AIBU to feel a bit hurt about childcare differences between grandchildren?

[OneLovingMoose]

Ive just had a baby and we’ve already had to confirm nursery. I’ve arranged 4 days a week when I go back (using a mix of annual leave and flexible working for the first 10 months, then we’ll reassess). My husband does contract work so can’t commit a day but will do pick ups/drops off around his contracts. I am very much of the opinion that it’s our responsibility to arrange childcare and whilst I would accept help I am not going to expect this or put this onto others - it’s theirs to offer as it’s a lot!

Here’s where I’m struggling a bit…

My sister had a baby 2 years ago and my mum looks after my nephew 2 days a week, with nursery the other 3. This was an arrangement she offered when my sister went back to work 2 days a week after Easter. As she’s a teacher this meant she didn’t have to arrange nursery until September. My sister then went back 5 days a week from the September and my mum continued to look after my nephew 2 days with him in nursery the other 3.

My mum has very strong views that nursery isn’t right for young children and has always blamed any illness or toddler behaviour on it 🙄. Both my sister and I have pushed back on this (especially when she suggests my sister should stop working), but those views have remained based on nothing but her opinion. When I say to her I think my nephew has a good balance of 2 days with her and 3 in nursery (8.15-4pm) she snaps that’s he’s too young to be in 3 full days Q (he’s 2 next month).

What’s confusing/hurtful is that there’s been no mention of a similar arrangement for my baby. I haven’t asked outright, and she hasn’t offered. What’s hurting me most is the acknowledgement- if my mum can’t offer the same to my baby as she’s committed to my nephews arrangement and can’t see herself doing more, fine, but an acknowledgment of this would go a long way. It also feels like double standards that she rants about the negatives of nursery for my nephew but there has been no mention of this for my baby.

The thing is, my mum is brilliant with my nephew and clearly loves it, but it does tire her out. She often seems irritable afterwards and has been ill more, but won’t acknowledge it’s a lot and insists she wants to do it and takes it personally when I mention how it’s a lot for her especially when I make a joke of a bad mood she may be in after a tough couple of toddler tantrum days.

My sister and her husband accept the help (understandably as it saves them a lot), but also put up with the moods and comments. I am also hurt that they haven’t mentioned the disparity either to me or I don’t think my mum.

My husband says my mum and sister are similar and live more in the moment so may not have even occurred to them that even though it’s a year away arrangements have to be made now and they aren’t thinking about it. I see that but don’t accept this as surely it’s pretty obvious, when I was pregnant but now the baby is here.

I’m reluctant to ask my mum directly because I don’t want any sense of obligation or guilt for either of us. I also see how tiring it is for her and couldn’t bear the guilt knowing it was my baby doing this and it hadn’t just been her choice. But equally I wonder if she assumes I don’t need help because I’m seen as the “capable” one and then I’ve been clear I value nursery for socialisation and that I do want to go back to work.

I think what’s bothering me most is the inconsistency. She was so adamant about nursery negatives with my nephew, yet hasn’t said anything similar to me about my child. And longer term, it feels a bit unfair that my child may be in nursery 4 days a week while my nephew (if this continues) only does 3 who will be 2 years older, plus there’s a significant financial difference for us vs my sister.

I fully appreciate no one owes me childcare, and we’ve made plans we can afford — but I can’t shake the feeling of it being a bit unequal.

AIBU to feel hurt by this, or am I overthinking it?

Maybe ask mom to do a date night every couple of weeks. Sister needs to pay a sitter for her date nights so mom is not over imposed on. Talk to sister about this. Tell her you need your child to have bonding time with her grandparent but don't think mom should be overloaded by childcare obligations therefore she should not ask mom to cover date nights in addition to what she already does.

Don’t do this, if you are going to talk to anyone it should be your DM,

I would just ask her to do the odd Saturday or Sunday so you and hubby could have some time to yourselves, doesn’t have to be every week, maybe once a month or something ? Nephew will soon be in school then she may offer some more time to you through the week.

Wow, healthy communication at work. Well done. It seems to be rare around here.

It’s def unfair doing it for one child and not the other

think of it as money. They are saving them maybe £100 a day so if full time a possible £2k a month

I know in this situation it’s 2 days and not full time

but you wouldn’t give one child £25k a year and the other one nothing

even 2 days at £100 is £800 ish a month and just under £10k they are possibly saving on fees

equallg I’ve always said I don’t feel grandparents should do continual childcare of grandkids

they spend their life bringing up their kids and then when trying to relax and retire they suddenly are looking after their kids kids

I totally get you OP.

My MIL offers wrap around care for my SIL's child. My SIL will go away every other weekend or just out for dinner on demand and my MIL will babysit for her. When my MIL is not available on her regular days, my MIL pays for a nanny to babysit and do some chores for SIL.

Meanwhile we receive no help babysitting and when we made a comment that we haven't been out on a date in a while during a regular family chat, my MIL told me and my husband to hire a nanny for ourselves (self funded). We were fumming! If she pays for SIL's nanny because my MIL is unavailable, she should offer the same for us in my view.

There's no family beef as such, it's only a matter of my SIL being the golden child and her child is the golden grandchild.

Going to offer no childcare for either DC and just chuck some money to both.

