mocked for Gold DofE and 'acting British'

[swpark]

We’ve lived in London suburbs since 2010 when we moved to the UK. It’s a leafy, quiet spot, and while it’s not the most diverse part of London, it’s a pro-European lib dem voter area. With our neighbors and our international employers being so welcoming, we’ve always felt like we fit right in and never faced any discrimination. There were occasionally instances of small comments or hearsay, but it was never anything serious.

Our kids grew up here. They went to a local nursery, the local state primary, and then the local state comprehensive secondary and sixth form. We’re originally from Eastern Europe, but we’ve got our dual citizenship and we’ve built a good life here. We’re university-educated with good jobs, and while London prices mean we aren’t exactly 'rolling in it', we’re doing fine since we own our (tiny) home and enjoy our holidays.

Today, my teen daughter came home incredibly upset. She was bullied and mocked at school because she just finished her Gold DofE. Because the Gold level of the award is new to her school, it was announced in the weekly school newsletter. She has a good circle of friends at school, but this other crowd really went for her. They called the whole thing useless and pretentious, saying she only did it because she’s a snob and wanted to 'act British'. They even dragged us into it, claiming we pressured her into it because we’re desperate to belong and that, as Eastern Europeans, we never actually will. She’s obviously excited for the Buckingham palace award ceremony. Anyone would be, but they acted like her (and our) excitement was just us trying too hard to fit in.

The worst part is that she genuinely loved the whole experience. She’s super sporty and outdoorsy, so the hiking and camping were right up her street, and she already does swimming and basketball anyway. She used her real hobbies, singing and cooking, for her skills and spent two years volunteering at a hospital and with girl guides (rainbows unit helper). The only 'extra' bit was a summer camp which she chose for her residential trip, but that was also useful for her uni personal statement.

Now she says she feels like a 'second-class Brit'. It’s heartbreaking because she grew up here; this is her home. She’s being made to feel like an outsider just for having some ambition and putting in the effort. Why be so bullish and judgmental toward someone who’s just working hard and making the most of things? This caught me completely off guard as she has never had any such incidents at school. She was really shaken by how nasty and aggressive their comments were.

I'd complain to the school as it's a racist attack. If she was Muslim and had gone to mecca for example the school would go ballistic.

Your daughter is fantastic for doing it and these arseholes should show a tenth of her commitment.

They are just stupid teenagers who are jealous because they have nothing to put on their CV. Seriously, she should laugh and ignore.

That is just rubbish. They are clearly jealous. Think you need to arm her with phrases like 'clearly I'm more British than you, I'm off to meet the king (or is it William?).' Just a series of biting, not necessarily witty comments. And report report report to the school if it is more than a one off. Honestly, well done you and your family - you sound like life's winners.

Amazing achievement, congratulations to your DD and well done you supporting her!
I am really disappointed by their behaviour - I am from EE, 23 years in the UK, DD is. 26, grew up in Shropshire, did A level in a grammar school and did bronze and silver DoE. I agree that as first generation immigrant I had to pedal extra hard to fit in and earn to give her a good starting point. It was never about being British, but about making the most of opportunities we would not have had at our home country.

She has never in these years to my knowledge encountered this attitude, she is wear country symbol on her necklace and random people say Hi! To her in our language when they recognise it. She is in science field and never intends to change her distinctive surname. Her number plate reads her surname, gift from ex-boyfriend.

I speak with an accent, and have encountered jibes and comments a few times, mainly from random strangers, e.g. pissed in a Chinese (the irony)…

I am really sorry this has happened to your daughter; you will support her, but as a family take it as a compliment in a way - you have done well, people are jealous.

I’m sorry OP. No wonder she’s distressed. What a wonderful daughter you have raised though. One who has completed her gold DofE and is headed for university with foundations for a good career.

I’m sure it hurts a lot right now, but it’s them, not her. If they keep behaving like this they will end up bitter and miserable, whilst your daughter enjoys the fruits of her hard work.

She'll be leaving school in a couple of months OP. Don't turn it into a bigger thing than it is.

PS, my former British born boss went out of his way to be British. Clothes, car, workbag from British brands, eating seasonal. Properly built a personal brand. Married a foreigner and retired to her country. Go figure…

They're just jealous, speaking as someone who only managed bronze! Don't let this take the shine off her amazing achievement.

I’m not excusing the comments made, they sound strange. I don’t think many British people care about Duke of Edinburgh for it to be a thing people do to “fit in”.

but all I will say is that if your daughter grew up here and England is all she knows, then she needs help to care less about what others say about her heritage. Do some comments from losers erase the past 15 years of her life (or however old she is)? If her lived experience tells her differently, then she needs to learn to just trust her experience and her view of things and not let her lens shift to how others see things.

I was born in England and if someone tried to say I’m an outsider I’d be extremely confused and find it funny…because of my lived experience? Just the same way I’d find it mildly amusing if someone insisted I have blue skin or purple eyes. It’s not true soooo it’s not going to garner much energy from me.

Totally this!

