To tell DS i won’t pick him up from the airport at 2am or drop him off again after how he behaved today?

[MelodicMercury]

I have 4 dc 3 boys 21 and 12 and 3 and a 12yo girl I split with my ex (dad of 3 oldest) in 2017, he was abusive and he’s not involved, the twins don't really remember him because they were only 4 but eldest does obviously and he did whiteness some of the abuse, he was also emotionally abusive toward him (that’s what pushed me to split when he started on eldest)

We moved into a 3 bed house as that’s all i could afford the older 2 boys share a room in bunk beds, eldest has the bunk with a double. DD shares and 3yo has his own bed in my room. I've I never lived with his dad FT but he does stay over though our relationship is complicated somewhat atm

The reason I haven't partitioned the elder boys room is because eldest was complaining about not having a double and he wouldn't have been able to with a sectioned room due to space as the room isn't huge as it is.

he didn't sit his GCSEs due to it being the covid year, but he did well with the predicted grades though he did fail maths. He started a catering course but dropped out after a few months, generally he was ok atittudewise etc though

He then got a job the following year which he hated as it was at a supermarket so very early shifts. He is obsessed with the artist Louis Tomlinson so he bought tickets to go and see his tour (in 2023 I think) but the manager said he couldn't have all those days off so he quit on the spot and used his trust fund money from when he turned 18 to go travelling around Europe and he was mostly travelling that year. I didn't exactly begrudge it as he was an adult and I imagined it would be like taking a gap year

However he didn't get a job straight away but after a while he did, he worked there for about 10/11 months and quit last march. He claimed his manager was treating him badly and quit over message. His gf broke up with him a few months prior and he claimed he was depressed and he’d stay in bed all day on his phone, sleeping in the day and on his phone at night with airpods so he wasn’t distubrting his brother but still. But he would complain when he’d get up for school as he’d wake him. He was prescribed antidepressants and offered therapy, he had about 3 sessions but he hasn’t for a while and he said the therapist isn’t helping

He doesn’t have many local friends but he would go out drinking a few times a week and was getting back drunk and sometimes disturbing us and other times staying out and not letting me know. I know he’s an adult but stilll he lives here it’s not a hotel

He doesn’t work still and last year Louis tomlinson announced he was going on tour which gave ds more of a reason not to work, he wasn’t pleased he couldn’t go to as many dates as before but said there was no point getting a job because he wouldn’t be allowed the time off. He’s now content with the 4 dates he has including one abroad and has said he will get a job when he’s attended his tour dates. He has been looking and applied for a few but not properly looking and he hasn’t heard back. He has a bf now and he’s in uni so hopefully he’ll want to do well too but i’ll believe it when i see it as he didn’t when he had a gf.

He left today (well yesterday now thursday) to go to the concert, he booked his coach to the airport for 4:50 in the morning so i had to drop him off as it’s a 20/25 min drive and he can’t drive. I agreed to it and woke up at 3:50, he had gone to sleep for an early night for a change and id already told his brother not to disturb him if he was playing on his playstation or watching something as eldest was complaining.

Ds wasn’t even awake so i went into him at about 4, he didn’t get up straight away and was complaining he was tired and when he finally did get up he made unnecessary noise and woke his brother. Luckily he didn’t have school today.

He was snappy the whole time in the car and even when i said i didn’t have to drop him off he still didn’t seem grateful.

He’s on the last flight home of the day on Saturday and the coach is 3.5 hours and isn’t meant to arrive here until 1;55 in the morning so i’ll have stay awake and then do a 40/50 minute round trip again

Would it BU to tell him i won’t pick him up after today? Or drop him off at the coach station again, he’ll have to make his own way there or organise something else

Yes, as said in my OP

I’ve read all of your updates.

It sounds like you need to sit down and have a proper chat with him. He needs to find the motivation to do something because you cannot support him forever.

Do you think he feels like a failure because of his Maths, college, theory test, previous relationship, previous jobs…? If he does, he might now have a bit of a “fuck it” attitude where he feels it’s better to not try at all than to try and fail again.

