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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

3 year old highly sensitive traits

124 replies

OneOliveKoala · 30/03/2026 09:34

Hi everyone, I’m looking for some balanced opinions on my 3-year-old daughter’s development. I’m not looking for a diagnosis, just trying to understand whether what I’m seeing is within typical range or something that might need further assessment.

She speaks in full sentences and can have back-and-forth conversations with people She talks to strangers appropriately and engages socially, and she can share toys when prompted , always with wits her turn to the point of letting all the kids go first on the slide because they are quicker than her and she get frustrated as a consequence.

In play, she is very imaginative. She plays with animal figurines and creates little storylines and questions around them. She can play independently for quite long periods at home.

Behaviour-wise, she always listens to instructions ( always follow through non stimulating tasks etc ) and always says sorry and please and thank you unprompted. she sometimes gets up during meals and may say “no” quite strongly when she does not want to do something but that can be normal . She can become very silly or excited, especially when there are visitors or new people in the house, but she is generally calmer and more settled when it is just me and her at home. In more stimulating environments, she can appear not to listen as well, although she does not tend to have meltdowns or tantrums at home. Outside she does cooperate and if she cries it js out of fear or panic

She also has some sensory preferences. She dislikes loud noises and can get overwhelmed by them. She sometimes does not like wearing shoes because she is scared they might flash . and she does not like wet food or dirty hands. ( she eats everything food wise ).

In group settings, she struggles more in nursery and does not always listen there, although she does fine in playgroups and can engage socially once settled . Her behaviour seems to vary quite a lot depending on the environment.

She adapts well when plans change, for example she is not usually upset if something we planned like a playgroup does not happen. She understands rules at home and can show empathy, for example noticing if someone is sad.

Overall I’m just trying to understand whether this kind of profile is still within the normal range for a 3-year- She sometimes does not like wearing shoes, and she does not like wet food or dirty hands. When she is excited, she sometimes makes repetitive movements with her wrists or ankles.
In group settings, she struggles more in nursery and does not always listen there, although she does fine in playgroups and can engage socially with her peers Her behaviour seems to vary quite a lot depending on the environment.

She adapts well when plans change, for example she is not usually upset if something we planned like a playgroup does not happen. She understands rules at home and she behaves perfectly ( she sleeps well and never leaves her bed if she wakes up early ) . For example she was home with just me for a week and not even once she complained when we had to do things . Her dad came home an all hell broke loose . She shouts and doesn’t want to go out with him and this behaviour was happening prior to him leaving .

Overall I’m just trying to understand whether this kind of profile is still within the normal range for a 3-year-old . I can tell there is something at play here She is not at all like her peers but it could be temperament related . I have tried all the medical routes and gone privately as well with a developmental paediatrician in London and nothing came of it .

my husband is getting very disheartened about the whole situation and I don’t know what to do to change things

OP posts:
Lookayonder · 02/04/2026 17:30

OneOliveKoala · 02/04/2026 15:33

I don’t think it is within the realm of normal that she can’t tell the difference between a boy and girl still

It's completely normal. Mine couldn't at this age and he's totally developmentally on track, no signs of autism or adhd.

Your expectations of your child are completely way off. As per all your usual posts.

AttachmentFTW · 02/04/2026 17:39

takealettermsjones · 30/03/2026 09:44

Stop posting threads about your poor daughter and get some help, for you. Reported.

I have also reported. This is the fifth time you gave posted something similar. Your daughter sounds well within the realms of normal but if you persist in seeking diagnosis for her you are going to make her unwell!

OneOliveKoala · 03/04/2026 08:02

AttachmentFTW · 02/04/2026 17:39

I have also reported. This is the fifth time you gave posted something similar. Your daughter sounds well within the realms of normal but if you persist in seeking diagnosis for her you are going to make her unwell!

I don’t understand how this could be in the real of normal like we have always tried to expose her to new environments like playgrounds and playgroups and now if she sees other kids she wouldn’t even want to get close and asks to go home all the times

OP posts:
Bedroomdilemmas113 · 03/04/2026 08:29

Kindly, there is a chance your daughter may be autistic. Many people are. It’s really impossible to know from what you post here, and unless severely autistic it’s rare to really know at 3 anyway. There are a few small things from your many, many posts that could be neurodivergence but neurodivergence is not diagnosed by a tick box, it’s also situational. She may develop more traits as she gets older. She may not. What is odd is this obsession that she may be. It’s far more normal for neurodiverse toddlers’ parents to be completely unaware until they get a bit older, because unless at the much lower functioning end of the spectrum - most behaviour could also just be ‘normal
toddler behaviour’ so the traits only become significantly out of the ordinary when the norm is that a child would have grown out of them by X age (this is also why ADHD assessments cannot be started until 6+).

