AIBU to feel a bit hurt about childcare differences between grandchildren?

[OneLovingMoose]

Ive just had a baby and we’ve already had to confirm nursery. I’ve arranged 4 days a week when I go back (using a mix of annual leave and flexible working for the first 10 months, then we’ll reassess). My husband does contract work so can’t commit a day but will do pick ups/drops off around his contracts. I am very much of the opinion that it’s our responsibility to arrange childcare and whilst I would accept help I am not going to expect this or put this onto others - it’s theirs to offer as it’s a lot!

Here’s where I’m struggling a bit…

My sister had a baby 2 years ago and my mum looks after my nephew 2 days a week, with nursery the other 3. This was an arrangement she offered when my sister went back to work 2 days a week after Easter. As she’s a teacher this meant she didn’t have to arrange nursery until September. My sister then went back 5 days a week from the September and my mum continued to look after my nephew 2 days with him in nursery the other 3.

My mum has very strong views that nursery isn’t right for young children and has always blamed any illness or toddler behaviour on it 🙄. Both my sister and I have pushed back on this (especially when she suggests my sister should stop working), but those views have remained based on nothing but her opinion. When I say to her I think my nephew has a good balance of 2 days with her and 3 in nursery (8.15-4pm) she snaps that’s he’s too young to be in 3 full days Q (he’s 2 next month).

What’s confusing/hurtful is that there’s been no mention of a similar arrangement for my baby. I haven’t asked outright, and she hasn’t offered. What’s hurting me most is the acknowledgement- if my mum can’t offer the same to my baby as she’s committed to my nephews arrangement and can’t see herself doing more, fine, but an acknowledgment of this would go a long way. It also feels like double standards that she rants about the negatives of nursery for my nephew but there has been no mention of this for my baby.

The thing is, my mum is brilliant with my nephew and clearly loves it, but it does tire her out. She often seems irritable afterwards and has been ill more, but won’t acknowledge it’s a lot and insists she wants to do it and takes it personally when I mention how it’s a lot for her especially when I make a joke of a bad mood she may be in after a tough couple of toddler tantrum days.

My sister and her husband accept the help (understandably as it saves them a lot), but also put up with the moods and comments. I am also hurt that they haven’t mentioned the disparity either to me or I don’t think my mum.

My husband says my mum and sister are similar and live more in the moment so may not have even occurred to them that even though it’s a year away arrangements have to be made now and they aren’t thinking about it. I see that but don’t accept this as surely it’s pretty obvious, when I was pregnant but now the baby is here.

I’m reluctant to ask my mum directly because I don’t want any sense of obligation or guilt for either of us. I also see how tiring it is for her and couldn’t bear the guilt knowing it was my baby doing this and it hadn’t just been her choice. But equally I wonder if she assumes I don’t need help because I’m seen as the “capable” one and then I’ve been clear I value nursery for socialisation and that I do want to go back to work.

I think what’s bothering me most is the inconsistency. She was so adamant about nursery negatives with my nephew, yet hasn’t said anything similar to me about my child. And longer term, it feels a bit unfair that my child may be in nursery 4 days a week while my nephew (if this continues) only does 3 who will be 2 years older, plus there’s a significant financial difference for us vs my sister.

I fully appreciate no one owes me childcare, and we’ve made plans we can afford — but I can’t shake the feeling of it being a bit unequal.

AIBU to feel hurt by this, or am I overthinking it?

Agreed men do get away with this!

I don’t have a dad as he passed away when I was little and my PIL are 4 hours away. They are supportive in other ways - financially, checking in a lot during pregnancy and asking what they can get sorted when we eventually go them.

My mum moved 6 years ago to be closer to me and my sister - it was 4 years before the first DGC (my sisters LO)!arrived who will be 2 next month.

My husband is v hands on (as he should be) but he doesn’t have regular 9-5 so can’t commit to a full day childcare.

We're all different. I know I could do it (I don't want to) but I do keep up with two dogs and an active collection of older kids. Maybe gc would energise us? My limit would be one or two days a week though. I'd be happy to have any number of grandkids on those days. Beyond that, I just don't want to do it. I don't feel at all obligated to do any childcare, but I'd be willing to do that much.

Your PILS don't actually seem to be doing much except ' financially'. Checking in is not the same as childcare

I am somewhat appalled by the notion that GPs now not only have to provide chiildcare, they also have to finance their grandchildren to be considered good GPs .
Maybe I can get away with financial support as the lives of most GPs on here sounds miserable.

Yes, it's not longer enough to just be part of the family. You have to give, give and give some more. Even if it compromises your health, personal life or personal finances. Otherwise you're terrible and maybe should be gone NC with.

Ah, the everpresent threat of NC! Like a sword of Damocles.
If any child of mine expected me to provide childcare 4 days a week- to make it even with both- and never go on holiday, I am happpy for them to go NC.

I’m destroyed after one day ad-hoc babysitting, I don’t think it would energise me! I love children but I just can’t do what I used to do (numerous health conditions, chronic pain plus menopause had finished me off).

I have a friend who has her 5 pre-school dgc every day - and she’s in her 60s! I really don’t know how she does it.

Just to defend dads a bit - my dad did as much as my mum when it came to helping me out.

People say this but the research shows the most grandfathers do more of the playing, picking up and entertaining whereas grandmothers meal plan, feed, look after children when they are ill, help toilet train and other drudgery.

