To be upset that I have to cancel my plans for DH’s plans?

[Cinai2]

DH mentioned a couple weeks ago that he’s made plans to see a friend on a certain date. At the beginning of this week, I told him that I want to go to the theatre and asked him if Wednesday or Thursday is better for him (we have a DC, so one can go out and the other one looks after DC) to which he replied ‘either‘. I booked my ticket for Thursday. This morning he tells me that he’s seeing his friend tonight. He acknowledged that he’d forgotten about it when I discussed my theatre plans earlier this week, but said that he had already plans in place for the 2nd April at the time I booked my theatre ticket and did mention this to me a couple of weeks ago, so his plans have priority. I kind of see his point but I’m also gutted, I don’t often go out and I’ve wasted the money on the theatre ticket now. I find it very hard not to be upset with DH. We don’t have childcare available unfortunately.

Why cancel it? I wouldn’t. He said either night. If he feels the natural consequences of his actions, then he might engage brain better next time

In my house, this would’ve a clear case of, it’s not in the shared calendar, he didn’t tell you the exact date, and when you gave him the choice of two evenings this week he said ‘either’- it’s clearly his mistake !!! And mistakes happen and that’s fine, but either he buys you a ticket for the other evening, or he cancels his evening and you go out.

you losing money because of his forgetfulness - that’s not on at all!

No need to be obtuse. OP made it clear she didn't have childcare (as her usual childcare is unavailable), therefore to find a babysitter as others are suggesting would indeed be "a random sitter we've never met before". Considering the event was today and this misunderstanding was only realised today, that hardly gives her the time to get to know a new babysitter.

We have the same rule. Calendar is on the wall in the kitchen, once it's on there it's booked in!

I think it’s very clear that his plans should go. You asked him at the time you were about to book and he said either night - it was his mistake not yours!

He also failed to write down his plans anywhere - did he expect you to do that for him? Or did he expect you to be able to remember them even though he, the one who made that plan, forgot?

Also you spend money on yours!

From every point of you, you are the one who should get to go out!

I was thinking exactly this - I find it so bizarre to talk about who pays what like this. Splitting a few quid down the middle when they have a child and are married.

Family wall app.
Genuinely.
My husband installed it on both of our phones. If either of is book anything or have any late work nights etc we add it to the app. The other can then instantly see it. So we both check the app before sorting anything. Once it’s in the app it is sorted!

If he'd made plans that long ago why couldn't he tell you the date? He hadn't actually made firm plans is why.
What a sh1tty thing to do.
YANBU. Don't make excuses for this behaviour, be clear, next time I need a date. If you can't give me a date you have not made plans and my trips take precedence. In any case, meeting a friend can be easily rearranged, theatre trips can't. He was being an AH.

I completely agree. when I see these comments, I think its still wasting our money

When our DC were young we used to have a ‘rule’ that whoever wrote their activity on the wall calendar first had priority.

If he'd made his plans weeks ago why did he say 'either' when asked by the OP?

From a totally logical point of view, his plans have consequences for more people. He has offered to pay for the rebooked ticket so you can still do your plans and he can still do his. I don't see the issue with this. An easy mistake to make and it sounds like a reasonable solution has been proposed so I would have thought that was it?

BUT. If you still feel annoyed after this solution is it because this is a pattern? Do you often feel his needs are prioritised? Is this part of a bigger issue?

If not, maybe you just were so looking forward to it that the disappointment that you have to wait is grating? Reasonable reaction, totally valid of course but I would just try and remind yourself that it was an accident and you'll get the enjoyment another day.

But you’ve paid for a ticket that can’t be changed. Yours takes priority

Get yourself a wall calendar then things like this won’t happen.

Echoing the joint calendar crew. It can be electronic, physical one on the fridge, whatever works for you two, but if you have a young child and limited potential babysitters it's a necessity.

It sounds like his fuck up was the bigger one, but if he's paying the difference from his own fun money (as opposed to any joint pot) makes more sense for you to go another night. But this depends on how your finances are organised of course. I'd also insist he does the organisational labour of finding and booking the new ticket. Just on principle.

Shared household calendars are the only way. Put your events in then everyone knows where they are. It’s not on, you don’t do it.

I like a physical one in the kitchen, but Google Calendars are easier.

He did tell her the exact date.

Indeed he did. The OP forgot, and then so did he, when she asked him again. But he did tell her the date. Why should he be expected to remember her activities, when @Cinai2 doesn't have to?

This. My DH would cancel & say he'd catch up with them soon. He's far from a doormat but in a situation like this he wouldn't get a choice 😂

I think, given you booked theatre tickets based on what he said, he should be the one to cancel. Sounds like his friend has invited other people anyway so might not be letting him down as much as if it were just the two of them.

Just seen that you both forgot. It happens.

You need a better way to keep dates. We have a family calendar on which we each write our plans and we know to check that before making other plans as we also have young DC.

Can you really not get childcare? If you can sort that, go with a friend and forget about him!! You'll probably have a better time!! He's just selfishly putting himself above you.

So your answer..
"Wonderful... we're both going out.... what childcare have you organised? "

First sensible suggestion so far!