I will be honest and say you sound as though you either have extreme psychiatric issues yourself (this is truly not normal), or a reason to believe she is autistic. Are you? To me, your rigid thinking and obsession in posting these posts, failure to ‘read the room’ and listen to how crazy it all sounds, one track minded behaviour etc suggests either you have mental health struggles which are heightening or you know you are neurodiverse and therefore the likelihood is that she will be too, so you’re desperately trying to find out that answer - but you’re missing that key point from your posts so people are really confused.

If you’re autistic, the likelihood is that she will be too. However it is a HUGE spectrum and from how she sounds as though she’s currently developing, she is clearly functioning well.

SpanThatWorld · 03/04/2026 09:01

OneOliveKoala · 02/04/2026 15:33

I don’t think it is within the realm of normal that she can’t tell the difference between a boy and girl still

Very experienced EY professional here.

Yes, well within the realm of normal. Adults make use of lots of social cues which children aren't aware of. Clothes, hair, names, rucksacks and water bottles...

I sighed within 2 sentences of this post. You have been told over and over again that your child's development appears to be within normal limits.

Lots of children don't like mess and noise. Lots are funny about shoes. Lots are quiet and prefer to be in low key situations.

I'm nearly 60 and still regard 3 as the perfect number of people in a room. It doesn't matter how many people take me to different busy environments, I still dont want to talk to lots of new people. Am I neurodivergent? Who knows? It's the personality that I come with and that's fine.

Lookayonder · 03/04/2026 09:19

SpanThatWorld · 03/04/2026 09:01

Very experienced EY professional here.

Yes, well within the realm of normal. Adults make use of lots of social cues which children aren't aware of. Clothes, hair, names, rucksacks and water bottles...

I sighed within 2 sentences of this post. You have been told over and over again that your child's development appears to be within normal limits.

Lots of children don't like mess and noise. Lots are funny about shoes. Lots are quiet and prefer to be in low key situations.

I'm nearly 60 and still regard 3 as the perfect number of people in a room. It doesn't matter how many people take me to different busy environments, I still dont want to talk to lots of new people. Am I neurodivergent? Who knows? It's the personality that I come with and that's fine.

It's such a shame when you snd other professionals and parents with experience offer advice and it's completely ignored. I think it's so worrying that the OP has dragged a perfectly healthy developing child to numerous health professionals over the years and has been told the same thing.

It's clear as well the OP has absolutely no understanding whatsoever of child development or she'd have some insight into how damaging her own behaviour was towards her daughter. She reads up on things like AFRID, gestalt language and echolachia, clearly doesn't have full understanding of them and then applies her misunderstanding as a reason her daughter is autistic or has adhd.

She then ignores all advice and instead just posts random comments that weren't in the OP. It's such a shame its been going on for years. There's absolutely no warmth of when she speaks about her daughter, just endless reports and observations like she's a labatory rat. This obsession her daughter must be neurodivergent and the fact she can't take on board is so worrying. I so feel for her daughter especially as she gets older and starts school.

OneOliveKoala · 03/04/2026 09:54

Lookayonder · 03/04/2026 09:19

It's such a shame when you snd other professionals and parents with experience offer advice and it's completely ignored. I think it's so worrying that the OP has dragged a perfectly healthy developing child to numerous health professionals over the years and has been told the same thing.

It's clear as well the OP has absolutely no understanding whatsoever of child development or she'd have some insight into how damaging her own behaviour was towards her daughter. She reads up on things like AFRID, gestalt language and echolachia, clearly doesn't have full understanding of them and then applies her misunderstanding as a reason her daughter is autistic or has adhd.

She then ignores all advice and instead just posts random comments that weren't in the OP. It's such a shame its been going on for years. There's absolutely no warmth of when she speaks about her daughter, just endless reports and observations like she's a labatory rat. This obsession her daughter must be neurodivergent and the fact she can't take on board is so worrying. I so feel for her daughter especially as she gets older and starts school.

So is it normal that she starts crying immediately if there are any kids on the same playground ?

OP posts:
OneOliveKoala · 03/04/2026 10:00

Bedroomdilemmas113 · 03/04/2026 08:29

Kindly, there is a chance your daughter may be autistic. Many people are. It’s really impossible to know from what you post here, and unless severely autistic it’s rare to really know at 3 anyway. There are a few small things from your many, many posts that could be neurodivergence but neurodivergence is not diagnosed by a tick box, it’s also situational. She may develop more traits as she gets older. She may not. What is odd is this obsession that she may be. It’s far more normal for neurodiverse toddlers’ parents to be completely unaware until they get a bit older, because unless at the much lower functioning end of the spectrum - most behaviour could also just be ‘normal
toddler behaviour’ so the traits only become significantly out of the ordinary when the norm is that a child would have grown out of them by X age (this is also why ADHD assessments cannot be started until 6+).

