AIBU to think my friend keeps undermining my marriage?

[suziequeue1]

I don’t know if I’m explaining this properly, but it’s got to the point where I leave conversations with her feeling really irritated and slightly put down, and I’m starting to wonder if I’m overreacting or if it actually is as off as it feels.
For context my friend got married 2 months ago and I've been married 5 years, but even before that she’s always had a bit of a “know it all” streak. Recently though it’s turned into what feels like constant, subtle digs at my husband and my relationship.
It’s never outright rude, but it’s very consistent and always framed as a comparison. For example, I mentioned my husband wants to buy me my dream bag when I give birth, and she said “I find that really weird, it would be nicer if he bought you gold.” Not awful in isolation, but it’s the tone.
I said he’s going away for a month for work because he’ll be getting paid double, and she immediately said “I can’t believe he would leave you when you’re pregnant.” I explained I encouraged him to go as we need the money and I’m fine, and she just gave me a look and said “my husband would never do that.”
She does this a lot - frames everything as “my husband would never…” or implies her relationship is somehow stronger. She was talking about being worried about her in-laws and I said sometimes they say things when your husband isn’t there (as that’s happened to me), and she said “well they know my husband is my best friend and I tell him everything so they wouldn’t dare.” It just felt like a dig, as if to suggest me and DH aren’t close?
What I find odd is she’s actually told me quite negative things about her own husband (e.g. him not wanting her out past a certain time), but then she reframes it as “protective” and uses it to make comments about mine like “I know your husband is less protective” or even “maybe your husband isn’t as dominant” when I mentioned a disagreement I had.
It’s that kind of comment that really doesn’t sit right with me. It feels quite undermining and honestly a bit disrespectful, but because it’s said in a casual way I don’t know if I’m making it into a bigger deal than it is.
Another example that didn’t sit right with me... before she got married she told me she struggles with anger. I opened up and said I used to as well, and therapy really helped me, especially early in my marriage as I had to learn to handle disagreements better (my husband has always been very calm and patient).
Instead of engaging with that, she kept insisting she “wouldn’t have that issue” because her husband is amazing and she only has issues with her family. It felt like she completely missed the point and turned it into another comparison about husbands, which is something she does a lot.
It’s also the fact it’s so frequent now- almost every conversation ends up with some sort of comparison or comment about my husband/relationship.
AIBU to feel like this is actually quite off behaviour? Or am I being too sensitive?

I was friends with a person one time , we met every Tuesday.
She came to mine & the following week I went to hers .
She was very similar to your friend always passing snidy remarks , because that is exactly what it is 🤷🏻‍♀️.
I like you use to question myself , “ am I overthinking “, “ perhaps I’m picking her up wrong “ .
I mentioned to another friend of mine that it was bothering me .
She gave me this advice , “ J if you leave someone’s company feeling negative, deflated , well then this isn’t someone whose company you should be keeping “.
She couldn’t have spoken a truer word.
I sent the friend in question a very nice message ,but basically told her we wouldn’t be seeing one another again .
And I have never spent time with her since , I salute her when I see her in person, we are both still living in the same town & it is small .
I’ll tell you one thing though , I have never ever regretted my decision.
She didn’t bring anything positive to my life only feelings of negativity.
I think you should cut your friend loose too .

Your friend would irritate me, i think I would say..."yes, yes, yes, your husband is better than mine, I've acknowledged it so now can you stop with the comparisons!"
But you might not have a friend after saying that😆

I think it's lovely your husband wants to buy you a designer bag, that's what you want! I think she's jealous of you getting a designer bag. In fact I think she's very jealous and insecure full stop, i'd be pulling away from her if I were you, because you'll make friends with other mums at mother and baby groups and toddler groups, you'll be at a different stage in your life to your friend when baby comes along.

She’s devaluing you to make herself feel better. I’d bet she is quite miserable underneath it all. She doesn’t sound like much of a friend, why are you wasting your time with her if she is just winding you up with this game of oneupmanship. She is petty and immature. I would phase her out. Find better friends.

nope

I think anyone who ‘feels’ consciously superior to any other human being (unless they are a criminal!) is actually insecure underneath - as they are comparing themselves with others and their ‘loci or control’ is external which is a very unstable place psychologically as people are seeking validation for their sense or self from outside and unpredictable situations. As others have said some people get their (false) sense of security or keep themselves afloat by pushing other people down.

But we can ruminate and do analysis paralysis on someone else indefinitely but the only change is when we take action.

I have asked a couple of posters on this thread who have directed to tell her how you feel if they had done that themselves IRL and how it went. Alternatively if there is anyone else who has given feedback or received feedback on such behaviours and if that improved the friendship. My hunch is that with such reactive insecure types it’s a red rag to a bull and won’t go well - as their behaviours are very entrenched and their egos fragile and volatile. But I would like to be wrong.

