AIBU to think my friend keeps undermining my marriage?

[suziequeue1]

I don’t know if I’m explaining this properly, but it’s got to the point where I leave conversations with her feeling really irritated and slightly put down, and I’m starting to wonder if I’m overreacting or if it actually is as off as it feels.
For context my friend got married 2 months ago and I've been married 5 years, but even before that she’s always had a bit of a “know it all” streak. Recently though it’s turned into what feels like constant, subtle digs at my husband and my relationship.
It’s never outright rude, but it’s very consistent and always framed as a comparison. For example, I mentioned my husband wants to buy me my dream bag when I give birth, and she said “I find that really weird, it would be nicer if he bought you gold.” Not awful in isolation, but it’s the tone.
I said he’s going away for a month for work because he’ll be getting paid double, and she immediately said “I can’t believe he would leave you when you’re pregnant.” I explained I encouraged him to go as we need the money and I’m fine, and she just gave me a look and said “my husband would never do that.”
She does this a lot - frames everything as “my husband would never…” or implies her relationship is somehow stronger. She was talking about being worried about her in-laws and I said sometimes they say things when your husband isn’t there (as that’s happened to me), and she said “well they know my husband is my best friend and I tell him everything so they wouldn’t dare.” It just felt like a dig, as if to suggest me and DH aren’t close?
What I find odd is she’s actually told me quite negative things about her own husband (e.g. him not wanting her out past a certain time), but then she reframes it as “protective” and uses it to make comments about mine like “I know your husband is less protective” or even “maybe your husband isn’t as dominant” when I mentioned a disagreement I had.
It’s that kind of comment that really doesn’t sit right with me. It feels quite undermining and honestly a bit disrespectful, but because it’s said in a casual way I don’t know if I’m making it into a bigger deal than it is.
Another example that didn’t sit right with me... before she got married she told me she struggles with anger. I opened up and said I used to as well, and therapy really helped me, especially early in my marriage as I had to learn to handle disagreements better (my husband has always been very calm and patient).
Instead of engaging with that, she kept insisting she “wouldn’t have that issue” because her husband is amazing and she only has issues with her family. It felt like she completely missed the point and turned it into another comparison about husbands, which is something she does a lot.
It’s also the fact it’s so frequent now- almost every conversation ends up with some sort of comparison or comment about my husband/relationship.
AIBU to feel like this is actually quite off behaviour? Or am I being too sensitive?

She’s being bloody rude and obnoxious, YANBU or over sensitive at all to dislike it.

I find as I get older I am really losing the appetite to put up with ‘friends’ like this, but I have done way too much putting up in the past. I’d either pull her up on it really flatly and assertively each time she does it, ‘stop making critical comments about my husband, it’s rude’. End of discussion, you don’t have to justify yourself. If I had to repeat that more than three times then honestly I’d sack her off.

If you’re generally fond of her, you could just try repeating ‘nice for you, not for me’ as a PP recommended, and hope she gets bored.

Or, you could just start spending more time with other friends who aren’t like this. But I think I’d want to explain to her at least once what the problem is, as although it’s wildly annoying I suppose it’s always possible she doesn’t realise that she’s doing it or how wildly annoying you find it. I feel like if someone was once a good friend you should probably give them at least one clear steer about what they’re doing that you don’t like, and give them a chance to change it, before you distance yourself.

Bloody hell she sounds tedious and not too bright!

Are you really getting anything from this friendship? It's fine to drop people who make you feel shit.

She's not your friend. You know that, surely.

Please stop telling her personal details about your husband and marriage, it's very unfair to him, as she sounds quite vindictive and is definitely gossiping about you both, I'm sure he'd rather she did not have so much ammunition to slag him off.

I read half that...
She's a vampire sucking the joy out of your life.
You need to make much less time for her in your life.
When friends turn toxic 😆

I agree that plenty of people are like this, but those people don’t become my friends as they are weird and annoying. If my friends were to suddenly start being like this, I would see them much less and they probably wouldn’t be my friends any more!

So why hang around with her, then?

