AIBU to feel a bit hurt about childcare differences between grandchildren?

[OneLovingMoose]

Ive just had a baby and we’ve already had to confirm nursery. I’ve arranged 4 days a week when I go back (using a mix of annual leave and flexible working for the first 10 months, then we’ll reassess). My husband does contract work so can’t commit a day but will do pick ups/drops off around his contracts. I am very much of the opinion that it’s our responsibility to arrange childcare and whilst I would accept help I am not going to expect this or put this onto others - it’s theirs to offer as it’s a lot!

Here’s where I’m struggling a bit…

My sister had a baby 2 years ago and my mum looks after my nephew 2 days a week, with nursery the other 3. This was an arrangement she offered when my sister went back to work 2 days a week after Easter. As she’s a teacher this meant she didn’t have to arrange nursery until September. My sister then went back 5 days a week from the September and my mum continued to look after my nephew 2 days with him in nursery the other 3.

My mum has very strong views that nursery isn’t right for young children and has always blamed any illness or toddler behaviour on it 🙄. Both my sister and I have pushed back on this (especially when she suggests my sister should stop working), but those views have remained based on nothing but her opinion. When I say to her I think my nephew has a good balance of 2 days with her and 3 in nursery (8.15-4pm) she snaps that’s he’s too young to be in 3 full days Q (he’s 2 next month).

What’s confusing/hurtful is that there’s been no mention of a similar arrangement for my baby. I haven’t asked outright, and she hasn’t offered. What’s hurting me most is the acknowledgement- if my mum can’t offer the same to my baby as she’s committed to my nephews arrangement and can’t see herself doing more, fine, but an acknowledgment of this would go a long way. It also feels like double standards that she rants about the negatives of nursery for my nephew but there has been no mention of this for my baby.

The thing is, my mum is brilliant with my nephew and clearly loves it, but it does tire her out. She often seems irritable afterwards and has been ill more, but won’t acknowledge it’s a lot and insists she wants to do it and takes it personally when I mention how it’s a lot for her especially when I make a joke of a bad mood she may be in after a tough couple of toddler tantrum days.

My sister and her husband accept the help (understandably as it saves them a lot), but also put up with the moods and comments. I am also hurt that they haven’t mentioned the disparity either to me or I don’t think my mum.

My husband says my mum and sister are similar and live more in the moment so may not have even occurred to them that even though it’s a year away arrangements have to be made now and they aren’t thinking about it. I see that but don’t accept this as surely it’s pretty obvious, when I was pregnant but now the baby is here.

I’m reluctant to ask my mum directly because I don’t want any sense of obligation or guilt for either of us. I also see how tiring it is for her and couldn’t bear the guilt knowing it was my baby doing this and it hadn’t just been her choice. But equally I wonder if she assumes I don’t need help because I’m seen as the “capable” one and then I’ve been clear I value nursery for socialisation and that I do want to go back to work.

I think what’s bothering me most is the inconsistency. She was so adamant about nursery negatives with my nephew, yet hasn’t said anything similar to me about my child. And longer term, it feels a bit unfair that my child may be in nursery 4 days a week while my nephew (if this continues) only does 3 who will be 2 years older, plus there’s a significant financial difference for us vs my sister.

I fully appreciate no one owes me childcare, and we’ve made plans we can afford — but I can’t shake the feeling of it being a bit unequal.

AIBU to feel hurt by this, or am I overthinking it?

I think OP would feel less hurt if her DM had said ‘I would love to give you the same level of support with your DC when you return to work but I’m struggling with the commitments I already have and can’t change until DGC1 goes to school’.
That acknowledge would change everything. OP would feel important and not second best and would be reassured if the grandmother was younger and fitter she also would get some support even if it was slightly less time.

I very much doubt that the people who expect free childcare as a right from their sick and elderly mothers are the type of people who would ever consider providing any elderly care anyway.

But OP said her dad died. Umm. And her inlaws live hours away.

The offer to do childcare for the sister came from OP's mom. The mom initiated it. I think it's odd that she hasn't made the same offer to OP given her negative views on nursery and while it's likely best she's not involved in caring for OP's child, there's a reason for that lack of offer. I think OP doesn't want to speak about the elephant in the room, and that would be favoritism. The mom could acknowledge that she's getting past childcare. But she's still doing it for one.

There's a disparity in how she treats her children and grandchildren. She's willing for OP's kid to endure all those negatives she gripes about. That's got to hurt some.

It's a year away, so maybe the mum hasn't got around to it?

Realistically she wouldn't expect the grandfathers on each side to be providing childcare even if they were around. It is the older women who get criticised generally not the men.

I am not sure why OP is so confused her mum has not offered:

my mum is brilliant with my nephew and clearly loves it, but it does tire her out. She often seems irritable afterwards and has been ill more

But OP is choosing to focus that the offer has not been made regarding childcare.

My mum has very strong views that nursery isn’t right for young children and has always blamed any illness or toddler behaviour on it 🙄. Both my sister and I have pushed back on this (especially when she suggests my sister should stop working), but those views have remained based on nothing but her opinion.

She is criticising her DM then saying she getting upset because she did not offer childcare.

Can you talk to her about whether she'd be prepared to do the odd sick day/nursery training day/some days in school holidays later? (It can be hard to find school holiday care for 4 year olds). That could potentially really help you out!

Im not saying I want the childcare those days or my sister not to have them, but some other offer or acknowledgement from my mum as my child’s DGM!

