Why Is the Woman Always the Villain? The Strange Logic of Blaming the ‘Other Woman

[ApriloNeil2026]

Reading a group on facebook about are we dating the same guy etc and a few people were blaming the woman for a guy cheating and being a marriage wrecker.

basically what the hell, in my view if the guy is married etc then why or how is it the womans fault in any way ?

I have been cheated on, and I blamed and hated the actions of both my ex and the OW. She knew he was with someone. She was with someone herself. Two hearts broken because neither had the maturity to end their relationships first.
If you take a shining to someone in a relationship, leave them the fuck alone. If someone in a relationship takes a shining to you, leave them the fuck alone.

I think because it’s seen as a betrayal of the sisterhood so to speak, women expect more from each other. The OW is trying to take their place on some level, I think both are to blame, the married person more so- but the AP is also guilty of a kind of theft I suppose. Whilst a marriage is between the married couple - it’s also a public declaration that they belong to each other, so it seems like a disrespect to their marriage for someone from outside it to knowingly insert themselves in that, but then I don’t think it’s obvious that the man would cheat regardless or with others in the future. I’ve not been cheated on but have had family members be cheated on with different consequences, so just basing it off those.

but how is it still the other womans fault because if the guy would cheat anyway then ?

Ill ask again op...are we free to act like dicks toward anyone we don't know? If you answer no to that then.uou have to explain why you're giving ow a free pass on this.

ill admit thats good points

in the context of affairs and affairs only if a man is married and breaks those vows to cheat then the blame in that context is on the man and the man alone as he broke his oath to the lady he married, the other woman did not make any vows to the other woman

Married men and married women who cheat shouldn't.

Men and women who chase married people to boost their egos also shouldn't as it's just a bit shit, no?

It is her fault for not walking away. A woman fancies a man... flirts with him. He responds. She finds out he is married. She is morally bankrupt to continue to pursue the relationship.

I don't know if my ex would have cheated anyway... he didn't just shag her. He left me for her.

Perhaps you could explain why we aren’t free to act with our conscience? And if so what universal rules do we abide by? And what if someone breaks those rules and hurts someone emotionally? Does the hurt person still have to adhere to the rules?

I completely agree they made the vows but other people can still be arses.

Also op need you to come on the step parent threads when people are like marry the wife take on the family. No no you just married the wife. The vows didn’t state you become a parent. Nor do they state your mil or fil is your family 😏

Vows to one person from one other person. Not whole families.

Exactly. Everyone in long term relationships gets bored at times, if there's an enthusiastic third party desperately giggling at their jokes it just becomes a bit inevitable doesn't it.

my support

I think if the OW knew the man was married then it’s licence to hate them both equally. I know I do in my case but to be honest I probably do feel more hate towards her because I have to be civil to exh still currently with arrangements over the children and it’ would be physically too hard to do if I let myself feel that rage, so she’s the outlet. I don’t see her and I don’t have anything to do with her it’s almost like a survival method in order to manage my day to day life . I’m not saying it’s reasonable but nothing to do with affairs are. It’s hugely multi layered and complicated.

I always stand by the fact that if the OW had had no knowledge of me then it would solely be on XH.

Obviously I’m posting from the perspective of having divorced the guy rather than staying together and that must be even worse. I imagine the only way to cope with staying together is to use the OW as an outlet for your rage and grief so that you can continue on your path to forgiving your cheating spouse. I understand why people do it. You can’t stay married to people you despise and hate it will literally destroy you. There’s all sorts of reasons why people stay together - children, money, assets, list is endless and I don’t judge others for their decisions I’m just looking forward to that day when I no longer need to communicate with exh ever again and there will be no need to hate anyone as I’ll never need to think of them.

‘Desperately giggling at their jokes’ 😮

Unless someone forces a married man to cheat, then how is ‘desperately giggling at their jokes’ going to make him cheat!

I know this won’t be popular but I think a lot of people are in denial about how bad their relationship is so it’s a shock if they find their partner cheating. It doesn’t happen in a vacuum. A person who is happily married wouldn’t be tempted to stray.

Interestingly several philosophers said you should act with your conscience BUT that we all have a moral imperative to inform and inspect our conscience. Aquinas talked about 'real' and 'apparent' goods. We're very good at convincing ourselves the bad things we want to.do are really ok but almost any objective outsider would say different.

As for universal rules...pretty much all religions and law codes do boil down to a golden rule that essentially translates to my aforementioned 'don't be a dick'

And no. Not inevitable if you love your partner.

Assuming she knows he's married, or worse, a dad, it makes her complicit in harming other people. When did that become ok? Its part of the social contract of what boils down to 'don't be a dick' . These threads always seem to assume that any blame placed on the ow somehow lessens that directed at the man. It doesn't. There isn't a finite amount. I think its perfectly ok to think badly of someone who deliberateky involves themselves in behaviour that harms others.

I totally agree with this. Especially if the OW knows he is a father. Even more so if she has kids herself and knew how her kids suffered when her family split up. Both the cheater AND the ow are complete c**ts. (Ahem...personal experience. Although I think she was expecting us to break up and then she gets to be stepmother to my beautiful (but broken) daughter.).

No, the OW can't always be excused as just a by-stander. Own the fucking shitstorm you contributed to.

I hate this notion that a woman cheated on is expected not to blame the other woman whatsoever. Seen someone on here accuse someone doing this as having "internalised misogyny". Yeah, right. Just another buzzword at this point.

I dont blame the other woman if she doesnt know he is in a relationship. If she does know, she is choosing to be complicit in the pain caused to the woman partnered with the man shes having an affair with. If they have kids, even worse, she is complicit in destroying their family and causing mental harm to those children. If no woman said yes to starting a relationship with a man they know is not single, it wouldnt happen. Obviously, disregarding the large proportion that do not know (again, I dont blame them at all).

Adding onto this, there is always a certain type of woman who agrees to get with these men knowing theyre not single. Theyre always the ones desperate for attention and to feel 'special' - how are you not supposed to hate them? And i know, people will rush to their defence saying theyre being manipulated - if you know someone is in a relationship, and choose to start a relationship with them, you hold accountability. These women are adults and often dont care about any other factors pertaining to anybody else's life but their own. Im aware some men tell lies about it how awful their wife is and how unhappy they are - so why dont they say to them "ok, leave her formally, and then we can start a relationship". Is it really that hard to have a shred of self respect??? I think not. Also, are we still living in an age where people believe mens obvious lies in this regard??? If a married man comes to you attempting to start an affair banging on about how awful is wife is, is everyone not smart enough to know at this point its complete shit?? Is everyone not intelligent enough to know that this still doesnt make it ok to start a relationship with someone who isnt single??

Im just at a loss for words sometimes. Its normal human emotion to hate someone sleeping with your own partner, case closed.

People seem to assume the other woman, by default of being a woman, should be better somehow than their partner.

Regardless of how good or bad someone's behaviour is, only your partner has an obligation to be faithful to you.

I do agree with that, and I am sad my ex didn't tell me that he was not happy. Talking things through and parting ways would have hurt, but no where the hurt that the bolt out the blue and betrayal brought. My life was turned upside down in a matter of minutes.

That's not gaslighting.

For every 'desperate giggler' there would be half a dozen men happy to shag a married woman though. So if the third party is such a driving force, you'd expect to see far greater numbers of bored married women cheating than men.

Yeah right, read the relationships board for some insight. So many married people have their spouses declaring undying love when caught cheating.

If no woman said yes to starting a relationship with a man they know is not single, it wouldnt happen.

If no man started a relationship with a woman when he isn't single, it wouldn't happen either...

Okay what about the second part? What if someone is a dick to you? Things are rarely black and white.

And yes that’s why I say that as long as it’s within the law, everyone can (and does) follow their conscience.

I owe nothing to strangers. I am not deliberately a dick to someone who hasn’t been one to me but once they are, all bets are off