AIBU to think my friend keeps undermining my marriage?

[suziequeue1]

I don’t know if I’m explaining this properly, but it’s got to the point where I leave conversations with her feeling really irritated and slightly put down, and I’m starting to wonder if I’m overreacting or if it actually is as off as it feels.
For context my friend got married 2 months ago and I've been married 5 years, but even before that she’s always had a bit of a “know it all” streak. Recently though it’s turned into what feels like constant, subtle digs at my husband and my relationship.
It’s never outright rude, but it’s very consistent and always framed as a comparison. For example, I mentioned my husband wants to buy me my dream bag when I give birth, and she said “I find that really weird, it would be nicer if he bought you gold.” Not awful in isolation, but it’s the tone.
I said he’s going away for a month for work because he’ll be getting paid double, and she immediately said “I can’t believe he would leave you when you’re pregnant.” I explained I encouraged him to go as we need the money and I’m fine, and she just gave me a look and said “my husband would never do that.”
She does this a lot - frames everything as “my husband would never…” or implies her relationship is somehow stronger. She was talking about being worried about her in-laws and I said sometimes they say things when your husband isn’t there (as that’s happened to me), and she said “well they know my husband is my best friend and I tell him everything so they wouldn’t dare.” It just felt like a dig, as if to suggest me and DH aren’t close?
What I find odd is she’s actually told me quite negative things about her own husband (e.g. him not wanting her out past a certain time), but then she reframes it as “protective” and uses it to make comments about mine like “I know your husband is less protective” or even “maybe your husband isn’t as dominant” when I mentioned a disagreement I had.
It’s that kind of comment that really doesn’t sit right with me. It feels quite undermining and honestly a bit disrespectful, but because it’s said in a casual way I don’t know if I’m making it into a bigger deal than it is.
Another example that didn’t sit right with me... before she got married she told me she struggles with anger. I opened up and said I used to as well, and therapy really helped me, especially early in my marriage as I had to learn to handle disagreements better (my husband has always been very calm and patient).
Instead of engaging with that, she kept insisting she “wouldn’t have that issue” because her husband is amazing and she only has issues with her family. It felt like she completely missed the point and turned it into another comparison about husbands, which is something she does a lot.
It’s also the fact it’s so frequent now- almost every conversation ends up with some sort of comparison or comment about my husband/relationship.
AIBU to feel like this is actually quite off behaviour? Or am I being too sensitive?

Her relationship probably isn’t that great so she’s trying to put yours down to make hers seem better, she’s maybe jealous of what you have. Some people are just annoying like that. If it continues I’d raise it with her then ditch her if it continues and becomes unbearable, unless she has other redeeming qualities that you can’t live without. Life’s to short to be dealing with drainers

She sounds a right delight! I would call her out when she says such things. I wouldn’t go tit for tat as it will escalate. However ask her what she means or why she is saying something next time. Often people when forced to explain themselves get embarrassed and the behaviour stops.

I also think she sounds quite miserable and reading some of your comments I wonder if there is a bit of jealousy. Your DH going away for a month and you being ‘allowed’ to stay out ‘late’ = normal marriage and zero trust issues. To suggest this isn’t largely normal makes me think her DH is somewhat controlling. If my DH has any sort of opinion on my ‘home time’, that would be unacceptable to me. She isn’t a teenager who needs a dad to give her a curfew. Those comments all seem like red flags to me.

I also think a bag isn’t my cup of tea but also don’t think it’s weird. ‘Push presents’ have been around a long while. That’s essentially what it is. Doesn’t matter if it’s gold or a bag, sentiment is no different.

Are you bith from a different culture to that of British, whereby standing in society and family opinions matter more, therefore this is perhaps all a bit more ‘normal?’. I can’t think of anyone playing Top Trumps on husband traits - usually the opposite in a more jokey fashion.

Agree with other posters - worth looking at getting your driving licence. Public transport is easy on your own. Total faff with a kid. Gives you more options/flexibility.

Good luck with the remainder of your pregnancy. Congrats!!

Sounds like her husband is now licking her into shape. A husband should be serious, dominant and protective.

Not your problem, I know, and it is early days, but coercive control has to start somewhere. Perhaps mention to her that her husband sounds like a Victorian Sunday School vicar, mention coercive control, see how it lands.

And/or just push back on the critical comparisons every time they start.

Typo edits

I’d probably stop telling her anything and just leave her to it.

How are you feeling about the opinions on this thread @suziequeue1and what do you think you will do next ?

Ahh- I have a friend like this! I find it quite funny that he can’t be on his own (they’re joined at the hip). He thinks my marriage is weird because we sleep in separate rooms, and I do my own thing a lot.

