To be upset that I have to cancel my plans for DH’s plans?

[Cinai2]

DH mentioned a couple weeks ago that he’s made plans to see a friend on a certain date. At the beginning of this week, I told him that I want to go to the theatre and asked him if Wednesday or Thursday is better for him (we have a DC, so one can go out and the other one looks after DC) to which he replied ‘either‘. I booked my ticket for Thursday. This morning he tells me that he’s seeing his friend tonight. He acknowledged that he’d forgotten about it when I discussed my theatre plans earlier this week, but said that he had already plans in place for the 2nd April at the time I booked my theatre ticket and did mention this to me a couple of weeks ago, so his plans have priority. I kind of see his point but I’m also gutted, I don’t often go out and I’ve wasted the money on the theatre ticket now. I find it very hard not to be upset with DH. We don’t have childcare available unfortunately.

Is this his only chance to see his friend?

If not I think a lot of people would reschedule to use a paid for ticket.

Although I see you have sorted things out & he will pay any difference on a new ticket.

Yes, but as I said, the sitter we know happens to be unavailable - I asked her this morning - and there is another one we know who I didn’t even have to ask because she’s on holidays.

Yes

It’s doesn’t help today but we have an app called time trees it syncs to both phones and it’s all updates if someone puts something in. We have a rule! If it’s not in the app it’s not happening and therefore the other person is free to book the time/event for their plans

How important is your DH’s night out it doesn’t sound like it’s a great chance to hang out with a good friend. It sounds more like friend is going out with his mates and your DH is tagging along, as he doesn’t even know these friends. Couldn’t he bow out of the night out and rearrange with his friend?

That is not your problem. His mistake, he misses out. Stand your ground @Cinai2

You are the defaulted carer of your child.
You have a selfish man on your hands.
Remember that.
He sees his child as primarily your responsibility.

We avoid this sort of thing by putting everything in an Outlook calendar and "inviting" each other to the event just so we know when there's going to be a conflict or the need for one of us to have the car. You can probably do this with a Google calendar too. It's helped to fend off lots of situations like this.

You've both messed up and neither of you are using a calendar/diary effectively. On balance, you were given the heads up first so yes, I think his event might take precedence but he didn't help by being so dippy with his "either" comment.
See if you can swap the theatre ticket for another night, sell it or give it away. You may lose some money but lesson learned.

As DHs friend has invited other people he will not miss out on an evening out, only your husbands company. He can arrange another night for that. You, on the other hand, will be letting down a friend and probably losing money. Who is going to reimburse your friend or is she expected to go to the theatre by herself. Not a big deal perhaps but this all comes down to your DH telling you either night you suggested was fine and you, apparently, being responsible for knowing his commitments better than he did.

It seems you’ve agreed that his night out with people he doesn’t know is more important than the theatre you and your friend have already paid for, so that’s it. But please do something nice for your friend to make up for messing her around. And then get a calendar and insist you both use it and agree that if something isn’t on the calendar it isn’t a commitment.

How is it his mistake?
It was OPs

You need a joint calender to stop this happening again. If its not in the calender it doesn't take priority.

You can't be expected to hold in your head that he's going out on a specific date for weeks.

He's being a dick expecting you to cancel your plans so he can go out. He'd clearly either forgotten or just not told you about it, or it was a last minute decision and now he's trying to gaslight you. He can bloody well babysit. Go and have a good time at the theatre!

Because she asked him if she could go out on either Wednesday night or Thursday night and he said whichever.

He confirmed she could go out on those days.

She took him at his word since she’s not his personal diary or secretary.

And his plans take priority why??

But he’d already told her that he had plans on the 2nd.

OP would have seen the date when she went to confirm the order.

If OP had told him she was busy on the 2nd and then he went and booked something, why should she miss out when she’d already booked it in advance.

This. You both fucked up equally - he told you in the first instance and you forget (which is why you needed to ask the other day). And then when you asked him he forgot he'd already made plans.

These things happen occasionally, busy lives and all that. It's how you deal with it as a couple that matters. And it all sounds very confrontational between you.

Common sense would be that the first thing to try is for you to rearrange your theatre ticket if possible (assuming you're going alone). If that's not possible, then logically he pulls out of his meetup if it's purely social, in order to avoid any financial loss (value of theatre ticket). If money is no object then buy another ticket for tomorrow and let him go out tonight. But the fact that you can't resolve this amicably between yourselves says a lot about the state of your relationship.

Except he had made his arrangements first and told the OP.

It does sound bizarre they are BOTH operating without calendars, but I can't see how you can have read all the OP's posts and still got to this conclusion.

sounds like it at the end of the op, but it has been made a little bit vague in the beginning, presumably to garner more sympathy.

I’m so surprised by the responses.I think this is on OP.

He’d told op the date so she, and he, both knew he was going out then. As he’d already told her, how was he to equate the days she was asking about was the day he was already going out when she didn’t confirm the actual date? I have a hard time remembering we’re into April already!

It wouldn’t occur to me if I’d already told DH I’m going out on the 5th that he’d be asking if the 4th or 5th would be best by just saying Sat or Sunday, because he’d already know I was going out the 5th!

Don't want to be Captain Obvious here but hopefully this will encourage you to have more childminding options so you aren't stuck.

Try and few when you have low value things to do-even just go to the pub so you can pop back but you really should be able to have someone-even in case of emergency!

For me the clarifier is they both forgot his plans. But she did ask at which point the date or day should have reminded him of his plans and then he says I’m busy on the 4th remember so go on the 5th. But he didn’t.

Rather than her having to remember the whole houses plans when she’s already checking with the other adult.

It’s not just his mistake though, he told Op the 2nd of April. They both forgot

But no-one needs to carry round all that 'remembering' in their heads, if they use a calendar.

When my dc were little, if it wasn't on the calendar in the kitchen, then it wasn't happening, so whoever wrote their thing on first, got priority if we couldn't get a sitter. In 2026 this is made even easier by having shared calendars on our phones.

OP doesn't need to remember the whole house's plans anymore than her dh does.

If the info should be on a calendar it’s again the dh’s fault for not putting it on the calendar.

I do love a calendar mines on the fridge and everything goes on it as well as my phone but clearly op and her dh don’t though.

In that circumstance I'd own it and not go, you shouldn't be cancelling, but do ask if you can move the ticket, sometimes possible.