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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell DS i won’t pick him up from the airport at 2am or drop him off again after how he behaved today?

114 replies

MelodicMercury · 03/04/2026 02:05

I have 4 dc 3 boys 21 and 12 and 3 and a 12yo girl I split with my ex (dad of 3 oldest) in 2017, he was abusive and he’s not involved, the twins don't really remember him because they were only 4 but eldest does obviously and he did whiteness some of the abuse, he was also emotionally abusive toward him (that’s what pushed me to split when he started on eldest)

We moved into a 3 bed house as that’s all i could afford the older 2 boys share a room in bunk beds, eldest has the bunk with a double. DD shares and 3yo has his own bed in my room. I've I never lived with his dad FT but he does stay over though our relationship is complicated somewhat atm

The reason I haven't partitioned the elder boys room is because eldest was complaining about not having a double and he wouldn't have been able to with a sectioned room due to space as the room isn't huge as it is.

he didn't sit his GCSEs due to it being the covid year, but he did well with the predicted grades though he did fail maths. He started a catering course but dropped out after a few months, generally he was ok atittudewise etc though

He then got a job the following year which he hated as it was at a supermarket so very early shifts. He is obsessed with the artist Louis Tomlinson so he bought tickets to go and see his tour (in 2023 I think) but the manager said he couldn't have all those days off so he quit on the spot and used his trust fund money from when he turned 18 to go travelling around Europe and he was mostly travelling that year. I didn't exactly begrudge it as he was an adult and I imagined it would be like taking a gap year

However he didn't get a job straight away but after a while he did, he worked there for about 10/11 months and quit last march. He claimed his manager was treating him badly and quit over message. His gf broke up with him a few months prior and he claimed he was depressed and he’d stay in bed all day on his phone, sleeping in the day and on his phone at night with airpods so he wasn’t distubrting his brother but still. But he would complain when he’d get up for school as he’d wake him. He was prescribed antidepressants and offered therapy, he had about 3 sessions but he hasn’t for a while and he said the therapist isn’t helping

He doesn’t have many local friends but he would go out drinking a few times a week and was getting back drunk and sometimes disturbing us and other times staying out and not letting me know. I know he’s an adult but stilll he lives here it’s not a hotel

He doesn’t work still and last year Louis tomlinson announced he was going on tour which gave ds more of a reason not to work, he wasn’t pleased he couldn’t go to as many dates as before but said there was no point getting a job because he wouldn’t be allowed the time off. He’s now content with the 4 dates he has including one abroad and has said he will get a job when he’s attended his tour dates. He has been looking and applied for a few but not properly looking and he hasn’t heard back. He has a bf now and he’s in uni so hopefully he’ll want to do well too but i’ll believe it when i see it as he didn’t when he had a gf.

He left today (well yesterday now thursday) to go to the concert, he booked his coach to the airport for 4:50 in the morning so i had to drop him off as it’s a 20/25 min drive and he can’t drive. I agreed to it and woke up at 3:50, he had gone to sleep for an early night for a change and id already told his brother not to disturb him if he was playing on his playstation or watching something as eldest was complaining.

Ds wasn’t even awake so i went into him at about 4, he didn’t get up straight away and was complaining he was tired and when he finally did get up he made unnecessary noise and woke his brother. Luckily he didn’t have school today.

He was snappy the whole time in the car and even when i said i didn’t have to drop him off he still didn’t seem grateful.

He’s on the last flight home of the day on Saturday and the coach is 3.5 hours and isn’t meant to arrive here until 1;55 in the morning so i’ll have stay awake and then do a 40/50 minute round trip again

Would it BU to tell him i won’t pick him up after today? Or drop him off at the coach station again, he’ll have to make his own way there or organise something else

OP posts:
AlwaysTheRenegade · 03/04/2026 07:40

Reading back, I think I've changed my mind. I'm not sure if you should just say you're not getting him, if that's what you've already arranged.
I might be too soft but he sounds pretty sheltered, and the way you've described him a little vulnerable? There's no question he's ungrateful and rude, but you can ask him to make other arrangements for the next lifts?

Barrenfieldoffucks · 03/04/2026 07:42

You split with the dad nearly 10 years ago. It sounds like everyone has just been left to stagnate.

beAsensible1 · 03/04/2026 07:43

Spending his last coins on Louis Tomlinson tickets. Bloody bananas

he seems wholly unprepared for adult life. You need To try to get him there, that comes from pulling back the scaffolding. If he can book tickets and flights he can book a cab

AlwaysTheRenegade · 03/04/2026 07:48

Is he at the concert alone? and did he arrange his tickets, flights, accommodation ect himself? If he did that himself he'll know how to get home, but if someone else did all the planning, if pick him up this time, the n say no more.

Also, I like Louis Tomlinson as much as the next person, he seems nice, but...Four times?!

Henbags · 03/04/2026 07:53

He quit his job because of Louis Tomlinson….?

Dragracer · 03/04/2026 07:53

If he has money for all this travelling and concerts then he has money for a house share.

