Neighbour and my child’s autistic meltdowns

[acaciafinch]

I am growing quite concerned about my neighbours due to my child’s meltdowns especially with summer coming and people being out in their garden more and windows being open.
My dd is prone to meltdowns after school and has always done this but it’s got worse recently recently they have taken on a more colourful tone where she will continuously shout and scream swear words at the top of her voice and absolutely nothing will stop her.

I was already concerned about her meltdowns upsetting neighbours in the summer but now I imagine the neighbours will soon be complaining about the language to the housing association and our family being evicted.

There has not been any complaints to my knowledge yet but with summer approaching I am worried.

I cannot stop these meltdowns or the language and I know the neighbours have a right to live in peace and relax in their garden or have visitors in the garden without having to hear her.
I don’t want to be evicted either because then she’ll still have the disability but we’ll be homeless too and we have other children but It feels like it’s going to be inevitable.
Our back garden backs onto another road and so it’s not just immediate neighbours it’s the whole area and so people are bound to make complains hearing screaming and swearing regularly, she repeats fuck over and over with every breath until she comes out of the meltdown which can be 15-30 minutes several times a day.

You're really horrible. Children hear profanity at school, yes even primary school. That's where I learned of the C word and other profanity. I grew up in a very religious household and had never heard of swear words before I attended primary school. So stop accusing the OP for this.

As for your judgement of a child who very likely has Tourette's Syndrome - shame on you.

Parents of autistic children with Tourette's syndrome, like myself do not need your nasty judgmental attitudes.

Did you grow up in an Enid Blyton book?

What do you think you're contributing here? I'm sincerely curious.

Hope you're never neighbour to a disabled little child and their stressed but considerate parent.

This would be funny if it wasn't so stupid and unhelpful. Wrestle a lot of melting down 8 year old do you?

OP it sounds like she's currently in mainstream school. Have you got the wheels in motion for specialist secondary?

Ultimately there is nothing anyone can do to penalise you for the noise. So keep doing what you're doing and try not to think of people judging. Sorry it sounds horrendous for you all.

I think I paid £700 several years ago for an air conditioner for my bedroom. I don’t know if you can get money towards this somehow but it’s lovely to have a cool room and windows closed in hot weather.

I don’t agree with it but I have known people be evicted for this.

It’s not stupid or unhelpful. It’s a solution to not letting her daughter annoy their neighbours every day.

Horrible ableist attitude here - can deal with disabilities so lock them up brigade …. Nasty

Sorry to hear of your difficulties.

We have ADHD, autism and OCD in the household and dealing with it all day in, day out is really tough, sending solidarity.

Do you get any clue when the meltdowns are going to happen? If you see one coming could you encourage the kids to come inside for a while (bribe if necessary)? I guess that only works if you're there with them.

A powerful fan or white noise machine positioned next to the neighbours wall might help drown out the noise a bit if she's indoors when it happens (we have a dehumidifier and its good for drowning out private phone conversations from little ears!).

Ignore the sniffy comments about swearing 🙄

There are far worse words in use than 'fuck'. Hateful, racist, sexist, homophobic words. Ableist words too. If I had DC, I'd rather they said the F-word than nr or rd.

Tbh, I fully expect them to teach me a thing or two!

OP I'm so incredibly sorry.

I have 4 kids, 3 of which are ND. The eldest went to a special needs school, but not until she was 11. The key for us was boundary setting. But installing new boundaries takes a very very long time and you'll have to have the patience of a saint.

She was only diagnosed at 7. The first thing was no swearing in the family which meant neither myself nor my husband could EVER swear - which took practice since we're not big swearers but will do it extremely annoyed (like hitting your thumb with a hammer).

Next tantrums were physically taken to a safe space. I had to learn how to safely manhandle my daughter into said safe space. Honestly it was one of the worst moments in my parenting life and it's certainly not what you dream of when you are first carrying your precious baby and planning a future.

My daughter used to tear her bedroom (the safe space) apart. But gradually she learnt. In the end she would take herself to her room. But this takes a lot of time and patience.

She has now been to university, has a MSc, a very successful job and is happy.

But I do remember when she was about 9 wondering if I'd given birth to a psychopath. We'd gone to Disneyland Paris. Now I know that that was one of the worst things we could have done. She simply got overloaded with sensations. Noises, smells, bright lights, fun rides - it was too much. We have been again but we learnt to leave and have quiet times before going back in.

You can do it.

Poster above says she learned how to safely move her daughter. So it's not impossible for all children to move them?

There you go. Not such a stupid and unhelpful comment after all. Why can't people ever be kind on MN even if they disagree?

We had a neighbour a few doors down with an autistic teenager who didn't attend school so was home alone while mum worked. The screaming and slamming of doors was awful all day and night. The immediate neighbours called the police on more than one occasion concerned as she was yelling that she’d kill herself, breaking glass etc. The mum had to give up work and eventually moved to be near a special school she’d got a place in. Obviously we felt sorry for the mum and child, but it was very disturbing for the neighbours.

Well autistic or not ( I’m autistic) there has to be some long term work on meltdowns to reduce or eliminate them as this is a huge issue for you, her and anyone else.

swearing - where did she learn that?

If I was your neighbours I also have the right to a quiet safe home life. I have the right to a peaceful and safe enjoyment of my garden. That is your legal right.

It comes back to the old well tried argument of disability (autism) versus other people’s rights. For example the autistic child lashes out in school (disability) so it is excused but the child that got caught up in and injured what about their right? Or do they not have any as autistic child can’t ’help it’ or is it blame as autistic child isn’t being supervised etc

Your child is lashing out and screaming and that is going to have emotional and mental health implications for others.

What help do you have?

What does soothe her?

What avoids a meltdown?

if she is melting down can you limit it for others eg close windows, music etc reduce stimulus? Air con unit? What helps?

You can’t necessarily be evicted. I knew someone once (friend of a friend) who had a neighbour who had mental health issues and frequently caused huge problems for neighbours. It went on and on for years. What no one realised was the implications of the previously fit and healthy woman next door who tried to move and couldn’t and her mental health deteriorated and she did sadly commit suicide. In her suicide letter she explained very detailed how his behaviour had affected her health for a decade and she couldn’t cope any more. She didn’t want to move away from friends and family she just wanted a quiet life without him banging around randomly. She ended up mentally unwell herself.

None of my scenarios are yourself. Mental health issues are not autism.

But what helps? As she is 8 as she gets older she isn’t going to grow out of meltdowns. So what are you going to do?

identify triggers
clear routine
clear instructions etc eg during the rumble stage calm down techniques etc

and communicated this to neighbours if you wish. Most meltdowns are not long lived (most) and then it’s into recovery.

Why should anyone have to explain a medical diagnosis to anyone else? Would you tell everyone you have piles and that is the reason you shout every time you sit down?

I was thinking the same. I’m not a prude, and my kids went to the local state school, but they definitely didn’t know bad swear words at age 8.

They may not use them, but I bet they have heard them. My kids went to/go to the naice little single form entry village primary around the corner, and have definitely heard them. I used to work there, and you’d be amazed what words some very small kids use! I’ve never heard any of mine swear though (2 teens and an 8 year old), but they are not autistic and melting down.

Worth noting that I went to private school, and that peer group all swore like troopers. For some reason it doesn’t cause the same offence when said in a cut glass accent.

Lol my 8 year old girl is pretty tall. It would be a struggle to carry mid meltdown to another room if she was autistic.

Just a reminder that whilst you seem to cope with life it isn't as easy for other autistic children and adults.

In my experience CAMHS are useless, assuming you can even get a referral in the first place.

The TAF worker we had was fantastic though, put of all the many people we've had involved with DS, she was probably the most helpful.

School did try to help - did a lot of ELSA. DS did end up leaving that school as despite all the support his anxiety and the breakdown of his relationship with his peers just couldn't be fixed.

When DS was having frequent meltdowns (and his were violent), we talked to our neighbours and they were very understanding.

Totally would agree about CAMHS ,no help here either ,I was just trying to say ,you can try to get help from these places ,but the reality is ,we are on our own trying to manage our child's behaviour ,and personally I found the quicker I figured out what sets my son of generally,the quicker I stood a chance of redirecting behaviour