16yo ds seeing much older man in London, ds1 has made it 100x worse, dont know what to do know

[kettleonbutnoidea]

i dont even know where to start tbh this has all come out in the last couple of weeks and i feel like im constantly on the back foot

my ds2 is 16 (17 in summer) and has been talking to someone online for a while which I DIDNT KNOW about until recently. turns out its a man in his 30s living in london. ds says they have “met a few times” which actually means hes been getting the train down there on his own. i only found this out because his brother saw messages on his phone

before anyone says yes ive had the talk about safety etc but hes insisting its all fine and that hes happy. says im making it weird and that age is just a number which hasnt exactly reassured me

then ds1 (22) completely lost it. tracked the man down online and basically messaged him threatening him. i dont know exactly what was said but it was bad enough that the man replied saying he’d go to the police if it carried on. now ds2 is furious with all of us, says weve embarrassed him and is barely speaking to me

since then hes even more secretive and has said hes going to stay in london “for a bit” over easter. i feel sick writing that but i dont know if i can physically stop him and im worried if i push too hard he’ll just go anyway and cut me off

im stuck between thinking this is completely wrong and also not wanting to drive him further away

AIBU to be this worried or do i need to back off a bit now its all blown up?

This with bells on

It's nothing to do with his sexuality, it's down to the fact that he very likely was being groomed by this man at 15. Op has not given any indication that she has ever considered his sexuality to be an issue.

Obviously this would be arranged before the Op's son goes to London.

Well seeing as he visits as and when and she doesnt know when he's there and he can leave at any time, how would you be sure of that?

And Im still waiting for other posters to confirm how they would stop him visiting this man

Yes, I agree actually.

This man in his thirties could seek out adult male company in London … but instead, spends his time cultivating a relationship with a 16 yr old. This grown man’s intentions should be of concern to the parents.

Has this man between 30 and 40 years old, offered to visit your son at your house OP? Of course not. He wants a boy in London. Why?

I would be reporting it immediately, and I’d be wanting to know how long it has been going on for.

Do a Clare’s law and Sarah’s law on him

This sounds a nightmare OP, sorry you’re going through. I would echo what others has said about going to the police. Get all the info you have and they can consider welfare checks/police checks/ talking to the man etc. However, I think your approach is most likely to give the best results long term. Despite what some posters think, if this is consensual (and they only need your DS to say it is) and there no other significant concerns around this man, the police will not do anything. Social services, will do even less. The best you can do is keep your son close and lines of communication open. Your best hope is that this dies off much like many other teenagers/adult relationships have done since time began. Don’t beat yourself up too much nor your adult son, totally get his response but I think you’re right it doesn’t really help. And the fact is, if the man reports your son for threats, he is likely to get in more trouble than the predatory man!

Apologies if I've missed it but I didn't see that he visits as and when. I read it as this being an online relationship and the son was planning on visiting to stay for the first time.

The mum can’t do a Claire’s law on her son’s boyfriend. The police won’t just give peoples private info out to anyone who asks! Only the son can ask, at best the police may tell them mum if this man is known to them. But they can’t and shouldn’t, give any specific information unless the child is believed to be a very significant risk of harm.

No, he has been to visit already a 'few times' and that could well be minimisation from the boy about how many times

Its also not clear if he visits the man at home or whether they meet up in a hotel

First post got it right. This needs reporting to the police.

She can make the application (although at work we have had a few times wher the police have refused our applications, so its not foolproof)

But she wont be given the information herself, the police will make an appointment with her son and from that he will know that someone made an application (and blame mum obviously). They'll invite him to recieve information about the man. He may refuse to engage with the police to hear it

They wont tell OP if the man is known to them, but if he is breaching any order then obviously it would flag that up.

She can.

Oh gosh what an awful position to be in. I can see why you want to play it carefully so he doesn't run further to this man.
It might not seem like it now, but your other son contacting the man might have done some good. Maybe it's scared him a bit. He's on the radar now.
Can you get a Clare's law done or something? Do you know his name if your son was able to contact him?
What is a grey area is I'm sure the law is 16 to be able to give consent.. which is shocking because it feels it allows these predators able to get away with it. I would seek advice from 101.

Yes she can ask but everything else I’ve said stands. And they will only tell info that’s relevant, and to her child not OP. Claire’s law is not easy to get, even in this scenario, given that the possible victim is not requesting it, they would have to have very significant reasons to share relevant info with anyone.

Of Course you can stop him, he’s 16 and still a child!

Sarah's Law 'allows parents, guardians, or concerned individuals to ask police if someone with access to a child has a record of child sexual offences', and is applicable to anyone under the age of 18.

OP, I wonder if there are any youth groups or similar for LGBT in your area? It might be another way for your DS to be supported.

How do you think she can stop him? Genuinely, what exactly can you do from preventing a 16yo leaving the house.

My (female) 16 year old cousin moved in with a 40+ boyfriend a couple of years ago. Aunt did everything possible but cousin told the police she was fine and happy and the police could do absolutely nothing.

Incidentally the guy had known her since she was 12 and used to be a teacher at her pony club (wasn't any longer) and still the police could / would do nothing because she said it was all fine. You need a lot more evidence than 'he's older so must be a groomer' for anything to be done.

The most you'll get the police to do is a welfare check where they will ask your son if he's happy with the situation, and they likely won't do that until after your son has gone to stay with him.

They're not going to do anything like look through the 30 year olds phone to see if he has photos of your son because they can't do that without a warrant and they can't get a warrant without some fairly serious evidence of a crime.

