To preface, in no way do I think i’m owed childcare or that our parents shouldn’t enjoy their retirement. They’ve all worked hard and deserve lots of ‘me time’
AIBU to be a bit annoyed by being let down by Grandparents?
We don’t ask either of our mums to babysit that often. My mum has babysat three times in 2.5yrs, never in an evening, overnight or more than three hours. We chose to have children and their our responsibility for sure, but there are times we need support.
Bit of background:
My mum was brilliant when she first retired two years ago. She happily came up once a week to help out, especially as I was so unwell post birth with my first. I’ve never asked that of her, it was always something she wanted to do. Lately, she’s stopped visiting as frequently and when she does, appears completely bored and disinterested. She’ll offer to watch my children (two under two) for 30mins so I can speed clean my house, which I was very grateful for. But the last few times, she’s either sat on her phone talking to her friend whilst the kids are left unsupervised or doom scrolling on social media whilst my baby has helped himself to a packet of paracetamol from her handbag and is sat chewing the packet, whilst my toddler is crying for her attention.
She offered to have my toddler when I went into labour with my 2nd. During my final weeks of pregnancy, she’d decided to book herself a last minute holiday as it had been a couple of months since she’d been away. She knows how unpredictable babies can be. It was her literal career for several decades, but she said she wanted to go as it was quiet with her hobbies. I ended up going into labour whilst she was away and she threw a massive strop about how her holiday was ruined. My in-laws offered to look after our toddler but only until she got back as they had plans later in the day for dinner. You can imagine how stressful that was. My mum kept calling me to say how she was tired travelling back and why couldn’t I wait until she’d come back. My MIL kept texting my husband for updates on when my mum was coming or if he’d come back as soon as the baby was born or sooner if it came to close to their cutoff.
My MIL hasn’t been the most pleasant to me since having my 1st. Though she’s massively improved, she still occasionally throws a few sly comments my way. She came over relentlessly in the newborn period, not to help, but be hosted. 24hrs postpartum after a long labour and significant PPH, wanting to know what DH was serving for lunch. Proceeded to stay the entire day, telling me how unwell I looked, doing absolutely nothing to help, watching my husband fight for his life with a confused and overstimulated toddler and me barely able to walk. DH called it a day when she asked what was for dinner 😅 When she left, she said she was so glad she was able to help. That was a pattern until my youngest started wanting to explore rather than be held. Then she disappeared. Same with my 1st.
Because of all the above, we just don’t bother asking for support. If they offer it, great, but we don’t expect it.
I’ve been trying to be seen by the gynae team since my 2nd born was four weeks old with a suspected prolapse. DH was called into an urgent meeting the first attempt at an appointment so it was rescheduled. The 2nd date given, he was away with work and neither mums were available. The last two appointments I’d asked both mums who said to just give them the date and time and they’d make it work. Both cancelled last minute. The latest one, my mum promised she’d make it work and agreed to look after the kids for an hour so I could go. She text yesterday to say her friend has a birthday lunch so she can no longer have the kids as she doesn’t want to miss it and to ask MIL instead. I’ve asked MIL who said she’d do it, but has text today to say it’s her monthly WI country walk and she’s going to that instead. DH is trying to rearrange his work trip, but as it’s been booked months in advance is looking unlikely. The nature of his work means that he’s away often.
I just feel so let down by both mums. My Dad is useless and we’ve been low contact for several years. He remarried years ago and decided he wanted to focus on his new family. FIL is the eldest grandparent by 10yrs and isn’t the bio father of DH and his siblings, so didn’t come into their lives until they were early teens - he says he doesn’t have a clue what to do with children.
Ive mentioned to them before how we’re trying to arrange paid for childcare, but struggling. Both mums have rubbished that idea and said that’s what they’re here for, but have yet to step up. They see paid for childcare as embarrassing to me and to them (it implies that they don’t help apparently)
Both parents promised they’d support us, but haven’t. We’ve brought it up to both of them separately. It’s met with “you just don’t understand how busy I am in retirement” and “I’ve done my bit”
Ive expressed to my mum how frustrated I am. I don’t take advantage, I don’t ask unless I’m desperate, which she always says to do but there’s always something more important. She said she did it without help (she didn’t, we spent a lot of time at grandparents during the holidays) She said I’m being unreasonable to be annoyed as she’s raised her kids and worked for forty years in healthcare, it’s her time now. My MIL said something similar to my husband and told him to stop whining. Fine, but they both said yes yet again and then cancelled when a better offer came in. It’s literally an hour with their grandkids who they all make hardly any time to see. There’s no hands on care involved. The baby will be napping for the whole time and my toddler is quite content playing with his toys.
AIBU to feel let down? I don’t ask for regular childcare, we’re not asking so we can go out on a date together. I’m literally in so much discomfort, I need medical help. I’ve asked, but I can’t take the children with me to the appointment. It’s an hour out of their time.
Sorry if it’s a bit rambly and all over the place.