Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

3 year old highly sensitive traits

124 replies

OneOliveKoala · 30/03/2026 09:34

Hi everyone, I’m looking for some balanced opinions on my 3-year-old daughter’s development. I’m not looking for a diagnosis, just trying to understand whether what I’m seeing is within typical range or something that might need further assessment.

She speaks in full sentences and can have back-and-forth conversations with people She talks to strangers appropriately and engages socially, and she can share toys when prompted , always with wits her turn to the point of letting all the kids go first on the slide because they are quicker than her and she get frustrated as a consequence.

In play, she is very imaginative. She plays with animal figurines and creates little storylines and questions around them. She can play independently for quite long periods at home.

Behaviour-wise, she always listens to instructions ( always follow through non stimulating tasks etc ) and always says sorry and please and thank you unprompted. she sometimes gets up during meals and may say “no” quite strongly when she does not want to do something but that can be normal . She can become very silly or excited, especially when there are visitors or new people in the house, but she is generally calmer and more settled when it is just me and her at home. In more stimulating environments, she can appear not to listen as well, although she does not tend to have meltdowns or tantrums at home. Outside she does cooperate and if she cries it js out of fear or panic

She also has some sensory preferences. She dislikes loud noises and can get overwhelmed by them. She sometimes does not like wearing shoes because she is scared they might flash . and she does not like wet food or dirty hands. ( she eats everything food wise ).

In group settings, she struggles more in nursery and does not always listen there, although she does fine in playgroups and can engage socially once settled . Her behaviour seems to vary quite a lot depending on the environment.

She adapts well when plans change, for example she is not usually upset if something we planned like a playgroup does not happen. She understands rules at home and can show empathy, for example noticing if someone is sad.

Overall I’m just trying to understand whether this kind of profile is still within the normal range for a 3-year- She sometimes does not like wearing shoes, and she does not like wet food or dirty hands. When she is excited, she sometimes makes repetitive movements with her wrists or ankles.
In group settings, she struggles more in nursery and does not always listen there, although she does fine in playgroups and can engage socially with her peers Her behaviour seems to vary quite a lot depending on the environment.

She adapts well when plans change, for example she is not usually upset if something we planned like a playgroup does not happen. She understands rules at home and she behaves perfectly ( she sleeps well and never leaves her bed if she wakes up early ) . For example she was home with just me for a week and not even once she complained when we had to do things . Her dad came home an all hell broke loose . She shouts and doesn’t want to go out with him and this behaviour was happening prior to him leaving .

Overall I’m just trying to understand whether this kind of profile is still within the normal range for a 3-year-old . I can tell there is something at play here She is not at all like her peers but it could be temperament related . I have tried all the medical routes and gone privately as well with a developmental paediatrician in London and nothing came of it .

my husband is getting very disheartened about the whole situation and I don’t know what to do to change things

OP posts:
SpanThatWorld · 03/04/2026 12:47

OneOliveKoala · 03/04/2026 12:20

I understand your post and I have asked the same question to the paediatrician and got told over and over again that just being highly sensitive and separation anxiety even if they don’t grow out it don’t point to autism so I don’t know what to think

And this is something I recognise from your other threads. You have been told that everything js within the normal range "so I don't know what to think." In one of your earlier threads you complained that everyone had said your daughter was normal and now you were "back where you started".

And clearly where you started - when you had a child of 1 who you were convinced was a Gestalt language processor - was with a child with no obvious difficulties who you are determined to pathologise.

There are thousands of posts on MN and AIBU is incredibly fast moving but there is something about your style of slightly formal English that is immediately recognisable. It's fascinating but slightly terrifying that this is still going on and so many of us recognise you as soon as you post.

Hiemal · 03/04/2026 13:24

OneOliveKoala · 03/04/2026 12:41

With people in shops and other parents I do it all the time and she does enjoy interacting with people when it is like 1:1 interactions.. like tomorrow there is gonna a huge family meeting with other kids involved and I am sure all she wants to do is to go upstairs alone with me away from people ( which i am totally okay with that ) I just feel very sad that it is always the case with her. We had a week just me and her with no car but we live very close to the sea and forests and she was at her happiest ( no one was about and it was calm ) and she is normally a pretty happy baby in her safe environments. My husband thinks that the solution is constant exposure to louder and more chaotic environments

Well, it’s hardly an either/or between solitary forest rambles and a large, chaotic family gathering, is it?