This isn't a gender based comment. My in laws are divorced. My FIL is fair in my opinion. My issue with MIL's treatment is purely based on how she treats my SIL's kid and paying for her nanny.

My dad used to pick me and ds1 up on the morning and drive me to work before I passed my test. My mum prob did do more of the childcare but he did loads of driving us around, diy, helping me to choose a car, shopping, cooking (no one wants my mum doing that lol). I hope I managed to pay back some of that when he was ill and needed support. Lots of dads are fantastic and help in their own way, even if that's different to how mums help.

All your criticism is of the MIL and SIL.

What childcare does FIL do?

The expectations and criticism are reserved mostly for grandmothers not grandfathers.

You’re massively overthinking this. I didn’t start looking at nurseries until I was 9m pp and the nursery was clear it’s fine to drop/add days when he finally starts (will be 15 months when I go back to work)

@HazelMember I think that might be because there's perceived favouritism here. A dad who does nothing, largely does nothing for all his kids. With the mum, it's the perception that she'll help one but not both.

Fair wouid be to stop looking after the older grandchildren and do 2yrs of younger /other child kids

no obv nanny shouldn’t tire her self out but I can understand if the second sibling to have kids and no help yet they helped other sibling , for them to be a bit peeved

The OP's mum is already finding it a struggle yet she should do another 2 years to make it fair?

So women need to keep giving and giving?

I future planned the care of my gcs. When my first arrived I offered my dd 1 day a week childcare with the proviso I would offer my ds the same if and when he has a dc. He did so I do 2 days a week 1 per dc. Set the boundaries early to ensure fairness.

But the current grandchild is already impacting on her physical health and she is tired and irritable from your quote from the OP. It is another year until the OP goes back to work so the DM would have to offer 3 years of childcare to the OP in the interests of fairness. By which time she will be six years older than when she started, which can be huge in terms of health and stamina when you're in your seventies as this lady will be. And what if there is another sibling in the wings who may be having children in the future?

I can also imagine the post on here from the sister saying she has been let down by her DM who she expected to provide childcare until her DS started school and had planned her life accordingly. And how she was going to have to deal with the upset her son was going to feel to find out that Nanny was jettisoning him in favour of his cousin. And everyone agreeing how terrible of the DM and was the other sister the Golden Child, and if her DM was that unreliable she shoukd go LC etc etc

What if they have more kids? Can you take care of 2 at a time?

When will your nephew start school @OneLovingMoose ? Maybe your mum will offer when your nephew is in school & that much older? It does sound tricky & I understand your feelings but sounds like you need a conversation to stop resentment building.

What if you get ill? Will you keep doing it for every gc to be fair?

I wonder how many grandfathers are making these kinds of arrangements?

It sounds like you are sad about the perceived differences in treatment but I think YABU as you don’t want to do anything about it. You don’t want to ask, you don’t want to talk to your mum about it, you just want to sit feeling sad that she’s not asked you (even though it seems like you’d prefer her not to looks after your child as it’s too much)?

while I get the feeling itself, it’s not helpful to you. Who knows why your mum hasn’t offered, I would guess it’s nothing to do with favourites and all to do with being worn out from what she’s doing already. She maybe doesn’t want to bring it up as she thinks it will be hurtful for you, or she might feel compelled to offer something she can’t do to make it “fair”. And while it’s not first come first serve it is a bit as she’s extended herself as far as she can’t and that’s all she can do. Other than doing less for your sister there’s not much she can now do about it. Or should she only have offered 1 day to your sister in case you’d have a baby soon after?

That's not really fair on the grandmother. She's two years older now.

What's fair is for adults having children is to sort their own childcare. If a grandparent is willing to provide some great, but it shouldn't be an expectation, much less a requirement. Aging changes things. Cost of living changes things.

This grandmother is obviously getting to the point where 2 days of care is too much and she's starting to show physical effects and more illnesses. OP feels a bit hurt that she won't get the same. But the facts are her mom is not going to be doing the same for her as she did for the older sister.

I think an acknowledgement of that would go a long way. Mom has trash talked nurseries, but didn't back it up with action for both of her kids. That's hypocrisy on her part.

@OneLovingMoose , you might want to suggest your mom get the RSV vaccine.

If you've only just had your baby, i suspect this is not something that has crossed your mum's mind. I know you've had to confirm your place already, but thats because you are already planning on going back to work and are having to deal with the logistics. Your mum probably doesnt realise the demand for childcare and that people have to register for childcare so early. Tbf, i wouldnt have either, and thats bc i took time out after i had my dc, its not something i had to think about at the time, so it wouldnt occur to me.

I am also hurt that they haven’t mentioned the disparity either to me or I don’t think my mum.

Of course they wont!They stand to lose out if they point it out, so why would they?!! It's not their battle to fight. When it comes to money all this sibling love/bond usually flies out of the window. Your sister will want this arrangement to continue at least until her child starts reception.

It is what it is OP. At least you will not be obliged to your mun. You sound lovely. Congratulations on your baby x

I don't get the impression that gran is planning to stop looking after the first grandchild, on account of finding it too much. So will continue to give all her help to one child but not the other. I don't see how anyone could view that as fair. Okay, she might not be able to offer a full 2 years of help to the OP, but since she is carrying on with childcare, how is it right to not share her help between her 2 daughters?