AIBU to think my friend keeps undermining my marriage?

[suziequeue1]

I don’t know if I’m explaining this properly, but it’s got to the point where I leave conversations with her feeling really irritated and slightly put down, and I’m starting to wonder if I’m overreacting or if it actually is as off as it feels.
For context my friend got married 2 months ago and I've been married 5 years, but even before that she’s always had a bit of a “know it all” streak. Recently though it’s turned into what feels like constant, subtle digs at my husband and my relationship.
It’s never outright rude, but it’s very consistent and always framed as a comparison. For example, I mentioned my husband wants to buy me my dream bag when I give birth, and she said “I find that really weird, it would be nicer if he bought you gold.” Not awful in isolation, but it’s the tone.
I said he’s going away for a month for work because he’ll be getting paid double, and she immediately said “I can’t believe he would leave you when you’re pregnant.” I explained I encouraged him to go as we need the money and I’m fine, and she just gave me a look and said “my husband would never do that.”
She does this a lot - frames everything as “my husband would never…” or implies her relationship is somehow stronger. She was talking about being worried about her in-laws and I said sometimes they say things when your husband isn’t there (as that’s happened to me), and she said “well they know my husband is my best friend and I tell him everything so they wouldn’t dare.” It just felt like a dig, as if to suggest me and DH aren’t close?
What I find odd is she’s actually told me quite negative things about her own husband (e.g. him not wanting her out past a certain time), but then she reframes it as “protective” and uses it to make comments about mine like “I know your husband is less protective” or even “maybe your husband isn’t as dominant” when I mentioned a disagreement I had.
It’s that kind of comment that really doesn’t sit right with me. It feels quite undermining and honestly a bit disrespectful, but because it’s said in a casual way I don’t know if I’m making it into a bigger deal than it is.
Another example that didn’t sit right with me... before she got married she told me she struggles with anger. I opened up and said I used to as well, and therapy really helped me, especially early in my marriage as I had to learn to handle disagreements better (my husband has always been very calm and patient).
Instead of engaging with that, she kept insisting she “wouldn’t have that issue” because her husband is amazing and she only has issues with her family. It felt like she completely missed the point and turned it into another comparison about husbands, which is something she does a lot.
It’s also the fact it’s so frequent now- almost every conversation ends up with some sort of comparison or comment about my husband/relationship.
AIBU to feel like this is actually quite off behaviour? Or am I being too sensitive?

Oh dear. If ever anything screamed "My husband is the world's most boring man" this does. Maybe a response such as "If men never make jokes, they become terribly dull, don't they?".

Who has a 'dream bag'? What a weird concept. It's like those people who've been storing up baby names since they were five, and get cross that the other person involved in producing the baby isn't wowed by whatever ghastly confection her five year old self thought was perfect.

I had a friend like this and it IS 100% a place of insecurity. She has to put you down somehow or “I could never” “my husband could never”…

Both myself and DH went away with friends when our toddler turned 1 and she would “I could never” or “my DH wouldn’t want to miss 3 days of his child’s life”

I take my child abroad “I could never take my child on a plane”

I told her what me and DH were up too and somehow “we would never”

I eventually dropped her and it was the best choice of my life, life’s too short for jealous friends x

Is she twelve? This is a totally ridiculous thing to say.

So do you, for being so judgmental and childish. Is this all you’ve commented on out of the whole issue… jelaous x

I was suggesting learning to drive as a way to avoid her and to make it easier to get around with a baby but it's obviously not obligatory
I would still say it's a lift though, when someone is going the same way as you. It doesn't have to be a detour to be a lift (but maybe you call it something else?)

I agree if you are not going to drop her, you need some one liners to shut it down. From what I hear comments like 'well my husband trusts me' or 'I guess it's different for us because neither of us is needy' might help. I deeply suspect in about 5 years you'll he hearing another version of events. Protective husband, codependency etc is recipe for disaster especially if babies come along.

Dh and I were always very independent and some people couldn't understand at all. I don't remember bitchy comments but there was a lot of disbelief at things we thought were perfectly normal. Like if we were at a party and one wanted to go home and the other didn't, we'd just head on or stay out alone. Or disbelief that I've gone on a mini break alone, people asking if dh minds. Likewise asking if I minded dh went on a lads weekend while I was pg, I'd be thinking why on earth would I mind? I think people who have very different relationships find hard to understand how it works for others. That's fair enough, but her critical undertone or outright criticism is the real problem.

Be brave and have a frank discussion with her about what she’s doing. Then when she does it in the future you can say - “you’re doing that thing again where you have a dig at my husband and tell me yours is better”. It’s a poor character trait and you’ll be helping her out by holding a mirror up to it.

I'm probably naive, although married for 20 years, but have no idea why anyone would comment like this.
YANBU.

I actually know someone like this but it's the man instead! It's almost as if he's trying to pit me against his partner. She's basically perfect. Everything she does is amazing. It's almost as if he sees her as more superior to me and his relationship with her is superior to mine. Comments come across as patronising, condescending and belittling.

The sad part is, he never used to be like this. I've known him for 30+ years. Since getting together with his partner 13 years ago, he has become like this.

I think you can only do as I have. Step-back and don't share much personal information. I think my friend is insecure, and I often wonder if he's as happy as he tries to make out. Don't get me wrong, his partner is a nice person, but she's not some form of Goddess!!

It was obvious to me one-third into reading your post. Your friend is absolutely miserable in her marriage and only feels better by casting judgement on others. The fact that she has let her guard down and then quickly defends her husband only proves it.

I'd take a big step back. You don't need to be around this kind of negativity. It's not fair to you and it's very bad energy.

My mother was this way. A miserable person who only felt better by implying her life was better than others when it SO wasn't.....

People do do it. My ex friend did a version of it: implying her marriage was in better shape than mine, making little digs about my son’s school uniform and my house renovation. I do suspect it comes from a place of insecurity - she is extremely competitive.

As it happens, I was going through a pretty rough time one of the last times we met up and these little comments annoyed me and made me see her in a completely different light - as did a couple of other things she did.

I just ghosted her in the end because I realised I didn’t actually like her all that much and life’s too short.

Have you done this IRL @InWithPeaceOutWithStressand how did it go? I am new to assertiveness and have only got through to the steps of noticing their comments make me feel unsettled (that’s a start) - but I am never ready in the moment with a comeback (because so unsettled) - I occasionally lapse and get drawn in to defending myself / the situation but that doesn’t feel like a resolution or anything constructive. So far I go quiet which is the best I can muster. Then I tend to withdraw from the friendship in stages - starting with def don’t share info which I know will trigger their competitive nature - so the trust and reciprocity is gone (if it was ever there) and I hold resentment and have to brace myself for meet ups crossing off the bingo card of jarring comments as I go. I get that that this is my failure to communicate boundaries - but the one time I took a deep breath and carefully planned a difficult conversation thru the COIN a method my mate kicked off and slammed the phone down on me ! Maybe I tolerate volatile people for too long - just interested where others have had these difficult conversations and they have gone well?

Drop her or distance yourself or have it out with her - why would you want a friend to make you feel like this?? Sensitive or not it’s making you feel bad - so do something about it.

@suziequeue1

I'm vacillating between her being in the 'newlywed cloud of bliss' where everything their spouse does is wonderful OR if she's finding out that he is not exactly the way he portrayed himself to be. My exH didn't turn abusive until he got the ring on my finger, and then it started in small ways.

If you feel like continuing the friendship I'd just say "How nice for you" when she says something about how wonderful he is vs your DH. And I'd keep my eyes and ears open in case she starts saying things that indicate her DH is starting to be controlling (ie the 'curfew') or if her behaviour starts to change in ways that indicate she's not free to do as she chooses.

It's up to you if or how long you choose to 'hang in there', if at all.

She’s jealous and in a very unhappy relationsjip

you can tell this a mile off. People happy in their relationships don’t talk that way. They have no need too

What? What is wrong with wanting a bag? Are you alright?

Yes this is something I have been through - it’s the negging on your individual life choices (totally irrelevant to them), competition in a race you haven’t entered (children, careers, money etc) - which might be because they are insecure, jealous or feel superior to you - but their status and intentions don’t really matter because it’s the negative impact it has on your own self esteem and the quality of the trust and integrity of the friendship. It doesn’t matter if they are insecure / have a shit marriage etc - because any interaction is leaving you worse off - so what’s the point of the friendship. Maybe I am just low atm but increasingly feel I have no emotional capacity or headroom to absorb and tolerate frienemys.

This!

Great advice.

Gosh it’s like something out the 1800s, whose husband is best. I don’t know how you’ve both not got the ick of each other,

I am not sure I’ve got advice as I can’t imagine playing husband top trump, but I’d really focus on not giving a shit if she thinks her husband is better,

Oh, I think she probably does.

All these comments are sly little digs, purposely designed to get under your skin, dent your self esteem, and make you feel unsure about yourself and insecure in your relationship.

Why she does it is irrelevant. She is not a friend I would want to have.

Newly wed and she thinks her husband is the best thing since sliced bread and is trying to prove it to herself (and you). She may well be starting to see flaws, thinking he should be the serious, dominant one sounds like the beginning of real problems for her.

She seems quite shallow really and can only see things from one point of view, most of the things she says you could turn around back at her relationship, but it gets a bit tit for tat, I would just ignore and carry on talking about something else.

^Yes, this. She’s protesting too much. Why even make the comparison?

Sit her down for a chat.

I've been thinking a lot lately over some of our conversations about our respective husbands and marriages, and it's got me worrying.

You've mentioned recently how he's dominant and doesn't trust you out without his consent, he's serious and you don't laugh together much.

Are you OK? I know you've not been married long but maybe you hoped something would improve once you were or perhaps something has changed since? I need you to know I'm here and I'll never judge if you need help.