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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

mocked for Gold DofE and 'acting British'

183 replies

swpark · 26/03/2026 23:05

We’ve lived in London suburbs since 2010 when we moved to the UK. It’s a leafy, quiet spot, and while it’s not the most diverse part of London, it’s a pro-European lib dem voter area. With our neighbors and our international employers being so welcoming, we’ve always felt like we fit right in and never faced any discrimination. There were occasionally instances of small comments or hearsay, but it was never anything serious.

Our kids grew up here. They went to a local nursery, the local state primary, and then the local state comprehensive secondary and sixth form. We’re originally from Eastern Europe, but we’ve got our dual citizenship and we’ve built a good life here. We’re university-educated with good jobs, and while London prices mean we aren’t exactly 'rolling in it', we’re doing fine since we own our (tiny) home and enjoy our holidays.

Today, my teen daughter came home incredibly upset. She was bullied and mocked at school because she just finished her Gold DofE. Because the Gold level of the award is new to her school, it was announced in the weekly school newsletter. She has a good circle of friends at school, but this other crowd really went for her. They called the whole thing useless and pretentious, saying she only did it because she’s a snob and wanted to 'act British'. They even dragged us into it, claiming we pressured her into it because we’re desperate to belong and that, as Eastern Europeans, we never actually will. She’s obviously excited for the Buckingham palace award ceremony. Anyone would be, but they acted like her (and our) excitement was just us trying too hard to fit in.

The worst part is that she genuinely loved the whole experience. She’s super sporty and outdoorsy, so the hiking and camping were right up her street, and she already does swimming and basketball anyway. She used her real hobbies, singing and cooking, for her skills and spent two years volunteering at a hospital and with girl guides (rainbows unit helper). The only 'extra' bit was a summer camp which she chose for her residential trip, but that was also useful for her uni personal statement.

Now she says she feels like a 'second-class Brit'. It’s heartbreaking because she grew up here; this is her home. She’s being made to feel like an outsider just for having some ambition and putting in the effort. Why be so bullish and judgmental toward someone who’s just working hard and making the most of things? This caught me completely off guard as she has never had any such incidents at school. She was really shaken by how nasty and aggressive their comments were.

OP posts:
Namechangerage · 27/03/2026 08:44

WearyAuldWumman · 26/03/2026 23:11

It's jealousy, pure and simple.

My dad was Eastern European, but Mum was Scottish and I was born in Scotland.

i got good grades at school and was accused of being 'posh' and having rich parents. Mum used to be a housekeeper and later a waitress and factory worker. Dad was a coalminer.

My surname was obviously Eastern European and I was academic; ergo, I was picked on.

I got called posh and stuck up at school because I was quiet, well-spoken and studious and got awards in assembly quite often.

In reality my mum was on income support as she couldn’t work due to panic attacks (her usual job was a cleaner) and we were living in a homeless hostel.

Zsnga · 27/03/2026 08:48

Huge congratulations to your girl. Volunteering with the Rainows would have been a whole new skill in itself and Im saying this as a Rainbow leader. What a role model for those little ones to have.. I agree straight up jealousy.

JuliettaCaeser · 27/03/2026 08:51

I was also called posh and square. I genuinely didn’t care because even then I could see the full picture. To them I guess I was posh and square!

Actually some of the lads that called me posh did some work on our house a few years ago they are perfectly nice now. They agree I am still posh.

DrNo007 · 27/03/2026 08:52

HugeMonstera · 27/03/2026 08:42

There seem to be a lot of well-meaning posters terribly anxious to tell the OP that it’s not an ethnic slur against her DD being Eastern European. Respectfully, the bullies themselves referenced her background — why wouldn’t you take them at their word? Why try to explain away the role of ethnicity in this unpleasant incident?

I think people are not saying it's nothing to do with ethnicity; I think they are saying that bullies just pick on anything in the 'victim' that stands out, in order to try to make the victim feel inadequate. That might be that you have ginger hair, are very good at a certain subject, have crooked teeth, need glasses, have an unusual accent, are especially tall or short, or have late-developing breasts (I'm familiar with several of these from first hand experience). So if the OP's daughter wasn't Eastern European but was excelling in the DofE award, they would still attack her for that, no doubt in addition picking on some additional unusual characteristic beyond her control, in order to drive home the knife. They are trying to make the victim feel bad about themselves using whatever personal feature might 'press their buttons'.

CapacityBrown · 27/03/2026 08:55

Awful way to be treated OP, but I'm not surprised as the Lib Dem pro-European people who populate your area do it to virtue signal and aren't actually that tolerant. For them Brexit meant less easy access to cheaper nannies and plumbers from Eastern Europe, and not less Eastern European friends treated as equals.

