AIBU to feel a bit hurt about childcare differences between grandchildren?

[OneLovingMoose]

Ive just had a baby and we’ve already had to confirm nursery. I’ve arranged 4 days a week when I go back (using a mix of annual leave and flexible working for the first 10 months, then we’ll reassess). My husband does contract work so can’t commit a day but will do pick ups/drops off around his contracts. I am very much of the opinion that it’s our responsibility to arrange childcare and whilst I would accept help I am not going to expect this or put this onto others - it’s theirs to offer as it’s a lot!

Here’s where I’m struggling a bit…

My sister had a baby 2 years ago and my mum looks after my nephew 2 days a week, with nursery the other 3. This was an arrangement she offered when my sister went back to work 2 days a week after Easter. As she’s a teacher this meant she didn’t have to arrange nursery until September. My sister then went back 5 days a week from the September and my mum continued to look after my nephew 2 days with him in nursery the other 3.

My mum has very strong views that nursery isn’t right for young children and has always blamed any illness or toddler behaviour on it 🙄. Both my sister and I have pushed back on this (especially when she suggests my sister should stop working), but those views have remained based on nothing but her opinion. When I say to her I think my nephew has a good balance of 2 days with her and 3 in nursery (8.15-4pm) she snaps that’s he’s too young to be in 3 full days Q (he’s 2 next month).

What’s confusing/hurtful is that there’s been no mention of a similar arrangement for my baby. I haven’t asked outright, and she hasn’t offered. What’s hurting me most is the acknowledgement- if my mum can’t offer the same to my baby as she’s committed to my nephews arrangement and can’t see herself doing more, fine, but an acknowledgment of this would go a long way. It also feels like double standards that she rants about the negatives of nursery for my nephew but there has been no mention of this for my baby.

The thing is, my mum is brilliant with my nephew and clearly loves it, but it does tire her out. She often seems irritable afterwards and has been ill more, but won’t acknowledge it’s a lot and insists she wants to do it and takes it personally when I mention how it’s a lot for her especially when I make a joke of a bad mood she may be in after a tough couple of toddler tantrum days.

My sister and her husband accept the help (understandably as it saves them a lot), but also put up with the moods and comments. I am also hurt that they haven’t mentioned the disparity either to me or I don’t think my mum.

My husband says my mum and sister are similar and live more in the moment so may not have even occurred to them that even though it’s a year away arrangements have to be made now and they aren’t thinking about it. I see that but don’t accept this as surely it’s pretty obvious, when I was pregnant but now the baby is here.

I’m reluctant to ask my mum directly because I don’t want any sense of obligation or guilt for either of us. I also see how tiring it is for her and couldn’t bear the guilt knowing it was my baby doing this and it hadn’t just been her choice. But equally I wonder if she assumes I don’t need help because I’m seen as the “capable” one and then I’ve been clear I value nursery for socialisation and that I do want to go back to work.

I think what’s bothering me most is the inconsistency. She was so adamant about nursery negatives with my nephew, yet hasn’t said anything similar to me about my child. And longer term, it feels a bit unfair that my child may be in nursery 4 days a week while my nephew (if this continues) only does 3 who will be 2 years older, plus there’s a significant financial difference for us vs my sister.

I fully appreciate no one owes me childcare, and we’ve made plans we can afford — but I can’t shake the feeling of it being a bit unequal.

AIBU to feel hurt by this, or am I overthinking it?

yes fair point but AIBU to want the offer to come from her?

to be honest it probably is easier she doesn’t look after my baby but it makes me sad that their relationship will probably be different to my nephews who she has 2 days a week.

Don't ask, but then don't feel hurt if she doesn't offer childcare. That's up to you. If you don't give her the chance, then it's not fair to feel hurt. Nor does she have to acknowledge the disparity when she probably doesn't even know there is a perceived disparity - because you never asked, therefore she reasonably might assume you don't want her help.

Thats so wrong. I would only commit to one grandchild if I could offer the same to all, including future unborn

Yes possibly although my sister didn’t ask, the offer entirely came from my mum as I was there when she offered her the 2 days a week, both for the initial term my sister returned to work and then continuing.

No, they need to have this conversation with their mother, not each other. They don't get to make decisions for their mother.