You can lay out the boundaries with him:

• Either he joins you for a family meal and eats what you’re all having or he sorts his own food. You won’t be guessing what food he wants you to buy in.
• He is not to disturb his brother from his sleep. It’s his own fault that he has decided to have a ridiculous sleep schedule.
• He is to show respect to you and the family. You won’t be bending over backwards to get him to the airport and back if he cannot even be civil.

If he can’t or doesn’t want to agree to this, he moves out.

Do you think there are 950,000 job vacancies out there that these young folk are just too lazy to fill? 🤨

He obviously has trouble sleeping. I'd make getting that sorted than worry about airport lifts.

He's an unemployed 21 year old groupie who gets his mum to pick him up after gigs.

He's living in his own fantasy land and refusing to take any level of grown up responsibility because Mummy lets him get away with it.

Seriously.

He will continue to do this as long as you enable him. Time to be really mean. If he doesn't shape up get a job and stop taking the piss he will be moving out as it is no longer sustainable in your household. He has a father, he can move in with him. You have three other kids to consider and his behaviour impacts them.

Your house sounds chaotic . Why didn’t you set expectations for him - instead of allowing him to grow into a layabout ?
Im afraid his behaviour has come from you being too soft with him. It’s time for some tough love. Set him some rules and some time limits else he is never gonna change .

I would not kick him out and I would stil pick him up - because that’s what you had already agreed so you should stick to your word .
Then keep on sticking to it instead of being a pushover . You lead by example . If he has no direction - then show him some .

All of what you have said is true about the job hunting.

But why does he not contribute to chores / financially help the household?

Why does he disrupt the younger DCs sleep?

If he can afford takeaways and gig tickets, he can afford to contribute to the household more.

Given one of his complaints is having to share stuff with his 12 year old brother this is relevant.

If he was earning he'd either be able to move out or contribute enough to help you move somewhere bigger.

YABVU
Let him enjoy the concert.

Don’t ruin it, by saying he’s got to get back on his own.

His MH has obviously been very bad, so it’s a good thing that he’s had the will and drive to go away.

When he gets back he can use that positive energy for positive things, like job searching or going back to college.

You want to hit back at all of his misgivings and you’re using this one particular instance which will make things spiral into the usual shitty rut again and again.

Good luck, I know it’s hard 💐

Yes.

When I was a student I took all sorts of jobs - shop work, delivering leaflets, delivering Betterware and working in a boarding kennels (which included mincing manky unbleached tripe for the dogs' meals and picking up poop.)
All these jobs required I got up early and turned up on time.

Friends of mine of the same era worked in stinky fish processing plants packing battered cod in boxes or cleaning out holiday chalets at caravan parks where the visitors had been sick in the beds.

Young folk of today don't know they are born !

ONS stats show 2.6 unemployed people per vacancy in UK for last quarter of 2025.
I get a bit tired of young people being bashed for being unemployed as shops and pubs close down all through my town, and AI takes over the trainee jobs they might once have got.

This!

Time to firm up on him.

He needs to look for work, agency might give him flexibility for all his tour dates, (which is a piss take in itself).

And/or get back to school.

Motivation follows action. Waiting around for it to magically get better just doesn’t happen.

He also needs to try therapy again.

So what if he’s tired and grumpy? That’s a foreseeable consequence of his decision to go on his trip. A luxury trip he chose to make.

Taking his grumpiness out on you and other people though? That is TOTALLY unacceptable and needs coming down on like a ton of bricks.

He blames you because a man abused you. Read that out loud and think about how messed up that is.

He’s responding to that by manipulating you with his strops. That is abuse. He’s treating you as his low-value, servant punchbag and is a trainee abuser. He’s creating similar environment for his younger siblings as the one he grew up in. That needs addressing, fast.

The sooner he gets out into the world, finds a job and gains some responsibility the better.

He’s living a lifestyle that promotes ill-health and depression. By choice. If you wanted to induce depression in an otherwise healthy person, depriving them of daylight, good food, exercise and purpose is exactly what you’d do. He needs a reason to get up in the morning.

The only way he’ll get a better job is to be in a job, gaining skills and experience.

I think it’s time for some difficult conversations.

Nicely said!