Grandparents involvement

[Chunkychips23]

To preface, in no way do I think i’m owed childcare or that our parents shouldn’t enjoy their retirement. They’ve all worked hard and deserve lots of ‘me time’

AIBU to be a bit annoyed by being let down by Grandparents?

We don’t ask either of our mums to babysit that often. My mum has babysat three times in 2.5yrs, never in an evening, overnight or more than three hours. We chose to have children and their our responsibility for sure, but there are times we need support.

Bit of background:

My mum was brilliant when she first retired two years ago. She happily came up once a week to help out, especially as I was so unwell post birth with my first. I’ve never asked that of her, it was always something she wanted to do. Lately, she’s stopped visiting as frequently and when she does, appears completely bored and disinterested. She’ll offer to watch my children (two under two) for 30mins so I can speed clean my house, which I was very grateful for. But the last few times, she’s either sat on her phone talking to her friend whilst the kids are left unsupervised or doom scrolling on social media whilst my baby has helped himself to a packet of paracetamol from her handbag and is sat chewing the packet, whilst my toddler is crying for her attention.

She offered to have my toddler when I went into labour with my 2nd. During my final weeks of pregnancy, she’d decided to book herself a last minute holiday as it had been a couple of months since she’d been away. She knows how unpredictable babies can be. It was her literal career for several decades, but she said she wanted to go as it was quiet with her hobbies. I ended up going into labour whilst she was away and she threw a massive strop about how her holiday was ruined. My in-laws offered to look after our toddler but only until she got back as they had plans later in the day for dinner. You can imagine how stressful that was. My mum kept calling me to say how she was tired travelling back and why couldn’t I wait until she’d come back. My MIL kept texting my husband for updates on when my mum was coming or if he’d come back as soon as the baby was born or sooner if it came to close to their cutoff.

My MIL hasn’t been the most pleasant to me since having my 1st. Though she’s massively improved, she still occasionally throws a few sly comments my way. She came over relentlessly in the newborn period, not to help, but be hosted. 24hrs postpartum after a long labour and significant PPH, wanting to know what DH was serving for lunch. Proceeded to stay the entire day, telling me how unwell I looked, doing absolutely nothing to help, watching my husband fight for his life with a confused and overstimulated toddler and me barely able to walk. DH called it a day when she asked what was for dinner 😅 When she left, she said she was so glad she was able to help. That was a pattern until my youngest started wanting to explore rather than be held. Then she disappeared. Same with my 1st.

Because of all the above, we just don’t bother asking for support. If they offer it, great, but we don’t expect it.

I’ve been trying to be seen by the gynae team since my 2nd born was four weeks old with a suspected prolapse. DH was called into an urgent meeting the first attempt at an appointment so it was rescheduled. The 2nd date given, he was away with work and neither mums were available. The last two appointments I’d asked both mums who said to just give them the date and time and they’d make it work. Both cancelled last minute. The latest one, my mum promised she’d make it work and agreed to look after the kids for an hour so I could go. She text yesterday to say her friend has a birthday lunch so she can no longer have the kids as she doesn’t want to miss it and to ask MIL instead. I’ve asked MIL who said she’d do it, but has text today to say it’s her monthly WI country walk and she’s going to that instead. DH is trying to rearrange his work trip, but as it’s been booked months in advance is looking unlikely. The nature of his work means that he’s away often.

I just feel so let down by both mums. My Dad is useless and we’ve been low contact for several years. He remarried years ago and decided he wanted to focus on his new family. FIL is the eldest grandparent by 10yrs and isn’t the bio father of DH and his siblings, so didn’t come into their lives until they were early teens - he says he doesn’t have a clue what to do with children.

Ive mentioned to them before how we’re trying to arrange paid for childcare, but struggling. Both mums have rubbished that idea and said that’s what they’re here for, but have yet to step up. They see paid for childcare as embarrassing to me and to them (it implies that they don’t help apparently)

Both parents promised they’d support us, but haven’t. We’ve brought it up to both of them separately. It’s met with “you just don’t understand how busy I am in retirement” and “I’ve done my bit”

Ive expressed to my mum how frustrated I am. I don’t take advantage, I don’t ask unless I’m desperate, which she always says to do but there’s always something more important. She said she did it without help (she didn’t, we spent a lot of time at grandparents during the holidays) She said I’m being unreasonable to be annoyed as she’s raised her kids and worked for forty years in healthcare, it’s her time now. My MIL said something similar to my husband and told him to stop whining. Fine, but they both said yes yet again and then cancelled when a better offer came in. It’s literally an hour with their grandkids who they all make hardly any time to see. There’s no hands on care involved. The baby will be napping for the whole time and my toddler is quite content playing with his toys.

AIBU to feel let down? I don’t ask for regular childcare, we’re not asking so we can go out on a date together. I’m literally in so much discomfort, I need medical help. I’ve asked, but I can’t take the children with me to the appointment. It’s an hour out of their time.

Sorry if it’s a bit rambly and all over the place.

I think given they are so flaky you are going to have to find paid help and simply stop asking them at all. They should be embarrassed and it will look exactly like what it is, a young family who can’t rely on their parents help.

I feel your pain. I don’t really understand how “it’s their time now” is an excuse for not wanting to be a decent mother and grandmother. For me, and maybe because I’m in a similar position, I’ll be thrilled to support my daughter in whatever way she needs. Not having to work will honestly just mean I can devote more time to family. I wonder how she’ll feel if the “it’s my time/I’m busy having fun” attitude comes her way when she needs you in old age…

Err, all of this is your dh's job. Why does he keep putting work first? He needs to step up. They are HIS children.

I've managed on my own since ex decided parenting was too tough, and all grandparents are dead. I have still coped as a lone parent for 17 years including a cancer diagnosis, surgery, chemo and radiotherapy, and worked full time all the way through. It can be done, it just takes planning.

The grandparents clearly have their own lives so stop expecting help and then you won't be disappointed.

So many of that generation have become phone zombies, it's a silent epidemic.

They sound completely shit I'm sorry. You probably need to make your peace with it. They won't have a fulfilling relationship with their own grandchildren so their loss ultimately.

I think you need to re look at nursery and childminders and babysitters. There must be something.

I haven’t RTFT but I suspect there will be some comments about how entitled you are to expect childcare and how the kids are your choice and your responsibility blah blah blah.
If your own mother cannot be there to help when you are in labour or need to attend a medical appointment then it’s piss poor. I can’t ever imagine doing that to my children however old they are. While I’m fit and able, I will always do what I can to help them.
FWIW my dh and I have no family support. His parents are no longer with us and my mum has complex issues which mean I can’t rely on her in the slightest. In five years we haven’t had a night out together. I am so envious of people who have good support networks not just so they can have a break but because the kids are supported and loved by so many people and get more experiences. It’s very hard op but I think you have to accept you can’t rely on them and find other options.

You’re not being at all unreasonable. But stop asking them, they’ve proved time and time again they’re unreliable and can’t be trusted. If they ask why you’ve made alternative arrangements and no longer ask just be matter of fact.

I think it’s time to find a reliable paid babysitter. Ask for suggestions from your local nursery, I’m sure many do baby sitting on the side.

Could you swap childcare with friends?

it’s a shitty situation, we kind of had the same scenario when ours were smaller although not quite so bad. One set of grandparents were dead. My parents were happy to pop in and be attentive grandparents for the sake of appearances but no real support. Was tough with 3 aged 5 and under. Now they’re older we realise we owe nothing.

i can’t wait to be an involved grandparent when my own grandchildren come along, we’ll definitely be changing the cycle.

It’s cruel and cold and selfish of them. You are definitely not being unreasonable. I’m sorry you are experiencing this. It’s really hard, and people who have support and help have no idea how soul destroying and upsetting this is. We had a similar experience. It made me feel so unloved and uncared for. It caused a lot of sadness and resentment. Now, of course, we have to run both my Mum’s and MIL’s households and lives as they are both ill and have been for many years. We are run ragged and our children are still only late primary age. It’s made me ill and given me a breakdown. When their time comes for help, which it absolutely will, make sure you are ready with boundaries, because in my experience, those who sit on the sidelines and happily watch you struggle during the very early newborn and pre-school ages, will be the ones who demand and expect the most from you when their health fails.

I don't think it's fair to blame the dh here - there are some work meetings that you have to attend if you want to keep your job! And keeping a job is as necessary to the family's wellbeing as physically looking after the children. If the Dh had refused to take off a normal workday, that would be a fair criticism, but a company restructuring meeting and a trip abroad to a client (where 7 other people would also need to have rescheduled), sound like the kind of meetings that you can't miss without seriously pissing off your boss and potentially threatening your job security.

@user555999000 it's not too late to set those boundaries for yourself now. Better late than never, as they say. You can remind both your mum and in laws that they did nothing to help you when you needed it and now all this is getting too much for you, so you will be pulling back and letting them make other arrangements. You don't need to feel guilty about it - you've already done more for them than they did for you!

watching my husband fight for his life with a confused and overstimulated toddler and me barely able to walk

Maybe things are overly dramatic and they are stepping back accordingly? Your DH was in no way fighting for his life, he just had to look after one grumpy toddler and get you some food/drinks. He just needed to tell them they had to help themselves to anything they wanted.

