mocked for Gold DofE and 'acting British'

[swpark]

We’ve lived in London suburbs since 2010 when we moved to the UK. It’s a leafy, quiet spot, and while it’s not the most diverse part of London, it’s a pro-European lib dem voter area. With our neighbors and our international employers being so welcoming, we’ve always felt like we fit right in and never faced any discrimination. There were occasionally instances of small comments or hearsay, but it was never anything serious.

Our kids grew up here. They went to a local nursery, the local state primary, and then the local state comprehensive secondary and sixth form. We’re originally from Eastern Europe, but we’ve got our dual citizenship and we’ve built a good life here. We’re university-educated with good jobs, and while London prices mean we aren’t exactly 'rolling in it', we’re doing fine since we own our (tiny) home and enjoy our holidays.

Today, my teen daughter came home incredibly upset. She was bullied and mocked at school because she just finished her Gold DofE. Because the Gold level of the award is new to her school, it was announced in the weekly school newsletter. She has a good circle of friends at school, but this other crowd really went for her. They called the whole thing useless and pretentious, saying she only did it because she’s a snob and wanted to 'act British'. They even dragged us into it, claiming we pressured her into it because we’re desperate to belong and that, as Eastern Europeans, we never actually will. She’s obviously excited for the Buckingham palace award ceremony. Anyone would be, but they acted like her (and our) excitement was just us trying too hard to fit in.

The worst part is that she genuinely loved the whole experience. She’s super sporty and outdoorsy, so the hiking and camping were right up her street, and she already does swimming and basketball anyway. She used her real hobbies, singing and cooking, for her skills and spent two years volunteering at a hospital and with girl guides (rainbows unit helper). The only 'extra' bit was a summer camp which she chose for her residential trip, but that was also useful for her uni personal statement.

Now she says she feels like a 'second-class Brit'. It’s heartbreaking because she grew up here; this is her home. She’s being made to feel like an outsider just for having some ambition and putting in the effort. Why be so bullish and judgmental toward someone who’s just working hard and making the most of things? This caught me completely off guard as she has never had any such incidents at school. She was really shaken by how nasty and aggressive their comments were.

Congratulations to your DD! What a great achievement.

Agree with others here that this is bullying and they would have picked on anything different to use as a stick. If it wasn't the foreign background it would have been something else. I'm not saying that doesn't make it racist, it is. But it's not an indication of the way many people, even some of those in the group who bullied her, will actually think of her. I hope she can put it behind her without it diminishing her spark.

I really feel for her. Teens can be so brutal, and there's none so brutal as those trying to be cool and mocking someone for a genuine interest. Not to mention the racist tones.

@swpark ah my DS is off on his Gold practice expedition this weekend. It’s not for everyone my DD quit after bronze.

Your DD is a strong minded individual (as proven from achieving her gold award) so she will get through this upset too. She should avoid these bullies but if they persist then she must inform the school. Hopefully it was a one-off jealousy rage and she can put it behind her and focus on her exams and moving on to Uni soon.

I’m so sorry to hear this Op.

First of all, well done to your daughter. She did brilliantly, that’s such an achievement.

These kids sound jealous and just downright nasty. Yes, people can be nasty at all ages but you often dare to hope young people won’t be racist (or nationalist or whatever you want to call it).

I think you should speak to the school as they will have broken rules by behaving in this bullying way.

They are just jealous, and over time this will become a learning experience which helps build her resilience. You can never please everybody.

I can identify with her predicament as my parents were also Eastern Europeans who worked bloody hard to give me an education and all the opportunities here… I’ve never felt fully British (though I was born here).

BUT my own children are completely accepted as being British by their peers.

Assimilation into a culture is a long game and can take several generations… in the meantime, let her celebrate her dual heritage and ignore the jealous bullies.

Well aren't they ridiculous? It's jealousy pure and simple. Your daughter has done extremely well and should be very proud of herself. She's not a "second class Brit", she's a first class Brit!

Congratulations to your DD. My DS1 finished it at 19, and DS2 now 18 is almost there. To my knowledge there were no snide comments from the majority of kids in the school who didn’t continue on to gold. School needs to be aware of this.

@SalmonOnFinnCrisp Do they still go there? Buck P? Anyway. The school will also be proud!

