Boyfriend using bulk of his holiday allowance for ‘secret’ holiday with his mate

[Alicew5]

I’ve been with my boyfriend since early 2025, we had discussed plans for this year in terms of going abroad on holiday etc as we didn’t go away last year. He has 25 days holiday and 6/7 days are being used up for weddings which is fine so in theory he has ample left.

He has revealed to me, after I’ve been on about getting something booked, that ‘before we were serious’ he committed to his friend that he’d go to Asia (Thailand specifically) with him in November this year. This has never been mentioned to me before. The issue? It will use up nearly 3 weeks of his holiday allowance, meaning he won’t have enough to go abroad for at least a week with me.

He said he promised his mate and won’t let him down. His mate is going anyway - he goes there every year, usually solo! My BF said there isn’t a compromise with him going for a lesser duration, as it wouldn’t be cost effective that way and he’d not seen everything there is to see.

AIBU to feel this is selfish? We have been in a relationship for over a year so I feel like he isn’t making me a priority.

@Alicew5 can you arrange a holiday with your friends?

Could you plan a holiday for yourself or invite your own friend? That is what I would do.
He seems to be adamant that his plans won't be changing, therefore I would organise my own plans.

You've got two choices, either get on with the situation, or finish the relationship if you aren't happy with the way he has handled this ie, didn't tell you that Thailand was his plan for this year for him , and won't have any holiday availability left and isn't willing to compromise on the length of his holiday there.

Why does it matter if you have a week away? Just have one next year. Really not a big deal

Lol I was in the same town as him once. And why would he when he has a long term girlfriend.

If you go a bank holiday week and work M - F...you can get 9 days away and only use 4 days annual leave.

I'm hardly naive . I spend 3 months a year in SE AsiaThere are plenty of men who do. Also plenty who go for sex tourism in the other countries I mentioned.

I would be suspicious of the holiday since the mate goes annually. Can’t see that being anything other than sex tourism tbh.

But you haven’t been together that long and him having committed to a long holiday with a mate before he realised that the two of you were going to be serious isn’t at all unreasonable or selfish of him. Not telling you, however, is worrying, since you’ve talked about holidays for a while and he’s been agreeing. He should have mentioned it long ago.

Prostitution is huge over there - I remember meeting my Dad's work friends who used to spend every holiday solo in Thailand picking up women (who they were much richer than over there, thus appealing to attractive/poor women). It's a well known thing creepy men do - go to Thailand to pick up women and or prostitution

why don't you join him in thailand for 10 days

Lots of men go to Thailand for non sex reasons but they are mainly youngsters backpacking around. For an adult man to go every year I’d suspect sex tourism. On top of that you aren’t his top priority, he doesn’t want to go on holiday with you and it sounds like he’s lying about when the trip was arranged. That would be enough for me.

Yes I know the other countries you mention are also sex tourism destinations.

But considering the friend is a repeat visitor to Thailand. And it is Thailand OP's bf and his pal.are going to I don't see the relevance of your point. They sre not going to Cambodia or the Philippines - as far as I am aware - so why bring these countries into the discussion?

Knew the destination was going to be Thailand.

So, his mate normally goes there solo, but your bf doesn’t want to let him down this year. If he is always going there he won’t particularly care if he goes solo this time too. I expect he doesn’t stay on his own for long in any case.

Strange how your bf didn’t mention this before.

Mmm. I would not feel comfortable being in a relationship with him. I like many others think his mate goes there for the prostitution and he has encouraged your bf to join him in a 3 week shagathon.

Sorry, but he would be ditched if it were me.

Because it's only Thailand people keep going on about

I go every year, sometimes twice. So if I can find stuff to do that isn't sex tourismwhy can't a man? Do you really consider there are NO men who like to spend time there without going for sex?

An the majority of the sex tourists are older ugly men.

Unfortunately I agree with this. Short of a lads holiday to Amsterdam I would be suspicious of this “holiday”.

I wouldn't have thought sex tourism for my DH or his friends. It would be cheap to travel around, well trodden paths around the Island, cheap accommodation when you are there, good diving and decent sunshine. A bit of culture but nothing overwhelming. Cheap food. Cheap beer. Certainly cheaper than somewhere like Ibiza.
In my view anyone who is likely to be a sex tourist would use prostitutes and visit strip clubs here so you'd know about it.
My DH is very very anti strip clubs and will leave a night out if his friends visit a strip club after a visit to a casino or whatever. He's very vocal about exploitation (I'm usually at home so it's not like he's playing to an audience either).

Are you deliberately missing the point of this thread?

There possibly are men who go there for reasons other than sex.
But in the absence of any information as to what the friend does go there for on his annual solo trip then I think that assuming it's for the sex is a pretty safe bet.

I don't know why you are questioning me specifically about this because very many people, including some of the pp on this thread , will make the very same assumption.

Can you join him for the last week 😂

Yes. This is really depressing. My best friend is male, a backpacker and loves Thailand. I went with him on one occasion.
He has absolutely no interest in the sex industry there, but the country is just a match for him, in the same way that a different country is a match for me, and I love to return.

There's a lot to see in Thailand, and lots of islands, so there's always a reason for him to return.

He's only too aware of some people's assumptions, doesn't like it, but refuses to let it stop him returning.

People don’t only go to Thailand for sec tourism ffs

we go yearly too (or at least every other year) good friend who we meet out there a lot is there pretty much 3 months of the year and he is just working there remotely chilling on nice quiet relaxing beaches like loads of others.

it’s a beautiful county with heaps to do that are not to do with sex tourism

If women can go to sightsee and explore the temples, so can men.

Yes there's a sex trade in Thailand, but there's a hell of a lot more to the country than that.

There is more to Thailand than sex tourism, mumsnet loves to make things grubby at every opportunity!

its a good place to party & travel around so I can understand it being 3 weeks like a mini backpack trip.

this is a difficult one, I mean are you still just dating or is it more like living together. Usually that first bit of being together is the cheeky weekends away and then a holiday but if he is being honest I can see why he wouldn’t want to let his mate down.

but its 2026, he isn’t available yo holiday with ao book a girls trip or do some solo trips.

at the end of the day, if you are meant to be forever, you have the rest of your life for couples trips

That was my immediate thought but laat time I said something similar on here, everyone was down on me like a ton of bricks.

nope. bin.

Obviously I know that having spent the month travelling around! It doesn't negate the fact that most young men go there for one reason only.