Neighbour and my child’s autistic meltdowns

[acaciafinch]

I am growing quite concerned about my neighbours due to my child’s meltdowns especially with summer coming and people being out in their garden more and windows being open.
My dd is prone to meltdowns after school and has always done this but it’s got worse recently recently they have taken on a more colourful tone where she will continuously shout and scream swear words at the top of her voice and absolutely nothing will stop her.

I was already concerned about her meltdowns upsetting neighbours in the summer but now I imagine the neighbours will soon be complaining about the language to the housing association and our family being evicted.

There has not been any complaints to my knowledge yet but with summer approaching I am worried.

I cannot stop these meltdowns or the language and I know the neighbours have a right to live in peace and relax in their garden or have visitors in the garden without having to hear her.
I don’t want to be evicted either because then she’ll still have the disability but we’ll be homeless too and we have other children but It feels like it’s going to be inevitable.
Our back garden backs onto another road and so it’s not just immediate neighbours it’s the whole area and so people are bound to make complains hearing screaming and swearing regularly, she repeats fuck over and over with every breath until she comes out of the meltdown which can be 15-30 minutes several times a day.

Kids basically pick them up pretty much magically, my child could read before he was 4 years old, I gave him my old CD collection to look at and listen to, and before long he came grinning and pointing at the back of one of the CDs, it was a lily Allen song called "f you" (not redacted on the cover)
He'd only been at home and to the childminder, we don't swear or have a TV and his child minders limit is things like "oh my gawd".
I stopped being precious about use of language at that point!

In or first house there was a boy who did similar. Mum came over and explained, it was fine. I just explained to DD and my nieces and nephews who stayed that he can’t help it and that he doesn’t mean it - and that it’s absolutely NOT okay for them to repeat it because they can help it. They started ignoring it pretty quickly but the first few times my nephew was wide eyed mouth open saying “aunty aunty did you hear that!!” The novelty wore off pretty quickly though. Just talk to them and I’m sure it will be fine.

All I can say is, thank God I was brought up in a time when children did NOT know swear words because they didn't hear them at home or school. I don't think I even said 'bloody' until I was about 15!

It sounds like the school are being helpful which is great, I assume you keep them updated on the latest status re meltdowns and everything else (it's easy to imagine they know how things are, but actually they often have no idea what goes on at home unless you tell them often)
Re easing the transition I had limited success by having a picnic on the way home complete with picnic blanket and lunch boxes, good way to get fruit or veg in them also. It seems nowadays what happens on the way home is still in "school mode", whereas once he gets home it's slightly unpredictable. This also gives a chance to assess his state of mind and pre load the evening routine into his head a little.

I also found that unexpectedly, after school activities run by the school helped (specific activities, not the general child care one) as I think it brought his level down gradually.

Sorry none of this really addresses your neighbour issue I'm just throwing ideas out there. I think you just have to spread the word as much as you are comfortable, and hopefully it heads off people's misunderstanding. You may have ND neighbours who are distressed by the noise, so it can actually go both ways.
Good luck!

This is so hard, I really feel for you OP.
Ultimately, this absolutely isn't your fault. What is appalling is that there isn't enough support for families of children with Autism.
Last week we had a mother on here who was so desperate that she was looking to put her ASD child in care as she genuinely could not provide the support her child needed.
We keep being told that "there's no money" to fund proper care and support for ASD families but it needs to be made more of a priority.
Even free online training courses to help parents understand sensory dysregulation and compulsory training in ASD for all schools (including pupils) would be a start.
Sending you the kindest regards OP.

Also just to add to my above post, there should be a "local offer" I think it's called, with extra services and support for sen families, all the way from quiet sessions of activities up to weekly overnight care away from home, but it's quite hard to find out about and the sencos are not always up to speed. It can pay to keep your eyes peeled for any extra help or opportunities.

No idea when your 'time' was but I'm 57 and would hear swear words at school and in the street/shops etc.

School unfortunately. I was devastated when my 6 year old was taught the f word by another 6 year old. Swearing is absolutely rife in primary schools.

I empathise. Youngest DC is severely autistic and from the ages of 2-6 had the most horrendous meltdowns with really loud screaming and shouting. We lived in a mid-terrace (newbuild with paper thin walls 😩) I felt so so awful for the neighbours. We were incredibly lucky with how lovely and chill they both were- one kindly insisted she never, ever heard him (lies) and the others said not to worry, they just felt more sorry for me if anything. We live in a detached house now although his meltdowns have calmed right down, I only wish we could have afforded one at the time.

Im 52 we heard swear words at my nice middle class convent primary school...

Well that's not going to win her any fans, is it?

The neighbours wouldn't be 'sticking their nose in' to enquire about the loud and offensive intrusion that is frequently bothering them. And the appropriate response would be 'I'm so sorry for the disturbance, I try my best to keep it to a minimum but unfortunately due to my child's diagnosis, there is little I can do.'

Not 'mind your own business.'

Honestly, attitudes like yours sum up everything that's gone wrong in our society.

Since autism is a registered disability, the housing authority wouldn't be able evict you on the basis of behaviour that forms part of her disability.

Who did her original diagnosis?

You can dislike it as much as you like. But autism is a registered disability and the meltdowns occur as part of that disability.

So judge away. You're judging someone for being disabled. I bet you hate people with blue badges and vote Reform too.

Sterling member of society.

Make sure your HA has a record of your daughter's disability and record this under vulnerabilities and disabilities. You won't get evicted for this.

You won't be evicted because your child falls under the vulnerable umbrella. You are safe in your home. You do need to ask for help from the local authority. A self referral to family services will get you a lot of help. Ask your GP for referrals, too.

Could you write a couple of cards, not apologizing, just explaining and pop them through the doors of people who back on to you?
I'm ashamed to say that many years (20+), we had new neighbours and the teenage son would stand in the garden screaming abuse at anything that caught his eye - birds, a passing car, my dog innocently sniffing in our garden.
I was outraged - looking back now, I can almost laugh at my 'hoiking up my pants' attitude.
But I got talking to his dad one day, and yes, he had tourettes, a vastly under recognized condition at the time.
Because we knew, we were far more relaxed and accepting of it. My late husband took him fishing in numerous occasions, to give our neighbours a break.
Without that knowledge, we would have been whining on for months about the 'problem neighbour'.
Find a way to just let them know. If they still complain, that's their problem, not yours xx

As has been stated several times kids learn this at SCHOOL. The op cant keep her child in all the time and if she starts having a meltdown outside its pretty impossible to move them. It also sounds like her child possibly has some kind of tic disorder, maybe tourettes.

My child has touretes including coprolalia too. I cant keep him inside/away from other children. He isolated enough already. It is what it is, if he swears when we are out we just ignore it a anything else will make it worse. You as parent need to educate your own children on WHY some people/children may behave differently. Perhaps go do some research and educate yourself so you can be less judgemental.

Did you think repeating the OP's concerns back to her was going to add anything useful?

When she has a meltdown she gets put in one of the bedrooms with the windows closed and door shut. When she stops she can come back out. Noise will be quieter for neighbours then.

You can only control what you can control. I'd pop a note into the neighbours.
Dear Neighbours,I just wanted to let you know that my daughter is autistic and sometimes struggles with emotional regulation.When she becomes overwhelmed, she may shout or use inappropriate language.We are supporting her and working on this, but there may be times when you hear colorful language especially as the weather gets warmer and everyone has their windows open more. I apologise for any upset this may cause and appreciate your understanding.
Kind regards,

I have a 7 year old who has suspected Autism and ADHD. When she is overwhelmed and having a meltdown she gets unbelievable strength. She's in fight mood. I'm a lot bigger than her but is almost impossible to move her. She can be very aggressive. If you try to lift her or try to move her she will make her body a dead weight or fight. Honestly, it's easy to say move her to a room and close the door and the windows. Realistically, the best thing you can do is remove everyone else from the area to keep them safe and stay as calm and quiet as possible. Shouting doesn't help. Consequences don't help. My daughter doesn't hear me or understand when she's like that. The only thing that helps is keeping her safe and loving her in calmly in that moment.

Spot on😁

Tourette's is quite common in autistic people, my daughter has both.

Your DD is masking all day at school and it all gets unleashed when she's in her safe space at home. A lot of parents of autistic children home educate, as it vastly reduces the meltdowns caused by masking at school.

You don't need to be a teacher, you can use an informal approach, such as child-led learning. You don't have to sit around a table to recreate school at home, it's usually better not to with many children.

I highly recommend it, any questions, feel free to ask.