Smouty84 · 03/04/2026 13:31

OneOliveKoala · 03/04/2026 11:07

But the whole point is that she doesn’t enjoy anything that has people or other kids in it so we don’t go on holidays , lunches , coffee shops like anywhere despite the fact that we have always tried to expose her .. it is no fun for her or us .. I do know there are some sensitive kids slow to warm up but this is unsustainable in that we can’t do anything that she bursts into tears even if we go to a simple and quiet coffee shop

Why wouldn’t you have mentioned any of this in your first post? In fact you say she’s very sociable and chats to strangers and gets silly and excitable if you have visitors. You then go on to say she only ever cries outside the house from fear or panic. And that once she’s settled at nursery or playgroup she’s fine and engages socially.
But now you’re saying she’s screaming and crying at the sight of any other human at all and you can’t ever go anywhere because of it.

The post I’ve quoted and your original post are totally different to each other.

OneOliveKoala · 03/04/2026 13:35

Smouty84 · 03/04/2026 13:31

Why wouldn’t you have mentioned any of this in your first post? In fact you say she’s very sociable and chats to strangers and gets silly and excitable if you have visitors. You then go on to say she only ever cries outside the house from fear or panic. And that once she’s settled at nursery or playgroup she’s fine and engages socially.
But now you’re saying she’s screaming and crying at the sight of any other human at all and you can’t ever go anywhere because of it.

The post I’ve quoted and your original post are totally different to each other.

it is a difficult one

Playgroups are fine and with adults or older kids she is very sociable but if a kid her age or smaller tries and go on to the slide she cries or shouts “ no mommy it is the little girl’s turn . If we go in a shop and people interact with her and asks her questions she is happy to answer

OP posts:
Smouty84 · 03/04/2026 13:40

OneOliveKoala · 03/04/2026 13:35

it is a difficult one

Playgroups are fine and with adults or older kids she is very sociable but if a kid her age or smaller tries and go on to the slide she cries or shouts “ no mommy it is the little girl’s turn . If we go in a shop and people interact with her and asks her questions she is happy to answer

But the whole point is that she doesn’t enjoy anything that has people or other kids in it so we don’t go on holidays , lunches , coffee shops like anywhere despite the fact that we have always tried to expose her .. it is no fun for her or us .. I do know there are some sensitive kids slow to warm up but this is unsustainable in that we can’t do anything that she bursts into tears even if we go to a simple and quiet coffee shop

So this is an extreme exaggeration and you can and do go to places that have people or other children? She doesn’t just burst into tears walking into a coffee shop if another person is in there like you said here?

OneOliveKoala · 03/04/2026 13:46

Smouty84 · 03/04/2026 13:40

But the whole point is that she doesn’t enjoy anything that has people or other kids in it so we don’t go on holidays , lunches , coffee shops like anywhere despite the fact that we have always tried to expose her .. it is no fun for her or us .. I do know there are some sensitive kids slow to warm up but this is unsustainable in that we can’t do anything that she bursts into tears even if we go to a simple and quiet coffee shop

So this is an extreme exaggeration and you can and do go to places that have people or other children? She doesn’t just burst into tears walking into a coffee shop if another person is in there like you said here?

I meant if I go in a shop and she is in the buggy or I stop talking to people at the park she is okay with that but if we go into a coffee shop and try and sit and enjoy it then not ..

OP posts:
Lookayonder · 03/04/2026 13:54

OneOliveKoala · 03/04/2026 13:35

it is a difficult one

Playgroups are fine and with adults or older kids she is very sociable but if a kid her age or smaller tries and go on to the slide she cries or shouts “ no mommy it is the little girl’s turn . If we go in a shop and people interact with her and asks her questions she is happy to answer

I'm confused.

You say your life is unsustainable as you can't go to lunches and cafes as your daughter is so frightened of them. And she's so distressed around other children. Yet you clearly go to coffee shops and she's now happy to talk to others and is fine with older children.

If I'm right in what I'm saying you have a 3 year old who can be anxious around big groups of people, shy round new people and finds it hard to wait her turn.

So basically she's a completey normal 3 year old as you've been told before.

What is the problem because you just seem to be massively contradicting yourself.

OneOliveKoala · 03/04/2026 13:59

Lookayonder · 03/04/2026 13:54

I'm confused.

You say your life is unsustainable as you can't go to lunches and cafes as your daughter is so frightened of them. And she's so distressed around other children. Yet you clearly go to coffee shops and she's now happy to talk to others and is fine with older children.

If I'm right in what I'm saying you have a 3 year old who can be anxious around big groups of people, shy round new people and finds it hard to wait her turn.

So basically she's a completey normal 3 year old as you've been told before.

What is the problem because you just seem to be massively contradicting yourself.

