Why Is the Woman Always the Villain? The Strange Logic of Blaming the ‘Other Woman

[ApriloNeil2026]

Reading a group on facebook about are we dating the same guy etc and a few people were blaming the woman for a guy cheating and being a marriage wrecker.

basically what the hell, in my view if the guy is married etc then why or how is it the womans fault in any way ?

As I said- everything is always the woman’s fault. There is a thread on here where a woman is being told it’s her fault that her husband has repeatedly damaged her clothes in the washing machine…..

Yes but that doesn't mean the affair partner is blameless.

That’s a false either/or. Human behaviour isn’t “pure biology” or “pure society"; it’s both at the same time.

Biology creates tendencies, not irresistible overrides. Those tendencies then get expressed through whatever environment we’re in.

The evidence actually shows men and women prioritise different things on average; women tend to value resources and stability more, men tend to prioritise youth and fertility. In a modern society, resources come from careers rather than physical strength, which is why a successful middle-aged man can still be an attractive mate.

That’s not “having it both ways” - it’s the same underlying biology operating in a different environment.

Resources may come from careers, but a good career doesnt make an agjng man virile and fertile, with high enough quality sperm to make him a good idea biologically. So women who choose such men are, as you say, overriding their biological tendancy and choosing an inferior mate for modern advantages.
My question is, why do you think that men can't override their biological urge to impregnate multiple females unless women help them by not offering them opportunity?

You’re overstating the biological side a bit. Male fertility does decline with age, but nowhere near as sharply as female fertility, so it’s not accurate to frame older men as biologically “inferior” across the board.

More importantly, you’re treating resources as if they’re separate from biology, when they’ve always been part of it. Historically that meant strength and protection; in modern society it often means income and stability. So a woman choosing a successful older man isn’t overriding biology - she’s responding to a different expression of it.

And on your last point, men clearly can and do override sexual impulses all the time. If they couldn’t, long-term relationships and social order wouldn’t exist. Biology creates tendencies, not uncontrollable behaviour.

I think it depends if a woman knowingly enters a relationship with a man that is married or in a long-term relationship. Of course, some woman are hoodwinked into believing the man is single/divorced and then finds out otherwise. We've all seen enough posts on MN to know it happens. It then depends on her reaction...does she dump his arse for lying to her and cheating on his wife/partner or is she so smitten that she ignores the wife/partner/kids and continues seeing him?

A woman who knows the man is married/in a long-term relationship and has an affair with him, is 50% to blame. A woman who continues to be in a relationship with a man she discovers is married/in a long-term relationship is also 50% to blame.

Often both parties are married/in a long-term relationship and are cheating on their respective spouses or partners. Both equally to blame.

No the woman shouldn't be blamed solely, but often people do this because it's easier than to accept their husband is an arsehole, who has no respect for them and doesn't love them.

There is an argument that if a husband truly believes he can no longer bear to be married to his current wife then he should, correctly, leave (although cheating men a) aren't usually actually suffering at home and b) don't leave until they are caught, just cheat).
On the other hand there is no reason at all for an outside peer to insert themselves into a marriage and help to break it up - it is 100% aggression.

What about when the OW is the best friend/sister of the wife? I assume even you would assign her some of the blame?

Depends - if the friend/sister has done something incredibly (life changing) nasty to the future OW then that’s tough

Yes, that would make it less clearcut. But you do get scenarios where a wife is confiding in her best friend about her fears that her husband is cheating and crying on her shoulder. Only to find out that it’s the friend who is the OW. Complete hypocrisy.

then its cold but its still the person that cheats is the one that is responsible for beginning the affair.

I’d say they both are in that scenario, as they both have a relationship with the wife. I can accept your point about an OW who doesn’t even know the wife, though her behaviour could still be seen as selfish. But why wouldn’t it be equal responsibility when it’s a sister/best friend who has a close relationship with the betrayed wife?

