To tell DS i won’t pick him up from the airport at 2am or drop him off again after how he behaved today?

[MelodicMercury]

I have 4 dc 3 boys 21 and 12 and 3 and a 12yo girl I split with my ex (dad of 3 oldest) in 2017, he was abusive and he’s not involved, the twins don't really remember him because they were only 4 but eldest does obviously and he did whiteness some of the abuse, he was also emotionally abusive toward him (that’s what pushed me to split when he started on eldest)

We moved into a 3 bed house as that’s all i could afford the older 2 boys share a room in bunk beds, eldest has the bunk with a double. DD shares and 3yo has his own bed in my room. I've I never lived with his dad FT but he does stay over though our relationship is complicated somewhat atm

The reason I haven't partitioned the elder boys room is because eldest was complaining about not having a double and he wouldn't have been able to with a sectioned room due to space as the room isn't huge as it is.

he didn't sit his GCSEs due to it being the covid year, but he did well with the predicted grades though he did fail maths. He started a catering course but dropped out after a few months, generally he was ok atittudewise etc though

He then got a job the following year which he hated as it was at a supermarket so very early shifts. He is obsessed with the artist Louis Tomlinson so he bought tickets to go and see his tour (in 2023 I think) but the manager said he couldn't have all those days off so he quit on the spot and used his trust fund money from when he turned 18 to go travelling around Europe and he was mostly travelling that year. I didn't exactly begrudge it as he was an adult and I imagined it would be like taking a gap year

However he didn't get a job straight away but after a while he did, he worked there for about 10/11 months and quit last march. He claimed his manager was treating him badly and quit over message. His gf broke up with him a few months prior and he claimed he was depressed and he’d stay in bed all day on his phone, sleeping in the day and on his phone at night with airpods so he wasn’t distubrting his brother but still. But he would complain when he’d get up for school as he’d wake him. He was prescribed antidepressants and offered therapy, he had about 3 sessions but he hasn’t for a while and he said the therapist isn’t helping

He doesn’t have many local friends but he would go out drinking a few times a week and was getting back drunk and sometimes disturbing us and other times staying out and not letting me know. I know he’s an adult but stilll he lives here it’s not a hotel

He doesn’t work still and last year Louis tomlinson announced he was going on tour which gave ds more of a reason not to work, he wasn’t pleased he couldn’t go to as many dates as before but said there was no point getting a job because he wouldn’t be allowed the time off. He’s now content with the 4 dates he has including one abroad and has said he will get a job when he’s attended his tour dates. He has been looking and applied for a few but not properly looking and he hasn’t heard back. He has a bf now and he’s in uni so hopefully he’ll want to do well too but i’ll believe it when i see it as he didn’t when he had a gf.

He left today (well yesterday now thursday) to go to the concert, he booked his coach to the airport for 4:50 in the morning so i had to drop him off as it’s a 20/25 min drive and he can’t drive. I agreed to it and woke up at 3:50, he had gone to sleep for an early night for a change and id already told his brother not to disturb him if he was playing on his playstation or watching something as eldest was complaining.

Ds wasn’t even awake so i went into him at about 4, he didn’t get up straight away and was complaining he was tired and when he finally did get up he made unnecessary noise and woke his brother. Luckily he didn’t have school today.

He was snappy the whole time in the car and even when i said i didn’t have to drop him off he still didn’t seem grateful.

He’s on the last flight home of the day on Saturday and the coach is 3.5 hours and isn’t meant to arrive here until 1;55 in the morning so i’ll have stay awake and then do a 40/50 minute round trip again

Would it BU to tell him i won’t pick him up after today? Or drop him off at the coach station again, he’ll have to make his own way there or organise something else

I think the 21 year old is in charge of the home. Sorry OP, time to put down some ground rules. Hard to do yes, but please do before he's ruined for life.

He is 21. Unless he’s studying he works full time and pays for his own stuff.

Seems like he’s been getting away with murder.

I’m with other pp, I wouldn’t cancel now while he is away, I would be likely to tell him to wait at the airport overnight and come home on a later coach. It’s difficult to speculate here on the small number of details you’ve given but it sounds as if perhaps he’s had some problems as pp have said to do with coming out and being comfortable having a BF rather than a GF. The Louis Tomlinson thing sounds like something that is related to this. Honestly, I think you can help him grow up, so many of them are so immature these days at 21, especially after COVID, but you need to draw some boundaries asap.

It also sounds like you have some problems in your current relationship - do these need to be your focus?

He needs to get a taxi, you cannot leave two minors at home alone at night for over an hour!!
as others have said, this manchild needs to get his arse in gear and get a career plan underway and stop being a flake

This is not normal OP.

He quit his job and is obsessively collecting Louis Tomlinson tickets. Tell him to get a fucking grip.