She is fine if I stop and talk to people on the streets , shops etc but if we decide to stay in a coffee shop then she cries , starts shaking and wants to go home … if we go to playgroups with other kids she is fine and parallel plays and waits her turn to the point of letting all the other kids go first and that frustrates her .. it is unsustainable because we don’t go anywhere or do anything with family because of this behaviour.. she is fine with 1:1 interactions. She is not shy she goes into a complete panic mode with shaking and tears and then if I take her home and she is just with me she is at her happiest

OP posts:
PonyPatter44 · 03/04/2026 14:07

Hopefully the OPs partner is a better parent and is able to give their daughter something akin to a normal life, because its glaringly clear that the OP is extremely unwell, and can't parent normally. If it wasn't autism it would be something else...

Lookayonder · 03/04/2026 14:13

OneOliveKoala · 03/04/2026 13:59

She is fine if I stop and talk to people on the streets , shops etc but if we decide to stay in a coffee shop then she cries , starts shaking and wants to go home … if we go to playgroups with other kids she is fine and parallel plays and waits her turn to the point of letting all the other kids go first and that frustrates her .. it is unsustainable because we don’t go anywhere or do anything with family because of this behaviour.. she is fine with 1:1 interactions. She is not shy she goes into a complete panic mode with shaking and tears and then if I take her home and she is just with me she is at her happiest

I'm not psychologist but I'd hazard a guess this all learned behaviour from yourself. It's very clear you much you hyperfocus, overanalye and obsess over the tiniest of things. Every single action from your daughter is overanalysed.

Given you can't see and haven't for a long time how abnormal this is, she'll be picking up on your own anxieties. And I can imagine if you don't seek support for yourself, it'll only get a whole lot worse.

OneOliveKoala · 03/04/2026 14:18

PonyPatter44 · 03/04/2026 14:07

Hopefully the OPs partner is a better parent and is able to give their daughter something akin to a normal life, because its glaringly clear that the OP is extremely unwell, and can't parent normally. If it wasn't autism it would be something else...

It is also glaringly clear that I have a polite toddler whom I taught good manners and always polite towards others ..

OP posts:
Lookayonder · 03/04/2026 14:20

OneOliveKoala · 03/04/2026 14:18

It is also glaringly clear that I have a polite toddler whom I taught good manners and always polite towards others ..

It's also glaringly obvious you are trying to medicalise and pathologise a completely normal healthy devloping child.

You've already written her off as someone who won't cope with school when she's already 3. It's beyond cruel to write a child off like that when they are no apparent signs.

Coffeeandbooks88 · 03/04/2026 14:25

OneOliveKoala · 03/04/2026 13:35

it is a difficult one

Playgroups are fine and with adults or older kids she is very sociable but if a kid her age or smaller tries and go on to the slide she cries or shouts “ no mommy it is the little girl’s turn . If we go in a shop and people interact with her and asks her questions she is happy to answer

In comparison in any toddler group we went to my son preferred to play with taps and sinks in the bathrooms than play with other children.

Tootiredforthis23 · 03/04/2026 16:00

OneOliveKoala · 03/04/2026 12:20

I understand your post and I have asked the same question to the paediatrician and got told over and over again that just being highly sensitive and separation anxiety even if they don’t grow out it don’t point to autism so I don’t know what to think

So a professional has told you over and over that it can be entirely normal. Parents on here, of both NT and ND children have told you, over and over that it’s normal. What do you actually want? Do you just want a diagnosis for the sake of it? Because that wouldn’t help your daughter. Is it that you’re struggling with her behaviour and want to ‘excuse it’ in a way? I wonder if when she’s not behaving when you’re out you get stressed because she’s not behaving ‘normally’ and she’s picked up on your anxiety and now you’re stuck in a cycle. Toddlers can be bloody hard work at times and you just have to roll with it until they grow out of it. You lower your expectations, things like holidays and coffee shops might be better for when she’s older. Although personally, I would just persevere and not let her dictate that you’re going home. She’ll get used to it.

Even if she is diagnosed with ASD or anything when she’s older, there’s not much you can do now. Interventions at this age are for children who are developmentally delayed, usually in language, which your DD isn’t. There’s nothing a paediatrician can do now to ‘fix’ her or reduce any future ASD traits that she MIGHT have.

You need to see a doctor yourself for the anxiety. One day you’re going to look back on her younger years and realised you spent so much of it in a state of anxiety.

