Stepson sleepover, upset neighbours

[Heebeebee]

Last night my DSS had a sleepover for his 13th birthday. There were a group of boys staying over and, unbeknownst to me, they were in and out of the house most of the night playing football on the green outside.

I was asleep on the third floor and had no idea this was going on. My DH was downstairs in the lounge, knew about it, and just let them carry on.

This morning there’s a post on the estate Facebook page saying a group of kids were making noise late into the night and disturbing people.

I’ve gone mad at my husband for not telling them to come in and settle down, but my mum says I’m just as much to blame because I’m also the responsible adult and should “know what DH is like” when it comes to discipline, ie he cannot do it.

I think that’s bullshit.. I was asleep and he was the one who knew what was happening. He's his dad fgs. So as not to drip feed I also have a SD who is now almost 18 and he hasn't seen her for 7 years, entirely her choice after her mum turned her against him. His sons, DSS16 and DSS13 still come here a lot but DH doesn't say boo to a goose when they are here cos he's worried they'll just go back to their mums if he does. He wasn't like this before what happened with SD.

AIBU to think this is on him? Also I've apologised to the neighbours concerned and that's fine now I'm just annoyed at being told I'm to blame for not being downstairs too and telling them off in DH place.

What else that the husband does or doesn’t do is her fault, or is it just the lack of parenting that’s her fault (even though the child involved isn’t her child, but is the husband’s child)? Should this man be allowed to vote, if he’s not a responsible adult? Buy alcohol? Drive? How shall we make those things also his wife’s fault?

I have to say that if my 13 year old went to a sleepover and the parents let him play out all night I’d be absolutely furious. The fact that your DH let them is a massive safeguarding concern. They are 13! Do any of the parents know?

OP, this is absolutely not your fault. You went to bed and your DH obviously knew you were, so it's all on him. I can't believe the amount of posters saying you were equally responsible. It's worrying that the DSS's had mates round and your DH still couldn't be arsed to parent/supervise. At those ages, they could potentially get up to all sorts. You need to make it clear to your DH going forward that he should absolutely know what they are up to while in his care, he has legal responsibility. Not you.

Don't understand this - why would you hold her responsible? She isn't the boy's mother, so unless she had kindly offered to oversee the party for her husband, which clearly she didn't, it's not her fault in any way.

She isn't her husband's mother!

Also, try not to let the Facebook thing get to you. People shouldn't post stuff about kids on social media. If they were that bothered, they could have said something to the boys at the time, or knocked on......

Your husband does sound useless, though. But you also don't sound keen on him - has the marriage run it's course?

Your DH is responsible for parenting his son and he should not have let them go outside in the night making noise and disturbing your neighbours. He should take his son round to knock on doors and apologise, and make sure that it doesn't happen again!

The father should be able to parent. Why is it the mums responsibility. If it was the dad asleep and the mum not putting in boundaries, would you hold the dad responsible?

This doesn’t sound like a big deal. Sometimes people make noise at night, and people like to complain about it on social media. It was on your husband to keep them in order, but I wouldn’t stress so much about it.

I hear crazy stories from my 14 year old ds about their sleepovers. Playing football all night would be a nicer one! As long as they are safe and it’s the weekend… meh.

I’d have my dh’s back in your situation.

Odd how step mothers are seen as responsible as the father when normally she's expected to keep out of dealings with his children!

Give over already with the ‘safeguarding concern’. It’s clear from the OP’s post that the green is by the house, and that there was a group of 12/13-year-olds.
The DH is still a moron for letting HIS son and friends annoy the neighbours, but it all seems exceedingly trivial.

The boy's dad was up. It's not her responsibility and she was asleep.

How late was it?

He was supervising the sleepover being downstairs as their father. It's not on you.

Because you were in the house that means you also have duty of care and It’s your house as well so your responsibility as well as your H’s.
I get that your H is being a Disney dad and even though he’s scared of loosing his other two he needs boundaries. However as you were their and allowed the sleep over and you knew your H struggles with rules for his son you should have not agreed to it or take equal responsibility

I think I can be excused for thinking OP feels some responsibility for the child despite him not being her own because she posted here instead of shrugging and saying not my circus not my monkeys. What her husband does or doesn't do isn't her fault, but expecting an incompetent person to be incompetent is. Unless of course her concern was not the safety of the children but that the neighbours would understandably think that, as a couple, they are equally responsible for the children in their care / home and think as badly of her as they do her husband. That would be unfortunate for her but a consequence of setting up home with a fuck wit.

This sounds ridiculous allowing them in and out the house to play football.
I can't believe people are saying just let them have fun. This isn't a boys staying out longer than expected to continue the game, this is them choosing to go out late at night to do something that will disturb others.
It is definitely down to DSS dad to have stopped this. I wouldn't be allowing sleepovers again due to this behaviour.

Yet another fine example of step parents (step mothers obviously!) being in the never ending loop of being unable to do right for doing wrong.

If OP had woken up, gone downstairs and bypassed her (useless) husband to call the boys in she would have been lambasted for sticking her nose in and trying to parent a child that isn't hers.

The only person at fault here is the gormless lump sat downstairs whose child it was making the noise outside.

How late was it?

I am with the neighbours if it was actually all night long, some people have work etc, last thing you want is a ball going thud, thud, thud and screeching or whatever they do. Midnight would be my maximum before having to say something.

Your future looks bleak with a man afraid to manage his own teenage sons.

I wouldn't be so sure his daughter wants nothing to do with him 'because her mother turned her against him'.

They may have had work next day? Or not. People have a right to quiet enjoyment of their own home, without loud, unsupervised kids.

sensibly answer.

not your fault!!

he sounds scared of losing his other two children but agree he still needs to parent & its not up to you to do that for him. Though I would say you should still be involved when they are in your care.

its a one off sleepover and not much harm done, teenage kids having some high jinks. At least they were outside just playing & not actually terrorising the neighbourhood

Beyond preposterous anyone could think you’re responsible for supervising an adult who’s a father of 3 supervise his own child. Your mum is pathetic and the posters on here blaming you for going to sleep are ridiculous.

This!