AIBU to oppose DH buying second home?

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I would love to hear your opinions please. Married many years and we lived overseas in different countries for most of it due to DH job. The job was very busy with lots of travel and I supported him by staying at home and taking care of the family. DC are now adults but still living at home.

After moving back to home country we settled and bought a house. DH now retired and has large redundancy package and wants to use this (plus a great deal of our savings) to buy a second home several hours drive away in an area he loves. I do not like the area and don’t want to spend any time there. He intends to buy a house and spend 3 months a year now he has retired, and rent it out the rest of the time.

This is causing a great deal of conflict. I am against buying this house and it is wiping out most of our savings plus I feel he is checking out of family life and leaving me and the DC’s while he goes off on long holidays. I was hoping we could travel when he retires but we can’t do that now. He says it’s his money and that’s what he wants to do with it. I feel sad that he seems quite happy to spend long periods away and is also just presuming it will be ok for me to carry on alone taking care of the house and family.

Am I being unreasonable to be upset by this? Should I just accept he wants to spend long periods away in this place he likes?

Your kids are adults. Assuming you're not employed, that makes you both retired now. But you both start new phases of your lives going forward.

He isn't on the same page as you. Perhaps you thought he would be for whatever reason? He wants what he wants. You want what you want.

He thinks he has x amount of money to do that. He doesn't. He has perhaps half of that. Get a lawyer. Enjoy the globe, you earned it looking after the family all these years, while he had the freedom to work, and build up both money and the delusion that he calls all the shots and owns everything. Make sure you find pensions, investments etc on your deep dive, before swimming free.

My dad got redundancy at retirement so it is possible. His job was being discontinued due to relocation of station and it just coincided nicely. As he had been there most of his working life on the older contract he got a nice payout.

Do you honestly think this man could have taken jobs in different countries, moved the kids and found childcare and schools and looked after them and done their pick ups and cooked their meals and also put them in sports or clubs and then rinse and repeat in a few years and also done his whole job well? If his wife had worked and said actually you take them over and settle them in, I want to first close this project at work and then I’ll need to find something else not just be unemployed if I haven’t found anything shortly I’ll come visit after you’ve been there a couple of weeks and see if I can line up some meetings, I’ve emailed you my thoughts on what we need in a house and schools and mental health support for our child have you told your job youlll need every second Monday morning to start at 11 after johnnys paediatrician /psychiatrist appt and to leave by 4 every Thursday for the OT?

not a fucking chance

It's not his money, the AH, it's jointly your money.
Def see a lawyer, let's hope they know how to block it. What an absolute tw@t to be so selfish now your heading into retirement.

I knew or a husband who proposed a similar idea to his wife (buy a second property to rent it out).

It was all part of his carefully constructed plan to leave his wife. After he bought the house he started “the script” (I.e. he was “depressed” and needed a break).

He moved into the rental and stayed there permanently. He never had any intention of renting it out.

It was very sad. His children grew up and although he sometimes visited - it wasn’t the same. He destroyed his family.

Same

Has he looked into the full cost implications of owning a second property? In UK x3 amount of Council Tax may be introduced on the second home in 2-3 years. Some areas are actively trying to discourage second home buyers because they can afford prices higher than locals can pay and are therefore not welcome.

Is your DH aware of how much work is involved in ‘renting out a house’? Presumably if he wants to live there 3 months of the year, he’d have to run it as an Airbnb and that’s hardly a relaxing life. One of my family has an Airbnb house and it’s a constant cycle of keeping on top of maintenance, cleaning and of course marketing, if uptake is low.

Basically he grew accustomed to not being with his family over the years and enjoyed it so much that in his retirement he wants to buy a home in an area he knows you hate so he can avoid you all more. Nice guy.

He obviously is not buying to let out as a home if he wants it for himself for 3 months a year .

Has he really thought this through ? Is the plan a month at a time , 3 times a year or I 3 month stint ?

To get the best returns from renting he needs to be willing to rent it out every holiday period , all late spring , all summer , and early autumn i.e whenever the weather is nice and whenever people might want to holiday , Christmas , New Year , Easter , school half terms etc so it would be available to him during the more dreary months only .

Then he will have to put it in the hands of a company to clean after every booking ,
change beds , advertise it and take bookings . He will also be responsible for the upkeep .

I think it’s worth a good chat and trying to find a compromise. It’s a secret dream of mine to buy a little house in the mountains and spend weeks alone walking… at the moment totally burnt out and exhausted from work and family life, and I’m also aware that I’m getting older and won’t be up to mountain climbing for ever, and really haven’t done as much of it as I’d like. It’s certainly not because I don’t love my partner and family, and realistically it’s not likely to happen unless I unexpectedly come into lots of money… but I can certainly see myself getting an old camper van and doing a few solo trips when I retire (I would go with dp but he really isn’t into mountain walking and complains rather a lot of he comes with). Or maybe renting a cheap place for the odd few days alone. Perhaps he’s feeling similarly, that he’s getting older and regrets not spending much time somewhere he loves. I think I’d explore with him what compromises there might be, and explain your worries about tying up so much of your savings.

