AIBU to feel a bit hurt about childcare differences between grandchildren?

[OneLovingMoose]

Ive just had a baby and we’ve already had to confirm nursery. I’ve arranged 4 days a week when I go back (using a mix of annual leave and flexible working for the first 10 months, then we’ll reassess). My husband does contract work so can’t commit a day but will do pick ups/drops off around his contracts. I am very much of the opinion that it’s our responsibility to arrange childcare and whilst I would accept help I am not going to expect this or put this onto others - it’s theirs to offer as it’s a lot!

Here’s where I’m struggling a bit…

My sister had a baby 2 years ago and my mum looks after my nephew 2 days a week, with nursery the other 3. This was an arrangement she offered when my sister went back to work 2 days a week after Easter. As she’s a teacher this meant she didn’t have to arrange nursery until September. My sister then went back 5 days a week from the September and my mum continued to look after my nephew 2 days with him in nursery the other 3.

My mum has very strong views that nursery isn’t right for young children and has always blamed any illness or toddler behaviour on it 🙄. Both my sister and I have pushed back on this (especially when she suggests my sister should stop working), but those views have remained based on nothing but her opinion. When I say to her I think my nephew has a good balance of 2 days with her and 3 in nursery (8.15-4pm) she snaps that’s he’s too young to be in 3 full days Q (he’s 2 next month).

What’s confusing/hurtful is that there’s been no mention of a similar arrangement for my baby. I haven’t asked outright, and she hasn’t offered. What’s hurting me most is the acknowledgement- if my mum can’t offer the same to my baby as she’s committed to my nephews arrangement and can’t see herself doing more, fine, but an acknowledgment of this would go a long way. It also feels like double standards that she rants about the negatives of nursery for my nephew but there has been no mention of this for my baby.

The thing is, my mum is brilliant with my nephew and clearly loves it, but it does tire her out. She often seems irritable afterwards and has been ill more, but won’t acknowledge it’s a lot and insists she wants to do it and takes it personally when I mention how it’s a lot for her especially when I make a joke of a bad mood she may be in after a tough couple of toddler tantrum days.

My sister and her husband accept the help (understandably as it saves them a lot), but also put up with the moods and comments. I am also hurt that they haven’t mentioned the disparity either to me or I don’t think my mum.

My husband says my mum and sister are similar and live more in the moment so may not have even occurred to them that even though it’s a year away arrangements have to be made now and they aren’t thinking about it. I see that but don’t accept this as surely it’s pretty obvious, when I was pregnant but now the baby is here.

I’m reluctant to ask my mum directly because I don’t want any sense of obligation or guilt for either of us. I also see how tiring it is for her and couldn’t bear the guilt knowing it was my baby doing this and it hadn’t just been her choice. But equally I wonder if she assumes I don’t need help because I’m seen as the “capable” one and then I’ve been clear I value nursery for socialisation and that I do want to go back to work.

I think what’s bothering me most is the inconsistency. She was so adamant about nursery negatives with my nephew, yet hasn’t said anything similar to me about my child. And longer term, it feels a bit unfair that my child may be in nursery 4 days a week while my nephew (if this continues) only does 3 who will be 2 years older, plus there’s a significant financial difference for us vs my sister.

I fully appreciate no one owes me childcare, and we’ve made plans we can afford — but I can’t shake the feeling of it being a bit unequal.

AIBU to feel hurt by this, or am I overthinking it?

That. Just a casual conversation.

If your mum is set on continuing with the other GC and not yours, another conversation needs to be had about how you'd like your child to have the same one to one loving relationship with her as their cousin does, and how you and your mum can facilitate that

I don't think this will have occured to your mum yet to be honest.
Just drop into conversation you're looking at nursery places now as the wait lists are so long.

My mum was gobsmacked I had to apply for a nursery place before my baby was born to secure a place when I went back to work (& I took a full year plus annual leave off)! It just wasn't like that for them.

Also had a similar conversation at work recently as one of the ladies expecting is about to go off on maternity leave and we were talking about plans for her first few days leave and she said she'd booked in visiting nurseries so they can get on the list! Most of the team who did not have young kids were surprised.

