Neighbour and my child’s autistic meltdowns

[acaciafinch]

I am growing quite concerned about my neighbours due to my child’s meltdowns especially with summer coming and people being out in their garden more and windows being open.
My dd is prone to meltdowns after school and has always done this but it’s got worse recently recently they have taken on a more colourful tone where she will continuously shout and scream swear words at the top of her voice and absolutely nothing will stop her.

I was already concerned about her meltdowns upsetting neighbours in the summer but now I imagine the neighbours will soon be complaining about the language to the housing association and our family being evicted.

There has not been any complaints to my knowledge yet but with summer approaching I am worried.

I cannot stop these meltdowns or the language and I know the neighbours have a right to live in peace and relax in their garden or have visitors in the garden without having to hear her.
I don’t want to be evicted either because then she’ll still have the disability but we’ll be homeless too and we have other children but It feels like it’s going to be inevitable.
Our back garden backs onto another road and so it’s not just immediate neighbours it’s the whole area and so people are bound to make complains hearing screaming and swearing regularly, she repeats fuck over and over with every breath until she comes out of the meltdown which can be 15-30 minutes several times a day.

Can you get ahead of the issue by going and speaking to your neighbours first. People are more likely to be understanding if they’re fully aware of what’s happening

I have spoken to immediate neighbours because we know them but it’s the people over the back who’s gardens all back onto our roads gardens and side roads, we live in a cul de sac with roads all around.
I don’t know any of them in those roads.

Does you DD have a diagnosis? Or an EHCP/attend a specialist school or unit? If so she and you fall under the auspices of the Equality Act 2010 and any attempt to evict you would be discrimination, she has a disability and you are a carer, as are other family members.

I would consider talking to the Housing Association about your concerns and would advise talking to your immediate neighbours. You can explain that this is likely to be a phase she will grow out of, as she gets older. Do you have any outside support, maybe respite care?

Possible courses of action:

try to keep her inside more
write a note and pop it through letterboxes

how audible is your garden from other prole’s gardens? Tall fences and hedges etc can really stop sound.

I think your fear of complaints is rational - I have a young child and I wouldn’t want him to hear another young child screaming obscenities for 15 minutes or more.

Can’t you just keep the windows home after school? Since the timing of the meltdowns appears to be quite predictable. Could you also play really loud music at the same time? I’d rather hear 15 minutes of music than 15’ minutes of someone screaming and shouting the F word.

These are autistic meltdowns?

is she outside when she’s kicking off? if so at least make sure she’s in the house with windows shut

I think you’re right to be concerned as nobody wants to hear anyone screaming or shouting and swearing in their gardens diagnoses or not.

Luckily for you because she’s diagnosed the council are unlikely to evict you.

Also I wouldn’t bank on a letter or note making it any nicer or your neighbours any kinder. The noise at the end of the day is still noise and swearing regardless of why. Just as babies cannot help crying it doesn’t make it easier to tolerate though normally there is an end in sight.

Keep the child indoor and shut doors/windows.

Yes, you will get in trouble if your child "screaming and swearing regularly, she repeats fuck over and over with every breath until she comes out of the meltdown which can be 15-30 minutes several times a day".

I have a right to keep my children safe from this on a daily basis several times and I have a right to enjoy being in my garden with a coffee or having a door open to the garden without being drawn into this for 15-30 several times a day.

I have ND children. I know the challenges but they are not the neighbours'.

Things to think about (I'm not offering them as solutions because they may not be applicable to your situation). Can the meltdown be averted by:
-reducing the amount of distress caused by school (more support)?
-reducing the amount of distress caused by the home/school transition?
For my friend's son this took the form of a snack at the school gate, straight home with minimal interaction then half an hour chilling out with his tablet in his tent bed before anyone even tried to talk to him/placing any demands on him. Another child might need to go to the park and run around wildly.

Ultimately poor girl, she's being overwhelmed each and every day 😟

She is mostly indoors but they can happen at any point so she might well be playing outside with her siblings or sitting outside with the family when a meltdown comes on.
If neighbours are in their garden and she’s inside they are moor likely to hear her than if they were inside in winter with their windows shut.

How are they more likely to hear her is she’s inside and they’re outside?? That doesn’t make sense

Yes

How hold is she, OP?

8

I agree with the PP who feels that any action taken to evict would be a disability discrimination issue. My local council wouldn't take action in a case like this.

I’d be looking to identify and minimise any triggers, for everyone’s sake (not least yours and hers). Meltdowns seldom come out of nowhere - there must be something triggering them, even if it’s not immediately obvious.

I can't see a housing association evicting you due to your child's autistic meltdowns.

If I’m in my garden I can hear the neighbours in their kitchen when I can’t from inside so I imagine the same for them, also if they have a window open I can hear them talking so I imagine they can hear screaming, door slamming and swearing.

You won't be evicted.
I wouldn't worry too much about complaints either. Are all of the home housing association? I find there's a lot less judgement in them area. Less pearl clutching and more experience of ND. There might be some complaints but I expect most people will accept that these things are sometimes out of the parents control.

I hope this post helps you think about what you might be able to do help her with the school/home transition.

I have a lot of ND in my life with family & children I've cared for so I guess I'm 'ND friendly' & understand the challenges & would understand why it's hard for you to stop. It wouldn't bother me (except for feeling fir her/you).

Any children I had at my house would be dealt with age appropriately re repeating the language. Not your problem! Xx

you've told you immediate neighbours, I'd also talk to any others you can (such as the ones the other side of them)!'d probably talk to the ones directly behind me if they weren't scary/rough.

does your daughter have a formal diagnosis? If so, I can't see you getting evicted from social housing 💕 and I'd just work on trying to manage her transition & deal with any housing issues/complaints if they arise.

much love, it's hard 🤗

I think you are worrying unnecessarily. You've spoken to your immediate neighbours, your child has a diagnosis, and they are understanding. Why would you worry about neighbours behind you? That is a worry too far. You have enough on your plate.

How kind of you to be thoughtful!

All I can say other than talking to the neighbours and explaining, is to take your child back indoors if a meltdown starts outside, or if inside, close your windows for the duration. If any complaints to the council happen, you can explain all the measures you've taken and surely you'd not be evicted because your little one is poorly? If you ever are, go straight to the local press and your MP!

If she is only 8 years old, where on earth did she hear these awful swear words?

Keep her indoors and close windows. What’s her triggers? You’ll need to move her asap indoors