Stop treating him like one of the kids, he's a man and needs to be making his own travel arrangements.

burnoutbabe · 03/04/2026 07:53

@AlwaysTheRenegadei mean he is no Harry styles!

user1476613140 · 03/04/2026 07:53

I would be telling him to get some perspective. Job first, hobbies second. Learn to drive first once he has a job and then he can fund his lifestyle from there with a driving licence.

Tel12 · 03/04/2026 07:56

He's a man, he doesn't need his mum to ferry him about although it is super convenient for him. Is he paying his way? It's time he stepped up or stepped out.

wreckingmybread · 03/04/2026 07:59

First time I’ve seen Louis Tomlinson described as an artist.

olympicsrock · 03/04/2026 08:04

Yes this is bananas. I read it that DS has no qualifications not even GCSEs , does mimimum wage jobs for months then quits for no good reason but somehow through inheritance is pissing money up the wall despite sponging off a hard up mum of 4.

There are some serious issues around sexuality/ gender and mental health but surely at a basic level this young person does not have money for travel and concerts and is taking the piss.

Ponoka7 · 03/04/2026 08:05

Going against the grain, I don't think it's ever fair to change a pick up plan at the last minute. Will he have money for a taxi, or will you end up paying it? When your son witnessed the abuse, he was also being abused via emotional damage. There isn't a recognition of that in your opening post. The rest is what you'd expect of a child/young person struggling after living with abuse and tbh your complicated relationship and overcrowding won't have helped. There should have been more focus on his possible issues earlier on. Were you pregnant or just given birth when he dropped out of the catering course? Does bf stand for boyfriend, was he struggling with his sexuality? I don't think that now is the time to withdraw. He's back, he said he'd look for work, keep the relationship positive and talk to him when everyone has had a good sleep. Were you trying to engage him in conversation and he just wanted to wake up? It's time to start respecting each other as adults.

AlwaysTheRenegade · 03/04/2026 08:25

burnoutbabe · 03/04/2026 07:53

@AlwaysTheRenegadei mean he is no Harry styles!

I bloody love Harry Styles, but still not enough to see him four times 😂
Was trying to be kind but Louis Tomlinson is a bit random...

OneShyQuail · 03/04/2026 08:30

MelodicMercury · 03/04/2026 02:05

I have 4 dc 3 boys 21 and 12 and 3 and a 12yo girl I split with my ex (dad of 3 oldest) in 2017, he was abusive and he’s not involved, the twins don't really remember him because they were only 4 but eldest does obviously and he did whiteness some of the abuse, he was also emotionally abusive toward him (that’s what pushed me to split when he started on eldest)

We moved into a 3 bed house as that’s all i could afford the older 2 boys share a room in bunk beds, eldest has the bunk with a double. DD shares and 3yo has his own bed in my room. I've I never lived with his dad FT but he does stay over though our relationship is complicated somewhat atm

The reason I haven't partitioned the elder boys room is because eldest was complaining about not having a double and he wouldn't have been able to with a sectioned room due to space as the room isn't huge as it is.

he didn't sit his GCSEs due to it being the covid year, but he did well with the predicted grades though he did fail maths. He started a catering course but dropped out after a few months, generally he was ok atittudewise etc though

He then got a job the following year which he hated as it was at a supermarket so very early shifts. He is obsessed with the artist Louis Tomlinson so he bought tickets to go and see his tour (in 2023 I think) but the manager said he couldn't have all those days off so he quit on the spot and used his trust fund money from when he turned 18 to go travelling around Europe and he was mostly travelling that year. I didn't exactly begrudge it as he was an adult and I imagined it would be like taking a gap year

However he didn't get a job straight away but after a while he did, he worked there for about 10/11 months and quit last march. He claimed his manager was treating him badly and quit over message. His gf broke up with him a few months prior and he claimed he was depressed and he’d stay in bed all day on his phone, sleeping in the day and on his phone at night with airpods so he wasn’t distubrting his brother but still. But he would complain when he’d get up for school as he’d wake him. He was prescribed antidepressants and offered therapy, he had about 3 sessions but he hasn’t for a while and he said the therapist isn’t helping

He doesn’t have many local friends but he would go out drinking a few times a week and was getting back drunk and sometimes disturbing us and other times staying out and not letting me know. I know he’s an adult but stilll he lives here it’s not a hotel

He doesn’t work still and last year Louis tomlinson announced he was going on tour which gave ds more of a reason not to work, he wasn’t pleased he couldn’t go to as many dates as before but said there was no point getting a job because he wouldn’t be allowed the time off. He’s now content with the 4 dates he has including one abroad and has said he will get a job when he’s attended his tour dates. He has been looking and applied for a few but not properly looking and he hasn’t heard back. He has a bf now and he’s in uni so hopefully he’ll want to do well too but i’ll believe it when i see it as he didn’t when he had a gf.

He left today (well yesterday now thursday) to go to the concert, he booked his coach to the airport for 4:50 in the morning so i had to drop him off as it’s a 20/25 min drive and he can’t drive. I agreed to it and woke up at 3:50, he had gone to sleep for an early night for a change and id already told his brother not to disturb him if he was playing on his playstation or watching something as eldest was complaining.