FlamboyantlyIncognito · 27/03/2026 09:00

Gold D of E is an outstanding achievement. She should be so proud of that. Absolutely to class imo and it's usually a sign of someone with a brilliant attitude, someone with proper back-bone, bright, committed and able to push-through. She should be so proud of what she's done. The other kids are just muppets. She's got to rise above it. They'll soon be forgotten and once she leaves school and moves on she'll never see them again. They wont move in her high-attainment circles.

LimpysGotCancer · 27/03/2026 09:03

Urgh, I'm so sorry OP, that's awful.

I remember similar comments from my schooldays, directed towards anyone who was enjoyed applying themselves, being genuine and trying to achieve new things. It was a sin to be earnest and "try too hard", the only acceptable behaviour was to be cool, detached, uninterested. I always interpreted it as being fearful of failure and so disdaining anyone who tried - crabs in a bucket mentality.
.
Anyway, the point I'm making is that some horrible jealous people would be like this whatever your daughter's background was - the nationality thing is really just a peg to hang it on. If her parents were British nationals they would just find something else to use against her.

I don't mean to downplay the very real racism that exists, just to hopefully reassure you that most people aren't like this - some people are unfortunately just total arseholes.

OhDear111 · 27/03/2026 09:03

@CapacityBrown Frankly, that’s ridiculous! These were children who coined views! Not the nanny employing parents! Who would almost certainly know better. If you want to politicize this, look at Reform. Lib Dem voters are pro EU!

HugeMonstera · 27/03/2026 09:10

DrNo007 · 27/03/2026 08:52

I think people are not saying it's nothing to do with ethnicity; I think they are saying that bullies just pick on anything in the 'victim' that stands out, in order to try to make the victim feel inadequate. That might be that you have ginger hair, are very good at a certain subject, have crooked teeth, need glasses, have an unusual accent, are especially tall or short, or have late-developing breasts (I'm familiar with several of these from first hand experience). So if the OP's daughter wasn't Eastern European but was excelling in the DofE award, they would still attack her for that, no doubt in addition picking on some additional unusual characteristic beyond her control, in order to drive home the knife. They are trying to make the victim feel bad about themselves using whatever personal feature might 'press their buttons'.

Edited

Or it’s racism.

https://www.britsoc.co.uk/about/latest-news/2017/may/eastern-europeans-brexit-and-racism/

https://www.britsoc.co.uk/about/latest-news/2017/may/eastern-europeans-brexit-and-racism

Labelledelune · 27/03/2026 09:12

Report to the school. Please don’t ever feel you are not wanted here, it’s actually the complete opposite, you and your family are exactly what we need here. You’ve worked hard and fit in and have earned yourselves nice lives. The school should be right on this. I believe this is jealousy rather than a race thing and kids will say the worst thing that comes into their minds. I hope your daughter has a lovely day.

teaandtoastwouldbenice · 27/03/2026 09:14

Jealousy and racism. There’s no sense in it so don’t try to rationalise it, just keep doing what you’re doing; bringing up a capable young woman.

noidea69 · 27/03/2026 09:25

People are arseholes, sorry your daughter had to go through that. Well done her on getting the gold.

Purplebunnie · 27/03/2026 09:28

Congratulations to your DD

Its of no consolation to your DD at this moment in time but I expect in 10 years she will be flying high in the career of her choice and they'll all be in dead end jobs. It's pure jealousy

ShamedBySiri · 27/03/2026 09:35

OhDear111 · 26/03/2026 23:20

@swpark I’d be absolutely livid about this. I would immediately contact the DofE organizer at the school and report what has been said to them. Plus talk to the head of pastoral care/head of year. I’m appalled by this. It’s not acceptable.
In my view, the school should take action and it’s bullying.

My DDs only did Bronze and a few of their friends did Gold. It’s not easy! It takes commitment and perseverance. She’s given her time and it’s wonderful. Yes, I’ll be honest: it’s often seen as very middle class - but so what? By people who don’t get off their backsides to do
it! All sorts of dc did it at DDs school (bronze) and it says a lot about that type of person. They get on and do things.

Gold is a proper achievement and please complain about her treatment. The school has done well to organise it and I’m certain they won’t like this reaction. If I knew you, I’d take her out for a hot chocolate!

I know you said your daughter didn't want you to contact the school, but I do think it needs reporting as @swpark says.
It's a huge achievement and congratulations to your daughter. It's absolutely a highly respected award to add to her CV.

The foolish children bullying her about this are the ones who will go on to be total non achievers and they could do with some intervention to change their mindset.