In the place of the mother I'd offer to do the same two days that I do for nephew. There might be some room to negotiate the days (she might have days where she has her own stuff on that aren't available), but I'd have both kids on the same day. Two days a week is fine. Four isn't.

Are you expecting your mum will be willing and able to look after a toddler and a baby?

And at what stage did your mother make that offer to your sister?

You would offer to look after a toddler and a baby ? Simultaneously. You're brave

Ask your sister if she will be increasing her child’s nursery hours at any point? That often happen around age three.

Or, just ask your mum to be your emergency childcare, when your child has the inevitable coughs/colds etc.

I know from the other side that taking care of a teacher's child is much easier . Shorter hours and long holidays . Your mother probably just struggles through knowing she will be free in summer. Also when she started this your nephew was a baby . Again much easier and in this case I would also prefer not to have a young baby in nursery . Soon your nephew will be entitled to subsidised hours . Maybe your mother might help with your baby then. But also bear in mind two years means your mother is also two years older . It does get harder and what child care can be provided for first grandchild might not be able for any following ones.

OP you’ve said a couple of times you’ve had to commit to the nursery, but has you checked you really have to? Just the contract I signed (albeit a while ago!) I had to give one full months notice of dropping sessions, and increasing sessions would be dependant on availability, once I’d confirmed which days I wanted 6 months in the future, changing /adding a day wasn’t guaranteed. But dropping sessions was possible.

So you had signed up for 4 days a week now, your mum is unlikely to realise you have done that so early, and may well presume any changes can be made closer to the date.

You are pro nursery so she will think you don’t think her care is good enough, but she is right children thrive in home environments not institutions.

I was thinking that if the sister nursery is full with no extra capacity for an extra day, there's no option for any variation on the existing arrangement

I mean this kindly, but it is nobody else’s responsibility to pre-empt and offer favours that we may need. You really do need to come out and ask her. It seems that you’re aware of the burden she’s under and don’t want to ask, but at the same time you expect her to offer even though it sounds as if she’s struggling already to manage her current commitments to your sister. That doesn’t make sense.

Being honest, do you want her to drop a day with your nephew to look after your little one? If that’s the case you need to tell her that.

I've had five kids and looked after far more. I'm only in my early 50s. It's not that hard.

my mum offered - I was there when the offer was made initially as a solution to my sister saying she had to confirm nursery for the easter term which was annoying as she would be then for summer.

I was also there when my mum said she would continue the 2 days after the summer.

Maybe but then, it's up to the mother to say her availability and the parents to decide if they can work with it. For example, I might say, I am able to do two days and am available Monday, Tuesday, Thursday. If my child then comes back and says they really need Thursday and Friday, then I can tell them I can do Thursday but aren't available Friday. Then it's up to them if they take me up on what I can do. Communication will sort all this sort of thing.

And was this discussion had when the baby was just fresh? And did the conversation take this path because sister asked? Your mother didn't even use childcare. She probably has no idea how it works and the early commitment asked.

maybe she wants to be more than childcare, maybe she wants her own life?

No I don’t want her to do that. I want her to have a relationship with my son the way she has built with my nephew through the amount of time they have together.

I have planned for her not to be part of the childcare arrangements but just makes me sad she hasn’t offered but maybe as others have said it hasn’t occurred to her yet.

How old is your baby?

This.

It's simple. Your mum is already giving up two days a week to look after your dsis' child. Expecting her to give up four days a week is too much.

if that’s the case fair enough - as I said I don’t expect it. However acknowledging she can’t give the same to my child is what I think I’m looking for.

her relationship with my nephew vs my child will be v different simply as they will spend less time together.

I would definitely initiate a conversation. My preference is always to have these things out in the open.
We had a similar situation but with my mil who provided childcare for bil’s children and not ours (as they were girls and ours were boys; she had only boys herself and always wanted a girl so I guess she felt this was her chance to make up for it).
Anyway I never said anything as DH didn’t want to upset his mum but it has meant my DC don’t have the same relationship with their grandparents as the other grandchildren (to the extent my oldest once asked if they were also his grandparents or just his cousins). You don’t want that happening so best to air your concerns now - if your mum is aware of how you feel then she has the opportunity to change something or at least talk about it with you

To be fair, you presented her a done deal. You have booked nursery and made the work arrangements. There is no room for her to even offer help.

YABU.