Seems best way to avoid all thus seething resentment and having to provide childcare for multiple children when I am 80.

I think relying on relatives often backfires for various reasons. Either they have different ideas on how to raise the child and do things the parents dislike, or they start to resent looking after the child and the relationship becomes fractured and embittered. I’d rather pay than deal with the hassle.

It’s possible she’s not even thought about it, it’s also possible that she doesn’t want to take on anymore childcare duties? I’ve not read all your replies but would it mean looking after the two children at once? Maybe it would be too much for her

Of course dads also play a part before anyone jumps down on me!

You have just added that at the end while focusing exclusively on the women in this situation. The OP has a DH, the sister has a DH too I assume. Are there two potential FILs in this situation or do they get off scot free as usual while the women tie themselves up in knots trying to work out childcare?

Even when older women do help with childcare they still get the blame that they are not doing enough.

As usual, complete silence about the men in the situation. Just focusing on the MIL.

Cue the FIL is dead, ill, has BIG job.

She has to keep looking after all the DC to be fair. She needs to drive herself into the ground. Only then will OP be happy. Meanwhile men don't get involved.

Yes older women should be at your beck and call for childcare.

You are upset at MIL and SIL. Are all the men dead in the family?

It is unfair?

my mum is brilliant with my nephew and clearly loves it, but it does tire her out. She often seems irritable afterwards and has been ill more

So OP's mum has to keep providing more childcare regardless of what effect it has on her to be fair?

As usual no one expects this of men.

I agree, when the OP and her DSis have one more DC each she should look after them eight days a week. It’s all about the DGM and DGC bond which is impossible to get unless free childcare is involved. At no point must DF’s or DGF’s step up.

I was in a similar position, my son has never been looked after by my parents. They took him to the cinema a couple of times but nothing else. They were heavily involved in my nieces’ care. Took them on holidays, looked after them for days at a time. This continued into their teens. Anyway, what I wanted to say is that my son loves his grandparents just as much as my nieces do. He would say he has a great relationship with them (and his cousins who he adores, and they him). It is a different relationship he has with my parents, but I don’t think it’s worse. It’s fine. He feels loved and he loves them. I wouldn’t worry too much about that.

I note that the majority think the OP is not unreasonable to feel that she is being unfairly treated by her DM who has not offered her childcare as yet (although it is still a year away and the OP has not raised it with her). I also note that the OP feels that the term-time only childcare DM provides for her sister is too much for her and that she is often unwell with bugs caught from her DGC. Nonetheless, she should already be offering future, year round, childcare to the OP when she will be another year older than she is now, in the interests of fairness.

Views differ on whether she should be taking charge of the one year old and the three year old simultaneously and catering to their different needs; no longer caring for the older child and replacing him with the newer child; or whether she should devote most of her remaining week days (plus the school holidays, which she previously had off) to care for them on different days. And any subsequent grandchildren?

I see lots of posts on here bemoaning DMs and DMILs who don't help with childcare despite being 'fit and active', with the usual response that if they don't help with childcare then, should they need help as they age, they can be told no.

So genuinely curious:
If a woman is a reasonably healthy sixty something (likely late sixties now if retired) and is able to do so, should she agree to provide regular childcare to her first grandchild? If she does so, is there then an implied contract that she will do the same for any potential future grandchildren so that the commitment grows even as she ages? Or should she refuse on the grounds of potential future fairness, even though she can't know for certain that there will be any future grandchildren?

If a woman (or man) is able and willing to look after a gc (not pressured or emotionally blackmailed), then she can do so on her terms. That doesn't mean she has to do the same for subsequent gc. Life, health and situations change. As each new gc comes along, the person providing the care evaluates their capability and the situation as it stands at the time, and makes a decision about whether it works for them according to the current situation. It is not unfair that life changes and evolves and her decisions and ability/willingness change around it. Just the luck of the draw.

She should do whatever she likes. She doesn’t exist as a support human for her adult children.

I totally agree - just noting that the voting split suggests this is not a majority view and wondering how those who think the DM is unfair think.

A classic example of how things change: I offered to watch GC (who didn't come about, it was just a conversation) and help out for a child who was married and thinking about things. I did warn them at the time that things can change and the child was ultimately their responsibility, so don't count on anything I was saying indefinitely. My health can change, what if I died, etc. They need to make the decision based on their own resources, but this is how I felt at the time about what I could give in that moment.

FF a few years, I have an adult child living at home who has developed some major health concerns. They are now immune compromised. This means the unanticipated change I spoke of hypothetically has come about. I didn't see that coming at all. Young kids get sick a lot. I can't help unless the child is healthy at the time, because my own adult child needs help and support, and it's too risky for me to be around a knowingly sick young child. That capacity to care and help has reduced. I didn't expect that. My own child's health (and that of other people with medical needs living in my household) comes first.

If I'd helped with one before this happened then had to change what I can do for a second, it's not unfair. It's life. Life happens. Change happens. We need to adapt according to situations at the time.

I’d say similar - my kids are secure, they got enough attention and love from dh and I - they don’t begrudge or complain about what didn’t occur with their grandparents- it’s a non event.

Absolutely this!

I’ve also had five and in my early fifties. I’m completely knackered. I’d struggle to look after a cat these days, never mind a toddler!

Same