That is just how things are and it's important to recognise that so you can get an idea of how to approach things. The people who are flailing round accusing you of being a bad mother for not dragging him to the police station immediately are fortunate not to be in your position tbh.

i agree the best thing to do is communicate. Sit down with your son and talk through famous cases like Huw Edwards and Philip Schofield and explain that you're just worried that this man might have bad intentions and as you've never met him that makes you even more wary.

Tell your son that if he's in a relationship all you want is to meet the person he's with - him going and staying with someone you don't know in a place you don't know is very risky.

Tell him anyone who really cares about him is going to want him to be safe and would be fine with meeting you and sharing their information.

See how that goes. I would be surprised if the guy is willing to meet you and if he isn't you have a platform that may feel more valid to your son to say staying with him doesn't feel safe.

I would also, honestly, probably get DS1 to give me the guys online details, do some research to find out as much as I could about him and then if no meeting I'd forthcoming message him to say I've found out where he lives (even if that's a lie) and that if DS2 goes to stay with him I'll report him to the police for abduction, grooming etc. all that may not be true at all but the thought of a police raid is likely to put the guy off pretty quick. It's a nuclear option so save it for if communication with your son goes nowhere and you're genuinely worried he'll vanish.

Talk us through how you would stop him leaving the house?

@Iwasinthepool - I meant to quote your post.

Very good advice about PrEP.

I can’t comment on all the guys you met. However, as you say, attitudes were different back then and it sounds as though you found an older guy, who befriended and supported you. These days, you are right, it’s unthinkable, because any decent man would run a mile from any situation, where he could be perceived as a predator.

Idk what it was like for you as I’m in my 50s. But now kids get much better support and education and parents are in general so much more open with their kids. My mother was certainly not giving me safe sex talks and handing me condoms in case I needed them!

I just put your post into Chat Gpt and it replied with this:- I personally would engage with this and follow its advice in order to protect your relationship with your sons.

You’re not overreacting. What you’ve described would worry most parents a lot, and there are some genuinely serious safeguarding issues here.
A 16-year-old having a relationship with a man in his 30s—especially one that started online and involves secret travel—isn’t just a “difference of opinion” situation. In the UK, even though 16 is the age of consent, relationships like this can still fall under Sexual Offences Act 2003 protections around grooming and abuse of power, particularly if there’s any element of manipulation, secrecy, or emotional dependence. The fact that:

• it was hidden from you
• the man is significantly older
• your son has been travelling alone to meet him
• and your son is now becoming more secretive and defensive

…are all classic warning signs that something isn’t right. At the same time, your instinct about not pushing him so hard that he disappears completely is also important. If he cuts you off, you lose visibility—and right now, staying connected to him is one of the most protective things you can do.

What matters most right now1. Keep the relationship with your son intact (even if it’s strained)
Try to separate your feelings about the man from your connection with your son. If every conversation becomes “you’re wrong / this is dangerous,” he’s likely to double down.
You might aim for something like:

• “I’m scared because I care about you” (not “this is disgusting/wrong”)
• “Help me understand what you get from this relationship”
• “Can we agree some safety basics even if we don’t agree on everything?”

Even if you strongly disagree, keeping him talking to you is key. 2. Set some boundaries anyway You’re still his parent. You don’t have to “approve” this. That could include:

• Not agreeing to him staying away in London without knowing where he is
• Expecting contact/check-ins
• Making it clear you’re concerned about the adult’s behaviour, not judging him

He may push back—but calm, consistent boundaries matter. 3. Get advice from professionals (quietly, if needed) You don’t have to handle this alone. In the UK, you can speak confidentially to:

• NSPCC helpline (they deal with exactly this kind of situation)
• Your local safeguarding team via the council
• His school/college safeguarding lead

They can guide you on whether this meets thresholds for intervention and how to handle it without blowing things up further. 4. About your older son (ds1) His reaction is understandable—he’s scared and angry—but threatening the man could backfire, as you’ve already seen. It risks:

• escalating things legally
• pushing your younger son further toward the man
• making the man more defensive/secretive

It would help if ds1 steps back now, even though that’s hard. 5. The Easter “London” plan This is the most immediate concern. If you believe your son may be at risk, you are within your rights to escalate—this could include contacting police for advice. You don’t have to wait for something worse to happen. The difficult truthYou’re in a really hard middle ground:

• Push too hard → he may run and cut you off
• Say nothing → he may drift further into something unsafe

So the strategy is stay close, stay calm, but don’t normalise it. Bottom lineYou’re not being unreasonable—you’re responding to a situation that has clear risk factors. Backing off completely wouldn’t be the safe option, but neither is going in all guns blazing. If you want, I can help you:

• draft what to say to him so it doesn’t push him away
• think through how to handle the Easter situation step-by-step
• or work out what signs would mean you need to escalate urgently

You don’t have to figure this out on your own.

Do people really run everything by ChatGPT? I don’t mind AI but really???

Thats more likely to get the o.p a visit from the police than the older man. Again I think that is absolutely disgusting but the people on here geeing her or her ds1 up to harassment or even worse sicing deranged vigilanties on to the man are not helping at all.

The problem is that DS1 has committed a crime already, regardless of his motivation. Tracking someone down and threatening them (especially by message as it’s not something he can deny easily) is fucking ridiculous!

As far as I can see, however unsavoury, there is no proof as yet that the older man has actually committed a crime.

But DS1 risks himself being the one prosecuted.

is he always this violent?