What’s a fair split as a SAHM?

[Selin91]

I have 2 DD- 4yo and 18month old. Just genuinely curious how families with a SAHM share the load and if my split is fair. Will start by saying DH is a great father and husband so if I ask him to do more I know he would but I don’t want to be unfair.

At the moment my 4yo is at nursery 4 days a week and my 18mo home with me. DH WFH 2 days a week finishing at 5:30pm but on the days he’s in the office we don’t see him until 6.15pm. After helping with bath and bedtime he often stays up until 1-2am working as his job is very demanding.

I do all nursery drop offs and pickups and on his wfh days he sometimes helps get the kids ready in the morning. On days he’s in the office he will unload the dishwasher, wash bottles and feed the dog before he goes. I do 100% of all cooking and cleaning except he will always tidy up after dinner when he gets home and tidies the kitchen/play area before bed. On weekends he sometimes also makes breakfast and lunch but I always do dinner. I do all food shops and admin/mental load. He walks the dog.

We split bedtimes but my 18 month old is a very tricky sleeper and I am the default parent for night wakes for both. If things are particularly bad I will ask him to help but DD often won’t go to him. On weekends I give him a lie in at least once a week but recently I asked him to help more in the mornings and he has been, although I’m not sure if I’m being unfair. I sleep more than him most days although my sleep is broken and his isn’t.
I should also add I have some health problems which mean I sometimes have to ask him to do a bit more in the evenings.

Your OH sounds like he does more than his fair share. What are you concerned about?

Agreed. I'm not sure what else you expect from him.

I agree with the others. What more do you think he should be doing?

Is he possibly doing too much then? The only area I’d like more help with is at night but I don’t think that’s fair of me to ask

Wow! Your DH does a huge amount and works so much too!! Lucky you!

Sounds like you have a brilliant set up.

Sounds perfect.

I'm a sahm and when our twins were young my son did not sleep through the night until he was 4. I took it that I could be a bit tired looking after the kids while my hubby needed his full mental capabilities to be making important decisions at work / driving longer distances etc, so I did all the night wakings and got up with the twins in the morning or earlier.

I think your hubby should not be up until 1/2am working.
Your husband is doing alot. He's doing much more than other hubbies I know where the mum is sahm. I would be worried he is going to burn out / start making mistakes from exhaustion.

Generally it sounds to me like he does a significant amount with DC and around the house already. I was also a SAHM with a DH with a stressful job who worked long hours, and I did absolutely everything DC/home related (school runs, dog walks, bath/bed, all cooking/cleaning, mental load). However I didn’t have a health problem, so didn’t really need (as opposed to want!) his help.

Ok thank you for your replies, definitely sounds like he’s doing too much then! I’ll go back to letting him have lie ins all weekend. I have told him many times to do his work in the evenings before bedtimes but he wants to spend time with the kids

Did you really think he wasn’t pulling his weight? What did you think he should be doing?

I think it should be fairly equal at weekends.

It sounds like he’s already busy at night, and if you’re already getting more sleep than him as it is I don’t think it’s fair.

Regardless of who does was at specific times do you both get equal free time?

I think you should both get a lie in, take it in turns on the weekend.

Also I think you need a break from cooking dinner every night, either DH cooks or get a takeaway or quick ready meals.

Honestly he’s doing a lot but if it works for both of you great

I'd be thinking about what you want to do when you go back to work and slowly work towards that. Otherwise you'll end up doing the same and working.

I'm a sahm and DH works ft, he probably does more than that, but it's partly out of choice as he sees play time and bathtime as fun rather than a chore. DH works in the office 5 days and is home by 5.30pm. We eat around then so I cook dinner every day. He doesn't do any work once he's home. We each have a fair bit of life admin and we deal with our own.
He gets the dcs up and ready for school and we drop them off together before he goes to work. I pick up dcs and take them to clubs. DH cleans up after dinner and preps snacks for dcs and packs their school bags. We take one child each for bed time, ours are older and both sleep through. We don't have
a pet. He deals with the bins. I do the shopping online, and usually get it delivered when he's at work, if he's home then he'll help unpack. He supervises most homework and music practice. I do most craft/presentation school prep. We both play with the dcs at evenings and weekends, and go out on trips at weekends, and I look after them on my own in school holidays but they often do drop-off activities. I book days out, he plans holidays. We don't have weekend lie-ins as we're both up for dcs activities. I get more leisure time than him right now as youngest is in preschool pt, but they were both with me 24/7 before they went to preschool. I'm pretty happy with our split, it works well because we chose not to live far from DH's work so he doesn't spend hours commuting and we knew his job wouldn't involve lots of evening or weekend work when we decided to have a family.

Each person should have a lie in at the weekend

Can you do the clean up from dinner and clean/tidy before bed while he does bath time etc? That way he gets time with the children, but hopefully gets to bed a bit earlier? Its a lot for him to be staying up until 1 or 2 to work. I don't think it would be fair to ask him to get up in the night if he's awake until 2am working and then going to work again the next day.

I'm a sahm and your dh is doing alot. I like that he walks the dog. I wish mine would be home every evening to walk the dog. I don't cook on the weekends at all and if dh doesn't want to cook we'll eat out - if that's a suggestion for you?

He does heaps .

Thank you everyone this is so helpful. I guess I am stuck between feeling he’s already doing too much but struggling a bit myself. But I think I need to just get on with it until my dd starts sleeping a bit better

it’s not a competition. It’s just life with two young kids.

@Selin91 can't you both have one lay in each at the weekend?

Sound like he only has one in the original post?

I think it's less to do with what you each do, and more do to with how much free time you each get. While he sounds very busy during the week, presumably you are also pretty much flat out with things during the week, doing all childcare, cooking, shopping, cleaning, washing, admin etc, plus having broken sleep at night - but how does it work at the weekends? Are you still flat out while he does very little? Or do you share all chores and have equal downtime at the weekend?

To me, I think you should each have a lie-in at the weekend. And do you never get any unbroken nights? Perhaps he could get up in the nights on a Friday night or Saturday night, at least once in a while, if not every weekend.