Wanting marriage about 14 years

[NorthernMum89]

I’ve been with my partner for 14 years and we have children together. Recently I’ve brought up getting married as I’d like that extra sense of commitment and stability.

For context, I’m not bothered about a big wedding at all, happily just go to a registry office with close family. To me it’s more about the commitment than the event.

The issue is whenever I bring it up, it turns into an argument. He says he’s not against marriage but doesn’t want to rush it and would rather “do it properly” and plan it. He’s suggested vague timeframes like 12-18 months or “when things are settled”, but nothing concrete.

From my side, after 14 years, I don’t feel like it should still be this unclear. It makes me feel unsettled and like I’m not fully chosen.

Things escalated recently and he’s said things like I “just want to be married” rather than wanting to marry him specifically, which isn’t how I feel at all. I just want commitment from him.

He’s also said he doesn’t want to get married while things aren’t fully settled (e.g. me spending time at my parents’ but I only do this for company as he works long hours!) whereas I feel like marriage is part of creating that stability.

I’ll admit I’ve probably pushed the issue out of frustration, but I feel like I’m going round in circles and not getting a clear answer.

AIBU to feel fed up and want some clarity at this point, or am I being unreasonable expecting more after this length of time?

From his perspective, why buy the cow when you get the milk for free?

It’s ultimatum time. Marriage in x months or it’s over. And mean it.

He doesn't want to get married.

He’s already got the fruits of marriage without the legal bit.

I’m sorry but everything he’s said sounds like excuses.

I genuinely wish women to whom marriage is important would stop giving their absolute all.

Sorry, but it sounds obvious he doesn't want marriage. He is happy to breed and reap the rewards of a relationship without any commitment.

This is the reason many woman don't TTC before marriage! How are other aspects of your relationship OP?

Are you financially independent, own property and contributing to your pension?
Believe your boyfriend; if he wanted to, he would have signed the legal document years ago.

https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/living-together-marriage-and-civil-partnership/living-together-and-marriage-legal-differences/

He wants to be free to leave you.

Part of me thinks, you've been together 14 years and had children, in what way does he feel "rushed"?! However, had marriage ever been discussed before? If he thought you were both happy being unmarried I can see why he might not be keen and would feel like you have suddenly moved the goalposts.

It sounds like you're both reading different meanings into certain things and not necessarily communicating that effectively. If there are issues making you feel de-stabilised, I doubt that a marriage certificate alone will fix them. Perhaps couples counselling to improve the communication between you and to bottom out why you both seem to feel unsettled and agree a way forward?

Why don’t you propose to him? You don’t have to wait to be asked. If he says no, then you know where you stand, and can make plans on that basis.

He doesn't want to get married.

14 years...it will still be in the same in 14 more.

He does not want to marry you.

If he did, he would have.

Let's dig a bit deeper here...what's the financial situation?

Do you both earn full-time salary? Who's the higher earner? Do you both have similar sized pensions? Did you take a career break whilst raising children? Do you have joint or separate savings, and are they similar amounts?

Do you own or rent? If you own, who owns the house as in whose name is on the deeds?

Do you both have life insurance policies? Who are the beneficiaries? Do you both have a Will? Do they both leave everything to each other?

Sorry but sometimes getting answers to these things helps to clarify if he's a man simply wishing to protect himself financially. If he is, then he doesn't give a flying fuck about the mother of his children. Any decent man would want his partner and mother of his children to not be financially vulnerable, should anything happen to him.

Personally though, if my partner wasn't excited and committed to marry me, I'd walk away. It's really unpleasant to figure out that the person who you thought you were going to spend your life with doesn't feel the same way about being with you.

He doesn’t want to rush it?? It’s been 14 years!! He knows if he wants to marry you or not!

It seems like he doesn't want to marry you.

You spending time with your parents when he's not around is a very strange excuse to not get married.

Will you stick around even if he won't marry you? Because oif you really want marriage, it's time to tell him it's that or you find someone who really would be happy to be your husband. I wouldn't stay with someone in a long term relationship with kids without at least a civil partnership or marriage. If something happened to him, unless he's made you his beneficiary and gotten everything legally squared away, you're not his next of kin. You could get really screwed.

If he wanted to then he would

He doesn't want to marry you

But if it was that important you then why have you waited 14 years to talk about it? if it was stable enough to have kids first then what has changed? why do you need stability now you have the children and not before you had them?

I don't think you're unreasonable wanting to be married but he clearly doesn't want to. Its a very long time to still not be ready

Re. the spending time with parents bit, I feel like this could make a difference... How much time do you mean? Do you stay there for weeks at a time because he's on a big job until X date, or do you mean you're round there for an afternoon with the kids until he comes home? Do you work too?

Or doesn't want to marry the OP

You both want vastly different things and it’s not something t you can compromise on. He doesn’t want to marry you, I’m sorry.

If you give him an ultimatum about timescales then of course he might marry you but you will also know that he is doing it reluctantly.

The only thing to do is accept it and decide how that affects your future.

If I had a £ for every one of these threads! OP whatever reasons you have for wanting to get married now, why weren’t those reasons important before you started having kids with him? 14 years and you’ve suddenly thought it might be a good idea to get married??

Look he’s not going to marry you, it’s obvious. So your options are
A : walk away from the relationship
B: carry on as you are.

C Force him into a corner where he feels he has to marry you

It might just be me but if I knew my husband had married me because he felt he had no other option, that wouldn’t feel particularly good

Look he’s not going to marry you, it’s obvious. So your options are
A : walk away from the relationship
B: carry on as you are.

I'm afraid this is true.

Do you work or have any of your own money? If you don't work, now's the time to try to find a job.

Bottom line is that this man is not going to provide you with this commitment or security (or at least not without being railroaded into it to the point of resentment). Time to take matters into your own hands and provide your own security.

Play the long game, if you must. Stop talking about and expecting marriage. Focus on building up tools to enable you to be independent.

He doesn’t want to rush it? It’s been 14 years, for goodness sake.

Ultimatum time @NorthernMum89 either “we get married, or it’s over”.

Would you feel good about knowing your husband only married you because you had given him an ultimatum? I know one person who did similar and now their relationship is a mess as she’s realised he didn’t want to marry her

@NorthernMum89 are you currently engaged to be married, at some point, or has he NEVER asked you?

The reason I ask is that I got married at 16.5 years together but had been engaged at 10 years. I had just put it to the back of my head until I worked out how I wanted to get married. We never discussed it. Then one day (15 years together), I just said I’m ready for him to be my husband now and this is how I’d like the day to go.

Something may be holding him back for now but it doesn’t mean it won’t happen. Although if you’re not even engaged at this stage, then, I wouldn’t be as confident it will. He knows your view on it. He now needs time to work it out in his head. If nothing from him in 6 months then I’d be thinking, it’s never going to happen.