A manager at my work has a wife,two small kids (both under the age of 8) and wife was pregnant with no3

A new woman started and within weeks,they'd started an affair

They didnt exactly hide it and we where all disgusted but tried to be professional around them both

The amount of crap the woman took for 'shagging a married man' was unreal

I had to point out that he knew he was married,he'd got her pregnant 3 times he'd taken his vows and he was 50% to blame

She knew he was married and had kids

It all came to a head and he stayed with his wife (who'd just had his baby at this point) and the ow was forced to leave her job (and nearly lost her home)

They where both to blame but he seemed to get away with it (hes still there and nobody mentions it) but she had to leave her job (and area) and mention her name and everyone pulls a face and says how disgusting she is

Seems the poor man was easily led and innocent and the evil other woman forced him to have an affair

I see this time and time again-years ago I met a man and we started dating

I thought we where both single but it all came out in the wash that he was married

I took all the blame while he skipped off scott free-I had no idea he was married but I was to blame

Wasn't me who took vows to remain faithful or 'forgot' to mention a wife

thats the thing the guy was the committed one so why blame the women etc ?

Again I would shift the narrative away from 'blame'. The much more important issue in my view is what it says about each person's character. I would have very negative feelings toward a person who knowingly participated in an action that contributes to hurting someone else and quite often children. That's entirely separate from the issue of blame for the end of a marriage. A cheated on wife can blame the husband 100% but still have very negative feelings toward the person that knowingly helped to harm her and her children.

She took all the blame (I didnt like her as a person,but bloody hell,she didnt say the vows)

She lost a lot-her job,almost her home,ended up having to move away and was blamed for everything

He walked away,totally blame free

Still married,still got his family,still got his job (in fact he was promoted) and is seen to be totally innocent but was tempted by the 'scarlet woman' so was blameless

It's so bloody wrong-she wasnt innocent but neither was he

I know what you mean.

But where the wife is not a decent person who is otherwise undeserving of respect, it’s fair game.

I have been celibate for over 24 years so I have no skin in the game personally.

Exactly. And to me that seems natural.

You may be heartbroken and furious with your partner, but you can’t necessarily stop loving him at once like switching off a light. You don’t love the other woman, so your feelings towards her are unmixed.

And you probably have happy memories of your partner, whereas the OW has brought you nothing but grief.

So although your partner has wronged you more, you’ve no reason to feel anything but hostility towards the OW.

I get why people do it but it’s the one who is supposed to love you that has betrayed you and choosing to deflect blame onto someone (she turned his head etc) who owes you nothing is just being in denial.

And how can you still be in love with someone who has treated you like that

If the person in a relationship with the cheating partner knows that they are married, then, as @ginasevern says, both parties are to blame. Sometimes the cheating spouse lies about their marital status, and conceals their family life completely, and then I can’t blame the OW/OM - they are a victim of the cheating spouse too.

But if you know the person you are with/you want to be with is married or has a long term relationship and family, and especially when there are children involved, then I think anyone with any decency should not get involved with that person - and that applies equally to women and men, imo.

Of course, the main burden of the guilt lies with the spouse/partner who decides to cheat, but if the other person knows about the spouse/partner/family, then I judge their behaviour too.

Sounds like an urban myth designed again to make the woman the villain and the poor man just another helpless victim. Even if a woman tried to instigate something with a married man I'm sure he's capable of saying no.

It's hardly an urban myth, I've known a couple of women like that over the years. I think it's generally accepted that Claudia Lawrence had a penchant for married men, which may have been a factor in her disappearance.

And how do you establish that? If the ow is going off what the man is telling her then obviously she's going to think its not a problem. How many women do we see on here complaining that their partners ex and mother of his children is a bitter, crazy, headcase? How many women say their ex represents them as that but its far from the truth? And actually, I don't think it does mean its 'fair game'. If the wife is so awful, why not just leave?

You misunderstand me. A poster was talking about when it is a friend or sister who is the OW.

And the friend or sister knows first hand that the wife isn’t a good person. Because just because someone is married, they can still be a bit of a cunt!

I am not talking about bullshit spouted about the wife by the husband or whatever.