Just apply for the most hours could need and then talk to your mum closer to the time and you can always reduce the hours you request at nursery as long as you give notice (usually 30 days)

@Changename12
You write 'You are responsible for the children you bring up. You are not responsible for your parents. If they don’t treat you well you can ignore them.'
Sadly, the same is true going up the generations. If grandparents are deliberately kept at arm's length from one set of grandchildren and welcomed into the other set of grandchildren. The grandparents are bound to be closer and more involved in the ones they see regularly. I know so many paternal grandparents sidelined in favour of the maternal grandparents. I see it all the time on Mumsnet. What is your advice ? If they dont treat you well, you can ignore them. There is no law except for human nature.

Most mothers do not stop at one. My point is that the OP's mother has cared for her grandson for three years and now the OP wants the same in the name of fairness . Then in the name of 'fairness , more grandchildren will arrive who need care and bang goes the grandmother's retirement

This exactly. I'm in this exact position. I did it for one and I really don't know how many more there might be. I can't go on doing this for every child that's born.
It's actually making me anxious as to how it will go when I have to say I can't do it. I might do as OP's mother and say nothing until it has to be spelled out.
It's quite upsetting for any grandmother as well, having to say no when you really want to be able to do it.

We had to book nursery places wrll in advance (when I was pregnant with my second which felt crazy!) but we just booked for all 5 days and then reduced that down closer to the time when we knew what days we’d actually need. Most Nurserys need 30 days notice to change

Firstly babies / kids do pick up an abundance of illness from nursery, so expect to get constant calls and days off in the first year.

Secondly, I do see why you’re a little hurt, but I imagine your mum is thinking how does she handle this. I imagine she doesn’t want to, nor should, spend 4 days caring for babies and toddlers when she’s nearing 70. Personally, i’d be more comfortable paying a nursery than a pensioner being in sole care of my child (and maybe that’s a little unfair, but i’m slowing down at 50, can’t imagine how tough it must be at nearly 70 doing full days childcare. In my experience, it’s far easier to pay for childcare than have family members do it.

Your sister really should consider increasing her son’s nursery to allow your mum to at least do one day looking after your child. I don’t know what the answer is but please don’t have her spending 4 days a week caring for such young children. She should be enjoying some downtime too. Maybe speak to your sister about it.

Unfortunately this is often the way, and grandparent childcare goes to the eldest grandchild leaving less room in their lives for any subsequent grandchildren. My eldest’s cousin is only 8 months older than him and yet her relationship with their grandparents is totally different (closer) than his is. My MIL has always helped loads with our nieces and barely offered any help at all for our children, and as a result they are much closer to them. Now they are all older they even give the girls more pocket money for school trips and try to justify it in various ways, but it does not go unnoticed by our boys. When MIL and FIL visit us they even spend almost the whole time talking about the boys cousins, it’s so sad. And before anyone says maybe the boys are harder work than the girls, think again. Our eldest niece is a nightmare, rude, badly behaved and social media obsessed. Whereas our boys are pretty polite, happy to chat to their grandparents and don’t even have social media.

I think it’s a difficult situation. I mean, when does it stop? If you or your sister have more children, is she expected to step up for all of them to make it fair? Maybe when she took on your sisters child she thought it would be easier than what it is, but as your dms getting older, she might now realise it’s tougher than what she thought, and the thought of taking on the care of another child will be just too much. I have a dgd, 2 years old, who I look after overnight once a month. I’m only mid 50s, but find it absolutely exhausting.

Sorry if you got offended I lived in between 2 teachers they seemed to be off work endlessly and always home before 5, as a grandmother 13 weeks of time off from childcare is a gift. Teachers are very touchy😁

@YeaVerilyyou shouldn't feel obliged to mind all your grandchildren, however many you get. Certainly not if it's causing you anxiety. Maybe it would help to limit any offers to the first baby from each of your children, to give new parents a head start on the whole childcare cycle and to feel as though you've done something for each of your dc. But only if you are up to it health wise. It doesn't have to be for years at a time or full time. And obviously if there are massive age gaps and you feel too old/unwell, then just explain that. I think the issues largely come about when people ignore a situation and hope it resolves itself, but instead it sometimes leaves children mistakenly feeling that their sibling is cared for more.

The op has been vocal about her mother being moody and irritable, has gone on about how positive she feels about nurseries and has been disapproving about the sister and BIL using the mother.