The school needs to do more to encourage others to do DofE, and to celebrate the achievements of those who win the awards. This is the way to nurture a culture of achievement. (Not saying the school hasn't done enough but clearly there are some in the school who have the wrong attitudes and the bar needs raising.)

OhDear111 · 27/03/2026 09:39

I think you meant to tag me @ShamedBySiri. However, yes, the school should be contacted and it can be done quietly. The DD obviously thinks more flak will come her way and that’s more evidence of a bullying culture.

I think any school offering DofE fully praises their Gold award winners!

Obimumkinobi · 27/03/2026 09:44

Your daughter is amazing and it's purely because she stood out for doing something positive and different to the majority of the kids. It could have been success in debating or a science fair etc. As PP have said her heritage is not really the issue, it could have been anything to try a hurt her.

I know she'll just want to move on from this but you must let the school know as this is racist bullying and needs nipping in the bud. The teachers can be discreet and if the comments were said in front of others or on social media they don't need to say it was your daughter that reported it.

Years ago I read on MN about a boy who didn't want to present his project in assembly for fear of a similar backlash. It was nothing to do with his race, just ignorant, cruel children.

Agapornis · 27/03/2026 09:53

Why doesn't she want to report it to the school? Is she worried it'll get worse? As a fellow pretty integrated mainland European, racism is rare to us but it still happens.

I'd encourage her to report it with a special swpark Gold Award For Standing Up To Racism.

Couldyounot · 27/03/2026 09:53

Gold DoE, particularly given the sheer amount of time and commitment involved, let alone anything else, is a hell of an achievement. Well done to your DD. Please don't let this outpouring of shitty, bordering xenophobic, behaviour detract from that.

Madcats · 27/03/2026 09:59

Congratulations to your daughter, from another proud Mum.
The other kids are jealous and insecure.

DD is now at Uni and finished hers last year. It has given her a love of the outdoors, resilience and a sense of "giving back". 18 months of coaching kids has helped her confidence no end and probably helped her getting her part time job.

If your daughter does go on to Uni, there is bound to be a group or society for outdoor activities (which is a great way in which to broaden your circle of friends away from Halls/Flat).

Dalmationday · 27/03/2026 10:06

That’s so sad. Really sad to read :(

WearyAuldWumman · 27/03/2026 10:06

Hallamule · 27/03/2026 06:49

Is she being bullied @swpark ie is this harassment ongoing, or was it an isolated incident? If the latter, Id be more inclined to comply with your daughter's wishes and not speak to the school. If it is ongoing then you probably should.

Speaking as the child of immigrants who was born in London, I'm not sure that the first generation ever feels, or is accepted as, truly British. Certainly Ive always felt slightly caught between cultures, even though objectively I am far more British than I am anything else (and am certainly considered British if I go to my parents home country). Id also say its typical to get pushback from both sides - from your family and the immigrant community for being "too British" and from the British for not being British enough!

That all sounds very familiar.

OrlandointheWilderness · 27/03/2026 10:09

Jealous little buggers.
please pass on my congratulations- that is a brilliant achieveKent and something she can rightly be really proud of!
which is more than they can say. She’s DONE something. What have they done to be proud of?! Fuck all. Bullying. I know what type of person I’d rather be!

Gemtastic · 27/03/2026 10:09

This is awful. I’m so sorry your daughter is being picked on. Inadequate people will always be jealous of someone who makes something of their lives. It’s a hard lesson in life to learn to ignore them. You just have to focus on yourself and the good people around you.

We should be proud as a nation to have productive, positive, responsible people like you and your family choosing to live here. I’d rather your family than endless Nigel Farage, Boris Johnson, Tommy Robinson types who only seek to undermine and profiteer from others.

Your daughter has shown she has the grit, determination and hard graft to go far in the world. Support her and I’m sure she’ll rise above it.

WhatAPavalova · 27/03/2026 10:09

Congratulations to your daughter that is a great achievement and sounds like she got a lot out of it.
I got my silver back in the day and always slightly regret not getting the gold so well done her.
I’m not sure what to say about the bigotry, I’m sorry she experienced this, I hope she is able to balance up that most people do not think like that and it sounds like they were trying to pick on something to upset her.

5128gap · 27/03/2026 10:11

This is a really sad sign of the times. At one time you may get laughed at, bullied even for being a good kid who tried hard (a stage teens go through where doing the approved of thing is considered uncool) but the anti immigrant sentiment is a sinister addition.
Very frightening to think that young minds are absorbing all this harmful rhetoric and regurgitating it.
I'd speak to the school. Because while they can't stop this poison leaking into our society, they may be able to put a stop to the behaviour.

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