Maybe she can’t think of an equivalent - I don’t think you have thought of one (and I’m not saying that I could think of one!)

And a caring, not selfish DD hearing that her mother is struggling would then say, "You know Mum, don't worry about it. I will sort something else for childcare with nursery." And not feel resentful.

If I were the grandmothers friend sitting down for coffee with her, I will tell her, "Why don't you just tell them all you've given it a go and found it doesn't work for you? Tell them you're too tired and it's hurting your health. They should understand. If they don't, then that's on them. One day they will."

It takes a special kind of selfish to see or know your mother is struggling (or be told if you didn't know) and then expect her to do it anyway. Your mothers are just as important as you.

OP has said her mother initiated it much closer to the sister's return to work date. Hers is still a year away. I wouldn't be initiating anything at that point either. If OP wants to do so earlier, she needs to initiate the conversation herself. But she'd rather sit around feeling butt hurt than simply have a conversation.

Ops sister hadn’t repeatedly told her mum that caring for grandkids is too much for her, which is very relevant context. Why would a grandma serve herself up on a platter for more criticism from her eldest daughter by offering to look after her baby too?

Despite people saying it, often the first post doesn't nail it. In this case it has, thank you for such a level headed response

I have just read through all of OP's posts and I can't find the bit where she's repeatedly told her mother the current childcare is too much for her and criticised her for it. The closest I've found is her joking about her mum being in a worse mood after a couple of days of toddler tantrums.

Can you quote the relevant post? I must have missed it.

She did mention somewhere where she says to her mother that it's too much for her, even though she enjoys it, and her mother seems irritable and grumpy. I thought I'd be irritable and grumpy too if I was enjoying something and finding it fine and someone was telling me it was too much for me. Like I'm past it, or something. I'm not going to search for it though.

Wouldn't most people think it's easier for the grandmother to continue caring for a four year old she's already being looking after for a couple of years than to swap back to caring for a 1 year old?

The ridiculous thing here is that the mum made the offer to her sister a few months before she returned to work. The OP has a newborn and because her mum hasn't offered yet she's constructed this entire unfairness scenario in her head.

Exactly. The situations are not the same yet. She's just given birth. The offer for the sister came later. This situation is all in OP's head. And she's not willing to do a thing to resolve it by just talking to her mother.

To be fair to my father he works 6 days a week. I’ve never expected regular childcare from them to be honest, but I’ve also been denied help in an emergency such as the day we moved house or when I’ve had a hospital appt (thankful for kind nurses who held baby whilst I had an internal investigation) or when I was having DC2. DM is heavily invested in her other grandchild but not mine, I suspect because I have boys not girls. My sons are believed to be boisterous and naughty which couldn’t be further from the truth.

its not about punishing for no childcare, its about the level of interest in getting to know them, she will not invest her time in them so why will I invest my time with her. Favouritism, no matter what the cause’ hurts and OP is allowed to be upset about this. Like I said earlier, acknowledgment of this from the grandmother would really help OP no matter what the grandmothers decision.

That's understandable. Moving house and doctor appointments aren't really emergencies, I've done all those with multiple kids in tow and never thought it was an occasion to ask for help, but having a baby is definitely one where you think GPs would step up unless there are really extenuating circumstances in their own lives.

I really don’t think you’re being unreasonable, and whilst I agree with the concept of communicating openly when you’re worried about something (like this), I also think it important to acknowledge that it is not rocket science for your mum and sister to anticipate how you might be feeling / that you are going to need to consider childcare. The idea put forward that you can’t be disappointed because you’ve not raised it / your mum might not have thought about it yet is unfair to you. IMO you shouldn’t have to raise it, it’s bloody obvious to everyone in the situation and nobody else is mentioning it because it’s easier for them not to.

As you say, you are not expecting free childcare but you’re not expecting too much hoping for at least an acknowledgment of ‘I know I care for your nephew but I can’t offer the same’ sort of conversation.

My mum and MIL both raised while I was pregnant (without any prompt from me might I add, I was not expecting anything!) - one to say she wouldn’t be helping and one to say she’d like to if we wanted her to!

OK, I think I've found it in the OP - where OP
says she mentions to her mum that "it's a lot for her" and that she often seems irritable after the childcare (not the comment).

Which rather puts the PP's statements closer to creative writing rather than inference, if that paragraph is what it's based on.

Yes at the moment I could look after 2 children although at the moment that is not an issue. Obviously if that changed I would need to have a conversation with my dc about any changes.

if I became ill enough not to be able to offer a days care I would have a conversation with both dcs about the way forward - perhaps offering to pay towards an extra day at nursery.

It's occurred to her. And she's realised that she can't physically do it. Funny how she got a lot less vocal on the evils of nurseries once she was faced with the prospect of caring for your child too. She's living in fear of you asking her.

Let her off the hook. Maybe she really thought it wouldn't be a problem; it took a bit of time caring for your sister's child for her to realise she was wrong. There's a reason women her age don't get pregnant - it's too tiring. Sort the nursery, and try not to let resentment poison your family relationships. Try to find the positives; there's a lot to be said for not being beholden, especially to someone who is often critical of your choices.

If it makes you feel any better, maybe make up your mind that when the time comes, dsis can do the bulk of the elderly care.

You'll never know unless you have the conversation will you?

It doesn't have to be blamey or confrontational.

At least you've got nursery sorted which is a better position than a family childcare arrangement that falls through or is at the price of a lot of negativity of whatever kind, and then not being able to get the extra nursery day(s).