AIBU to oppose DH buying second home?

[DecanterFontReader]

I would love to hear your opinions please. Married many years and we lived overseas in different countries for most of it due to DH job. The job was very busy with lots of travel and I supported him by staying at home and taking care of the family. DC are now adults but still living at home.

After moving back to home country we settled and bought a house. DH now retired and has large redundancy package and wants to use this (plus a great deal of our savings) to buy a second home several hours drive away in an area he loves. I do not like the area and don’t want to spend any time there. He intends to buy a house and spend 3 months a year now he has retired, and rent it out the rest of the time.

This is causing a great deal of conflict. I am against buying this house and it is wiping out most of our savings plus I feel he is checking out of family life and leaving me and the DC’s while he goes off on long holidays. I was hoping we could travel when he retires but we can’t do that now. He says it’s his money and that’s what he wants to do with it. I feel sad that he seems quite happy to spend long periods away and is also just presuming it will be ok for me to carry on alone taking care of the house and family.

Am I being unreasonable to be upset by this? Should I just accept he wants to spend long periods away in this place he likes?

I appreciate you don't want to spend time in this area but is he banking on that? As in is he picking an area where you are much less likely to visit or stay. If that is the situation I would argue your marriage is in trouble. You aren't worried he has a girlfriend he wants to set up house with?

For me he sounds very selfish and only interested in what makes him happy. But I suppose he's used to you facilitating his happiness so he's probably always been selfish you're just seeing it clearly now. I really would do a bit more digging because if you both had plans to travel why has he shelved them?

Can I ask, did you also work full time to contribute to the savings pot? Also, how old are your DC?

Could he look at buying a campervan and using that to spend some long weekends in the area he wants to buy the second home? You could also use it for your own travels to places you want to see. I agree, going away for 3 months at a time sounds like a long time to leave your wife and not see your kids.

I'm guessing this isn't in the UK, but here you end up paying a lot of extra tax in stamp duty, council tax (and income tax if you rent it out). Unless you're super wealthy it's not really worth doing from a financial perspective.

Edit: wrong thread

He sounds very selfish and entitled.

He has got used to a separate life and wishes to hold on to that somehow unless it’s him going off alone purely because op refuses to go. Op may be over invested in her children as that was all that was in her life, it’s not obvious. DH uncle worked overseas on huge engineering projects and earned massive amounts of money but it was to the detriment of his marriage.

If you don’t have joint accounts while morally it is questionable until divorce it doesn’t have to be shared. Maybe this is the end of this marriage.

The bot OP isn't coming back so it's difficult to answer this without more info. But I'm almost on the side of the husband. The wife claims to be looking after the house but her kids are adults... hmmm! Basically she didn't want to work and has sat at home, whilst he went to work, benefitting from his earnings. I think I'd feel a bit like I had more right to decide what to do with the money if she hasn't contributed to it. I'd just divorce her. He's cocked up really, he should have left her before the redundancy as she will presumably get her hands on half of it now despite never contributing a penny.

AI? Another weird 3 word name and, well 🤷🏽‍♀️

Divorce asap would be my go to as soon as yesterday to protect my share of the money if nothing else.

@DecanterFontReader he doesn't want the marriage or family, at least for long periods of time. If you've never worked outside of the home he sees the assets and savings as basically his.
You have 2 clear choices. Let him go ahead and carry on being financially supported by a frequently absent DH. Or divorce, get your share of the marital assets which sound substantial, and set up afresh on your terms.
Either way you're in a relatively comfortable position.
Your adult children aren't really part of the equation. They will need to fit into whatever arrangement you go for or strike out independently.

I’d say the second home is the least of your problems. Don’t get distracted by it.
Your marriage is in crisis.

Confusing. Why do you need to be at home looking after adult children?! And what is it you don’t like about the area where he wants to buy a house? It doesn’t sound like he’s saying he doesn’t want you to come and stay there too - it seems to be you saying you wouldn’t want to.

also a little confusing about the finances. Are the savings a joint thing? You also say he’s retired and has a good redundancy package. Do you mean pension? Or redundancy?

bottom line is, it sounds as though the vast majority of the money has been his earnings (or redundancy/pension) and if he’s worked all his adult life then it’s not unreasonable he wants a project now he’s retired. You say you expected to travel after his retirement but it sounds like his working life has been spent hopping around to different countries. So maybe for him, retirement is about actually stopping in one place. I’m not saying work travel is the same as leisure travel, but it sounds like he just wants to settle now he’s able to not work constantly.

there’s a lot to unravel here but my first question would be why the hell do you feel you need to stay at home to provide care for adult offspring? Unless there’s about to be some massive drip feed about them needing round the clock care, this doesn’t make sense.

could he air bnb for 3 months a year for a few years first?

