AIBU, Grandparents reduced Private School Fees Support at the Last Minute.

[LighthouseDreamz]

DS has ASD and ADHD, he is very academic. Between our family, we have discussed for many years that DS will need to attend a private secondary school, as he needs small classes and a school with good pastoral care and that is nurturing. His current class teacher agrees that he will thrive in a small environment and is unlikely to cope in a huge secondary school. Very kindly, DS’s grandparents offered to pay half of the fees, meaning myself and DH can just about afford the other half. They understood this to be approximately £13k a year.

DS has gone for the trial day and 11+ and been offered a place at the school. We’ve paid the £600 deposit as well as the fees for the exam and interview (£200). He was very excited to attend the school.

Yesterday, DS’s grandparents called and said that actually, having gone through their finances, they can only afford a third of the fees. This means that DH and I would be looking at covering £20k between us, which we just can’t afford.

Do I have a chance of getting the deposit back? Is it likely the school will be able to offer any sort of financial assistance or bursary or compassionate support?

My other option is to home educate DS but I literally know nothing about this area.

This is precisely the situation bursaries are designed for. It is not cheeky and nobody will think less of you for asking. They will expect you to be honest, and if you are sat on lots of savings or equity in your house then they will have to go, but if your DS will genuinely benefit from their school, if they think he will be a good fit for them, and if you really cannot afford it, then they may be willing to help.

Which means the local authority then needs to support a placement that does meet his needs, which the ECHP system is designed to do.

Unfortunately realistic though as with VAT now on school fees the government is pocketing about £5k in VAT of that £26k in addition to saving the cost of educating the child (about £7.7k per child per year in the state sector)

It will be hard to find a school with lower fees.

Has your child got an EHCP op? If so call a meeting for an EHCP review and name the school under the parental preference bit. My child’s in a fully funded (by the LA) private school for their SEN needs. Good luck

It is a risk, but I’d pay for year 1 at the private school and see how DC settles and how the school likes him. Then after a year, go to the school and say you’ve a change in family circumstances and can you apply for a bursary. Some schools prefer to use bursaries to keep a good kid than risk it on a new family.

also, spend that year looking at alternatives and looking in detail at your finances to see if you can earn more or cut back if the school is good enough.

Ah, I feel for you OP. I am generally a hater or private schools but as someone with AuDHD, I get that mainstream isn’t always right and specialist education is hard to come by and this must have felt so good to get your son some support. I hope you are able to find a happy alternative.Maybe enquire about financial support options.

When was the EHCP rejected? I'd focus on that which will open up the potential of special schools, including private ones if you can get a space which will be difficult but impossible without an EHCP.

TBH OP one of my DC was similar. Had to attend state secondary and it was horrendous. They’re still impacted though adult now. Given what you’ve said, sounds like you have researched thoroughly, know your DS and his needs best and don’t want to set him up to fail or not reach his potential.

Sounds too like you’ve discounted state or tutor so you’ll need to find a way or make one for private. Would not be right or fair to ask for more from GPs so are there any other options?

Do you work and if so is it FT? Could you or DH take on 2nd job? Look at other savings, equity or sacrifices you can make if this is your number 1 priority which sounds like it is. Also speak to the school.

Should say too as you’ll be aware, conflict, bullying, not fitting in or having social challenges can happen in any school so still won’t be easy at times but do understand why you are resolute on this is the best option.

I’ve seen the other side, the harm neurodivergent young people can suffer when forced to be a square peg in round hole so do what you think is best.

Is DS only child and GPs only grandchild? Those factors matter too to be fair to all.

I think this is a very sensible suggestion in the circumstances. Especially if he's a good student.

You can also use that year to progress the EHCP if you're still within the time limits for appeal/make a new ECHNA request.

If state provision locally isn't appropriate, you are unsure how home schooling would work, so the issue is money (specifically £7k less), as others have mentioned first step is apply for a bursary. If that is unsuccessful, have you considered ways you could earn the additional funds? Could one of you take on a second job for a period? Assuming you have exhausted all avenues to save money from your day to day budget (or combination of both, save a bit and earn a bit more). I appreciate it could mean sacrificing some evenings and/or weekends as a family, so obviously its considering your priorities and what sacrifice is worth this school for your DS. When you hadn't thought you'd need to do anything additional previously, which is immensely frustrating.

It sounds like you have done a lot of research on this being the best option for your DS. I know it is still a lot of money (for most people). Also, if the Grandparents see how much you are sacrificing or working in order to scrape together enough money, they might manage to add a little more to their contribution?

To be fair neither party has done their due diligence here.

One of the awful realisations as a SEND parent is your paperwork has to be 100% as no other bugger is going to help!

The grandparents in this have set you up for a quite a bit of upset but I’d try to let that part go. The truth is you can’t afford it. Apply for state places now and choose one to try.

Is it too late for a SEN school?

Factual.

It's the national (English) deadline with national offer day in March - isn't it common knowledge for people with school age kids? 92% of whom attend state schools (if not on Mumsnet 😂).

It's not a stretch to read into the original post that grandparents thought the total was 13k either.....6k would have been about half.
So if the total is now 18k, parents pay 12k but are quoting they need to find 20k. The extra 8k is a lot for uniforms etc.
The figures here are all over the place and completely inconsistent.
I voted YABU, simply because any contribution by them should not be deemed unreasonable.

You're unreasonable expecting a private education for your child when you can't afford it, sorry. A promise of money is not worth anything.
I hope you've not filled your son's head with "he won't cope at a state school" because there are lots of good ones that have support available. State schools do have studious "nerdy" kids too, quite a few of them in fact. You haven't educated yourself at all about your local state schools? You and your husband need to do some legwork pronto.
Home school will entail you or your husband giving up work, how would that be affordable if school fees are not?

You need to apply for as many bursaries and scholarships as you can through the school and independently. You also need to see if there are any selective local state schools he could apply to.

So they’re only giving £3000 less per year ? So £250 per month less.
surely there could be a way you could come up with this with overtime or cancelling holidays etc etc
Tell grandparents they’ve left you high and dry and can they pay their original agreed amount for just this first year maybe, this buys you time to adjust things, increase hours etc to come up with the rest yourselves in future years.

I agree it will be hard to find a school with lower fees. £26k is already very low. We are in the south west and day fees are typically around £12k-£14k per term, so around £35k-£42k per year, and that is before LSU lessons on top.

That is a fair point @LighthouseDreamz - are you sure your DS will not be expected to have one or two LSU lessons per week and have you factored that cost in?

OP said that her son didn’t meet the threshold for a EHCNA. Nevertheless, it’s probably worth looking at that again and maybe applying for a needs assessment yourself OP. There are model letters you can use.

I agree with @Lightuptheroom‘s assessment and suggestions. There are small and nurturing state schools that cater well for children like OP’s son.

I'm sorry for the horrible surprise, they must feel terrible about it as well.

But honestly you need to work out a schooling option that isn't relying on them. If they pull half this year, they can easily pull another half next year... and eventually you might need to fund the entire thing. I doubt a bursary is an option this late, but it might be - if you truly can't afford it. They will expect you to spend everything on this before they offer though so I'd be sure you really can't afford it first. And then consider your options - if you need to make an additional 13K a year (plus another few thousand each year as the costs go up), what options do you have? Second job? Downsizing?

My daughter is autistic and at a large, loud, chaotic state school because there's no option to do otherwise for her. We don't have 13K or 26K a year so there was no need to even think about it. If it helps, she is doing much better than either of us thought she'd do - she found her studious, quiet people and joined some clubs and is a massive teacher's pet and just ignores the chaos. It's not been perfect, but it's been fine and we can focus on spending a bit extra on the things she really enjoys outside of school. So it's worth considering the life you could create without this massive bill that you can't entirely afford too.

You mentioned homeschooling, have you thought about online schooling? Kings InterHigh support SEN students, no behavioural issues to contend with, but you would have to add in social opportunities.

If your son enjoys rules, and other people who follow rules, get him into a chess club. Transformed my kid and he started a chess club at his high school, which attracted kids similar to him and gave him a friendship group. Also helped him handle people not sticking to “the pattern” and doing something unexpected.

You need to find strategies to bring out his best qualities, whilst teaching him to manage his worst. And you need to find a way to do that with other kids involved. Chess is amazing for it.

He can’t go through life never having learned to manage his own negative behaviours. That’s just not realistic. And as you can see, is already causing issues as it seems it be your main reason for disliking state. Because he is nerdy and likes rules… so do a huge percentage of the kids in school.

I work full time but I am now considering taking on another part time job in the evenings. I have young DC and mine and DH’s relationship was strained as it is with both of our work (he has extremely demanding hours and work), but I will need to explore this option.

Does it not look sneaky to ask for a bursary at this stage or in a years time? I don’t want to come across as disingenuous or like this was the plan the entire time, I don’t want to prejudice my DS before he even gets there. Would it be better to wait a year until he is settled, do you think?

The GP definitely knew it was £13k as that is what we have been discussing for the past year, so for them to now say they can only pay half of that does feel like a bit of a rug pull.

He sounds a lot like my DS OP. Very bright, working at greater depth, a nerd and we were told by his ASD assessor that he would not cope at Secondary school without a huge amount being put in place for him.

He went from a primary of 150 kids to a Secondary school of over 1500 but actually Yr 6 was probably the most difficult year of them all. He didn't have friends really at Secondary school but concentrated on academics, hung out in the library and was fine. Now working as a software engineer.

I think you should stop your obsession with private school, you are going to end up ruining your marriage, breaking up your family, never seeing your kids because you're working all hours - and the fees will only increase and increase.