OneOliveKoala · 03/04/2026 16:42

Lots of parents I have encountered did comment on how very verbal highly sensitive and anxious toddler are classic signs of adhd or autism level 1 in girls even without issues with attention or executive functions and when I asked the paediatrician he said it is not the case .. they can co exist but their are not traits so what I am trying to do is trying to understand what’s within the realm of normal and what’s not

OP posts:
Lookayonder · 03/04/2026 17:15

OneOliveKoala · 03/04/2026 16:42

Lots of parents I have encountered did comment on how very verbal highly sensitive and anxious toddler are classic signs of adhd or autism level 1 in girls even without issues with attention or executive functions and when I asked the paediatrician he said it is not the case .. they can co exist but their are not traits so what I am trying to do is trying to understand what’s within the realm of normal and what’s not

You've been told by a paediatrician there is nothing to worry about. You've been told by other health professionals there is nothing to worry about.

You've been told by professionals on here your child appears to be developing normally.

You've literally been told on all the countless threads you've posted over the past 18 months that everything you describe is normal.

What more is there to understand? Why not just enjoy your toddler for who she is?

I'm quite happy to post links to your previous threads if you want but it seems nothing sinks in.

Vartden · 03/04/2026 17:32

Why do you want something to be wrong with her? Because you obviously do.

Endofyear · 03/04/2026 17:40

OneOliveKoala · 03/04/2026 16:42

Lots of parents I have encountered did comment on how very verbal highly sensitive and anxious toddler are classic signs of adhd or autism level 1 in girls even without issues with attention or executive functions and when I asked the paediatrician he said it is not the case .. they can co exist but their are not traits so what I am trying to do is trying to understand what’s within the realm of normal and what’s not

OP, Paediatricians are experts in diagnosing neurodiverse conditions in young children. Why would you not believe what an expert medical professional is telling you?

PonyPatter44 · 03/04/2026 20:39

Vartden · 03/04/2026 17:32

Why do you want something to be wrong with her? Because you obviously do.

Because the OP is ill and her illness is presenting as an obsession with her daughter's possible neurodivergence (of which there is no evidence).

OrangeSlices998 · 03/04/2026 20:48

OneOliveKoala · 03/04/2026 16:42

Lots of parents I have encountered did comment on how very verbal highly sensitive and anxious toddler are classic signs of adhd or autism level 1 in girls even without issues with attention or executive functions and when I asked the paediatrician he said it is not the case .. they can co exist but their are not traits so what I am trying to do is trying to understand what’s within the realm of normal and what’s not

She’s a typical 3 year old based on my experience of them. Coffee shops can be incredibly boring for a 3 year old unless they have colouring/books/toys to entertain. I don’t know many parents who are able to have relaxed leisurely coffees in cafes with small kids.

Would it make you feel better if we all decided she was abnormal and needed assessment; stat? It sounds like (based on my own experience) she’s a sweet sensitive YOUNG kid whose still learning about the world, she needs patience and a balance between what she’s comfortable with and what’s new and risky. Stop analysing her like a lab rat!

EmmaOvary · 03/04/2026 20:50

So OP, let’s just say you ARE right and she IS ND. What then?

Tootiredforthis23 · 03/04/2026 21:59

As ridiculous as it might sound yes at least a bit like the time for an espresso !! I tried on my own and she wants to come out of the buggy and the moment she out she says “ mommy come with me “ to explore . To be honest last time we did it she was insistent that me or her dad joined her to explore that she went into a fit when we said no and as much as I shouldn’t care about people staring at me I don’t think I can do it on a weekly basis

This is a quote from one of your previous threads linked by a pp above. You also say on another that you had no experience of other babies before and you say you didn’t think your experience of motherhood would ‘be like this’ because you can’t go and sit in a coffee shop and have her behave perfectly.

I think what’s actually going on here is you have a real life child rather than the perfect little darling you imagined. It’s normal for a 3 year old to be unsure of new people and situations, it’s normal for them to want to get out of a pushchair, not sit and wait for you to have a coffee, and normal to tantrum when told no. And you can’t deal with this, because it’s not what you expected so you get embarrassed and anxious of what other people think. And you’re looking for an excuse so that it’s not your fault. But it is, because you haven’t adjusted your expectations of life with a toddler.

Stop being so anxious about perfectly normal toddler reactions and stop obsessing over her behaviour. Start taking her to more toddler friendly places, there’s loads of soft plays and role play villages that serve nice coffee and cakes. If she’s still behaving like this at 6 I’d be concerned but at 3 it’s completely normal, just let her grow up without all this anxiety, she will definitely be picking up on it.

Pinkflamingo10 · 03/04/2026 22:15

Your child sounds normal.
what is not normal is you and your anxiety surrounding her. I think you need to seek professional help for yourself.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread