AIBU to think my friend keeps undermining my marriage?

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I don’t know if I’m explaining this properly, but it’s got to the point where I leave conversations with her feeling really irritated and slightly put down, and I’m starting to wonder if I’m overreacting or if it actually is as off as it feels.
For context my friend got married 2 months ago and I've been married 5 years, but even before that she’s always had a bit of a “know it all” streak. Recently though it’s turned into what feels like constant, subtle digs at my husband and my relationship.
It’s never outright rude, but it’s very consistent and always framed as a comparison. For example, I mentioned my husband wants to buy me my dream bag when I give birth, and she said “I find that really weird, it would be nicer if he bought you gold.” Not awful in isolation, but it’s the tone.
I said he’s going away for a month for work because he’ll be getting paid double, and she immediately said “I can’t believe he would leave you when you’re pregnant.” I explained I encouraged him to go as we need the money and I’m fine, and she just gave me a look and said “my husband would never do that.”
She does this a lot - frames everything as “my husband would never…” or implies her relationship is somehow stronger. She was talking about being worried about her in-laws and I said sometimes they say things when your husband isn’t there (as that’s happened to me), and she said “well they know my husband is my best friend and I tell him everything so they wouldn’t dare.” It just felt like a dig, as if to suggest me and DH aren’t close?
What I find odd is she’s actually told me quite negative things about her own husband (e.g. him not wanting her out past a certain time), but then she reframes it as “protective” and uses it to make comments about mine like “I know your husband is less protective” or even “maybe your husband isn’t as dominant” when I mentioned a disagreement I had.
It’s that kind of comment that really doesn’t sit right with me. It feels quite undermining and honestly a bit disrespectful, but because it’s said in a casual way I don’t know if I’m making it into a bigger deal than it is.
Another example that didn’t sit right with me... before she got married she told me she struggles with anger. I opened up and said I used to as well, and therapy really helped me, especially early in my marriage as I had to learn to handle disagreements better (my husband has always been very calm and patient).
Instead of engaging with that, she kept insisting she “wouldn’t have that issue” because her husband is amazing and she only has issues with her family. It felt like she completely missed the point and turned it into another comparison about husbands, which is something she does a lot.
It’s also the fact it’s so frequent now- almost every conversation ends up with some sort of comparison or comment about my husband/relationship.
AIBU to feel like this is actually quite off behaviour? Or am I being too sensitive?

Not only ridiculous but highly subjective.

She is not your friend.

You have a fair point but if you challenge her that 'friends don't criticise your partner or call out how their own life is better' what she will take from that is 'ooh poor x her relationship is so much worse than mine that I can't discuss my relationship for fear of offending her' which would tick me off. That is why personally I would be happy to put it on the table for discussion, so that HER comments are also on the table for discussion. And they are unreasonable so that will work out well for me. I do understand your point and from a moral high ground, you are probably right.

This kind of character is exhausting. Friends should lift each other up. We had a friend a bit like this and it made everyone clam up. She ended up leaving the group and everyone relaxed and started being more honest. When people feel like they're not being judged, they can be themselves and I'm so glad because when people have faced struggles they've been better supported.

Before she left the group I tried having an in-person conversation with her about it (in day time, at home over coffee) to explain how she made people feel because I liked her apart from this thing but the friendship kind of fizzled and that was the end of that.

Your mate sounds like the kind of person who would go on holiday to Elevenerife.

Have you done that before @Bristolandlazy- sent someone a text like that - how did they respond?

Is she from another culture by any chance? Some of what you’re saying is ringing bells for me as this is definitely ingrained behaviour within my culture.

We're both of the same culture

Honestly she sounds like one of the desperate ones on Married at First Sight who declares they are the strongest couple when in fact they are the weakest. In all honesty, I think I would stop seeing her so much. @WheretheFishesareFrightening suggested some blinding replies - try them.

This is where I would fall. I would bet she has always had a streak of ‘negging’ you and you’ve dismissed it. You say she negs her DH too, so she is clearly not a very ‘nice’ person - and she isn’t really a good friend, is she? Can you imagine how bad she will be once you have your baby… and when/if she has one of her own?

I’d be fading this one out OP.