Ds wasn’t even awake so i went into him at about 4, he didn’t get up straight away and was complaining he was tired and when he finally did get up he made unnecessary noise and woke his brother. Luckily he didn’t have school today.

He was snappy the whole time in the car and even when i said i didn’t have to drop him off he still didn’t seem grateful.

He’s on the last flight home of the day on Saturday and the coach is 3.5 hours and isn’t meant to arrive here until 1;55 in the morning so i’ll have stay awake and then do a 40/50 minute round trip again

Would it BU to tell him i won’t pick him up after today? Or drop him off at the coach station again, he’ll have to make his own way there or organise something else

HOW in the name of all thats holy is he affording these tickets, trips, flights, drinking in pubs etc if he has no consistent job?!
Assume he is paying you no board either.

He is a freeloader and has been allowed to be one.

Its probably too late now, jes too set in his ways. My children are 12 and 6. They understand that if you want nice things abd treats you need to work hard for them (as a child you do well at school, try your best and help around the house) as a young adult you get a little job and save for the things you want. At 18+ you contribute to your parents house and pay your way.

Dont want to go to bed at a good time? Suffer the consequences the next day....you still have to get up and go to work or school feeling tired.

Id say stop enabling him as he is affecting your whole household, but it sounds like you are well past this.

GloriaHeeler · 03/04/2026 08:41

wreckingmybread · 03/04/2026 07:59

First time I’ve seen Louis Tomlinson described as an artist.

I genuinely thought the lad was a fan of some sculptor or similar .

I think he needs to move out. My oldest is the same age, the year of the cancelled GCSEs. She’s got two part time jobs as she couldn’t get enough hours at the first job she got. She’s arranged a trip to Paris with a friend after Easter. The airport is an hour away so they are getting the train.

Miranda65 · 03/04/2026 08:48

Dear Lord, that's a hell of a lot of text for a simple issue.....adult needs transport in early hours. Just tell him to book a taxi or Uber, like every other person would do. Sorted.

AbzMoz · 03/04/2026 08:49

It sounds like he’s been directionless for some time.
I think you probably have to fetch him this time but then a day or two later have a proper talk around money, job, responsibility etc

TomatoSandwiches · 03/04/2026 08:53

Sorry but he sounds pathetic, I would be so dissapointed at him wasting so much money on following a pop star about, that could have gone towards a car or deposit etc.

I would leave him to it op and have a chat about reasonable expectations about getting a job and sticking to it.

Hardwick · 03/04/2026 08:54

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

LadyMacbethWasFierce · 03/04/2026 08:56

I agree with a previous poster that it is rarely fair to withdraw an offer of a late night lift with little notice. His behaviour is unreasonable, but you have put up with it for so long it would be unreasonable just to change the goalposts with no warning.

You would not be unreasonable to refuse future lifts though.

I am concerned that it seems as though your 12 year olds and 3 year old were left unattended in the middle of the night.

Namechangeforthis88 · 03/04/2026 09:02

How cocklodgers are created.

Big focus needed on changing things. Otherwise they'll stay the same, and you don't want that.

Don't think last minute passive aggressive change of plan is the place to start, or role modelling the behaviour you want to see.

The time for boundaries was 5 to 10 years ago but better late than never.

mindutopia · 03/04/2026 09:03

Surely, he can find somewhere to rest overnight at the airport and get on a 5am coach so he arrives at a more sociable hour.

But also you need to cut these apron strings. If he has money for concerts (in the plural!), then he has money to lodge somewhere. I am out of work due to illness. Do you know how much money I have for concerts? £0! He’s had a very easy ride so far. Now it’s time to get a job and support himself.

ElectoralControversy · 03/04/2026 09:04

Henbags · 03/04/2026 07:53

He quit his job because of Louis Tomlinson….?

This sounds like something my autistic DD would do...OP is there anything else going on here, because this sounds like very odd behaviour and disordered.thinking?

Bobcurlygirl · 03/04/2026 09:27

Sorry and not relevant to the question but how can he not have GCSEs? My son was that COVID year and he was awarded them as he couldn't sit them. You said he had good predicted grades so should have a set of good GCSEs?

As to the other question, i.m going against the grain and say don't cancel your collection now but things have to change which starts with a calm sit down and chat about the future.

My son (same age as yours) went on a football tour which landed at Luton (70 mins away) at 2am. Said to me "there are no national express buses til 6am..can you get me". I said no as I had work the next day We talked through having a warm coat and travel pillow and sleeping at Luton til the buses started . You need to start setting boundaries and also discussing more logical ways forward. In your case I think an Uber would be more appropriate and you maybe have paid something towards it ..if he has money for flights and concerts he has money for taxis.

Good luck

ButterBastardBeans · 03/04/2026 10:08

You need to do a far bigger thing.

You need to sit him down and tell him how his future is looking if he is still going to live with you. He needs to get a job and start paying his way. He needs to become an actual functioning human being with a car and savings, paying rent and utilities and start to be an actual adult.

Ideally get him to move out.

Your problem is huge and not purely lift related.