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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to oppose DH buying second home?

102 replies

DecanterFontReader · 27/03/2026 01:48

I would love to hear your opinions please. Married many years and we lived overseas in different countries for most of it due to DH job. The job was very busy with lots of travel and I supported him by staying at home and taking care of the family. DC are now adults but still living at home.

After moving back to home country we settled and bought a house. DH now retired and has large redundancy package and wants to use this (plus a great deal of our savings) to buy a second home several hours drive away in an area he loves. I do not like the area and don’t want to spend any time there. He intends to buy a house and spend 3 months a year now he has retired, and rent it out the rest of the time.

This is causing a great deal of conflict. I am against buying this house and it is wiping out most of our savings plus I feel he is checking out of family life and leaving me and the DC’s while he goes off on long holidays. I was hoping we could travel when he retires but we can’t do that now. He says it’s his money and that’s what he wants to do with it. I feel sad that he seems quite happy to spend long periods away and is also just presuming it will be ok for me to carry on alone taking care of the house and family.

Am I being unreasonable to be upset by this? Should I just accept he wants to spend long periods away in this place he likes?

OP posts:
99bottlesofkombucha · 27/03/2026 01:50

I’d see a lawyer about what you’re entitled to in a divorce. It’s not his money and he doesn’t sound like much of a dad or husband.

OhDear111 · 27/03/2026 01:59

What a completely selfish and unreasonable man. Has he got another life there? Or intend to make one there? Don’t agree to him spending joint savings. I’d be assuming he’s intending to stay there in the end.

GCAcademic · 27/03/2026 02:04

I'd look into divorcing him. That will.clarify whose money it is.

WhatWouldRoyKentSay · 27/03/2026 02:09

@DecanterFontReader it sounds like you have intermingled finances as you mention joint savings, but it also sounds like he views his redundancy package as his money, not family money.

I'd def be seeing a lawyer. If he really wants to buy the house, he can use whatever he's got post divorce and get a mortgage if he needs to. What a tosser.

FlyingPi · 27/03/2026 02:10

Unless your children have special needs, you're not needed to "look after them". So it's not really something he's leaving you with the job of doing, is it? I mean, he seems to want to live separately from you and I'm sure that hurts but I would try to separate that from the idea of him lumbering you with responsibilities. You're retired as well because the children are now adults. The question is, your different views of how to spend this retirement.
In theory renting out this 2nd house could be the income that lets you travel the rest of the year. But it seems more like he just wants to go and live there and you, fair enough, don't. He's got used to doing his own thing and maybe didn't see your future together the way you did. That's a blow, no doubt.

RudolphRNR · 27/03/2026 02:14

What is it about this other place that he loves but you don’t? Is there any compromise to be made? For example instead of him spending three months away could he go for a series of long weekends, returning home in between. Or could he go for two months instead of three with you and the adult kids joining him for one of the two months, so it’s less time apart.

Wanting to spend the savings on buying a house that only he wants is a real concern and I agree with the previous comment that it would be a good idea for you to see a solicitor for advice on your financial position in this. It must feel like a slap in the face when you have enabled his career over the years.

Walkden · 27/03/2026 02:16

To be clear, are you still staying at home to look after the family, despite them being adults?

Surely if neither of you are working, both of you can spend time away and leave your adults kids to their own devices.

It also sounds the area he wants to spend time in is of no interest to you and not somewhere you want to include in your travels?

PollyBell · 27/03/2026 03:27

They are adults they dont need looking after

caringcarer · 27/03/2026 03:43

Why can't your adult DC remain at home and you go with your DH to other house? If you no longer feel compatible you could consider divorce but if you are under 67 and have no disability a court might expect you to work to support yourself. You would not get child maintenance because your DC are adults but if you divorced you'd likely get 50 percent of joint assets/savings.

HoppingPavlova · 27/03/2026 03:44

plus I feel he is checking out of family life and leaving me and the DC’s while he goes off on long holidays. I was hoping we could travel when he retires but we can’t do that now. He says it’s his money and that’s what he wants to do with it. I feel sad that he seems quite happy to spend long periods away and is also just presuming it will be ok for me to carry on alone taking care of the house and family

???? You stated that your children, living at home, are adults. Therefore, how is he ‘checking out and leaving you with the children’, and ‘presuming it’s okay for you to take care of the family alone’?

If your kids are adults, what are you doing for them that requires your DH’s presence and assistance?

I understand you may not want joint saving spent on a second house, and fair enough, but the rest is odd. Maybe your DH wants a second home to get away from the adult children underfoot? We have adult kids living at home (while saving for deposits, renovating places to move into etc), and we love our weekends away to get away from them, so I get that aspect also.

Wallywobbles · 27/03/2026 04:03

Yes if my adult kids lived at home I’d leave most of the time too. But I’d be gutted if my retirement savings were being spent this way and DH and I had separate plans.

