To say SDs have to share a room?

[Cachet88]

DP and I are buying a new, bigger house. It will have four bedrooms. One for us, one for DS6. We also have SD12 (twins) who are with us EOWE and half the holidays. Currently they share a room.

SDs mum moved and we moved to be closer about three years ago. Therefore my mum now lives too far to do day visits but stays here every month or two. DP’s family live abroad and stay a few times a year, and we have other friends and family to stay fairly often too (pretty location!).

As there are now two bedrooms unaccounted for, SDs want a bedroom each. I do not want this, because I want a spare room for guests, and because both SDs are absolutely disgusting in terms of hygiene.

YANBU: they don’t need a room each
YABU: they need a room each

Having read your comments about these girls I feel sorry for them. Yes, it sounds like they have gross habits. It sounds like there are under lying issues. You don’t speak very kindly of them. You have chosen to join their family. They are not guests in your house. They are part of the family. If they want separate rooms and it’s possible, they should have them.

The hygiene needs to be dealt with. That’s parenting. Leaving their room to fester for two weeks is neglectful. They clearly don’t know how to clean and tidy. They need, for example, their dad to ask where their towels are each time they are not returned to their spot in the bathroom. It’s not rocket science.

First of all as the SD are only EOWE, the OP has little chance to resolve neglect from the resident parent who has them by the sounds of things 12 out of 14 nights. But also THE OP IS NOT RESPONSIBLE above the two parents.

The girls have two functioning parents. Why are you dumping neglect titles on the least responsible person.

oh. Woman. That’s right isn’t it

And if they don’t?
I think people fail to realise ultimately you can not make dc do things if they don’t want to.

removing privileges, grounding, no treats, explaining, it all only works if the young person chooses

After reading all of your updates I think it's perfectly reasonable that they should share a room with en suite, and also that their father should be the one who makes sure they clean it or cleans up after them.

She decided to be with someone who had children, presumably knowing they’d be living in their joint house for some regular period of time. She has a parental role in their lives, and she’s cleaning up after them anyway. She and her DH need to agree minimum standards and enforce them, with all the children.

Some of the behaviour is pretty normal - making a bed with pyjamas still in it or clean clothes in the laundry basket are fairly usual frustrations with pre-teen kids. The other stuff they need taught not to do - it doesn’t really matter who does that teaching. If you decide to marry someone who has kids, you have a role in their life whether you want it or not.

Why don’t you explain to them the reason they have to share is that they can’t keep their own space clean. If after a few months this changes then they can have a room each but it will still be for guests when they visit. Your then putting the situation in their own hands.

You dint need WiFi if you have good phone signal. They just use their phone as a hotspot

This is what I’d do , but then neither of them get the room with the en-suite , unless there is one on each bedroom .

Two bedrooms being used 4 days a month and empty the rest of the time is stupid.

They share with another sibling at home. So this new home is an upgrade anyways. They have an en-suite.

no would I have two rooms and is it two en-suites? Messed up and left unusable for the other 28 days a month

I don't see a guest room as a priority. And yes, children and teens can be messy and gross.

I also wonder if this is one of those issues where people are much less inclined to treat twins as individuals than they would be for siblings with a minimal age gap.

Very much on team "own rooms".

Their own rooms and gusts on the sofa. The caveat being they clean and tidy their oen rooms at a set time each weekend.

Far better as I said to take phones tv etc away till a clean tidy room

Reading how they come from their mum’s with dirty clothes and unwashed hair and then enjoy long baths to get clean is heartbreaking. That is a huge red flag for neglect. The next red flag is their mum refusing to discuss the cleanliness of their living environment. Neglect is a form of child abuse.

We can’t expect them to know how to clean without their dad (or you) teaching them as if they were toddlers. You described them huffing and puffing and doing a basic tidy but not really cleaning. Those are the actions of children eager to please, but clueless as to how to do a proper clean.

I don’t think their own rooms should be contingent on a life skill their non functioning, neglectful mother has never taught them or role modelled for them. They should have their own rooms, and then their dad should show them how to clean properly. They need to learn as soon as possible. Those of us raised by a normal parent sometimes take for granted basic life skills. We tend to think kids just naturally figure them out as they get older.

I know they aren’t OP’s responsibility, so most of my comments are directed towards the girls’ father.

My dad had a partner who wouldn't allow me or my brother to have our own rooms in their house, even though there were enough bedrooms.

I thought she was a cunt, and I resented my dad for not caring enough about us.

Yes unbrushed matted hair and smelly /unclean is a neglect issue

Hundred percent agree.
in light of the latest information about their life at their mums house, here’s a chance to make a positive difference in someone’s lives and to their future by showing kindness and being reasonable and working to compromise and see kids as not something to be punished and controlled , especially when they’re likely being neglected and emotionally abused and god knows what else at their mums.

Good compromise 👍🏻

They get a decent sized room but they have to share. Sharing is perfectly normal for siblings, especially twins, and they already share all the time at their mum’s house and your current house. Since you regularly use the spare room, it is not at all unreasonable to ensure that there is a room available and useable for that purpose.

It's clearly not enough for your DH to send his DDs to tidy their room because they never do it properly. He needs to make sure he gives them enough time to tidy it AND for him to check it before they go. If it's not done properly then he can point out to them what they still need to do eg take the wet towels out of the bed and hang them up.

And it needs to happen EVERY TIME.

Initially I'm sure this process will take some time, but they will learn that they can't get away with not doing it.

DH probably won't want to do it, but he must.
Stand your ground OP.

Honestly it is not normal behaviour to leave used period products on counters and on the floor!!

I can't believe that they don't put them in the bin at school or at Mum's.
And what the hell kind of a pit is their mum's house if they all do it?!

And especially not the bogies and used period products!

🤮

Why doesn't he want to do the necessary cleaning OP? They are, after all, his DDs.

And if he doesn't want to clean, why doesn't he make them do it properly?

What does he say to them about the disgusting mess they leave? Especially the bogies on the wall and used period products left just anywhere?
Did he make them clean it up?
If not, why not?

He is their parent, he needs to actually parent them!
Tell them what is expected, show them how to tidy and clean, and check that they have done it properly. It's not rocket science.

I don't understand why he has allowed them to behave like this for so long.

As is often the case on MN, this presents as a DSD problem when really it's a DH problem.

They're kids, almost teens, lazy, and not bothered about mess/dirt. He's an adult, what's his excuse?

@sittingonabeach The OP says her Mum comes first a few days once a month, and friends and family of her DH often come at other times.

@ArtAngel I was talking generally not about OP’s personal circumstances

I agree with the poster who said they should share until they can prove they can keep it clean and tidy and then it can be reviewed. They could then ‘earn’ separate rooms. Whoever gets the larger room will have to accept it is also a guest room. If the tidiness is not maintained, then it’s back to sharing. With privilege comes responsibility- simple.

The amount of times youve used the word disgusting in relation to them is a bit much.