AIBU to feel a bit hurt about childcare differences between grandchildren?

[OneLovingMoose]

Ive just had a baby and we’ve already had to confirm nursery. I’ve arranged 4 days a week when I go back (using a mix of annual leave and flexible working for the first 10 months, then we’ll reassess). My husband does contract work so can’t commit a day but will do pick ups/drops off around his contracts. I am very much of the opinion that it’s our responsibility to arrange childcare and whilst I would accept help I am not going to expect this or put this onto others - it’s theirs to offer as it’s a lot!

Here’s where I’m struggling a bit…

My sister had a baby 2 years ago and my mum looks after my nephew 2 days a week, with nursery the other 3. This was an arrangement she offered when my sister went back to work 2 days a week after Easter. As she’s a teacher this meant she didn’t have to arrange nursery until September. My sister then went back 5 days a week from the September and my mum continued to look after my nephew 2 days with him in nursery the other 3.

My mum has very strong views that nursery isn’t right for young children and has always blamed any illness or toddler behaviour on it 🙄. Both my sister and I have pushed back on this (especially when she suggests my sister should stop working), but those views have remained based on nothing but her opinion. When I say to her I think my nephew has a good balance of 2 days with her and 3 in nursery (8.15-4pm) she snaps that’s he’s too young to be in 3 full days Q (he’s 2 next month).

What’s confusing/hurtful is that there’s been no mention of a similar arrangement for my baby. I haven’t asked outright, and she hasn’t offered. What’s hurting me most is the acknowledgement- if my mum can’t offer the same to my baby as she’s committed to my nephews arrangement and can’t see herself doing more, fine, but an acknowledgment of this would go a long way. It also feels like double standards that she rants about the negatives of nursery for my nephew but there has been no mention of this for my baby.

The thing is, my mum is brilliant with my nephew and clearly loves it, but it does tire her out. She often seems irritable afterwards and has been ill more, but won’t acknowledge it’s a lot and insists she wants to do it and takes it personally when I mention how it’s a lot for her especially when I make a joke of a bad mood she may be in after a tough couple of toddler tantrum days.

My sister and her husband accept the help (understandably as it saves them a lot), but also put up with the moods and comments. I am also hurt that they haven’t mentioned the disparity either to me or I don’t think my mum.

My husband says my mum and sister are similar and live more in the moment so may not have even occurred to them that even though it’s a year away arrangements have to be made now and they aren’t thinking about it. I see that but don’t accept this as surely it’s pretty obvious, when I was pregnant but now the baby is here.

I’m reluctant to ask my mum directly because I don’t want any sense of obligation or guilt for either of us. I also see how tiring it is for her and couldn’t bear the guilt knowing it was my baby doing this and it hadn’t just been her choice. But equally I wonder if she assumes I don’t need help because I’m seen as the “capable” one and then I’ve been clear I value nursery for socialisation and that I do want to go back to work.

I think what’s bothering me most is the inconsistency. She was so adamant about nursery negatives with my nephew, yet hasn’t said anything similar to me about my child. And longer term, it feels a bit unfair that my child may be in nursery 4 days a week while my nephew (if this continues) only does 3 who will be 2 years older, plus there’s a significant financial difference for us vs my sister.

I fully appreciate no one owes me childcare, and we’ve made plans we can afford — but I can’t shake the feeling of it being a bit unequal.

AIBU to feel hurt by this, or am I overthinking it?

YABU The rule is whichever sibling pops out the first child they get first dibs on free childcare from granny. Sadly Granny will only have limited energy and cannot offer the same to the next sibling who has a grandchild. I've seen it happen time and again with sisters assuming their mother will look after ALL THE CHILDREN equally - just not possible!

FIL offers to look after the kids on an ad hoc basis as he is still working full time. Because there's no favouritism at play my comment is directed at my MIL.

So taking him out of the picture, are you suggesting that if you have 2 children it is fair to pay for a nanny to help out one of your child and not the other? Personally unless there's a medical reason I would not.

A granny is not a nanny! She ages and gets tired.

Finally, some one said this! All the opprobium is aimed at the mother, yet no one is asking if there is a father on the scene to help out.

Honestly, this all sounds like a lot of people having got themselves into entrenched positions.

Your mother having been so vocal about nurseries, can't suggest that her oldest grandchild has more time in nursery to stop her being so tired.

You've always argued/pushed back at your mum about nurseries and then told her that you have sorted nursery, she may well think that this is what you want (or just be knackered as above).

If you are going to seethe about it, then just ask your mum if it's possible that she could offer some childcare - even if that is only 1 day per child so that she maybe gets the same type of relationship with your child as the first child. If it really isn't going to bother you that much, then leave it, although worth asking if she'd be able to help in emergencies.