You need to stop relying on them and other working parents and use a babysitter for important medical appointments. Doesn’t matter if your kids don’t like the babysitter, too bad, it’s not for days or months, it’s a few hours, they will cope. Don’t cancel appointments you need.

If you have any mum friends drop them a message right now saying you have this appointment and had arranged childcare but has fallen through and does anyone have any childcare recommendations? Even if someone knows an older teen, you could take them with you and the DC to the appointment and the teen could sit and watch them in the waiting room.
Going forward you need to find some paid childcare. These GP cannot be relied upon for anything.

I read threads like these and I feel so determined, if I'm lucky enough one day to become a grandma, that I'll be helpful.

I'll say to my kids, you tell me what would be most helpful to YOU. I'll clean their house if they need. I'll go round and cook a meal (and clean up after) if that means a daughter in law can just camp out on the sofa with her baby if that's what she wants. If they want me to pace the floor with a fussy baby for 3hrs so they can just go nap or shower? Sure. When they are in the trenches with a 2 year old and a 4 hear old that wake up at the crack of dawn every Sunday morning I'll offer to have the kids at grandma's for a sleepover, or if they'd rather I'll sleep at theirs and be the person gets up at 6am with the kids every now and again so they can have a proper lie in.

I find it so weird that people who are retired wouldn't want to help their kids who have babies /young children in whatever way works for those new parents.

Simply because you need to go to this appointment- is there any chance your FIL or brother could go with you and watch the kids whilst you are in with the doctor? So they are basically providing the most minimal childcare necessary. If baby is napping and they have a couple of books to read with the toddler it should be OK.

Going forwards: make your own childcare plans. We found the most wonderful babysitter on childcare.co.uk. Who cares if the grannies get offended?

You do need to work out a plan going forward that’s not relying on your parents - they are crap and won’t change op so you need to accept this

it’s shit though - my folks are helpful - mil is not - she’s never had the kids once - barely even seen them tbh

shes been asking us for o help her lately though with appointments - things she needs doing in the house etc - and you know what we are too busy - sorry!!

Find a baby sitter, pay for care. My family were fairly useless and we paid for all childcare. Just accept that they are selfish and self centred. They obviously expect us to run around now they are old.

Just tell the grandparents you won't be asking them again as they can't be relied on. And you'll remember when they are 85 and need taking to hospital: the WI walk, lunch with friends or similar are all a legitimate excuse for not helping family.

I always found friends far more reliable than family for support.

The grandmothers are selfish cows. YANBU but you do have other options. Pay for a registered childcare worker to come for a few hours , have the children in a playground solo for an hour during your appointment.
or ask your sibling to come to the hospital with you and take the kids for a walk around during g your appointment. It’s only 30 mins .

You need to build up a social support network.

Can you set some boundaries now? It sounds completely unfair that you received absolutely no help or support from your mum and your MIL but you are expected to turn your lives upside down to care for them.

I would pull right back and stop helping. Put your children first as they are still very young and deserve your full attention rather than it going to your selfish mum and MIL.

I'm sorry OP but they are both being incredibly selfish. Why would they not want to help when their own children are struggling?

I just wondered if they had any support themselves when they were new mums? It would be interesting to know what their own experience was.

MIL in particular sounds awful and your own mother sounds like she’s just given up. Feel for you

I also agree with PP, I'd be remembering their selfishness later when they start asking for support, I'd be far too busy living my life.

They don’t get to have an opinion on you using paid childcare if they’re not helping out.

You need a paid-for solution.

You could have been seen at the first appointment if your DH had said ‘I know it’s a big meeting but my wife has a hospital appointment she needs to attend so I can’t be there.’ Would he have cancelled your holiday to Spain to attend the restructuring meeting? Would anyone have expected him to? No. But he saw your hospital appointment as ‘optional’.

But yes your mums are both big letdowns. I would be really unhappy with them and let them know my disappointment that they didn’t prioritise my health over a birthday lunch and a walk.

They are unkind and selfish. I brought up my two grandsons. My dd2 unselfishly.helped us out treating them as younger brothers.

Whilst I honestly did not want want to do more childcare, when dd2 had her two girls, we did two days a week for her. We wanted to repay her kindness.That is down to one day now. I dont like doing overnights but that is because I have become old and set in my ways. Its not insurmountable.

There is absolutely no way I would ever let her down for a much needed medical appointment. That is unreasonable, bordering on cruel.

Oh God, Op, they sound awful! My Mum and Dad are mostly MIA but if I had a medical appointment, they'd definitely step up. I can't imagine a mother who wouldn't do that for their child, tbh.

Could the grandfather come with you to the appointment and sit in the waiting room the kids then he only has minimal solo childcare to do with the kids contained in the pram.