16yo ds seeing much older man in London, ds1 has made it 100x worse, dont know what to do know

[kettleonbutnoidea]

i dont even know where to start tbh this has all come out in the last couple of weeks and i feel like im constantly on the back foot

my ds2 is 16 (17 in summer) and has been talking to someone online for a while which I DIDNT KNOW about until recently. turns out its a man in his 30s living in london. ds says they have “met a few times” which actually means hes been getting the train down there on his own. i only found this out because his brother saw messages on his phone

before anyone says yes ive had the talk about safety etc but hes insisting its all fine and that hes happy. says im making it weird and that age is just a number which hasnt exactly reassured me

then ds1 (22) completely lost it. tracked the man down online and basically messaged him threatening him. i dont know exactly what was said but it was bad enough that the man replied saying he’d go to the police if it carried on. now ds2 is furious with all of us, says weve embarrassed him and is barely speaking to me

since then hes even more secretive and has said hes going to stay in london “for a bit” over easter. i feel sick writing that but i dont know if i can physically stop him and im worried if i push too hard he’ll just go anyway and cut me off

im stuck between thinking this is completely wrong and also not wanting to drive him further away

AIBU to be this worried or do i need to back off a bit now its all blown up?

Why do people keep mentioning Huw Edwards. He got convicted of indecent images, not of grooming or the sexual relationship per se.

Legally this just isn't true. Unless the adult has manipulated the 16 year old and used money and gifts to coerce them into sex they otherwise would not consent to then it's not criminal exploitation. You may assume that all 16 year olds are being manipulated into sex under these circumstances but legally that's just not the case.

It really is true

What the poster said is true. A 22 year old having sex with a 16 year old is not considered grooming

You have answered the post by bringing in elements that would be grooming, such as control and coercion. That does not negate the poster's point - what OP has set out already is not grooming.

With regards to your first paragraph.
Would you really be able to stop them?
Would you physically lock your child away?
After years of dealing with this as a job, I'm genuinely interested where you would succeed where so many others fail.

What if you approach the man, saying you want to know him, etc? A conversation with him will give you useful information. What is the general opinion about getting closer to the "groomer"?

Oh. My. God.

Legally, no, an older adult isn't automatically grooming.

I think theres only a couple of us on this thread that do this as a job so know what we're talking about.

Good on DS1 for being the only responsible parent with a spine. He's attempted to stop a paedophile from grooming and sexually assaulting -your child-! You should be the one doing this. It makes me sick to think how naive you are being and just letting your son carry on! There is another term for perverts who like children at the age of 16 'Ephebophelia'. Please, OP for the love of god, go to the police! I'd rather my son be embarrassed and hated me, than have a son in a morgue.

Op I know this is an awful shock for you. But your CHILD is being groomed. This could even be bigger than just this 30 year old man it could be a trafficking ring fgs. Please don't be so slow to take action if your son is travelling there who knows if he'll be kidnapped. Honestly op you've let this go on for far too long.

In the uk 16 is the age of consent so I doubt the police could do anything.

You have come up with that becos hes a man in his 30s ? Does every man in his 30s have a record ? Be realistic.

I’m so sorry. Can police/Children’s Services help?

The secrecy, the solo train trips, the defensiveness, the sudden plan to "stay in London for a bit" over Easter and saying "age is just a number" are all textbook grooming red flags!

Exactly @StillCreatingAName And whoever the ‘boyfriend’ hangs around with or invites over, or might like to share him with.

I suspect he won’t ever meet any family or colleagues of this creep - another sign for him that this is in no way an authentic, respectful relationship, regardless of the letter of the law.

He is being groomed. Inform the police yourself.

No - he said it's always legal for older adults to have sex with 16 and 17 year olds.

That's not the case - it's a common misunderstanding about the age of consent.

There are caveats because people are still legally children when they are under 18. It is at least possible that grooming has occurred in the OP's case, which means this man in his 30s has committed a criminal offence.

Your son is 16 and he's a child. No one aged 30 has a relationship with a 16 year old unless they are a pedophile. Your son is not in a relationship with him, he is being groomed.
You need to inform the police and safeguard your son.
Your other son is a legend for trying to protect his brother.

You do understand that Huw Edwards was never on trail in relation to the 17 year old boy?
It was due to indecent images of much younger children.

He absolutely did not write that.

Your 16 year old son is being groomed. You need to contact the police now. Tonight!

If your older son has been able to contact him then there is enough information for the police.

I understand your worries about upsetting your son but tbh, that is irrelevant. You are his parent - you need to safeguard him instead of pussy footing around him and you need to deal with it before he takes himself off to London for a few days.

Please - be his parent and not his friend.

The age of consent is 16, unless that person is in a position of trust with the young person (teacher, social worker etc)

Therefore unless that caveat applies it is completely legal because the age of consent is 16

This is my job, I dont have any misunderstandings about the age of consent.

Anythings possible, but where is your evidence?

You along with many posters on this thread appear to not understand that you need evidence and an allegation to report something and that just because you dont like a situation doesnt mean a crime ha been committed. You are wanting the law to be something it isnt.

Ive worked with police on situations where there is absolute, without shadow of a doubt, with lots evidence, grooming, with under 16s. But the one piece of evidence lacking is the child's allegation, without that, no action taken.

No he wasn’t. But the law needs updating. No adult in their 30s is in a relationship of equals with a 16 year old. There will always be an imbalance of power.