It's hardly surprising her mum hasn't volunteered to mind her baby.

You must be happy with the nursery to have chosen it and you’re fortunate to be able to work four days a week so concentrate on this and enjoy your new baby. What your DM does is out of your control.

Unless you actually ask you won’t know

obv term time only if very different from every week

if she did 2 days for you would they be the same days so she has nearly 3yr an baby (tho also how long are you having off ) will your baby be almost 1 and possibly walking - mini blondes was before she was 1

or 2 separate days so that’s 4days looking after kids

in an ideal world one day each and a day together so only 3 days

In an ideal world for who and what happens if the OP and her DSis have a couple more DC each?

Not sure if I've got the ages right but wondering if it'll work out for your mum to have a nephew or two the same day you're not working so you can join up on some of the days. Two grown ups to two or three tiny people is a better ratio than one grown up to one toddler. If that works your mum gets to spend time with your child without doing more childcare and you get to see your nephews.

I think a lot might change over the year you're on maternity leave and it's a bit early for people other than you (because of nursery requirements) to be doing detailed planning.

I think it’s too soon to be thinking of nursery this close to the baby arriving. Who knows how you will feel in 1 year or 10 months time? You may not want to go back after that time. You haven’t even really properly started your maternity leave yet! When my babies were first born I was so sleep deprived making decisions like this was the last thing on my mind.

I think that’s why it’s best to if you want to offer purely do one day a week and set an age limit.

Because it really does come across as favourable to one adult child over the other and does hurt feelings.

If ops mum can watch a child and the sister has had childcare for years and the op gets nothing of course it hurts and it does affect the children and granny relationship. The one she’s always with she will know better have a better connection and all those little memories.

Agree. Some of the stories that grandparents have shared here of how used they are are so very sad and wrong. I hope any grandparents in that situation will say enough!

What I did for childcare - I looked after my own kids full time. I didn't have anyone to do it for me, I didn't have anyone to give me a break. No grandparents or other family. Paid care for three preschoolers? Not worth it.

I don't mind the idea of looking after hypothetical grandchildren at this time, but it will be only 1-2 days a week, on days that work for me and around my activities, and all grandkids are welcome to be checked into my home together on those offered days. Be that one child, be that five grandchildren, those are the days I'm willing and able. And if I'm going on the occasional holiday, their parents better have a plan B lined up.

When she first offered she didn’t know what she was in for.

My DH has point out blank refused to do any childcare even though he’s retired and could do

however the other grandparent is doing 2 days and has done for the past 2 years
Now they are having baby no 2 and didn’t even bother asking if they would be happy to carry on being child care for baby no 2 they just assumed that they would

grandparents have refused to look after baby no 2 and has been called selfish and all sorts

I wasn't offended. I was just bemused by your assertion. You had children at over time. Surely you don't think schools are only open to pupils for 40% of the year?

I think many grandparents end up this way.
The novelty and the wish to help, leads them to offer childcare when the first grandchild arrives. Then before you know it, there's an assumption that they will do it for any future ones, when they have no control of how many children their kids end up producing.
And of course if they say no at any point (and again, with every year older they get, it gets harder) all hell breaks loose.

But would your childcare needs be term time? Theres a big difference between what 38 weeks a year to 52 weeks

I think rather than looking at the difference of treatment between sisters / grandchildren, look at the difference in circumstance! Babysitting term time is a huge plus, and knowing she has those weeks off to recharge or do her own thing.

My sister's childcare is pay for the day you attend whereas mine is pay a weekly fee regardless of what's attended, therefore my parents often take my sister's kids on a random day to help her out. I dont feel like it's differential treatment between us or the grandkids, just different circumstances!

If you have been so adamant that you think nurseries are fine, she might not feel like the circumstances are the same. Your sister may have passed comment in the past about wishing she didn't have to use nurseries (as I have even though I thoroughly love our nursery)!

Have you actually spoken to your Mom about this? Sounds like lack of communication to me.

I was first to have a child in my family and I asked my Mom when I was pregnant if she was able to look after DS when I returned to work, this is because I am a planner and wanted to know how life would be when I returned to work.
My DB is completely different and didn't specifically ask my mom, I think he kind of expected it as she had provided childcare for me, of course she said yes but she was very much in limbo as they hadn’t had the conversation like I did.