I will be honest and say you sound as though you either have extreme psychiatric issues yourself (this is truly not normal), or a reason to believe she is autistic. Are you? To me, your rigid thinking and obsession in posting these posts, failure to ‘read the room’ and listen to how crazy it all sounds, one track minded behaviour etc suggests either you have mental health struggles which are heightening or you know you are neurodiverse and therefore the likelihood is that she will be too, so you’re desperately trying to find out that answer - but you’re missing that key point from your posts so people are really confused.

If you’re autistic, the likelihood is that she will be too. However it is a HUGE spectrum and from how she sounds as though she’s currently developing, she is clearly functioning well.

I doubt it as my fear is driven by the fact that I don’t have the means to help her but you can have autism without a family history

OP posts:
OneOliveKoala · 03/04/2026 10:05

We taught her to wait her turns and she has always been able to do it to the point of letting all the kids have their turns and she gets frustrated if there is another boy on the same slide as her and she shouts “ no mommy it sh the boy’s turn “

OP posts:
Hiemal · 03/04/2026 10:06

OneOliveKoala · 03/04/2026 10:00

I doubt it as my fear is driven by the fact that I don’t have the means to help her but you can have autism without a family history

Literally the best thing you can do for her is to get help. Not for her, but for yourself.

Lookayonder · 03/04/2026 10:07

OneOliveKoala · 03/04/2026 09:54

So is it normal that she starts crying immediately if there are any kids on the same playground ?

A sensitive nature doesn't mean she's autistic, or have adhd etc. Absolutely nothing else in your post indicates anything developmentally abnormal.

You are aware children are individuals and have different personalities. Some are just more sensitive than others. What do you mean by "normal" anyway. Is your child not allowed to be her own person?

I feel so sorry for her. You've never demonstrated any love or warmth for her through any of your posts. There seems to much pressure on her to meet your exceptionally rigid and high expectations of what she "should" be doing or be like. And when she demonstrates her own personality which is sensitive, you can't accept this and instead analyse her and drag her to numerous health professionals in the search of some unknown diagnosis.

Are you really so far down the rabbit hole in this relentless obsession that you can't see how your damaging your own child?

Lookayonder · 03/04/2026 10:08

OneOliveKoala · 03/04/2026 10:05

We taught her to wait her turns and she has always been able to do it to the point of letting all the kids have their turns and she gets frustrated if there is another boy on the same slide as her and she shouts “ no mommy it sh the boy’s turn “

Is this meant to be a concern?

She's 3. She's behaving like any normal 3 year old would.

OneOliveKoala · 03/04/2026 10:12

Lookayonder · 03/04/2026 10:07

A sensitive nature doesn't mean she's autistic, or have adhd etc. Absolutely nothing else in your post indicates anything developmentally abnormal.

You are aware children are individuals and have different personalities. Some are just more sensitive than others. What do you mean by "normal" anyway. Is your child not allowed to be her own person?

I feel so sorry for her. You've never demonstrated any love or warmth for her through any of your posts. There seems to much pressure on her to meet your exceptionally rigid and high expectations of what she "should" be doing or be like. And when she demonstrates her own personality which is sensitive, you can't accept this and instead analyse her and drag her to numerous health professionals in the search of some unknown diagnosis.

Are you really so far down the rabbit hole in this relentless obsession that you can't see how your damaging your own child?

Edited

I have always thought she was very sensitive more than the norm and never thought it was an issue until people started to comment and I saw how it hindered her time at new places like playgrounds etc

OP posts:
Hiemal · 03/04/2026 10:14

OneOliveKoala · 03/04/2026 10:12

I have always thought she was very sensitive more than the norm and never thought it was an issue until people started to comment and I saw how it hindered her time at new places like playgrounds etc

What’s hindering her is having a deeply unwell mother who needs professional help.

User33538216 · 03/04/2026 10:14

OneOliveKoala · 03/04/2026 10:05

We taught her to wait her turns and she has always been able to do it to the point of letting all the kids have their turns and she gets frustrated if there is another boy on the same slide as her and she shouts “ no mommy it sh the boy’s turn “

So she can tell if a child is a boy or girl?

She sounds very similar to mine when she was three. Hated shoes etc. They don’t really play that much with other children at three.

She’s completely fine.

