To tell DS i won’t pick him up from the airport at 2am or drop him off again after how he behaved today?

[MelodicMercury]

I have 4 dc 3 boys 21 and 12 and 3 and a 12yo girl I split with my ex (dad of 3 oldest) in 2017, he was abusive and he’s not involved, the twins don't really remember him because they were only 4 but eldest does obviously and he did whiteness some of the abuse, he was also emotionally abusive toward him (that’s what pushed me to split when he started on eldest)

We moved into a 3 bed house as that’s all i could afford the older 2 boys share a room in bunk beds, eldest has the bunk with a double. DD shares and 3yo has his own bed in my room. I've I never lived with his dad FT but he does stay over though our relationship is complicated somewhat atm

The reason I haven't partitioned the elder boys room is because eldest was complaining about not having a double and he wouldn't have been able to with a sectioned room due to space as the room isn't huge as it is.

he didn't sit his GCSEs due to it being the covid year, but he did well with the predicted grades though he did fail maths. He started a catering course but dropped out after a few months, generally he was ok atittudewise etc though

He then got a job the following year which he hated as it was at a supermarket so very early shifts. He is obsessed with the artist Louis Tomlinson so he bought tickets to go and see his tour (in 2023 I think) but the manager said he couldn't have all those days off so he quit on the spot and used his trust fund money from when he turned 18 to go travelling around Europe and he was mostly travelling that year. I didn't exactly begrudge it as he was an adult and I imagined it would be like taking a gap year

However he didn't get a job straight away but after a while he did, he worked there for about 10/11 months and quit last march. He claimed his manager was treating him badly and quit over message. His gf broke up with him a few months prior and he claimed he was depressed and he’d stay in bed all day on his phone, sleeping in the day and on his phone at night with airpods so he wasn’t distubrting his brother but still. But he would complain when he’d get up for school as he’d wake him. He was prescribed antidepressants and offered therapy, he had about 3 sessions but he hasn’t for a while and he said the therapist isn’t helping

He doesn’t have many local friends but he would go out drinking a few times a week and was getting back drunk and sometimes disturbing us and other times staying out and not letting me know. I know he’s an adult but stilll he lives here it’s not a hotel

He doesn’t work still and last year Louis tomlinson announced he was going on tour which gave ds more of a reason not to work, he wasn’t pleased he couldn’t go to as many dates as before but said there was no point getting a job because he wouldn’t be allowed the time off. He’s now content with the 4 dates he has including one abroad and has said he will get a job when he’s attended his tour dates. He has been looking and applied for a few but not properly looking and he hasn’t heard back. He has a bf now and he’s in uni so hopefully he’ll want to do well too but i’ll believe it when i see it as he didn’t when he had a gf.

He left today (well yesterday now thursday) to go to the concert, he booked his coach to the airport for 4:50 in the morning so i had to drop him off as it’s a 20/25 min drive and he can’t drive. I agreed to it and woke up at 3:50, he had gone to sleep for an early night for a change and id already told his brother not to disturb him if he was playing on his playstation or watching something as eldest was complaining.

Ds wasn’t even awake so i went into him at about 4, he didn’t get up straight away and was complaining he was tired and when he finally did get up he made unnecessary noise and woke his brother. Luckily he didn’t have school today.

He was snappy the whole time in the car and even when i said i didn’t have to drop him off he still didn’t seem grateful.

He’s on the last flight home of the day on Saturday and the coach is 3.5 hours and isn’t meant to arrive here until 1;55 in the morning so i’ll have stay awake and then do a 40/50 minute round trip again

Would it BU to tell him i won’t pick him up after today? Or drop him off at the coach station again, he’ll have to make his own way there or organise something else

Louis Tomlinson seems an odd obsession. I know that isn’t the point but still.

Who pays for his takeaways? That needs knocking on the head.

@MelodicMercury and what is this £60 a month covering that he pays?!?

Your son is a self entitled spoiled brat. Stop enabling him. It is setting an horrendous example to his siblings.

He was given MH counselling and could only be bothered to attend half the sessions. A refusal to attend would be game over. He needs to help himself.

And not only do you have the twins who are learning from his behaviour, you have chosen to have another child who won't want to share with you forever.

I suggest not picking up your son, and when he makes his way home, you can sit down, adult to adult, and have a conversation with him about what is going to change. He needs a job, he needs to pay his way, and ideally he needs to look at moving into a shared house so your 3 year old can then share with the 12 year old.

He buys his own takeaways unless I'm buying one for a (rare) treat then I also ask if he wants one just so he cant complain that I didn't buy him one or ask.

He did go through a period last year before he quit his job for a month or 2 of saying he was saving to move out with his friend(s) to a city a few hours away but while I think he did save a bit he has no savings now as he has since spent it and hasn't mentioned moving out since. I don't know how onboard the friends were, it sounded more like a fantasy than a proper plan

"I also ask if he wants one just so he cant complain that I didn't buy him one or ask."

So what if he complains? Tell him to get a job and get his own !

This is where gentle parenting gets you.

He doesn’t respect you, takes up valuable space in your home, doesn’t work and contributes nothing. If he’s not working then is he helping out at home, doing laundry, cooking occasionally? I’m guessing not.

YANBU and you would also NBU to insist he treats you more respectfully and gets a job or pulls his weight in other ways if he wants to stay living at home.

Either way I don't plan on making my 12 year old share with the 3 year old, it isn't fair and they have different bedtimes and 3yo doesn't always sleep through.

I don't “gentle parent” my eldest was actually well behaved when growing up and never really needed a punishment. He did okayish at school and did do chores, he'd pick up one of the twins from school on his days off from college if I needed him to if one was ill and at home for example (so not everyday it was very rare). But then his attendance started slipping, I said few months in my OP but he actually attended his first year of college, it was the 2nd year things slipped and he ended up dropping out because his tutors were on him about his attendance is it really wasn't like him, his attendance in his first year was actually good apart from it being in covid times so he did have to have time off for self isolation and things but that was beyond his control and not just because he couldn’t be bothered. He was doing his driving lessons when he turned 17 and seemed ok the right track, it was just in year 2 after xmas things changed.

He failed his theory a few times and has given up taking lessons now

Re takeaways. I rarely buy them only for treats and he is still my child so if im treating my younger 3 i want to treat him too.

He failed his theory a few times and gave up.
He's packed in jobs because he didn't like the way he was managed or because he was refused leave to go to concerts.

He gets moody and bad tempered if things don't go his way.

He needs to get a job, start contributing and get some direction.

There is only one direction that will inspire him...

If he was mine he's have had a kick in the slats by now.

We don't have freeloaders in my house !

He got up in the early hours and was grumpy. ....
Now you're saying you won't pick him up

Fine he can get a taxi. Honestly this really is a fuss about nothing

Stop over indulging him

I agree.
It is a road to absolutely nowhere.
My children are privately educated and whilst my older children have had jobs at university my youngest was definitely showing signs of being a bit precious.
Through a dear friend she got a great job last summer that it was made crystal clear she needed to take.
Whilst it was a bit of a shock, to put it mildly, in a very busy hotel, it has been the makings of her as she entered university.
I'm not giving her a penny, she can pay for her social life herself.
By gum has her appreciation for money gone up and she has hugely woken up to reality.

I always had part time jobs despite being very MC, as did all of my friends.

It was the makings of us and I wanted that realisation for my children.
Dealing with the public is hard, but boy does it help you grow up.

You need to employ some tough love and try to make him grow up. 🙄

@NellieJean I agree, a bit odd

OP, it comes across like you are constantly making excuses for him. Probably because you feel guilty about what happened with his dad. But you ARE NOT HELPING HIM by continuing to make excuses and coddle him. He is 21!! At 22 I had moved to a foreign country and was totally supporting myself!! I would give him a deadline to move out and offer support with if he asks for it, like help with resume etc but he needs to GROW UP and he’s not going to do that living with you because the patterns you’ve allowed to become ingrained will not change while he’s at home.

He was working in a small shop at a petrol station and he didn’t like how he was often on a 6/7 hour shift on his own on the till as it meant that it was a struggle with breaks, he thought his manager spoke to him rudely and he didn’t get many shifts in a week. The final straw for him (i don’t know for certain) was him making a mistake and his manager”had a go@ at him and said that’s why he didn’t get many shifts, he was the one that did the rota i think. The mistake was to do with someone’s change and it was the only mistake he’d made in nearly a year of working there. again this is only ds’s side and I don't know for certain but they did have a high turnover of staff starting and then leaving shortly after starting

While I agree he probably needs some tough love and to build resilience against normal workplace frustrations, I also think a lot of posters here don’t appreciate quite how depressing the current economy and job market are for young adults. It honestly feels like there’s no way through. The whole process of applying for jobs is broken because of AI spamming, and that’s on top of widespread slow down in hiring for entry level roles. There is such an oversupply of graduates compared to grad jobs and the old “it’ll do for now” jobs like retail, bars etc have been hit so hard by the decline of the high street and high cost of living. It’s an absolute shit show. Most people can accept things being tough now if there’s hope of improvement but a 21 year old has seen their prospects just getting worse and worse for almost all of their formative years and for many there’s no realistic way to build a good career. I’m mid career and just finishing a contract in what is supposedly a high growth industry. I’m very well educated and capable. I can’t get any interviews right now and don’t honestly see a path forward. Cold applications just go into a black hole and even professional networks can’t deliver because everyone is overwhelmed and every job gets like 20+ personal recommendations. He’s got to try but my god it is brutal.

This was a good opportunity to talk with him about how important it is to get yourself into a situation where you have choices. That’s why people work hard at school and college or work hard in their jobs so that they can progress and not be in a situation like that.

He has applied to a few jobs at restaurants mostly but he hasn't been offered even an interview, he barely has anything on his CV and no qualifications apart from GCSEs and that's not even including maths so they don'bother as there's likely multiple people applying for the one role

I don't think kicking gum out with do anything though other than ruin our relationship and he already doesn't see his dad

That’s what I am saying though.

I did speak to him at the time about it but he said he just wanted to focus on his MH as he had no motivation for anything and he was suicidal etc, again whether he was or not and was just being manipulating I don't know

You're too permissive. It's not helping him.

He has no motivation to do anything because he doesnt need to!

Roof over his head, wifi, gaming, phone, takeaways, concerts, flights...why on earth does he need to work?!

His mental health is poor because he is doing f*ck all. He has ni purpose in life, his needs are met without grafting, hes entitled and ungrateful. The Kindest thing you can do here is take a hell of a lot more of his universal credit so that he becomes uncomfortable and your force his hand.

Is your boyfriend the father of the 3 year old?

Or he usually orders takeaways

He’s on UC and won’t work. He should not be able to afford to order takeaways, go on foreign vacations or follow his favourite band on tour. He is falling further and further behind his peers because you are making it possible for him to slum without pain.