Neighbour and my child’s autistic meltdowns

[acaciafinch]

I am growing quite concerned about my neighbours due to my child’s meltdowns especially with summer coming and people being out in their garden more and windows being open.
My dd is prone to meltdowns after school and has always done this but it’s got worse recently recently they have taken on a more colourful tone where she will continuously shout and scream swear words at the top of her voice and absolutely nothing will stop her.

I was already concerned about her meltdowns upsetting neighbours in the summer but now I imagine the neighbours will soon be complaining about the language to the housing association and our family being evicted.

There has not been any complaints to my knowledge yet but with summer approaching I am worried.

I cannot stop these meltdowns or the language and I know the neighbours have a right to live in peace and relax in their garden or have visitors in the garden without having to hear her.
I don’t want to be evicted either because then she’ll still have the disability but we’ll be homeless too and we have other children but It feels like it’s going to be inevitable.
Our back garden backs onto another road and so it’s not just immediate neighbours it’s the whole area and so people are bound to make complains hearing screaming and swearing regularly, she repeats fuck over and over with every breath until she comes out of the meltdown which can be 15-30 minutes several times a day.

Ha, you're having a laugh yeah? Most 8 year olds will have heard them by now and know they are bad words.

My neighbours child screams bad language every single day (I mean stuff like fucking cunt…) and they’re still in their house after 20 years
new neighbours and visitors are often a bit horrified but we explain, and you get used to it

Could you drown her out with music, unless that’d make her worse? You could write a note explaining to the neighbours that if they hear loud music it'll only be 15min or so but that its for a purpose? Might be a stupid idea though…

Op its not your fault. Yanbu to worry but it is also out of your control.

Speak to your immediate neighbours if you want to.

Try and get her inside if you can.
I would be speaking to school ss she is clearly overwhelmed so can they build in more breaks and decompression during school day to avoid the cold bottle effect you are getting. Girls especially often mask a lot and this is the result.

Then I would look at post school routine and what you can build in to support. There is energy and overwhelm there to get out. Sometimes I need to have silly boisterous play with my youngest, plus sensory seeking activities then followed by chill. Quiet, snacks, a drink, literally space away from anyone no one talking etc. This can be really hard as we all have to give him the living room/dining room space and stay out of the way and be really quiet.

My child also swears he is pda so shock language is a feature of that and he has tourettes there is nothing we can do about his tics other thsn try and reduce anxiety.

Have you ever had an OT assessment to understand her sensory profile? That may help in unpicking the overwhelm and learning how to meet those needs.

Luckily our neighbours are really understanding.

Do you use swear words at home? If so, have a rule that everyone needs to use kind words. Talk to her when she's well regulated about choices for what she can do when she's angry as an alternative (e.g. shouting into a pillow - or even swearing into a pillow as a first step) to try and break the habit of swearing. Swearing will be something that she can't control when she has a meltdown, I completely understand that, but I'd still try and find safer ways for her to practice expressing her anger for her own dignity - even if it's swearing into a pillow, which will muffle the sound. Can she have a safe space that you direct her to when she's dysregulated so she can go here to express herself, so she isn't in the garden. I say this as a parent of an autistic child who also has loud verbal meltdowns.

My child was swearing from age 7.. he learnt them at school. None of my ekder children swear in front of him or inappropriately ie they all learnt when it is acceptable to swear, not at school, not in front of grandma etc. Kids swear they just learn when/where its acceptable.

My youngest needs means he cant learn this and he has tourettes as well. So he swears but his language and tics are the early warning signs of overwhelm so they are a cue to needing support.

School, from children who know not to repeat them within earshot of adults.
Out and about, people swear all the time.
Unless you home educate and live under a rock young children hear swear words but can usually learn they are not ok for normal use.
The op is worried about this and looking for possible solutions, your judgement is unnecessary and unhelpful.
As an aside, my autistic ds had coprolalia from age 6. He’s now an adult. Feel free to head your judgement my way, I’m in a much better place than I was when he was young and I can handle it.

I had this an use to shut the windows and doors. Very much the doors and windows. She too would have meltdowns right after school as I think the masking all day took it’s toll. Mornings too due to her sensory issues with clothing.
The film I Swear is a really important film for everyone to watch. You can’t get evicted for her having meltdowns.
The positives are that she will settle as she gets older but when you’re in the middle of it, it can seem relentless

I have no advice but sympathies, my oldest is autistic and has meltdowns and often in the middle of the night too where they can’t be calmed down. My downstairs neighbour complains regularly and bangs on the ceiling all the time, I’ve brought round chocolates and apologise all the time and have tried to explain so many times that I’m doing my best and how sorry I am but they understandably do not like me and have complained to the housing association too

I’m sorry this is happening. If I were you, I’d write to the neighbours likely to hear and explain the situation. Many of them will be at work so don’t worry too much.
it’s important school made aware of this. Can they build decompression time into her day or help with transitions? Can you access an occupational therapist to gain strategies to support her during these episodes?

We have bought things to help her, she has a punch bag and spinning chair but she prefers to slam doors and scream at the top of her voice or curl up in a ball and scream it out.
I do suspect pda because she is extremely defiant, absolutely must have her own way and will not take any instructions at all which is why it’s so hard to control her language the more I tell her not to swear, the more she will swear in response and I don’t know about Tourette’s but it’s definitely a compulsive repetitive shouting of the swear word and sometimes actions, claps or movements but it changes after a few months and she’ll have a new one, the swearing took over from a high pitched screech which took over from licking hands etc but she can keep herself from doing it in school so I think it’s just a self soothing stim type of impulse. When she continuously screamed every few minutes it made me jump and I thought nothing could be worse but then it did, it changed to swearing at the top of her voice.

Agree. I doubt anyone would take any notice

Awwww op I've had neighbours phone ss on me coz of the epic screams they heard ,
We are so lucky that our street got to know us and now know our little girl can be funniest but also loudest sounding lunatic ever ,,theyve been so accepting and understanding,,the key is to ha e them chats and be honest about it . If they don't accept your child and understand that sometimes things are loud that's a them problem . Good luck ,,just acknowledge that you are aware that sometimes it's not ideal but it's also unavoidable and not anyone's fault ❤️

If she is officially NHS diagnosed you can’t be evicted.

If the neighbours stick their nose in tell them to mind their own business. I bet they aren’t completely squeaky clean 100% of the time either.

An eight year old having a meltdown is not ‘moveable’.

OP I think the local residents group would be perfect to explain the situation. I don’t know if you have one that’s small enough to allow you to show a little bit of vulnerability? I’m in a village so it would be easier for me than if you are in a large town or city 😬

There is support in school, she has extra breaks in a room with a trampoline and some sensory stimulation to let off some steam, she wears ear defenders and they do accommodate her well. I can’t fault the support but she is the way she is.

This comment is as useful as a water pistol in a wildfire

She's 8

This doesn't make her deaf

She'll have heard them at school or even just the local shops/supermarket.

I had similar
I just never let him in the garden unsupervised.
He would throw all the toys in the next door neighbours garden on purpose and scream loudly on the trampoline.
So I had to keep the backdoor locked and only let the children in the garden when I was with them ..as soon as he started anything,I he to bring everyone in

I lived next to a child like this. Her parents did what they could but it totally impinged on my quality of life as they would not shut the windows because of the smell of her defecating on the floor, and the howling bounced off neighbouring houses. I had every sympathy for their terrible situation but it really affected me too. It’s good that you are anticipating this.

I would definitely keep her indoors with the windows closed when she is shrieking and using foul language.
Put down carpeting rather than rugs and floorboards and increase soft furnishings to try to absorb some of the noise.
Seriously consider sound proofing. Businesses who fit it are well used to this problem and give good advice.I was prepared to install it on my side but to my dismay they advised after a survey it wouldn’t be totally effective due to the configuration of the property (Edwardian terrace.) as well as the pitch and volume of the noise.

In my experience, parents of severely autistic children are far more amenable to compromise where possible, than some parents of neuro typical children, whose high octane screaming matches can be incredibly intrusive and unnerving.

Happily I now live in a quiet village with no sound but birdsong and the river. It is bliss.

Does your child have a paediatrician?
my immediate thoughts were Tourette’s Syndrome. My DD17 has both which does happen., and we’ve been given plenty of help with the TS and it’s relatively under control.
my DD does loads of different tics and has common words she shouts over and over, she didn’t really have coprolalia (swearing), but she shouts words like banana or apricot literally over and over, changing words part way sometimes.

my DS14 has AuDHD, and has a lot of meltdowns after school due to keeping things in, and he’s triggered by hunger too. DD is also really triggered by hunger but not meltdown, she gets shaky and exhausted
please have a think how long anything that could be seen as tics (vocal and/or physical) so you can report to your paediatrician. My DD17 was prescribed clonidine to help the TS
Good luck

That does sound like it could be a tic disorder/tourettes. They can sometimes hold it in but if she is suppressing it at school it will come out like this afterwards.

Does she have autusm diagnosis, have you had support re potential pda. My son is almost 10 diagnosed autistic pda and with tourettes and profound sensory processing.

The most helpful things havd been an Ed psych who got it and wrote a brilliant report which has led to support and an OT assessment.

Plus seeing Neurology and finally getting tourettes diagnosis. But its been a long road to get to this point.

When was she last asessmeed, does she have an ehcp?

There are strategies you can try if pda look at pda society. But really school need to helping reducd the overwhelm.

Is it the push from slamming doors? Thats a different sensory input from hitting things.. the feedback she gets will be different. Same re wearing, shouting etc. Slamming, stamping etc.

Am just wondering what advice you have had and what your options might be for support going forward.

In my area we have early help and family support which would be your first port of call. They may not be particularly helpful or understanding though.

Tourettes action have some good free resources etc that are worth looking at. If you can video some of the tic like episodes.

Don't tell her not to swear, just ignore it.

What works best for de escalation? For us its space, quiet, everyone else out the way. But you have to ride it out.

Its so hard, but please dont worry re eviction. That wont happen.

Really? Really?! That's what you came on to type?!

Newsflash. I teach in a primary school. Believe me when I tell you all the 8 year olds know about these 'awful swear words' and many take great delight in randomly trying them out at playtimes, along with finger gestures.

Honestly there is nothing school can do ..
You can get help with CAMHs ,you can have team around the family / child ,or whatever it's now called ,you can ask for social services help.
But the bottom line is ,you are on your own managing this behaviour, simply because no one can move in with you 24 hours a day to help.
So you need to work out yourself how you can nip it in the bud before it escalates.
My son would kick of when he was hungry or thirsty,he couldn't recognise the feelings of hunger or thirst,so as soon as I clocked a meltdown starting I had a snack and drink on hand .. sometimes it worked, sometimes it didn't.
I found taking them all to the park after meals helped ,rather than letting them in the garden while I cleared up ..it meant my evenings were spent clearing up 4 kids mess .but needs must ..and I had to drop my standards on housework .
But she's currently in school ,so that's brilliant,your getting some sort of break .
Mine got expelled from two special schools and ended up with tutors at home from age 13 .which obviously ment I was permanently at home with him to