You are not being too sensitive. This would piss me off mightily too. Id either stop seeing her, share way less information with her or challenge her every time till she packs in (maybe resulting in her choosing not to see me). Depending on how much I liked her. As many have said, she is almost certainly unhappy but that doesn’t help you.
Challenging would consist of going back to basics to point out her unreasonableness in a slightly puzzled tone. (Keep the questions going till she admits she is wrong or changes the subject)
I find that really weird, it would be nicer if he bought you gold
Why would it be nice for him to buy me something I don’t want rather than something I do?
I can’t believe he would leave you when you’re pregnant.
Why would you expect him to go against my wishes? I’d be really cross if he ignored my opinion because he thought I knew best. Do you prefer your husband not to take your wishes into account? Why?
my husband would never do that
Never take your opinion into account? Why is that ok with you?
well they know my husband is my best friend and I tell him everything so they wouldn’t dare
So why are you worried then?
I know your husband is less protective
He trusts my judgement. Does your husband stop you from doing things? Do you need help?
maybe your husband isn’t as dominant
What so you mean by dominant? Does hyour husband dominate you against your will? Do you need help?
she wouldn’t have that issue. because her husband is amazing and she only has issues with her family.
So why do you think my suggestion is not applicable for your family?
You get the idea - you could have fun with it to see how long it takes and it will stop it riling you up.

I might be off here, but this sounds like my friend who has an arranged marriage, she is always trying to compare as she has no reference for a love marriage

God if I said I'd love the break, I can already hear her making a comment about how she loves her husband's company so personally wouldn't want a break 😂

But if she’s so tiresome (and she sounds it), why choose to spend time with her?

To each their own, but personally I wouldn’t engage so much with the individual comments, because I feel like you’re then accepting OP’s friend’s gambit that it’s fine for her to be critical and comparative about OP’s husband, and the only issue is whether her individual criticisms and comparisons are actually accurate or not. Whereas I’d start from the position that a genuine friend doesn’t criticise your partner to you (unless there is a real issue that needs calling out like abuse), and a friend absolutely does not repeatedly call attention to the ways in which they think their own life or relationship is better than yours. That’s the behaviour that needs calling out. I don’t think OP should get drawn into the weeds of challenging her friend’s individual criticisms.

HAHA the multiple 'do you need help' made me laugh and also make me feel stupid for not responding in this way... thank you for your suggestions

She has other positive traits which is why I'm friends with her. This is the one trait about her that I detest. You don't need to comment the same thing multiple times

I think she is very insecure. I also think you need to stop " feeding " her constant comparisons by trying to justify and / or explain your marriage or / and husband. Do a big smile when she does a comment and say " Gosh! I love that for you ". You don't have to play " who has the most wonderful husband " ( just for the record ... it's me though 😉 ). If you don't engage and smile prettily she might even stop. But I don't think you are being too sensitive. She is doing it for her very own reasons. And you are most likely not the only one she plays with like this.

No, the commenter you're replying to is right. It's not a trait it's a massive red flag.

She's not your friend, friends do not behave like this.

She's shown you who she is, and you'll just keep taking it. Shrug.

I’d be asking myself why you appear to be friends with someone you feel is continually criticising you

This - I have family like this and stay away it's so much better for my happiness levels and mental health.

Either grey rock - tell her nothing - or find a way to discourage.

Had family member we took to nearby attraction best in whole of northern europe with this historical example- immediately she want on about better ones she'd seen - we all eye rolled behind their back and moved away refused to engage further.

This isn't a trait. She's being deliberately unkind to you and judgemental of you and your husband. If you choose to remain in contact with her you need to suck it up or tell her to stop.

Shes not a friend. She's a walking red flag

But if you like her and want to remain in contact with her, you know what you're getting

She’s insecure, very very insecure. She’s most likely not happy either as insecurity doesn’t breed happiness. I’d just ignore the comments with a ‘more tea?’ type response.

Thanks for your reply. If she does it again, which I'm sure she will, I will definitely address it. If she argues or continues, I will pull away.

I bet her husband is a right treat.
If she ever gives birth I picture Del Boy at the end of the bed….
Come on sweetheart, I’ve got you a lovely chunky gold chain and bracelet for after.

LOL😂

She does sound unpleasant and as others have said, she actually sounds miserable. The constant comparison is not healthy as if by saying these things she is trying to convince herself that her DH is a diamond.

I agree with the pp who said to reduce what you tell her. Leave out the personal bits and just don't chat about your husband - give her less to compare. If it continues then you'll have to decide whether the nice parts of your friendship outweigh the annoyance you feel with her making these comments. I'm not sure I'd be keen to see her often.

I agree with this. I have a friend who used to say things “oh, Bob would never let me do x eg drive home late at night” as if Bob was some kind of saviour and my DH was somehow negligent by respecting my plans/staying home to care for DC.

Take a wild guess as to which husband turned out to be the controlling, abusive arse.

Sadly OP it’s done to convince herself she has the perfect marriage-and let’s face it everyone’s idea of the perfect marriage is different - she sounds quite immature, needs the Disney dream etc

Absolutely .