He’s a lot younger than me, and I find his assumption that a relationship should be the same as his, to be successful, both amusing, and arrogant. I’ve told him so too!

Next time she starts, just say, ‘You do you- I’m happy.’

There is no way she’s happy! Think about it. Every time she’s snide it’s when your husband is earning well, buying you a gift etc etc and every dig is designed to make you feel that your relationship is lacking. She’s no friend. I wouldn’t bother with her. However, I’d have a bit of fun by making a point of telling her how blissfully happy you are whenever you do bump into her. After all, she’s not thinking twice about trying to make you feel crap, is she?

I think there are lots of alarm bells here OP. A more grown up person may suggest discussing it to clear the air but honestly, I would just back away from this friendship.

OP I’ve got a friend who is doing this to me as well, and she also makes subtle digs about my clothes. I had a think about whether I wanted to continue the friendship and I have decided for the time being that I do, but i made the decision to see less of her. If she crosses the line too far I’ll stop seeing her, but for the time being I see her as someone to do nice things with like shopping or spa days. I don’t trust her as much now though, so I would never share anything personal with her. I try to keep our conversations light.
There are a lot of jealous friends out there and I think that’s what it comes down to.

Sounds more like she is covering up and justifying her husband being controlling and domineering, she's justifying her husband not being as kind and caring as yours. I'd feel.sorry for her tbh

Are you two from the same cultural background? Your friend & you I mean

I pity her, really. She sounds like she has a controlling husband and no identity beyond that of Stepford wife. People who are psychologically secure can handle being with people who think and behave differently from themselves. She sounds very insecure and anxious and so lacking in insight that she has to put you and your husband down to make herself feel better. I can't stand being around people like this because they have very little capacity to genuinely care for others.

This woman is NOT your friend. Google frenemy. Then get rid of her pronto.

She sounds Insecure and unhappy.
I'd ask her and say is everything ok with you only you keep making comparisons like everything is a competition.
Shall we have some space .. would wind me up .

My sister does that not just re partners/exes but her in general. I always took it as thinking she is “superior” and just responded with “good for you”. We barely speak now due to her making it all about her and no support/empathy.

I would distance myself from that “friend” it sounds toxic and exhausting

So she’s very obviously miserable and insecure. Stable, happy people don’t do shit like this.

The bag is a lovely gift OP. It doesn’t need to be something gold and sparkly - just something you would love.

My husband bought me a designer watch I’d had my eye on and some new pillows when I had our daughter - it can be anything you want it to be.

Brilliant responses ♥️

I used to have a "friend" like this. She is not your friend. She is a passive aggressive frenemy. Don't be fooled!

There really isn’t a lot of jealous friends out there - and if you keep this one she is taking up the space that could be filled by someone else who you would have a much more fulfilling, respectful, authentic and reciprocal relationship with. Your future self is missing out by allowing this ‘bed blocker’ to stay in place.

If she's a good friend and this is fairly new behaviour, I think you should maybe be more concerned than annoyed. It may be that she's trying to convince herself that her husband's behaviour is fine, and just a sign of how much he adores her. As in, she wanted to go out but her husband ordered her not to, so she's trying to reframe it as he's just so in love with her that he's overprotective, rather than that this is worrying controlling behaviour. The good news is that if this is the case, her desperate attempt to convince herself her marriage is great is a good sign, as it shows she knows something's off. If you get into a one-upmanship situation where you're both trying to prove you have the better relationship and your respective husband loves you the most, it'll make it a lot harder for her if she ever needs to ask for help. Plus, it's hardly a dignified way for two presumably grown women to behave.

PS If this is not new behaviour and she's always been a bit like this, then she's just insecure. Silence and pitying smiles will probably work best.

Your friend sounds like she is trying to convince herself that she has a wonderful husband. He sounds rather controlling to me.

A pp suggestion of replying to these comments with “what do you mean by that?” And “is everything ok with you?” Could be useful.

I am 64 years old and realise what comes out of mouths is mostly rubbish.
Have respect for yourself. Stay away, delete and block.

YANBU. In this aspect of your dealings with her, this friend isn't acting like a friend at all. The clear pattern of adversarial behaviour is appalling. Whether or not her redeeming features make her friendship truly worth it, I think you need to call her out on this issue. Sit her down or acquaint her with this thread. It will be a necessary test of her friendship. Just my 2c, but to try to put this on you as some commenters have done just seems nuts.

Ooh what bag are you getting? 😺
also what WheretheFishesareFrightening
said, if you can be bothered, although I think I’d just see less of her jealous people are tedious.