Boyfriend using bulk of his holiday allowance for ‘secret’ holiday with his mate

[Alicew5]

I’ve been with my boyfriend since early 2025, we had discussed plans for this year in terms of going abroad on holiday etc as we didn’t go away last year. He has 25 days holiday and 6/7 days are being used up for weddings which is fine so in theory he has ample left.

He has revealed to me, after I’ve been on about getting something booked, that ‘before we were serious’ he committed to his friend that he’d go to Asia (Thailand specifically) with him in November this year. This has never been mentioned to me before. The issue? It will use up nearly 3 weeks of his holiday allowance, meaning he won’t have enough to go abroad for at least a week with me.

He said he promised his mate and won’t let him down. His mate is going anyway - he goes there every year, usually solo! My BF said there isn’t a compromise with him going for a lesser duration, as it wouldn’t be cost effective that way and he’d not seen everything there is to see.

AIBU to feel this is selfish? We have been in a relationship for over a year so I feel like he isn’t making me a priority.

If i wasn't married i would expect the person i am dating to honour his commitment same as I would honour mine just because I am with someone doesn't mean we dont have our own things in life

He can absolutely go for less time, he just doesn't want to. If he chooses not to prioritise you at all I'd be binning him off, honestly.

I'm normally pretty easygoing but I'm immediately suspicious of men who travel solo to Thailand so I'd not be happy about this at all!
And definitely not happy about all the annual leave either....

He's committed to going, and wants to have enough time to travel around a bit. Nothing wrong with either of those things.

I don't think I'd feel inclined to cancel all my plans for someone I'd been seeing for a year.

In his shoes he likely didn’t mention it as he sees the relationship as fairly new and wasn’t sure it’d last as long as thing holiday.

He’s allowed to have made previous plans with a mate, Thailand is pretty far and I’ve always stayed three weeks when I’ve been, especially if they’re travelling around.

You sound quite judgy of his mate going on his own, what are you implying?

I’m not sure I’ve judged or implied anything? Other than he’d be going regardless as he usually does?

You’ve only been together a year and a bit, so I do think it’s reasonable. But, a single man going to Thailand every year for weeks at a time is suspicious as hell.

Unfortunately, his friend's annual solo trips to Thailand would raise some concerns for me, as well. I'd definitely wonder what they'll be getting up to.

I'd also wonder, as he's known all along about this trip, why is he only mentioning it to you now? Could he not have thought ahead and missed any of these weddings and have made time for some type of holiday with you, even if something short and close by? He could have made more of an effort to make you feel like a priority in his life.

I don't think it's that unreasonable. He agreed to go before you were serious.

I agree it's annoying that it's only just come to light, but I don't think it was a "secret", just never came up in conversation.

I would let this go, and plan a nice holiday next year.

Thailand is absolutely beautiful. I’d say 3 weeks is a good amount of time to spend out there, especially if you’re planning on island hopping.

Why don’t you plan an equally nice trip with your friend(s) and maybe try to book a couple of long weekends away with your partner?

It doesn’t sound like he wants a holiday with you.
an easy compromise would be do ten days with friend and ten with you (if you wanted to!) but he hasn’t suggested that. Thailand in a bit ick too for men to go to solo.

I doubt coupled up friends would be willing to spend so much time and money on a trip away from their partners, and her single friends would be a bit miffed and only being called on as second choice when her boyfriend is booked up

As others have said, it’s a choice, which is a signal, at this stage in a relationship.

how old are you?

after a good year with someone you would expect to be the first choice, or at least any choice, if it’s going somewhere.

I take it you don’t live together?

ultimately he doesn’t have the same priorities as you. so I would read from that.

As soon as you started talking about a holiday, he should have said he couldn't manage much this year because of the Thailand trip. The fact he didn't mention it earlier is the problem, not the fact he's honouring the commitment to his mate, IMO. It's cowardly and dishonest and shows he's willing to be evasive and hope you stop asking for something that inconveniences him, rather than be upfront and honest. This is a pattern that will caise numerous problems down the line, I predict.. Hes not treating you with enough respect after 1 year plus I don't think.

Thailand?

I'm always really suspicious when single men go there alone on hols or have a lads holiday.

Any normal man would suggest that you come along or speak to his mate to see if that would be OK. The fact he tried to be shifty about it and hasn't been open suggests this isn't a sightseeing trip tbh.

Really I spent 6 weeks in Thailand over Xmas solo

I’m wondering if he’s recently arranged to go with his friend, rather than the honouring a promise made ages ago bs he’s spouting.

Out of interest, why is his friend going there yearly suspect? I don’t get it

Youve only been dating a year so I don’t see an issue.

Yabu
We have been in a relationship for over a year so I feel like he isn’t making me a priority.

And how many years has he had a relationship called friendship with his best mate? You are relatively new in his life.

He should keep his promise. I agree too that the cost to go to Asia means it’s better to go for several weeks.

You sound fun.

Lots of men do. Prostitution is a big thing there.

It is also a beautiful place, so that could be the reason. His friend could have friends there he visits yearly.

You could ask your boyfriend what his friend does when he’s there?

I'm on the fence. On one hand you've only been together a year and he'd committed to going away with his friend. OTOH three weeks is a LONG holiday! I can't see why he can't go for two and go away with you as well.

Sex tourism is huge in Thailand.

If there’s no other reason like friends or family to visit then this is more likely.

Sex tourism.