She sounds like an amazing young woman and you must be so proud of her and she must be of herself.

I'm so sorry. That should have just been a really wonderful positive experience

I live in Northern Ireland and my son's school does the DoE. All students can participate and they do from both sides of the community here, including Nationalists. I also know lots of young adults who participate in Prince's Trust. Again, many from a very Nationalist background.

It's celebrated as the student's achievement, not a sign of Britishness. How sad she was bullied over a fantastic achievement.

Listen. This is pure jealousy. She isn’t a second class anything. Unfortunately, as she goes through life, when she excels at things there will always be someone saying “who does she think she is” and trying to drag her down. She needs to recognise them for what they are - sad little people who will never do anything with their lives - always comparing themselves to others and always coming up short. Instead of worrying about what they think, she needs to invest that energy, keep pushing on and showing them exactly who she is - someone who excels while they sit there bitching and whining.

Absolutely it’s jealousy. It won’t have anything to do with your background really, they just need something to hang on to and this was all they could find. Your DD being successful makes them feel inadequate so they are trying to bring her down. There were kids like that it my school, interestingly they are the ones who never moved on or did much with their lives as adults. She should just ignore them and focus on her goals, in a few years they will seem completely insignificant - which they are.

This is unfortunately part of the attitude some children have towards others who are doing well in activities they perceive as "nerdy". High academic achievers probably get the same treatment.

I strongly suspect the "acting British" is just a casting about for anything that they can find that they think will upset her rather than them actually thinking it. If she'd been blonde or wore glasses they would have picked on that.

If she's finished Gold DofE she must be at least 16/17 and if she hasn't had any incidents like this so far, it doesn't sound like there is a genuine issue with her not fitting in.

I have a friend who's wealthy and posh, her DDs have all been bullied for being "poor" as they don't have holiday villa, don't spend £300 on trainers or get a blow dry weekly.
Kids will pick on anything OP.

If your DD hadn't done well, they'd still find something else to be jealous of.

Respectfully, these kind of xenophobic slurs don’t actually require anyone not to be ‘fitting in’.

Oh so sorry for your dd @swpark . You know what? They are jealous of her and trying to find a way to "get to her" and put her down. My DS had the same thing with a friend after he did better than him on a national test. All of a sudden this "friend" started commenting on ds being really short and abusive messages followed on how ds was a pain in the ass and everybody thought so. I nipped it in the bud answering him with my ds Phone and told him that their "friendship" was over and that if he uttered another mean word about DS there would be a meeting in his school and I would personally call his parents. It worked because the boy in question was globally well-behaved and was afraid of consequences from school/parents.

In your case I would tell DD that she needs to not let it bother her- that will nip it in the bud. Like "oh, my parents aren't bothered about this- I think British parents are more inclined to push for this. I'm doing it because I want to but it's a shame that you feel you need to bring my parents origin in to this. It feels ignorant and racist."

My DS achieved gold too. Well done to you DD. It is an awful lots of effort.

Buckingham Palace was great. We got to wonder around the gardens for the afternoon in the sun. Wear comfy shoes!

If your DD doesn't want to raise it with school just now maybe leave it over the weekend and see how she feels by Monday.

no, but it's OP's DD achieving the DofE that has made the bullies notice her.
Otherwise she would have had a stream of such comments through her school career. (And I suspect if she was, for example, Black or Jewish, she wouldn't have got to her age without a single racist incident).

Unfortunately it’s the crabs in the bucket scenario, it is happening a lot in the UK. Anytime someone (your daughter) tries to climb out of the bucket to escape, the rest of the crabs (her so called friends) try to drag her back down. Lots of jealousy and lack of self esteem involved. She needs to rise above them and continue to do what she enjoys. Hard to do as a teenager but stand beside her and give her strength in herself and she will be fine.

@Wafflesandcrepes "This is racism." The term that describes the behaviour outlined in the OP is xenophobia, not racism.

Congratulations to your daughter, a hugely impressive achievement.

I would encourage her to be curious about what kind of person would respond in the way the bullies have and why. Answers could include lacking confidence, insecure, unkind, jealous, bored, going along with the crowd, mean, insular, etc.

Your daughter can justifiably look down her nose at such characteristics. She's made of better stuff, simple as that.

Huge congrats to your brilliant daughter! Please mention this to the school. Your daughter needn't know and the school will respect her wish not to take the incident further. But that gives the bullies opportunity to torment others as they see fit - others who might not have solid parental support at home.

It’s probably jealousy. I was in cubs, beavers and scouts and no one said a word until high school. There were several kids that went, but my scout group was a busier one and we did a lot more stuff. DofE, chief scouts award, camping, competitions, my friends and others use to tease me about it, but I got to do so much cool stuff. I never cared what they said and pretty soon they got over it and moved on. Your daughter has had n amazing experience and no one can take that away from her. She’s probably learnt more than they ever will.

Sorry to hear this. I am British and also got bullied in this way at school, minus the xenophobia, not for gold D of E but for basically wanting to learn and do well. It is jealousy and often comes from the parents.