I find it helpful to divide interactions and friendships into ‘radiators’ or ‘drains’ - consider how you feel afterwards - was it warm and mutual and productive or one sided, snipey and exhausting? You don’t even have to blame the ‘drains’ - you can just decide you are not compatible - they might find your company tedious as well - we might as well put each other out of our misery and actively replace the drains that have take up space in our social lives with radiators - that’s a much more pleasant way to live. Agree with PP that her grating will be intolerable when you have a baby / are sleep deprived etc. You don’t have any obligations to this frienemy but you do have an obligation to your own emotional wellbeing and you need to protect and enhance it always.

Your friend is sounding a little like a brainwashed wannabe 'trad wife' 😕

I would actually be very concerned about her. To me it sounds like she’s in a very controlling relationship and she’s either subconsciously trying to reassure herself, or she’s subtly trying to work out how normal her husband’s behaviour is.

Oh they might, but it’s not because I’m dropping in that my DH is better than theirs, or I did something better than them or one upped them. I literally hate bragging, so if anything they don’t know much about me or my life or ‘achievements’.

But I make friends easily and am generally well regarded and sought out at work, so I don’t think it’s a huge issue…

What do you feel that you are superior to most people about (that you don’t tell them?)

It doesn't matter what we think. If it's making you annoyed/unhappy, then speak up.

I don't think arguing back is the way.
Maybe the high ground is saying something like "you know, Lisa, everyone's relationship is different. What works for one couple doesn't work for another and that's fine. But when we talk about our relationships, you seem to make negative comments about me and husband. I'm very happy with husband, and I don't like hearing the comments. Can you stop yourself? You wouldn't like it if someone commented negatively about Kevin every time you brought him up."

All this

She seems to have got her views on marriage from romantic novels. Very, very old romantic novels.

I think you do need to challenge her every time or she will never stop. I think the grey rocking approach would go over her head. PPs have made some great suggestions for things to say. Most are more diplomatic than mine which is

“Congratulations you have won the Who Has the Best Husband competition.” Followed by either an ear splitting brisk hand clap or a derisory slow one.

You are a very good and patient friend but does she deserve you

She's basically doing the in-person version of that Facebook thing where people post gushing updates about how wonderful their lives are and how they have the best husband/marriage/ life ever.

They do this because they feel that if they can convince others that everything is wonderful they might feel better about their shitty lives and problems.

She's not happy and she's trying to convince herself that her life is better and she's happier than you.

Who the heck wants a 'dominant' husband?! What's that about?

Just use the Mumsnet classic 'did you mean that to sound rude (about my husband)?' use it every time. But also she sounds nasty and do you really want to hang around with her. I'd never say this kind of stuff to my friends about their relationships

The way to avoid this is to not tell her things about your husband and what he’s doing for you.
She does sound off, and as if she compares herself to you, but honestly the comment about the bag was asking for a reaction, I think. Surely the baby is enough of a gift, why would anyone want some material item as well? And why would you feel the need to tell someone about it. You can see how that could be construed as bragging, even if it wasn’t meant that way.

I don’t think I’ve ever told anyone about a gift my husband gave me. Such things are private.

This is a friendship I would be withdrawing from. She sounds exhausting.

Why not? Eternity rings were traditionally given after the birth of the first child. It's sweet that he wants to give the woman he loves a gift.

Love this,!

As other posters have said she's insecure and jealous.

She sounds awful tbh - I wouldn't want to be friends with her. Not just because she is being unpleasant about your relationship (clearly in order to make her feel better about her own), but also because of her apparent internalised misogynist attitudes to how men abd women should behave and what they shpuld expect from each other.

I don’t get how the subject of husbands comes up so much. If you do want to continue seeing her (doesn’t sound that fun!) I would make it a game to never ever mention your husband and if she mentions hers change to subject immediately. Could actually be strangely satisfying? I think you need to decentre husbands and talk about other stuff

I've gone YABU. The PPs support you overall but you are getting YANBUs. Friend being horrid. Jealous. Tell her firmly it's hurtful and and not appreciated but if she can't stop herself she is out of your life and convos

This is extremely annoying behaviour from your friend. Of course it points to her not feeling very happy or secure in her marriage... But that doesn't mean you have to tolerate this nonsense.

I think your only mistake here is giving the silly criticisms any oxygen. Stop defending anything about your marriage. Turn it around on her entirely. The next time she she says anything pause then ask
"Is it all going well? I'm here if you want to talk about anything"

Do this or something version of it on repeat until in frustration she snaps "why do you keep asking me that, I've told you it's all amazing"

Then you calmly respond "yes I know you say that. But you might not be aware you are constantly comparing to my marriage or picking holes. I'm wondering if everything is really ok with you. I'm always here to listen."

She will either tell you the truth or not but she will certainly stop going for you.

My guess is she’s finding it difficult and actually her husband is not being ‘protective’ but rather is controlling so she is putting her own narrative on it

you have some choices, let it go over you with a neutral ok or hmm that’s nice , tell her what she is doing and ask her to stop, or stop seeing her

@suziequeue1 Lots of people are speculating on her possible reasons for comparing your life and husband with hers. It doesn't really matter why she's behaving like this though, does it? Spending time with her does not enhance your life, so just let the friendship draw to a close.