Poor Granny

If only the men stepped up then maybe poor granny wouldn't be struggling.

FIL doing ad hoc - see how much easier it is for the men?

Maybe the MIL has her own reasons. Maybe there are factors at play that you do not know about. But yes it is the nasty MIL and SIL while FIL offers to do ad hoc care here and there and no one expects any more from him.

even if that is only 1 day per child so that she maybe gets the same type of relationship with your child as the first child.

So the OP's mum needs to step up and offer more childcare even though she is struggling, tired and ill more often? Because being fair to her daughters is more important than her own health and energy levels 🙄

I think many people would have zero issue with the idea that a parent says their days of coping with babies/toddlers are behind them
but would feel hurt if a parent had the time/energy to provide regular care two days a week max and used all of it to care exclusively for one grandchild.

It’s a bit like if your parent died and left no one any money it wouldn’t feel the same as if they died and left your sibling £100k and you nothing. Regardless of why they actually did it most people would experience that as a kind of rejection or measure of how their parent valued them relative to a sibling,

my mum is brilliant with my nephew and clearly loves it, but it does tire her out. She often seems irritable afterwards and has been ill more

So OP's mum needs to keep doing more childcare as not to show favouritism. Her energy levels and health do not matter.

No

She needs to say I’m not up to regular childcare anymore and stop doing it at all

Alternatively if she feels up to, for example, a day a week in term time but that’s her limit she should ideally say “actually that means I can maybe do a weekday or a weekend day once every month or so for each child to help out and spend time with the grandkids”

What I think is objectionable to the OP (& would be to many) is to say I will continue spending 2 days a week providing childcare for child one and spend all that time with grandchild one but that uses all my energy so child/grandchild 2 gets nothing. It is the disparity right now that causes the most upset. Saying I did it in past for 1 but lack the ability/energy 2-3 years later to do it again isn’t the same as doing it for one child and not the other at the same time.

The point I think OP is making is she experiences the lack of any kind of offer from her mom about childcare as favouritism.

And it is. Older sister has gotten child are that has saved her a ton of money. OP won't get that. She sees her mom is having some difficulty now with the amount of childcare she's doing. She's not demanding the same childcare. She feels put out because her mom was a hypocrite trashing nursery for years, providing some childcare for one of her grandkids, but OP's been left out of that and is rightfully making her own arrangements. Her mom will probably criticize OP for using nursery while providing care for one grandchild and not hers. If I was OP, I'd stop that the second she starts in. She can't afford not to use nursery.

But the OP's mum has not said she wont help with childcare; she just hasn't raised it just after the birth and a year before the OP returns to work. And the OP hasn't raised it either.
And, in addition, the OP has been telling her Mum about the benefits of nursery and has raised concerns about whether her Mum should be looking after her nephew. So the Mum probably assumes any offer of childcare would be unwelcome.
Next post: I've made it clear to my Mum that I don't approve of family childcare and want my child to go to nursery. Yet a whole year before my MAT leave ends, she is already asking me to let her look after my child when I return to work. Given she knows my views, I feel this is overstepping and undermining me as a new parent because she has old fashioned views about nurseries not being ideal for young children.

It’s not ‘favouritism’ at all. Her sister’s child existed long before the OP’s. Her mother made on offer for a certain amount of childcare based on what she wanted and felt able for at the time. No stipulations were made about offering equal availability for subsequent children, whether they’re the OP’s or her sister’s.

What her mother thinks about non-family childcare is a totally separate issue.

We are in a similar situation, my sister has never paid for any childcare, niece is now 7. They childminded for the pre school years and now do school pick ups for her too. We’ve never even had an offer of a few hours baby sitting from DGP (even when I had my second child) and consequently we have never had a date night or child free meal in 7yrs (not that I expected this). Our total childcare costs to date are approx £35,000 and that’s with me working part time. My sister is able to do a full time job and pay no costs. For reference our oldest child is the oldest of the three grandchildren by a few months.

I now just think the children are not missing out as they are also unaware of the disparity. I also know that I won’t be freely providing care for my parents when they inevitably require it. The favourite child can give back.

The way to deal with this, is just make your own plans, be as independent as you can. It’s rubbish feeling as if you are not important but what goes around comes around. You will not have to put up with her moods or being let down.

I'm not sure why you keep arguing with me and I think you misunderstood my post.

I do not believe grandparents are obligated to provide childcare. They should live their best retirement life and if they have the health and desire to help babysit that's their choice. That is why I have nothing against my FIL for offering ad hoc care.

