Wedding Aftermath

[Greenhairedmonstor]

I have been mulling on this for a week. I only want opinions as I don’t know what to think and I am not going to say anything to anybody.

DH, my step-children 13 and 17 and I were invited to a wedding on DH’s side.

My children 9 and 12 weren’t.

While I don’t blame groom and while my children have their own father and I have lots of childcare I felt weird about going to a family wedding without my children so I decided not to go,

My husband however, contacted the groom and very generously they invited my children however when we got to the reception my children were on a different table. They were on a table together about four tables away from me, with two couples and a baby. They were pleasant people.

My daughter kept coming over to me and a waitress asked her politely to sit down as they were going to bring out the main course.

My husband asked my stepson to swap seats but he refused and my sister-in-law was quite sarcastic. I didn’t know what to do so finally I swapped seats with my own son.

My stepchildren appeared to be annoyed by this.

What would you have done?

So the mother could have swapped to start with. It was her and her husband that pushed her kids into the situation

She was an extra, it’s the OP who forced her invite. Absolutely ridiculous

Not as a blanket rule, no. These children have a good relationship with their own dad and see him regularly, the OPs husband has not in effect been their dad, they do not live with him full time with him taking that role. The OP does not have a child with DH who is biologically part of his family. It would not cross my mind that my children would be invited to my second husband’s family weddings.

Apparently the average cost of a wedding guest in the uk is about £270. Pretty rude to expect the B&G to have to pay a fortune to include the two children and then moan about the fact they have to sit on another table.

Sorry. As was made clear child is 9. Anyone with empathy would not expect her to sit at a table with strangers without her mum for what is likely to be a long time.

The whole family should’ve been invited in the first instance, it was cruel not to invite them. You did the right thing by refusing to go, how would that have made your kids feel if you & everyone else had gone without them? Anyone else suggesting it’s ok needs to use a little compassion and to think about how these (young) children would’ve been feeling already after an initial break up and a new family setting. As for the SIL if she doesn’t have kids she wouldn’t understand and her nose is out of joint cos she had to budget for them and move tables. Equally questionably mean for putting them on a different table. You did the right thing swopping with your son, she was obviously uncomfortable.

Why should OPs stepchildren miss out on their own families wedding just because their dad married someone with kids??

I say this as someone who was a stepchild, never a step parent. I never expected to be treated the same as my "step siblings" by their actual family. Of course i didn't, if my parents relationship broke down I'd never see any of them again.

The OP did not force the invite. Her DH did.

The bride & groom at a wedding choose their wedding guest list. They do not have to justify it or change it for anyone. You/your husband were rude to create a situation where they clearly felt pressured to make a change. And having done so, you've still got the neck to complain! A wedding day is about the bride & groom: not about you or your children. Next time be more graceful.

So your illogical feelings made it ok to ask for these poor people to pay for an extra two meals?

it blows my mind how entitled people can be. Most kids will probably be bored at weddings anyway.

Grow up and stop thinking the world revolves around you and your feelings.

You wouldn’t expect a 17 year old (practically an adult) to be capable of sitting with strangers but you do think OPs 9 year old should have been fine with it? Weird!

It sounds as though your children haven't been to formal events before and aren't very socialised in that way, despite their ages. We had families doing musical chairs at our wedding, we didn't say anything but wouldn't have invited them again.

I thought that the general consensus on here usually was that if they live with you they should be invited?

Seems odd to me that if childcare wouldn't be a problem then you wouldn't have looked into that before declining.

Shame when you said that you wouldn't go that your husband took it on himself to intervene rather than accept it.

Unless that was what you were hoping?

Or that he would decline when you did?

Its not about capability. Probably 99.9% of 17 year olds are capable to sit with strangers but why should they miss out on enjoying the wedding on their family's table.
It was rude of OP and her DH to ask someone else to move, they should have decided between themselves who would swap to the other table.
The 17 year old deserves an apology and I'm not surprised the SIL was annoyed.

Wow. So screw the wishes of the people who are actually getting married and actually paying a lot money for each guest?