Did you leave the other kids in the house alone?!

I wouldn't have been picking up/dropping off at that time anyway. When I go on holiday, I arrange a taxi to/from the airport and factor that cost in. I'd never dream of asking someone to come out in the middle of the night, nor did I when I started holidaying without my family at 19.

YABU you can’t change the rules now he’s away.

But once he’s back then I’d definitely consider some ground rules.

He is a young adult and needs to start taking some responsibility.
He could easily have gotten a job and told them he’s already booked those dates to go away.

How does he afford everything?

I also think you need to look into your current relationship and how this affects the children you live with.

Louis Tomlinson - really?

I wouldn't describe the sons life as indulgence. His childhood sounds like complete chaos, abuse, twins when he was a tween, Mum's non commital boyfriend dropping in and out and now a toddler adding to the over crowding. He has never known normal so of course he is going to grow up chaotic. They all need boundaries, this comes from Mum prioritising parenting over men.

Ypur OP is a bit confusing.

I assume your partner will be staying with the younger kids while you pick up your son?

Do you have twin daughters?

I read it as yours son's boyfriend is at Uni?

Your son sounds like he's got plenty of money, can he get a taxi home? If not I think you need to collect him as you arranged, but then you really need to get tough with him.
He's 21, he is going to waste his life away if he doesn't get sorted out now.
You have to stop pandering to him and help him start acting like an adult.

The obsession with Louis Tomlinson is really weird.

Apologies of the OP doesn't make sense I was tired. Both older DS’s share, it's been this way since we moved here as I couldn't afford bigger on term time wages and I still can't. ds12 would usually get into my bed when he was younger and his toys weren't in their room as in he played in the living room so technically DS did sort of have his own room but now he's older he doesn't sleep in my bed anymore. He doesn't care about sharing it's just eldest that was complaining about the not having a double bed and I then got bunk beds with q double as that the only thing I can do. They also argue over the TV as they only have one and eldest has his Xbox and DS12 has a PlayStation so they often argue over who can use the tv. I was thinking of getting ds12 a smallish tv and put it sort of inline with his top bunk but I could imagine more arguments if they were both on consoles at the same time theyd likely argue over the volume

DD has her own room. And no I didn't leave the dc alone, my bf was here and they were all asleep anyway aprt from ds after eldest woke him.

Eldest isn't at uni its his bf that is. Eldest doesn't have a job he gets UC and pay a me £60 a month. He has said he will start properly looking for a job after he's been to his final tour dates but he has also said he doesn't want to work in retail again like his 2 previous jobs so he doesn't know what he wants to do. He's been unemployed for a year now but he's been using his mental health as an excuse to me and the job centre etc.

He came out to me last summer as bisexual and he then accused me of being homophobic because of how I reacted but I was just shocked.
He often blames me for his mental health too due to the abuse towards him from his dad but as soon as that happened I left him which was difficult enough

He has gone abroad with his friend but she flew out of a different airport so there's no one really to pick him up from his coach. His flights are cheap hence them being the first and last of the day, when booking the trip he was complaining about needing to wait about 2 hours for his coach to come when he's landed but when I suggested he book a hotel then he said there was no point just for a few hours and he was already having to pay for accommodation in the other country obviously though he did go halves with his friend for that.

Wow. You have been really permissive with him so far - why?

Do you feel guilty?

You have let him get away with a lot.

Not a great example for your younger ones either.

I do fee somewhat guilty, yes.

Sorry OP but this is yet another entitled 'young person' sitting on their arse all day, doing fuck all and claiming benefits. I don't buy for one minute that he has 'poor mental health', it's an excuse that allows him to do sweet fa and not be challenged on it.

I think your guilt is affecting your judgement here, and therefore reinforcing some really unhealthy patterns.

I am not sure about the pick up from the airport - I think you need to decide that one.

After that however you really need to draw some lines and make them hard lines.

Your son sounds like he has a lot of disposable income - yet he only gives you £60 (nothing in today’s economy!) - does he help around the house with chores?

He seems to see working as optional - have you spoken about this? Retail is not ideal but he needs to suck it up and use that money to contribute to the household / save to move out / save to get better qualifications to get a better role / save to start a business - and think harder about what he actually wants to do with his life. Has he had any career advice? Have you spoken to him - is he intending to claim UC forever?

You: have you had any help or support for your previous situation with abusive ex? Any counselling or anything?

Did your eldest DC talk to anyone about his experiences? He sounds angry and lost.

It sounds to me like you are trying to appease your DC - overcompensating in fact - the idea of putting a 2nd tv in the bedroom is wild to me. Admittedly my kids don’t game so maybe I don't really understand it.

You need to work on your boundaries and self esteem. You mention several times that your house is small. There is no shame in having a small house if that is all you can afford.

