Boyfriend using bulk of his holiday allowance for ‘secret’ holiday with his mate

[Alicew5]

I’ve been with my boyfriend since early 2025, we had discussed plans for this year in terms of going abroad on holiday etc as we didn’t go away last year. He has 25 days holiday and 6/7 days are being used up for weddings which is fine so in theory he has ample left.

He has revealed to me, after I’ve been on about getting something booked, that ‘before we were serious’ he committed to his friend that he’d go to Asia (Thailand specifically) with him in November this year. This has never been mentioned to me before. The issue? It will use up nearly 3 weeks of his holiday allowance, meaning he won’t have enough to go abroad for at least a week with me.

He said he promised his mate and won’t let him down. His mate is going anyway - he goes there every year, usually solo! My BF said there isn’t a compromise with him going for a lesser duration, as it wouldn’t be cost effective that way and he’d not seen everything there is to see.

AIBU to feel this is selfish? We have been in a relationship for over a year so I feel like he isn’t making me a priority.

I’d be wary, you simply don’t know. I am aware of a young man, who came back with more than he bargained for then didn’t tell subsequently girlfriends.

I agree and with previous PP’s saying that this trip probably wasn’t planned before OP started her relationship.

Also - I think it’s really interesting that a lot of young men do the whole Thai girl (prostitute) thing as part of the experience like some kind of rite of passage and to them it’s not so bad as it’s somewhere abroad and exotic and far from home - there could even be a racist element to it that the women don’t look like the ones at home so it’s not equivalent to paying for sex with a European (trafficked) woman, so it’s less seedy and morally wrong for them. In fact, I’m sure men who tell their mates what they got up to over there have certain bragging rights, which is sickening in itself.

Disturbingly, I think if there was the same casual attitude to prostitution here as there is abroad, many many men of all ages would be doing it, like back in the Victorian days when it was an open secret. It’s only public disapproval and societal shame which stops them. Most wouldn’t give one shit about the circumstances of these girls and women, and the ones over in another country seem less ‘bad’ as it’s portrayed as part of their culture, like they’re happy to do it, so the men can delude themselves that it’s not as disgusting as it really is. Plus it’s far enough from home for them to compartmentalise it and live with it guilt free knowing they’re unlikely to be judged for it (despite many ppl on here acknowledging that they DO judge single/young men for visiting the country, as it’s a fair assumption what they’ll get up to while they’re over there!)

2 years in a relationship where you won’t have been on holiday together? I’d be moving on from this one. Holidays together are quality time to further build a bond/connection, and see how you cope together when away. Unless he’s the type who never wants to go on holiday with a gf, only mates - he should be WANTING to book a long haul holiday with you. I don’t see the point of committing to anyone who can’t prioritise a relationship which means keeping some paid leave aside for a damn holiday with a partner.

Also I would bet my mortgage the regular solo trips to Thailand involve sex tourism, and your bf knows that. Maybe why he’s never with him on these trips before. As male acquaintances have told me, with 20 baht you get a pad Thai and a hand job (happy ending massage or full service massage). And I imagine the 3 weeks your bf spends there will take in some of those sights alongside the tourism. Asia is a big place to visit for very cheap so the fixation on just Thailand means this bloke isn’t a traveller at heart.

What you do with that is upto you, but if you want a relationship with couple holidays he isn’t the one for you.

rThe Cambodians don’t tolerate or trust solo foreign men at all. That’s were the American forces went for their sex tourism during the Vietnam war. It was beyond grim. They wouldn’t let single men book hotels or talk to children when I went admittedly some decades ago.

Is it actually booked? Or is he claiming that he agreed 3 years ago to go on holiday this year and he can't possibly change it despite no solid plans. If so. He's just recently decided he'd rather go on holiday with his mate.

Unless his friend is a Thai boxer and going there to train then he's going to shag prostitutes. Unless they're really into nature or animals.

Leaving aside the sex tourism thing.
YANBU
Like other pp, I agree that a relationship of over a year is a serious one. My husband and I started dating in 2020 in the middle of COVID, yet our first property holiday together was 10 months into the relationship. We certainly kept each other informed of holiday or weekend plans we had with our respective friends well before that.
Also I find it concerning that he committed to this holiday "before things got serious with you". When was that? 3 months ago? 6 months ago? Either this plan was made recently, and it means that after a year he still does not see your relationship as serious enough to factor you in his holiday plans (or to want to go on holiday with you). Or this plan was made long time ago and he's been hiding it (a 3-weeks trip that uses the remains of his holiday for the year is a huge thing to not be communicated with a partner).
His actions don't scream of a man who is committed and makes you his priority.