Is this maybe his actual plan anyway?

No. She gave up her career because she wanted to give up her career. Most families have two full time working parents. It's difficult but it's possible and most manage. There is absolutely no reason why she couldn't have worked. It was her choice.

Do you honestly think that there are no single parents in this country who do literally everything for the home and kids whilst holding down a full time job? It is perfectly possible.

You're just making excuses for her. If she wanted to work she could have but she didn't want to work do she didn't.

Her DC are now adults. You are comparing today’s climate with how it was twenty years ago. Yes, today it’s usual for both parents to work. Having said that some couples still decide one will be a SAHP, as it works for them. SAHP are frequently vilified on Mumsnet which is grossly unfair.

Twenty years ago, it was more common for the woman to be a SAHP. In the OP’s situation, where one partner had a job that could support them all and involved moving countries and lots of travel, they obviously decided this was best for their family. The DH evidently agreed to this and it gave him the luxury of having the home and his DC cared for, whilst he pursued his career.

This is just really unfair. There are many spouses who work by looking after the dc and home and moving countries and doing the work schmoozing needed to enable the other spouse to have a well paid career, especially abroad

You’re forgetting that 20 years ago the wife may not have qualified to work in the different countries they moved to. My mum didn’t have any working rights in any of the multiple countries we lived in.

Do you know many of those people with two full time jobs who’ve moved countries several times and have a child with additional support needs? I’ve moved a family while both of us worked full time, and doing the move itself was really hard. dh thinks he did half the work, which makes him delusional. It then took me 6 months to find a job even though we’d gone back to our home country. Just as well as finding childcare and buying a house and choosing a school etc was all a huge load. My mum didnt work, but moved countries many times with 6 children and frankly even if she’d been legally able to work there is just absolutely no way it would have been manageable!

we now have two full time jobs and 3 dc and dh wants to buy a new house and I can’t handle the idea of packing up our current one, I’m so maxed out. If he came home and said I’ve taken a role overseas I’d say make sure you file for the divorce before you go.

This is often how the men with high flying careers see it, when the wife has taken on the all the care for the dc and home to enable it.

It is absolutely not how the law sees it when it comes to divorce - a sahp's role is seen as an equal contribution to the marriage. It being her choice, or not, doesn't even come into it. Her career sacrifice is also accounted for, and she will receive eg. an equal pension share.

Yes, most parents both work nowadays, but many high earning men do encourage their wives to give up work, because then their career progression is unhampered by childcare & housework, and they can work long hours or move countries as their job requires, safe in the knowledge that the wife can follow and care for their dc.

I'd say OP's DH is rather too used to having his own way, and the OP just following.

You don't need a DH to 'agree' to you working or not working. If you want to work, you work.

I'm also not comparing to today. I suspect I'm roughly the same age as the OP as I also have grown up children. I'm talking about my own experience and that of all of my friends who without exception, all worked throughout motherhood and would not dream of not working.

Calling the OP a SAHM is a stretch. Yes, in the early days of a child you can get away with labelling yourself as a SAHM but her children are grown ups. Now she's just staying at home.

As the DH’s work took him away from home and involved them moving countries, perhaps you’d like to suggest what career the OP could have had?

Oh wow! Are you suggesting that a man's career takes priority over the woman's? She has exactly the same career options as every other human (man or woman). Married couples need to work together to ensure they have equal opportunities. She chose to follow him round the world, he didn't hold her at gunpoint. She had a choice. She chose not to work.

I agree with this. I'd rather get half the redundancy money and savings in a divorce than lose it in a second home that only he gets to enjoy for months at a time opting out of family.

Oh wow, back at you, I’m commenting on the actual situation. Stop with the are you suggesting rubbish.

Am re-reading your first post - if he is talking about 3m a year in it, he’s talking about a property in the EU, isn’t he? One where residency rules limit him to 90 days use.

I would seek specialist advice as you may not have the same legal rights to that property if it is not in your name too and there may be local differences in whether this would be considered a joint marital asset etc in the event of a divorce. Also, who would pay/be liable for tax on any rental income? I think you need to ring-fence your share of savings or change the account permissions so that you BOTH need to permission using the funds.

I’d also consider exploring your options to separate as it is quite clear he has never really been fully invested in your marriage. Divorce now may mean you can downsize into your own property now and he could just move to the favourite place he’s always wanted to live in without either of you being bound.