However, in a small house, everybody needs to be more considerate of each other - that means ALL DC. Your eldest is currently not doing that and you need to reign that in.

Ground rules need to be non negotiable re: disturbing others, disappearing without letting you know causing worry, coming in drunk and disorderly - these are all rules that should be laid out regardless of house size.

Moving in new boyfriend when the house is so crowded already - are you sure that was the best idea?

Long post and lots of questions - sorry.

I feel like the airport lift is the least of your concerns - you need to really step back and look at whether your family dynamics are working and consider whether you, and your eldest, might benefit from extra help and support.

You also need to consider whether new DP is actually a positive addition to the set up as it is.

I do believe that he is / was struggling with his mh but staying in bed all day, not waking up until 4pm at the earliest and only eating one meal most days also wouldn't do him any good especially as he also said he was suicidal, I don't know of he was or if it was part of being manipulative as his dad would usually threaten suicide (and he didn't have ooor mental health) . He complained he was tired all the time and he did have a vitamin/iron deficiency likely due to his diet but he hasn't taken the supplements for a while so it's his own fault really.

He had 3 sessions of therapy but hasn't seen her since Jan and said it's pointless anyway as it wasn't helping and he was only offered 5 sessions so he was over halfway through them.

He doesn't do chores, he does cook for himself most the time but that's usually after a tantrum about me not getting him things he likes which he hadn't asked for. Or he usually orders takeaways. Since he got with his bf he has been going out more and not just drinking like with his other friends but it hasn't yet been motivated to look for a job or anything, as I said he's said he will look for one but we will see

I haven't moved my new bf in

Sorry I got the new bf moving in bit wrong.

So what do you want to happen?

He doesn't do chores
Doesn't look after himself (diet, supplements, therapy)
Doesn't work
Doesn’t pay a fair amount of rent / household contribution

……

How long do you think this can go on?

Have you had any support for yourself? You sound worn down.

Agree with this 100%. And it seems to be getting more common.

I don't know, yesterdays attitude was the final straw but then if I don't pick him up he's likely to be grimpy but even if I do he will still probably be grumpy which maybe is justified after being on a flight albeit a short one and then a 3.5 hour coach journey at the time of night.

I feel like whatever it I do I can't win and maybe it is my fault, maybe if id left their dad earlier he'd be more we'll adjusted with a job and education etc

It’s too late to look back - you need to look forward.

You keep avoiding my question - have you had any support for yourself?

You have to build yourself back up and not be helpless.

You have other children to consider.

“if I don't pick him up he's likely to be grimpy but even if I do he will still probably be grumpy which maybe is justified after being on a flight albeit a short one and then a 3.5 hour coach journey at the time of night.”

This is nonsense. Sorry.

He has money. He can make his own way home. At 18 yrs old I was an international student in the UK - I had a 10 hour flight from my home country to London, then I got the National Express for HOURS all the way to Durham and I was never grumpy. I took the coach vs train as I couldnt afford the train fare. I got home, showered, ate cereal / sandwich / Iceland lasagne and went to bed. No grumpiness. Just FYI.

As a taxpayer I am pretty brassed-off hearing all these stories about inactive young peoples who can't get off their scrawny arses and get a job..

An estimated 12.8% of all people aged 16 to 24 years in the UK were not in education, employment or training (NEET) in October to December 2025.

The total is currently estimated to be 957,000, up from 946,000 in July to September 2025.

Outrageous 😡

I have had support for myself, yes. I do think tiredness affects people differently and he is known to be more grumpy when he's tired.

He doesn't really talk about his dad apart from to blame me but he didn't drink a drop of alcohol until a few months before he turned 18 it wasn't down to me exactly stopping him, he was just worried what he'd be like whether he'd be angry etc but he's fine whwn he's drunk and he's not violent or anything he just disturbs us when he comes home late as he isn't exactly quiet and he doesn't always take his key as he “forgets”

You have an unemployed adult who has tantrums, claims to have poor MH, yet well enough to jet about to concerts.
Time for an ultimatum, get a job pay rent to you or move out, he sounds obnoxious.

He needs to move out.
What an awful example to his siblings.
I have children that age and I certainly wouldn't be accepting his lifestyle under my roof.

I don't believe abusive lazy selfish sons post 21 are entitled to live at home.
You need to put your useless guilt aside and read him the riot act.

Ok honestly I think this airport trip is irrelevant honestly. I'd probably pick him up and i would give him a day to catch up on sleep etc.

But then things would change big time.

He needs a schedule; getting up in the morning with the other people in the house. He needs to contribute, have purpose and a sense of achievement. If he isn't working give a project in the house or sign him up for a course online or in person. This drifting is damaging him and he doesn't sound capable of operating under vague guidelines.

Help him, talk to him, check in regularly and don't give up on him! The past is the past, you did the best you could with what you had available.