It would be FAR cheaper & he could use the interest of invested redundancy money.

Honestly hes worked for decades and he loves it clearly. I wouldnt stop him going for periods solo if its his dream and thats what he wants (although who wants to leave their spouse and child for 3 months?!).
Is it somewhere weird/ unusual if he loves it and you dont?
I cant think of many places I dislike so much I wouldnt go for a month or so if my husband was there? Is there any compromise?

Also are your children disabled or special needs? If there are graduates what do they really need?

To be clear I think theres lots of options between buying a second home and divorce

But if he unilaterally said he was going ahead and committing family cash.on a purchase I'd tell him I want security and to enjoy retirement so will be starting divorce proceedings.
He can live their full time with his portion of marital assets.

As the "poor partner" you are in a strong position and will likely take more than 50% of assets.

Another vote for divorce, take half of your rightfully earned family money, and go travelling. What a misogynistic ahole. Don't spend these glorious years towing the line for this pig.

Are you, perchance, a man?

Generally and assuming the jurisdiction has similar laws to the UK they are marital assets in a divorce. If the money is in his name he can spend it how he likes whilst married. That is a decision that might lead to a divorce….

He sounds selfish. Its not his money. You're married its a joint asset.

You are both 'retiring', your SAHP job is over now, and your 'supporting a working husband' job will be over soon. You need to both sit down and talk about what retirement looks like. What does he do at the other place? is it a hobby like fishing or hillwalking or birding that you've no interest in. Or does he just want to base his life there? I think it's understandable he might not feel ready to travel right away, might need some down time first before planning any travels but you are right that the house purchase is a big decision that would then dictate years to come. Maybe talk about putting all big purchases on hold for a year at least? What would you both like to do in that first year of retirement?
And then what is the plan with your kids? do you want to live with them forever? or do you as a couple need some space from them?
Frankly, if your visions for the next 20 years are vastly different, then yes, PPs are right that you should consider going your separate ways.

Assuming you have been married for a long time all the money is joint.
I’m afraid to say this - but several things are going on here, including your priority with him. He can visit the area on a day / overnight basis once a month if he likes. You and the children (adult) can move there if they want to - but they and you don’t seem to want to. So it’s not fair or reasonable to buy a house there and him just to pop off and live there. It won’t be 3 months a year.

Is there someone in this area that he is close to?
He doesn’t want to spend much time with you (he worked away for years and left you to raise the family).

I would suggest looking at what you want, to travel. So you can split - half his redundancy is yours and half the pensions and half your current house. Starting a new chapter without him maybe? If you like where you live, friends, nice area and children etc I would seriously consider a divorce. Or you sit down and make a plan together for what you both want.

My husband and I are slowing down and I was to travel with him, do our allotment together and spend time with him. My husband saw his redundancy as ours, his pensions as ours.

You aren’t a brood mare from the 1800s. What is what you want after working hard for all these years? he isn’t even considering what you want, it is all his. His right to move where he wants and do what he likes. Not discussed and that’s not an equal partnership.

Divorce

@DecanterFontReader would he listen about the ^^ financial implications? Present him with a detailed cost breakdown. A friend had this argument with her DH (and she lost).

She was right, he was wrong. They used all their savings to buy a second home. He said it would appreciate and they’d have a rental income.

It’s now worth less than their purchase price and not likely to appreciate anytime soon. It doesn’t rent enough to make a profit. It costs £ in how they have to pay management fees, cleaners, higher council tax, insurance, all the H&S rental requirements, maintenance, breakages, private rubbish disposal (council won’t for second homes).

Not to mention that the economy is currently looking in bad shape. Discretionary spend will drop. Even if some might holiday at home because of the Middle East conflict, they’ll be the households looking for higher end rentals. And not enough of them.

All in all my friend has lost considerable money. Would your ‘D’H rent initially to test the waters. Not if stubborn and self focused. Frustrating for you.

I don't think the OP will be back to answer any of the questions asked.

You’re married ! So it’s not HIS money and his alone.

Is it fuck his money, if you're married he literally signed a contract with you to share money, plus he only managed to acquire that money because you took care of everything at home.

I'd be pointing this out to him and also asking him if he actually wants to stay married, because making unilateral decisions about finances and where he spends the majority of his time, where he will holiday etc etc very much sounds like he wants to live like a single person. It was different when he had to go away for work, which presumably you agreed to at the time. But that didn't mean you agreed for him to make all decisions about your life, forever

Maybe look at it from his viewpoint. He's spent 40 years working to keep you all and provide a home. Now retired he wants to live somewhere (rural? coastal? mountainous ?) rather than in a town or city. Nothing wrong with that,except it sounds like you want different things from retirement. It will either need some compromise or for you to go your separate ways.