AIBU to oppose DH buying second home?

[DecanterFontReader]

I would love to hear your opinions please. Married many years and we lived overseas in different countries for most of it due to DH job. The job was very busy with lots of travel and I supported him by staying at home and taking care of the family. DC are now adults but still living at home.

After moving back to home country we settled and bought a house. DH now retired and has large redundancy package and wants to use this (plus a great deal of our savings) to buy a second home several hours drive away in an area he loves. I do not like the area and don’t want to spend any time there. He intends to buy a house and spend 3 months a year now he has retired, and rent it out the rest of the time.

This is causing a great deal of conflict. I am against buying this house and it is wiping out most of our savings plus I feel he is checking out of family life and leaving me and the DC’s while he goes off on long holidays. I was hoping we could travel when he retires but we can’t do that now. He says it’s his money and that’s what he wants to do with it. I feel sad that he seems quite happy to spend long periods away and is also just presuming it will be ok for me to carry on alone taking care of the house and family.

Am I being unreasonable to be upset by this? Should I just accept he wants to spend long periods away in this place he likes?

Gosh! What an entitled man your DH is!

You are an equal partner in your marriage. He can’t make a decision like this about spending joint money, particularly as it’s not something that will benefit both of you.

Absolutely dig your heels in @DecanterFontReader , do not let this happen.

If it’s all looking like he’s intending going ahead, move swiftly with a forensic look at your money situation. Take screenshots and see a solicitor.

Loving the idea that she is also ‘retiring’ from being a SAHM. The offspring are adults - so we can presume she’s already had quite a number of years ‘retirement’!!

I think some posters are missing the point that she effectively gave up any chance of a career to support her DH. They lived overseas in different countries for his job and he was very busy with lots of travel. She supported him by staying at home and taking care of the home and HIS children. He was able to build up a decent pension and take a substantial redundancy package, due to his DW fully supporting him.

She is an equal partner. It’s not his money, it’s their money.

Oh dear.

Did you talk about your long term / retirement plans?

Would he be happy for you to be with him for the 3 months away?

It sounds as if he may be burnt out and exhausted by years of working around the world and now doesn’t want to trek of travelling but just settle.

Whereas you of course have followed him to places dictated by his job so now want to have more independence.

How recent is this plan? After a period of decompression might be feel differently?

Would renting somewhere for an extended period this year give both of you time to think?

Would Couples Counselling give you both a safe space to talk (not row) about this? Discuss your feelings?

Transition always exposes fault lines. Children grown, end of work, start of retirement are big moves, emotionally, financially, practically.

Try not to weaponise your children. Being 4 hours away from adult offspring is not checking out.

also mostly wondering why you’re taking care of your family at this stage. Seems like you could solve the logistics problem by selling your home and using that money to buy a house somewhere you both like. Or two small flats or something if you have very different tastes.

I don’t see how he’s checking out of parenting unless there’s a massive drip feed coming.

OP the most concerning thing about this is that he wants to spend 3 months there and doesn't seem to care what you want - did he ask you to go with him, but you refused? Because if not, it sounds like he is checking out of the marriage - it's a slow move away from family life.
The second most concerning thing is that he thinks the money is his - in the event of a divorce after a long marriage, all assets are shared, and your contribution as a homemaker is considered equal in the law to his as breadwinner. But a lot of men think like this - then come in for a shock in the divorce courts.
What you want and what he wants are very different - and as he's newly retired and your children are grown, you are both at a crossroads as to how the rest of your lives look. I'm not generally an advocate for marriage guidance counselling, but perhaps you would benefit from it?

Thank you to everyone who commented. I will read them more throughly and try to reply more later. I want to add that our DS has had mental health issues for a considerable amount of time and is at home now but hoping with the help he is getting he will able to move forward with his life. I wouldn’t mind so much my DH spending time away in an Airbnb but it’s more his insistence on buying a property that I am not happy about - it’s such a tie.

Agree with PPs re second property, you would have to be completely insane to want to own a second property at the moment.

However, I find it odd that having lived all over the place for your DH's work you cannot bring yourself to like the one place he really likes and wants spend a lot of his time in now he has retired. How can it be that bad?

Basically she didn't want to work and has sat at home said absolutely no one who ever raised a family and looked after children day in, day out. It was a pleasure to return to work to wee by myself, have an adult conversation and not spend hours doing the laundry and house chores.

Stop with the stay at home mum bashing - it’s not relevant or called for!

OP I would seek legal advice but I’d look into whether you can open a separate savings account in your name and transfer half of your joint savings into there. It would still be a marital asset of course but it means he can’t use it against your wishes.

Maybe you are looking at it the wrong way - the OP spent 40 years supporting his career and raising his children! Does that not count for anything - not even a say on how they spend their joint savings?

All the people commenting that the children don't need looking after any more - presumably the OP mainly just wanted her to spend a bit of time with her husband now he's retired and is upset that he seems to have other plans. Rather than needing his help as such.

Especially with a dh who travels!! I would say no to any jobs requiring that kind of travel from dh because it’s not compatible with our family and my career and both of those matter too, not just his career.

I am looking at it from his viewpoint. He was an absent dad and now he could finally see them all more of course he’d rather fuck off somewhere more fun while spending substantial family funds to do so and telling her it’s his money. He’s objectively an asshole. The bright side is that it’s quite obvious the kids won’t even notice he’s gone.

Renting out/landlording is not for the faint hearted, After May 1st the entire renting landscape will change with tenants having a great deal more power to bargain over rents etc. It will also be a lot more difficult to be rid of unsatisfactiry tenants. Even if your DH is thinking of short term letting there are many legal requirements, There is also the spectre of ripoff double council tax in many areas if the home is not a residence.

Is he planning to move out and screw you over?

Previous posters are right, holiday rentals need

• oil tank inspection
• - annual boiler service
• - PAT testing
• - fire extinguishers servicing
• - meeting increasingly draconian requirements of fire regulations
• - double council tax
• - extra TV licence
• - proper housekeeping
• - a lot of bedding and towels

thats just a few things off the top of my head

Go get a free 30min consult with a divorce lawyer.
That redundancy money isn't his - if you divorce him you will get half.
If your DS is still a dependant and lives with you, he may still be financially liable for that too.

Anyway, your husband sounds like an absolute arse - don't let him take advantage of you.

Good luck

Of course, which is why a compromise is required. OP wants to travel, her dh does not, so they each have to agreed to share each others interests or they spend long periods apart, pursuing their own interests, or they divide their assets and go their separate ways.

Funny how you haven’t said anything about his statement that his substantial payout is just his to spend. They cannot compromise while he holds all the money for just him.

Let him buy the house then divorce him and he can live in it!

Bollox. Men are quite capable of having a career without the support of a woman at home. Its not the 1960's.

She didn't want to work and has been happy to sponge off her husband her whole life. It was her choice not to have a career, her choice not to earn money and her choice not to build up a pension. She can't cry about not having financial independence now when she's lazed around for 30 years whilst he worked to food on the table and a roof over her head.

But he earned the money whilst she Sat on her arse. Why shouldn't he spend it? If she wants to fund her travels, she should go out and earn the cash to pay for it?

He pursued his career whilst she cared for HIS children and the home. She gave up her chance of a career, whilst she supported him.

They moved around overseas, for his job. It would have made her working position very difficult. Clearly they both agreed to their domestic situation and he took full advantage of being free of domestic and child care responsibilities.