@ACynicalDad Without putting a dampener on her achievement, universities often don’t read personal statements at all. They would not know about this. Plus others who might read it , even Oxbridge, discount it as it’s not subject related. However what is learnt from it could be very useful and certainly put it in the PS if relevant. Eg caring for elderly if applying for medicine. But no university will use this award as a deciding factor because it doesn’t meet published admissions criteria and some dc have no access to it or the money to buy what you need.

Well I never heard this before! How ridiculous. Your DD should be proud of her achievements. Shame on the other students.

It's popular with youngsters round here, and they're very proud to do it.

Well done to your daughter. Academic kids often get bullied in schools. The only reason I never was harassed for being a swot was because I once broke the nose of a boy who assaulted me. No one else wanted a bloody nose.

How horrible. I have a similar background to your DD, I was born in EE but lived in London most of my life. Every now and then someone says something horrible (or sometimes not even horrible, but just singles me out as 'foreign') and I really hate it. It really stuck with me.

I still remember a uni professor noting that maybe my essay was poor because English was not my first language. LOL. No, I was lazy and wrote it after a night out and submitted it at midnight. I don't know why, but that offended me more than being called lazy.

There is nothing you can do about it, really. I would just explain that bullies will always try to exploit anything they might perceive as different or a weakness. And in years to come, she'll understand those kids probably have a very unhappy home life.

The feeling of otherness will still be there but she has to learn to manage it.

Well done to your DD. DofE shows perseverance and hard work. Sadly there are always a few jealous people about who don't want to work hard to achieve something special themselves so they snipe at others who do. I hope your DD is proud of her achievement and sees the snipers as jealous losers. Get her a fabulous outfit for going to BP.

They are Little Ingerlanders who will not be as successful in life as your daughter will be. How embarrassing for them.

If it's any help tell her you don't even have to be British to do this award. We have it here in New Zealand as we are part of the commonwealth.

My dd had to pull out of DofE gold due to her eating disorder. It’s not for the faint hearted and completing the award has equipped your dd with many problem solving skills and shows real resilience and dedication. Your dd is really set up to cope with a lot of situations that those jealous kids won’t be.

Congratulations to your dd. I hope she has a wonderful time at Buckingham Palace.

As for reporting them, I would want to. However, I am aware of what your dd has said, so perhaps let the dust settle this week. I imagine it’s the last day of term today. However, if it continues through social media in the holidays or into next term once back, then I would consider it my parental duty to step in.

If I can give your dd a message, it would be this. She has the advantage of speaking 2 different languages so she’s light years ahead of the average kid. And does she also have a European passport as well? Perhaps she feels othered. However, she’s got so many things going for her so do give her a hug and remind her she will soon be out in the big wide world away from the small mindedness of these kids.

It’s not ‘just’ bullying or jealousy. That is underplaying it. It’s a racially aggravated offence (hate crime).

Of course your daughter doesn’t want you to go to the school. But what about the next person it happens to, and the next, and the next?

It should probably be reported to the police.

Was it other kids with E European heritage? Mine grew up in a very diverse part of London and there was a bit of ‘tribalism’ that happens with kids who want other people from their ethnic group to behave a certain way.
Nasty small minded behaviour. I am sorry they tried to bring her down. Hope she has a good friendship group to support and celebrate her. Teenagers can be so awful when their insecurities come out in attacks on other people.

This was in the OP: They even dragged us into it, claiming we pressured her into it because we’re desperate to belong and that, as Eastern Europeans, we never actually will.

That is SO mean! Who are these people? Complain to the school. Tell DD to ask those very mean students when they plan to leave UK.

What a strange mindset of those kids. DofE is a perfectly normal thing to do at dds (state) school more do it that don’t do it. No way would it be something worth teasing about. The culture at your child’s school sounds really off.

You sound like a lovely family, I’m so sorry your DD was treated like this.

This is horrible op. Not sure if this helps but anyone who tried hard in my school would get mocked by a certain crowd. It had nothing to do with their background as the school was 99.9% white British. It was definitely jealousy from kids who put in little to no effort at school and presumably weren't encouraged to try hard at home.

That small group of nasty, jealous losers does not speak for the whole of the UK. Your daughter needs to get a grip. Whenever she achieves anything in life, there will always be nasty jealous losers slavering to tear her down. This happens to all successful people. Hopefully she will go on to be very successful in life, so she had better get used to this phenomenon, which is universal to all human societies.