To put it simply, i just don't think a grandparent should be paying for a nanny to support one child and not the other. Personally if I have the money to pay for help, I will share that amongst my kids, adjusting of course if there's a medical condition or disability. But you can disagree on that if you think otherwise.

You might have missed my earlier post. I agree a granny is not a nanny and don't expect regular childcare. They worked hard and should enjoy retirement.

My MIL pays for my SiL to have a nanny and not for us. I don't want to dwell much more on this point other than saying personally I would like to share support more equitably amongst my children.

I also know that I won’t be freely providing care for my parents when they inevitably require it. The favourite child can give back.

There we go - women punishing other women for not doing childcare. You mentioned DGP but I doubt the GF actually does the majority of the care.

OP is criticising her DM then at the same time being put out because no childcare offer has been made by her. If DM is that critical then put your child in your nursery.

As usual unfair expectations of older women which do not apply to the men.

This

you word it better than me

but I’ve also said previously I don’t think gp should do childcare all the time as they have brought up their kids and now their free time and then doing childcare again but 30yrs later

It’s quite tricky! Would you want your Mum to watch your baby if she offered? If you don’t then I’d leave things as they are and be relieved you haven’t been pressed into an arrangement that make your uncomfortable.

I suspect she already finds the two days too much and can’t roll back from that commitment but is balking at adding more days with a baby. So not personal to you and your baby, more a situation that she hasn’t really planned for.

However I also get your need to have the conversation and acknowledge, I come from a family where I am eldest, the planner, the sensible one and get utterly shafted all the time with huge differences made between siblings.

My suggestion is that you open up a conversation along lines of:

DM I wanted to check something with you. I am at a stage where I need to confirm my return to work plans and therefore make my childcare plans. I have a nursery in mind and have assumed that you are already fully committed with DN however if that is not the case, let’s discuss as I am not trying to exclude you nor wish to offend you.

That puts ball in her court, its polite and kinda forces some sort of conversation.

OP, you have just given birth and your hormones and emotions are likely all over the place. I dont think it is helpful for people to frame this as favouritism when the evidence is not really there. You've said the offer to your sister came just three months before she returned to work and your husband's comment that she just won't have thought about it yet is likely the right one.
However, even if she does now feel that perhaps she bit off more than she could chew with looking after your nephew and, three years older, doesn't feel she could do it again, doesn't mean that she loves you or your child less. As we get older, we are often overly optimistic about our energy and doing an activity for a couple of hours with similarly aged friends is very different to caring for a baby or toddler all day.
It sounds too that you have (as I do as an oldest child and have seen in my own daughter) some residual resentment at feeling 'pushed out' by the younger sibling and feeling that you're being expected to grow up more quickly, even while knowing those feelings are sometimes irrational. From what you have said, you lost your father at an early age, so I assume your mum was a single parent as well as dealing with her own grief, which will have made everything harder for all of you.
I'm not really clear what you want from your mum, and I suspect you are not either. At various points you have said you want 'the same' as your sister, that you feel it is better for your child and for your relationship with your mum for them to go to nursery, that you dont want her to stop looking after your nephew, that she is already struggling with one child so adding another on the same day would be too much, that you can see with your sister it's term time only whereas this would be year-round for you, that you worry about her picking up bugs from your nephew but would like her to provide emergency care if your child is ill.
I don't think it will do anyone any good for you to stew on all this when you should be enjoying your new baby. If, as you say, your mum and sister are last minute types, it will probably be you who has to raise it as it is you who is thinking about it all. I would frame it as you loving the relationship between your mum and nephew and how can we facilitate a similar relationship with your child. But come to terms in your own mind that if your mum no longer feels up to the same level of regular childcare (which may well be more in your case given no school holidays and, i suspect longer days) this is a reflection of increasing age and recent experience, not a rejection of your baby.
Wishing you peace.

I think that's a great suggestion!

I would hope that your mum will offer to you but do one day with your child and tell your sister that she's reducing the days she has your nephew to one. That would be the fair thing to do, it's what I would do. But she should give the sister plenty of notice that that's what she would like to do so your sister can arrange an extra day in nursery.

Your language is extreme and unpleasant. Referring to OP as a 'grasping bludger of an entitled daughter' is unkind and unfair.

However, if OP has no right or entitlement to expect even a single second of childcare from her mother, equally her mother has no right to expect a single second of elderly care from OP. OP can leave it all to her sister, the recipient of all her mother's largesse.

if OP has no right or entitlement to expect even a single second of childcare from her mother, equally her mother has no right to expect a single second of elderly care from OP

Yes older women need to be punished for not providing childcare.