Her husband has her on curfew and acts 'dominant'. I'd tell her to me that sounds like it could be abusive and does she understand about coercion etc?

It sounds like her marriage is in trouble and she's trying to deflect it onto your relationship. Ultimately though it sounds like she's not very nice. Maybe step away from the friendship?

Sounds like she's in an abusive marriage and in denial about it. If she's in the position I expect you won't be able to resolve this by a frank conversation, she will just buckle down. You either wait out her admitting to herself then you that she is in an abusive marriage then support her or just distance yourself.

Oh good Lord no don’t do this. It’s not a sparring competition - who has the energy in life to be on alert ready for verbal combat with these types.

Listen to your feelings. She is hurting and undemining you in subtle but consistent ways. She’s either a contrarian with everyone anyway or she is especially piqued and a competitive frienemy behind the smiles with you.

Life is too precious to have these types knocking you off balance - who cares if she’s insecure, in a bad relationship, has issues - all that matters is she is deliberately putting you down. Drop the rope. Walk away and replace this negative waste of space with a reciprocal, mutually respectful and joyous friendship.

There’s jealousy and insecurity hidden behind these passive aggressive put downs - I’d distance myself personally

I think you just need to get better and quicker at shutting down comparisons and highlighting that all marriages are not meant to be the same.

” what works for your relationship wouldn’t work for all” rinse and repeat.

it does strike me though that she possibly isn’t happy and maybe quite vulnerable in her marriage.

when she says things about dominance look concerned and ask her is everything all right in her marriage and does she feel safe.

My grandma used to say “well, it wouldn’t do for us all to be the same, my duck”

I’d just deploy that on repeat!

It's so tricky OP because meaning is often shaped by tone, body language etc so it's hard to say as an outsider what is going on.

The main thing though is that you figure out what feels good and clear and supportive to you, and if this friend leaves you feeling drained maybe it's time to gently shift the boundaries and as other posters have said, share less personal stuff.

I'm guessing she has other good qualities and things you admire about them so maybe this is good feedback that she's not the right person for deep relational chats about husbands.

This would get very tiresome and also quite hurtful. Her views on marriage sound a bit weird as well. No joking, being dominant, back by 8pm, err ok, you do you.
Maybe your husband should pay for driving lessons and a car for you instead of a bag? Then you wouldn't need to ask her for lifts. Public transport with a baby is a right faff.

I had wondered if the person was asian as ive only seen these comments from my asian pals.

You don't know my situation and why I cannot drive at the moment. I do not NEED to ask her for lifts as I stated previously, I am always more than happy to take public transport, I simply asked as it was on her way and we always help each other out in these ways. That's actually the first time in our multiple year friendship that I ahve ever asked for a lift (if you would consider it a lift because again, she did not have to go out of her way at all).

It does look as though everything in her garden is not as rosy as she would like you to think - hence the constant put-downs. Perhaps stop oversharing with her?
Be yourself and be happy OP 💐

I would just say something to the effect of 'Well this is what works for us/how we like to do things but everyone's different' if she makes a dig about some particular action but otherwise try and ignore. She sounds not happy with her own relationship tbh since she keeps making passive aggressive comments so I'd just try not to be drawn into it.

She sounds annoying, and I'd probably stop interacting with her as much, but as you say she's nice in other ways, I think I'd have to contradict her every time she says something you find undermining or 'competitive' about your marriage.

It's possible that this behaviour will fade naturally once she's been married for a while, but if not, I'd definitely take a closer look at what you're actually getting from the friendship. I can't see how someone who does this frequently could be much of a friend. It's weird!

That poor woman, to be feeling so insecure after only two months of marriage. I would just laugh and change the subject. If it gets too much cool the friendship for a while. Within six months she will have relaxed, she’ll be pregnant and her DH will do no right, or they’ll be getting divorced.

So it’s even gone so far that you are censoring what you say because it would irritate her? Not only is she putting you down - she is now silencing you as well. Very toxic.

I think I'd go for the head tilt plus a response along the lines of "You seem to feel the need to compare your husband to other ones all the time, is there something about him that's worrying you?"

Certainly my response to the comments about "Your husband isn't so dominant/so protective" comments would be "No, thank god. I'm an independent woman, I couldn't put up with that".