Perhaps the children (who were only invited because the OP and the stepfather are CFs) should have been involved in the wedding party too - I mean nothing says ‘celebrate your wedding‘ like being forced to fork out for a couple of randomers 🤣🤣

So, you/your husband essentially demanded that space be found for your kids, the bride and groom had to scrabble around to accommodate them and then you moaned about the seating plan not being to your liking because apparently your nine-year-old (who they didn’t want to invite anyway) can’t sit next to her own brother and eat a meal without being up and down like a jack-in-the-box and getting under the waiting staff’s feet?

Have you ever heard the expression ‘beggars can’t be choosers’ because bloody hell.

I’m not surprised your teenage stepkids were annoyed. They just wanted to chill and enjoy the wedding with their dad and suddenly it became all about you and their annoying younger step siblings and their needs.

The seventeen year old was at a wedding of his own family, seated at a table where he was supposed to be sitting with people he was supposed to be sitting with. Presumably enjoying himself at an event for his family, Why should he be turfed off the table? Him specifically.

A 17-year-old obviously can sit with strangers but why the fuck should they when they were the one who was actually invited to the wedding of their own relative and the nine-year-old was a kid who nobody except the OP actually wanted there?

Personally, I'd invite the whole family but weddings are expensive and there is no obligation for the couple to invite anyone they don't want to or can't afford.

Your DH sounds quite entitled or maybe it was because of your reaction. I'm guessing you have form for this. I'm sure your children didn't want to go that badly and could have had more fun staying with a relative or friend while you all went. It's not actually compulsory to all go everywhere together.

But anyway, your DH got them added in. So they were accommodated - at a cost and yet your daughter couldn't manage to behave for an hour or so during the meal. Do you usually let your daughter wander around restaurants when waiting staff are trying to serve food. A child that age doesn't need to be attached to their parent 24/7 - you were in the same room for goodness sake.

Having pushed for your DC to be invited you could at least have made them behave appropriately.

Oh and well done for not only creating the drama in the first place but doubling down on it 🤣

Your stepson is probably concerned that every time his family has an event, either you will insist that your children are invited (with the subsequent drama if the food/seating etc isn’t brilliant) or they won’t be invited in the first place as people cba with the drama so it’s easier not to invite his father and him/his siblings

Haven’t RTFT so sorry if I’m repeating.
Your dh shouldn’t have pressured the couple for an invite, you just shouldn’t have gone.
However it is utterly ridiculous of them to sit them away from you at that age. They probably were struggling to seat them at that point but they really should have come up with something better even if it meant separating you and dh so one adult could be on the table each set of kids. It wasn’t fair to ask your stepson to swap.
Yanbu to be pissed off about it and I can see why it’s hurtful that they don’t view your dc as part of the family.

Bullshit. I’m an adult and hate being at a table where I know nobody. Seating children away from their parents is a shitty thing to do.

I’m also really surprised the waitress told her to sit down. I have never seen a wedding where people stayed sat in their assigned seats for the entire meal. I’d be surprised if the child was the only one moving about, did they tell others to sit down? Very bizarre. Unless someone asked them to ask the waitress to do that.

I would have re-arranged the seating to sit with my children if someone did this to me. Or I would have left. But then if my kids were only invited as an afterthought under pressure from someone else, I wouldn’t have gone.

@Greenhairedmonstor why wasn’t your husband ok with you just not going?

It’s a very odd thing for the bride and groom to do. I wouldn’t have gone or made a fuss about why they weren’t invited. As you did all end up going, I would have sat at the seperate table with the youngest and reseated the eldest at the family table with your DH.

They weren’t invited until the OP and her DH pushed it - why should they have to mess with seating places for family and friends who they may have known for years?

Pushing for extra guests then causing more drama is making me cringe for you 🙈🙈🙈

Sitting with the 9 year old was the most sensible thing to do, but the op thought Sitting with her husband was more important and then was annoyed when her step son wouldn't move.

She also thought her dd coming back and forward was acceptable only when the step son wouldn't move and waiting staff chastised the girl did the op decide to sit with her dd, so the op expected to get her own way and is now cross that it didn't go that way.