MayaPinion · 27/03/2026 04:09

How is your relationship? It sounds to me like he’s easing himself out of the marriage.

Highlighta · 27/03/2026 04:16

Have you thought maybe he wants to buy this second house so you and he can go there, to have some space to yourselves.

If you just don't want to spend the time with him, then you have other issues I'm afraid.

user1492757084 · 27/03/2026 04:21

Firstly consult your financial advisor together.
Seek advice on how the savings and redundancy would be divided should you divorce.
Let the information inform how much you each are worth.
Is it beneficial to own things jointly, alone, etc.

I would not separate over your retired husband wanting to spend three months in a place he enjoys every year. however, I would allow him to spend no more than his half of joint assets and I would change the house title, if need be, to reflect my increased ownership.

Accompany DH for most of the time he spends away.

You might love it too. Your marriage might need refreshing.

You would be free of having to live with adult children.

Do your children need time lines for when they need to be buying their own places - or joint places together?

Floatingdownriver · 27/03/2026 06:34

Pensions are marital assets.

he sounds like a horror.

HyacinthsAndPeonies · 27/03/2026 06:46

How much experience does he have of this other place if he's spent so much of his adult life living abroad? Is it all childhood memories? He should spend some time there on holiday before committing to buying a property, as it may not be how he remembers. Also, some areas (eg SW England) the locals don't all take kindly to 'outsiders' buying up housing stock as second homes.

I'd also be pointing out that the money is half yours as a marital asset, seeing as you couldn't have a career whilst looking after the family. You need to assert that he doesn't use more than his own half.

topcat2014 · 27/03/2026 06:50

Thing is, if you have a lot of ready cash it needs to be invested somewhere. 9 months Airbnb would bring in a bit as well. Is the new home on the coast?

UnbeatenMum · 27/03/2026 06:54

I think spending in a marriage should reflect both people's priorities so him using such a large amount on something you're not interested in definitely feels unfair and unbalanced. You want to travel and it sounds like the property purchase makes that impossible? As a compromise is there potential to get a smaller property or a fixer-upper to leave more money in the savings pot? Or to try out the idea by renting initially? I'm not sure if you work or not but if not perhaps now is the time to find something you love doing and work towards your own goals. This also puts you in a better position if the relationship ends.

TheStepboardisfullofbitteroddos · 27/03/2026 06:55

Everyone i know with a second home agrees it's not a good investment financially. It's a faff to rent and really doesn't make that much money unless it's a very fancy property and in that case the upkeep and running costs are much higher- pool/ gardeners/ repairs etc.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 27/03/2026 07:00

99bottlesofkombucha · 27/03/2026 01:50

I’d see a lawyer about what you’re entitled to in a divorce. It’s not his money and he doesn’t sound like much of a dad or husband.

This really.

It’s not his money and he’ll soon find that out!

Ohfudgeoff · 27/03/2026 07:00

You've lived abroad most of your working life, What's your pension situation? Hopefully the savings he hopes to spend are not your retirement savings?

Freshstartyear25 · 27/03/2026 07:00

The ‘kids’ are adults, what’s the looking after we’re talking about here. Why can’t you also go and spend the 3 months together. If I have worked all my life, I will also want to enjoy my retirement, when else can one enjoy life, tomorrow is not guaranteed.
If there’s still money to enjoy retirement after spending on this then I will explore it.
The only issue i can see here is you don’t like the location. Maybe if you open up to the idea, you both can sit down and plan properly for both of your retirements.

MyballsareSandy2015 · 27/03/2026 07:01

I’d love to see his face when a solicitor explains how much of “his money” you can stroll away with.**

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 27/03/2026 07:03

I do agree with those questioning what there is that needs to be done for DCas they’re adults, but that doesn’t take away from the fact that joint savings (savings in a marriage) aren’t for one person to use alone.

It also feels like he’s ending the marriage already by wanting to be away for so much of the time.

Whyherewego · 27/03/2026 07:05

TheStepboardisfullofbitteroddos · 27/03/2026 06:55

Everyone i know with a second home agrees it's not a good investment financially. It's a faff to rent and really doesn't make that much money unless it's a very fancy property and in that case the upkeep and running costs are much higher- pool/ gardeners/ repairs etc.

This is spot on. I have a second home abroad. I've owned it 20 plus years, it's in the village my parents live in. It's worth fairly much what I have paid/invested in over the years ie no capital appreciation. I'd say it's all in all a similar cost to renting holiday homes once or twice a year. But obviously it's easier because I have clothes and things there. But my parents are now too old to help with maintenance, so I have to pay for that separately and of course stuff always goes wrong. I'd say once a year at least there's something to sort even if it's just clearing gutters or whatever.
So it's not a good idea from an investment perspective really but there are other factors at play here. It sounss like you both have very different retirement ideas ... this is the biggest challenge

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