It’s very odd that a three week trip to Thailand didn’t crop up in conversation during a year long relationship. If I was planning a long hol somewhere i hadn’t been before I’d be chatting about it from when it was first planned.

OP , watch this to get an idea of why a guy returning solo to Thailand every year is sus.
https://www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/episodes/m002jwhg/thailand-the-dark-side-of-paradise

If he likes solo adventurous / exotic holidays why wouldn’t he explore a different country every year?

Have you met this mate?

Yes. It depends what type of interests you have. I know of a couple who used to go there a lot as they were into snorkeling in a big way.

I have a friend whose partner went every year to thailand on a solo trip.She was never allowed to come with him.Be very wary of why he's hoing there with his friend.

You can ask but I don't think you'll het the truth.

Within the first year of me and my partner being together we had a very similar situation, him and his best friend had planned although not booked yet a 3 week trip. It was already planned before me, I wanted him to honour his plans and prioritise him friendships too.

So he went on the trip and we missed each other loads. I went away with my girls and then me and him did a long weekend city break then a 5 night trip including weekend days. It was a good balance of prioritising us but also friendships and alone time.

We have now been together for years and have a family and won’t get the chance to go away with friends alone for that long again so treasure those memories. We’ve just come back from a month long trip to Asia with our baby and have had many amazing trips together too. Sometimes being understanding and compromising is the best thing. Plus that friend was best man at our wedding. There is value in all kinds of trips.

You’ve only been together a year! Chill out.

Nothing wrong with him going away with a mate but they’re going there for one reason. The fact his friend goes repeatedly and alone is for sex tourism and is absolutely gross.

Has he even booked a trip? Feels to me more like he just doesn't want to commit to time with OP a long way ahead at all and a hypothetical Thailand trip is just an excuse.

That's fair enough but the OP can draw her own conclusions from it. Personally, I'd take the hint and start looking for a relationship that provides the future I wanted. Wasting precious years hoping dead end relationships are going somewhere is a dangerous game.

Three weeks isnt enough time in Thailand, so anything shorter would be pointless! Just go somewhere with your friends this year.

I have been to Thailand alone loads of times and so have tons of peoplei know - it is very much not only for sex tourism. It is a beautiful affordable country with amazing scenery,delicious food, friendly people and easy to navigate even alone, due to so much English being spoken. Not saying people dont go there for sex tourism, but it is insulting to suggest that is the only reason people visit Thailand alone!

I saw someone who was really full on, full of “let’s go here and there” promises except they never came into fruition. Full of BS, too busy with his mates.

Don’t waste your time or emotional energy.

Bin him.

The best thing you can do is book yourself a holiday, with your friends or solo! And have an amazing time 😊

I would step back slightly and give him space. And maybe start even planning your own holiday. Don’t mention the holiday again.
Bring back your power. X

Sex tourism.

If I were you I’d book an amazing trip away with a close friend somewhere similar!

I have not made assumptions based on a TV programme. It is common knowledge that most men who travel solo to Thailand every year are sex tourists. I am not the only one on this thread who knows this.

I love Thailand and we go regularly. but this trip sounds suspicious. Friend goes every year, but is still happy to hang with your boyfriend and do a full 3 week sightseeing tour, to see all there is to see? And yes he could see plenty in 10 days or 2 weeks and still leave enough time for your holiday, if he wanted to.

How is the relationship generally?

He’s not that into you and he’s done this to make you angry enough to leave him so he doesn’t have to do it. You’ve been together over a year, you’d agreed to go away, he’s intentionally made a choice to use all of his remaining annual leave on a lads holiday in a place notorious for sex tourism instead. His choice is clear and yours should be to jump ship.

Yeah it’s annoying he didn’t mention it before.
Could you fly out to Thailand and join him for a bit at the end together?

Otherwise does he have the option to buy more annual leave at work, some offer up to 5 days. Or you could plan your own holiday to tag onto a bank holiday week, or not ideal he could just call in sick for extra days so you need.

Once you get older with more responsibilities (thinking young children) a 3 week holiday anywhere with friends is no longer possible - the stage of life I’m at. Let him go without too much agro and have fun this year. You have plenty of years ahead of you for holidays together.

I get it’s annoying though.