Lookayonder · 03/04/2026 10:16

OneOliveKoala · 03/04/2026 10:00

I doubt it as my fear is driven by the fact that I don’t have the means to help her but you can have autism without a family history

What sort of high level and intense support do you think that a perfectly normal developing child is going to need?

Most children who require such high levels of support and can't cope with school usually will have shown signs long before now and there would have been several flags with their development. There are none that no one can see with your daughter and you have been told this by numerous health professionals.

The only problem that will become apparent at school and when professionals communicate with her will be your parenting of her and your relentless obsession that she is somehow autistic or neurodivergent.

The problem isn't your daughter, it's you and I don't know when that will sink in.

You've already put labels on your daughter and written her off at 3 as someone who won't cope with school and is somehow going to fail in life over a few very minor concerns. Can you not see how damaging that is. How badly that will impact her self esteem.

That's not loving and supporting your child no matter how you frame it.

Lookayonder · 03/04/2026 10:19

OneOliveKoala · 03/04/2026 10:12

I have always thought she was very sensitive more than the norm and never thought it was an issue until people started to comment and I saw how it hindered her time at new places like playgrounds etc

All sensitive people and children can become frightened and scared of new places. It doesn't mean anything at all.

OneOliveKoala · 03/04/2026 10:19

User33538216 · 03/04/2026 10:14

So she can tell if a child is a boy or girl?

She sounds very similar to mine when she was three. Hated shoes etc. They don’t really play that much with other children at three.

She’s completely fine.

Was your little one scared of other children too ?

OP posts:
Hiemal · 03/04/2026 10:21

OneOliveKoala · 03/04/2026 10:19

Was your little one scared of other children too ?

And there you go again with the deeply unwell hyperfocus on anything that fuels your obsession with your child being autistic, and ignoring the much more helpful posts pointing to your own behaviour being profoundly troubling and
likely to be damaging to her.

Lookayonder · 03/04/2026 10:22

OneOliveKoala · 03/04/2026 10:19

Was your little one scared of other children too ?

This is NORMAL. Your daughter is THREE.

Is there something quite wrong with you to not grasp this? It's completely normal for a 3 year old to be wary of new people and strangers. In fact it's normally a sign of a healthy attached child.

You must be exhausted looking for problems where there are none. Do you over analyse every single behaviour? Is your partner on board with this obsession too?

Ihatetomatoes · 03/04/2026 10:23

Tigerbalmshark · 30/03/2026 09:38

Sounds completely normal honestly! And if a paediatrician has also assessed her and not found anything, that would also reassure me.

This.

Lookayonder · 03/04/2026 10:37

I think what's more worrying is that in one of her many previous usernames, she mentioned being a psychologist or something similar. I may be wrong but I was slightly taken aback that someone displaying this sort of behaviours, lack of understanding of child development and a failure to take on board the advice of multiple health professionals and had a job like that was very troubling to me.

OneOliveKoala · 03/04/2026 10:50

Lookayonder · 03/04/2026 10:22

This is NORMAL. Your daughter is THREE.

Is there something quite wrong with you to not grasp this? It's completely normal for a 3 year old to be wary of new people and strangers. In fact it's normally a sign of a healthy attached child.

You must be exhausted looking for problems where there are none. Do you over analyse every single behaviour? Is your partner on board with this obsession too?

Edited

She is not just weary but burst into tears at the sight of another kid on the slide or next to her

OP posts:
Lookayonder · 03/04/2026 10:53

OneOliveKoala · 03/04/2026 10:50

She is not just weary but burst into tears at the sight of another kid on the slide or next to her

Again it's normal. She has a sensitive nature, that's all.

Again and I'm going to ask. Is there something wrong with you that your failure to grasp that a child being sensitive doesn't mean they are neurodivergent?

Are you not concerned about you've already labelled and pigeon holed your daughter as someone who won't be able to cope with school, will need a reduced timetable and masses of support when noone or nothing has indicated this is damaging to your child?

OneOliveKoala · 03/04/2026 11:07

Lookayonder · 03/04/2026 10:53

Again it's normal. She has a sensitive nature, that's all.

Again and I'm going to ask. Is there something wrong with you that your failure to grasp that a child being sensitive doesn't mean they are neurodivergent?

Are you not concerned about you've already labelled and pigeon holed your daughter as someone who won't be able to cope with school, will need a reduced timetable and masses of support when noone or nothing has indicated this is damaging to your child?

But the whole point is that she doesn’t enjoy anything that has people or other kids in it so we don’t go on holidays , lunches , coffee shops like anywhere despite the fact that we have always tried to expose her .. it is no fun for her or us .. I do know there are some sensitive kids slow to warm up but this is unsustainable in that we can’t do anything that she bursts into tears even if we go to a simple and quiet coffee shop

OP posts: