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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

16yo ds seeing much older man in London, ds1 has made it 100x worse, dont know what to do know

500 replies

kettleonbutnoidea · 28/03/2026 16:10

i dont even know where to start tbh this has all come out in the last couple of weeks and i feel like im constantly on the back foot

my ds2 is 16 (17 in summer) and has been talking to someone online for a while which I DIDNT KNOW about until recently. turns out its a man in his 30s living in london. ds says they have “met a few times” which actually means hes been getting the train down there on his own. i only found this out because his brother saw messages on his phone

before anyone says yes ive had the talk about safety etc but hes insisting its all fine and that hes happy. says im making it weird and that age is just a number which hasnt exactly reassured me

then ds1 (22) completely lost it. tracked the man down online and basically messaged him threatening him. i dont know exactly what was said but it was bad enough that the man replied saying he’d go to the police if it carried on. now ds2 is furious with all of us, says weve embarrassed him and is barely speaking to me

since then hes even more secretive and has said hes going to stay in london “for a bit” over easter. i feel sick writing that but i dont know if i can physically stop him and im worried if i push too hard he’ll just go anyway and cut me off

im stuck between thinking this is completely wrong and also not wanting to drive him further away

AIBU to be this worried or do i need to back off a bit now its all blown up?

OP posts:
suki1964 · 29/03/2026 00:16

Your son is being groomed - no wonder your other son kicked off

damsondamsel · 29/03/2026 00:56

I would inform the safeguarding team at your son's college as well. If they have a good pastoral care system in place they will take this really, really seriously and will be a lot of help.

ByBreezyUser · 29/03/2026 00:59

kettleonbutnoidea · 28/03/2026 16:57

im trying to read everything but its a lot and some of it is quite hard to read if im honest

yes he knows hes 16. ds says he was upfront about his age from the start which almost makes it worse in my head because its not like theres been any mistake there

i dont know exactly when they started talking. ive asked and he just says “months” and wont be pinned down which is making me feel sick now people are pointing out he could have been 15. i hadnt even thought of that properly before

ds1 is not in trouble with me, i probably worded that badly earlier. i understand why he reacted like he did, i just wish it hadnt been so aggressive because its pushed ds2 further towards this man which is what im now dealing with

im not “trying to be his friend” over being his mum, im trying not to completely lose him. people saying just take his phone etc dont seem to get that he will just find another way and then i know even less than i do now

i have very limited details on the man. first name, rough area in london and what ds1 found online which i havent even properly looked at yet because my head is all over the place

someone asked about his dad, hes not really in the picture so its just me dealing with this which probably isnt helping

i am going to report it, probably via that ceop thing first like suggested so i can at least get some advice without it all kicking off straight away. i didnt realise that was an option before today

i will try and talk to ds later and ask more directly about when it started and where hes actually been staying. and maybe suggest meeting him like some have said even though the thought of that makes me feel a bit sick

i am worried, im not ignoring it even if it comes across that way here

Meet him? Your son is 16 and he's in his 30s. That's the very last thing I would do in this situation

ByBreezyUser · 29/03/2026 00:59

suki1964 · 29/03/2026 00:16

Your son is being groomed - no wonder your other son kicked off

This

ByBreezyUser · 29/03/2026 02:11

Iwasinthepool · 28/03/2026 22:42

I think if your son is independent, has left school, is in college and has a part time job then he’s firmly in that 16-18 bracket, which is very different to being a 16 year old about to sit his GCSEs - which is the impression I had from the OP.

This is a very transitional time of life and whilst he can make mistakes and potentially be influenced, I’m not sure I feel that you can be groomed in the strictest sense in this stage of his life.

The relationship with the older man would make anyone uncomfortable - but if he’s already living a life where he gets to “just stay over” at a mates or pop into the Birmingham whenever he fancies, I think he has a certain level of freedom that you can’t suddenly roll back. It sounds like he’s the sort of teen who is allowed to just do what he likes, rather than the someone who has two parents watching him like a hawk, and I think that makes a difference.

If he’s home now he’s safe. I would stay calm and speak to him when you can - it doesn’t have to be tonight. All of this has come out because his brother saw his messages over his shoulder. He’s probably embarrassed.

It's no different. He's still 16. You seem to be making digs at the OP because the father isn't on the scene "watching him like a hawk". This man is in his 30s and the OPs son is 16 and it could have started when the boy was 15 - underage. It's been going on for months

ByBreezyUser · 29/03/2026 02:14

Of course you can roll it back if you think your teenager is being groomed - and this situation is also affecting the boys college work - his attendance has dipped - why does a 30 something man need to be in a relationship with a 16 year old boy - it's hugely concerning

bittertwisted · 29/03/2026 02:19

Iwasinthepool · 28/03/2026 22:42

I think if your son is independent, has left school, is in college and has a part time job then he’s firmly in that 16-18 bracket, which is very different to being a 16 year old about to sit his GCSEs - which is the impression I had from the OP.

This is a very transitional time of life and whilst he can make mistakes and potentially be influenced, I’m not sure I feel that you can be groomed in the strictest sense in this stage of his life.

The relationship with the older man would make anyone uncomfortable - but if he’s already living a life where he gets to “just stay over” at a mates or pop into the Birmingham whenever he fancies, I think he has a certain level of freedom that you can’t suddenly roll back. It sounds like he’s the sort of teen who is allowed to just do what he likes, rather than the someone who has two parents watching him like a hawk, and I think that makes a difference.

If he’s home now he’s safe. I would stay calm and speak to him when you can - it doesn’t have to be tonight. All of this has come out because his brother saw his messages over his shoulder. He’s probably embarrassed.

would you say the same if he was a DD?

colloqneuro · 29/03/2026 03:14

You can still surely ground him, or say hes not allowed to go to london. I think perhaps the rules needed to be set earlier. While you can't physically restrain him, use your parenting to stop him and talk to him..

ByBreezyUser · 29/03/2026 03:23

likelysuspect · 28/03/2026 21:48

People like this are sneaky and clever and will use the law to their advantage

He only has to say that OP and her older son are committing hate crimes toward him because of his sexuality and bingo, OP and the older son are the perpetrators toward him all of a sudden

It might have been different with your aunt because that bloke may not have made a complaint about her.

This bloke might make a complaint about OP and he'll play the victim.

OP has to play it softly

Show quote history

What crime has the OP committed exactly? None. She does not have to play it softly. This is a 16 year old who was potentially sleeping with a 30 something man when he was 15.

Let that sink in before you try and worry someone

ByBreezyUser · 29/03/2026 03:26

colloqneuro · 29/03/2026 03:14

You can still surely ground him, or say hes not allowed to go to london. I think perhaps the rules needed to be set earlier. While you can't physically restrain him, use your parenting to stop him and talk to him..

This. I do feel for the OP but the son has clearly been lying about where he's been going. If he's been allowed to have overnights and has been sneaking off to London I don't know how you deal with that going forward

ByBreezyUser · 29/03/2026 03:27

The OPs son won't be the only person this man has groomed either

Carla786 · 29/03/2026 03:36

5to5 · 28/03/2026 18:03

I thought gay sex was legal only at age 18

No we have an equal age of consent in the UK & have since early 2000s, rightly.

Adults norally shouldn't be sleeping with 16yo boys or girls but it's not illegal.

colloqneuro · 29/03/2026 03:56

colloqneuro · 29/03/2026 03:14

You can still surely ground him, or say hes not allowed to go to london. I think perhaps the rules needed to be set earlier. While you can't physically restrain him, use your parenting to stop him and talk to him..

I do apologise because I can see now that OP is trying to safeguard her son.
However the narrative from other posters that theres nothing she can do.. shrug... us frightening. Something of a theme on mn at the moment. You can absolutely tell your 16 yr old he can't go stay over in london, you can absolutely tell them they can't stay out overnight or expect them to tell you where they are. Yes they may go against that and you can't physically restrain them but if you dont tell them where the boundaries are, they wont know. They're kids.

Carla786 · 29/03/2026 04:00

likelysuspect · 28/03/2026 19:12

Why do people keep mentioning Huw Edwards. He got convicted of indecent images, not of grooming or the sexual relationship per se.

Yes. I think an adult in their 30s dating a 16yo boy or girl is very creepy but that in itself wasn't illegal. What caused the firing was that Edwards was grooming the boy to send him sexual images , funding his drug addiction, and moreover Edwards was found to have received Category A images of children under 10 being sexually abused.
Not to mention Edwards' huge power as a TV presenter.

I think this man sounds very suspicious but I'm not sure how helpful thr Edwards comparison is.

Carla786 · 29/03/2026 04:13

JonesTown · 28/03/2026 18:26

Yes- that was totally separate to the other case that was widely reported in the media where he exchanged communications with a 17 year old boy.

There was no criminal offence in that instance.

Show quote history

Yes, the images were Category A images of CSA of very young children, not of the teenager.

ThriveAT · 29/03/2026 04:16

Please contact the police as a matter of urgency.

Carla786 · 29/03/2026 04:17

busybusybusy2015 · 28/03/2026 18:42

You must be so worried. But try to step back and find out more about gay sexuality? For homosexual men, being attracted to "daddies" (I.e. older men) is an accepted part of young men's sexual behaviour. There's lots of info online - even a Wikipedia page - as well as dating sites and suchlike. Try not to be repelled; don't accidentally reject your DS and his sexuality. Read as much as you can, and definitely look at the dating sites. This may be how your DS met the man. The sex lives of many gay men simply do not follow the rules that heterosexuals often think are universal. As far as I know, 'daddies' are not automatically seen as predators in the gay community. Good luck - keep talking to both DSs!

It's not just a gay male thing for older men to try to have relationships with 16yos, plenty of straight men have done that and still do. It's still wrong . Nothing to do with dictating heterosexual norms be universal : it's an issue of predatory men of all sexualities targeting teens..
Sexual assault and DV is very underreported in the gay male community due to macho norms, doesn't mean it's rare. Just because some say 'daddies' are fine doesn't mean they are.

Walkden · 29/03/2026 04:19

"Your son is being groomed"

As dist asteful as the age gap is OP does not know if this is true at all.

As previous posters have said she should inform the DSL at his school college.

OP are you able to check your son's phone history - has your son met this guy on a gay hook up app or website? As others have said whether contact started before 16 nay relevant here

Carla786 · 29/03/2026 04:21

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Don't those groups target abusers of prepubescent children mainly, though?

Lucieintheskywithdiamonds · 29/03/2026 04:26

I also came on here to say that large age gaps are very common in the gay community. While 16 is VERY young, and it is obviously not morally great, it isn't illegal for them to be in a relationship and age gaps of 20 or so years are not really such a big deal in the gay community.

If it started when it was 15 then that is obviously VERY wrong and illegal. But it isn't unheard of for 16 year olds to date older people. I remember when I was 16 our friend had a boyfriend who we nicknamed 'dad boyfriend' because we thought he was so old! Must have been about 30. Nothing bad happened and they eventually got bored and broke up.

If you panic less and talk calmly to your son then you might be able to learn more about what is going on, maybe even meet the guy to check on what they are like together before you get overly concerned. People do meet online and form relationships - it doesnt naturally mean the guy is a groomer just because they met online.

Lucieintheskywithdiamonds · 29/03/2026 04:29

I want to stress that I am not defending the older guy and 16 is very young! I am just saying that if you follow the hysterical posters on Mumsnet asking you to call paedophile hunters and the police, you risk really isolating your son and pushing him closer to this guy. Try to stay calm.

Walkden · 29/03/2026 04:30

"I would give his name and address to one of those local peodophile hunter groups. Ask them to send you the link when they upload their confrontation to social media."

What is wrong with you ? Doing this would likely get OP reported to the police herself for harrassment which as a pp said may well be reported to them as a hate crime.

What would her DS think if he found about about it?

ByBreezyUser · 29/03/2026 04:43

The last thing you do is get these paedo hunter groups involved.

ByBreezyUser · 29/03/2026 04:44

Lucieintheskywithdiamonds · 29/03/2026 04:26

I also came on here to say that large age gaps are very common in the gay community. While 16 is VERY young, and it is obviously not morally great, it isn't illegal for them to be in a relationship and age gaps of 20 or so years are not really such a big deal in the gay community.

If it started when it was 15 then that is obviously VERY wrong and illegal. But it isn't unheard of for 16 year olds to date older people. I remember when I was 16 our friend had a boyfriend who we nicknamed 'dad boyfriend' because we thought he was so old! Must have been about 30. Nothing bad happened and they eventually got bored and broke up.

If you panic less and talk calmly to your son then you might be able to learn more about what is going on, maybe even meet the guy to check on what they are like together before you get overly concerned. People do meet online and form relationships - it doesnt naturally mean the guy is a groomer just because they met online.

Cop out. This kid is 16 and this man is in his mid 30s. Let's not try and excuse this

Lucieintheskywithdiamonds · 29/03/2026 05:08

ByBreezyUser · 29/03/2026 04:44

Cop out. This kid is 16 and this man is in his mid 30s. Let's not try and excuse this

Show quote history

Please see my second post where I stress that I am not defending the guy but am just encouraging OP not to listen to some of the more terrible advice on this thread which would only serve to push her son closer to this guy.

As much as we may not like it, it isnt illegal. The boy is 16. Even if they spoke online before that, theres a chance that they met on a gay app or site where the minimum age to sign up is 18, so the older guy could reasonably say that he didnt know the boys age. It is important to progress gently and calmly. Show the son understanding and don't push him away and straight into the arms of his boyfriend.

Its hard enough to get the police to act these days - can you imagine how likely theyd be to actually do anything to stop a 16 year old boy from seeing an older guy when it isnt illegal for him to do so?