Boyfriend using bulk of his holiday allowance for ‘secret’ holiday with his mate

[Alicew5]

I’ve been with my boyfriend since early 2025, we had discussed plans for this year in terms of going abroad on holiday etc as we didn’t go away last year. He has 25 days holiday and 6/7 days are being used up for weddings which is fine so in theory he has ample left.

He has revealed to me, after I’ve been on about getting something booked, that ‘before we were serious’ he committed to his friend that he’d go to Asia (Thailand specifically) with him in November this year. This has never been mentioned to me before. The issue? It will use up nearly 3 weeks of his holiday allowance, meaning he won’t have enough to go abroad for at least a week with me.

He said he promised his mate and won’t let him down. His mate is going anyway - he goes there every year, usually solo! My BF said there isn’t a compromise with him going for a lesser duration, as it wouldn’t be cost effective that way and he’d not seen everything there is to see.

AIBU to feel this is selfish? We have been in a relationship for over a year so I feel like he isn’t making me a priority.

The holiday isn't for 8 months so he hasn't just sprung it on her.

He may have held off until mentioning until now, as when you've only been together a few months it can sound presumptious and feel strange to be discussing future holidays that are further ahead than you've been together!

This is what it boils down to. He has a prior commitment. Yes, odd that he didn't mention it earlier, but he's only been dating the OP for a year and maybe he didn't think the relationship was serious enough to give her full rundown of his future holiday itinerary. It's hardly worth all this dramatic wailing about not being the priority (as an aside, that's such an off-putting thing to demand - if a man insisted that I make him the priority I think I'd have instantly dumped him).

The sex tourism stuff is MN at its most grubby, sordid and sex-obsessed. Yes, sex work is commonplace in Thailand, but it's an absolute reach to then assume that any man going to Thailand is there for sex tourism. It's gross to boil a country down to its most sordid element, and it's thick to extrapolate "many men do X" into "every single man does X". As if men and women don't travel to Thailand for the beaches, the culture or the cuisine. (I think almost everyone I know who's in the food industry has specifically gone to Thailand for the food - that's the number one thing I associate with it.) Nope, has to be sex.

What do you mean " for real". I'm not cool I just escape the UK winter linke many others. I'm well aware on men with the Thai " girlfriends". I'm also aware of plenty of men doing other stuff without having them..

And I don't wear sunglasses lol. U make me sound like some kind of beach bum and it's very rare I go anywhere near the beaches/ islands. So not sun sea and sex thanks.

A couple of friends of mine go there and go through my Thai training ( doesn't look like fun but hey) it's their thing

I'm just surprised how so many apparently educated women on mn have such narrow minded ideas

Every year

Honestly, for the first couple of years when me and my DH got together, we had separate holidays. Some were long haul and took a chunk of time - I don't think this is a big deal.

Your BF's friend is a little concerning going back to Thailand again and again. It's a very well known destination for sex tourism. If this mate gives you the 'ick' in any way, this could be another warning sign. That's the aspect I would be worried about.

Have you seen any evidence that the trip was booked 'before you were serious', and not, say, last week?

@The13thFairy - The trip hasn’t been booked yet, it’s just a ‘gentleman’s agreement’ as he termed it. If it was booked and paid for, that’s different.

Thanks to those who clarified about the solo travel/sex stuff.

I don’t know if that’s why his friend visits yearly. I have met that friend only once, in a pub, and my boyfriend knows I wasn’t a big fan of him. That’s because he made crude comments about the barmaid. I suspect that may also be why he hadn’t told me of this trip before.

That’s because he made crude comments about the barmaid.

I think that tells you all you need to know about his solo trips to Thailand.

If he is using 15 for Thailand and 6 for weddings, that leaves 4 days.
Go away on a week where there is a BH and then will only need 4 days. Or go for a long weekend. Alternatively many places allow you to buy extra leave.

Ultimately if he wants to go away with you he will make it work. Or he wont if he doesn't.

In the years between me meeting my now DH and us getting married, I travelled round US for a month with a friend, and round India for 3 weeks with another friend. He also went of several holidays with his mates. Being a couple doesn't mean you can't holiday with friends.

Was the gentleman's agreement made 'before you were serious' or just hashed out last week?

What I don't see is why is considered " wrong" to take a holiday either alone or with a friend if you have a partner. Doesn't mean you need to be joined at the hip surely.

Three weeks in Thailand with a sleazy mate? Gentleman's agreement?

Make your feelings clear to him now OP, would you really be welcoming him back with open arms? I wouldn't be wasting more time on him if he books it.

Yep, there you go. Wake up OP.

Estimates on sex tourism in Thailand vary, with some UN reports indicating around 300,000 to 400,000 visitors per year engage in sex tourism. In comparison, Thailand welcomed over 35 million international visitors in 2024, showing that sex tourists make up a small minority of overall visitors.

I have met that friend only once, in a pub, and my boyfriend knows I wasn’t a big fan of him. That’s because he made crude comments about the barmaid. I suspect that may also be why he hadn’t told me of this trip before.

And there is your answer @Alicew5. How many people would be so rude about a stranger in front of a mate's GF who they were meeting for the first time?

Just think of all the sex offenders that you find out were part of misogynistic WhatsApp groups - Wayne Couzen's springs to mind.

Urgh. Good luck.

I was 50-50 until you mentioned the barmaid comment. The friend isn’t some gentle hippy type over there to enjoy the sun and beaches. Also your boyfriend could easily compromise and do 2 weeks instead of 3. He’s not bothered about going away with you, and sex tourism is likely a draw.

The friend going annually alone is very suspect, not sure why some posters are getting up in arms about those suggesting it. Of course Thailand is beautiful and has other things to do, but the reality is that isn’t why some men are there. I know of two, seemingly average men, who go / have been there for sex tourism. And it’s not like I have a wide circle of acquaintances, so two seems a lot.

@Alicew5 what are your thoughts at the moment?
Holidaying separately isn't an issue.

BF's misogynist friend who travels alone annually to a well known sex tourism destination is a huge 🚩🚩

Yes. I also know of two men who travel annually to Thailand alone. They both go for the sex tourism - I don't think it's even necessarily prostitution they just find it really easy to pickup/exploit young women there because of the wealth disparity.

It's really horrible and well known that grim men in the UK go there to do that