AIBU for expecting to 'sleep in' every day?

[SpeedyBulletTrain]

My partner and I have two children, aged nearly 3 years and 4 weeks old. I'm a SAHM and partner works a standard 9-5. Our newborn is exclusively breastfed so I've been doing all the night wakes/feeds/nappy changes etc, of which there are many but I'm happy to do it all as there's no point in us both being up. Since baby was born my partner has been waking up with the 2yo at around 6:45 (sometimes earlier, sometimes later) and getting her breakfast sorted + doing some household chores and getting himself ready in the morning. I've been getting up around 7:45 with the baby, getting baby changed and dressed, getting clothes for the toddler, and dressing myself (literally 5mins, no shower, no makeup etc) before coming down to take over with toddler before he leaves for work at 8:30. The last couple of weeks he is constantly mentioning that he lets me have a 'lie in' every morning. I'll tell him I appreciate it as it means I get enough sleep to function the next day when I'm looking after both kids, but the constant half-complaints about me sleeping in every day are really starting to irritate me. Every time we see friends or family he'll talk about how he gets toddler ready every morning while I have a lie in. Am I being unreasonable in thinking that he's not doing me a special favour letting me 'sleep in', he's surely just doing his basic responsibility as a parent??

Well what you do is tell everyone what you do hour by hour in detail. He’s being a total dickhead!

The last couple of weeks he is constantly mentioning that he lets me have a 'lie in' every morning

I'd consistently mention how you 'let him' sleep through the night. Every time he says it.

7:45 isn't exactly a lay in for you either. However i remember some good advise that I received on here, that neither of you will be at your best when tired so if you can allow him some grace in his snapiness (especially if he's usually reasonable) then do. I'd plan a calm conversation when you are both a bit more rested and maybe plan for both of you to be able to have a longer lay in one day each at the weekend u til 9ish.

And in my book a lie in is 10-11 on a Saturday or Sunday morning!

Exactly!

Why does he feel that you should also be getting up?
You've been up during the night, so why should you nyk be catching up on your broken sleep?
Is he also kept awake whilst baby is up?

Yanbu. I think if he's making this point regularly, some resentment has set in and he's lost sight of the overnight work you're doing. It would be good to sit down and have a chat about it.
It could be that there's no resentment and he's just being tongue in cheek, but is he usually unable to read the room?

Have you pointed out to him you “let him” sleep all night? I’m pregnant with number 2 and a SAHM. DHs need to step up and shouldn’t need to be told this but clearly yours does! I have no doubt with a 4 week old he is getting far more sleep overall. Don’t let him put you down like that infront of friends/family. “Yes dear I need that hour or so sleep in the morning as I’m up all night feeding our newborn and listening to you snore”

No. She is breastfeeding around the clock and he is getting a full nights sleep albeit with an early rise. But he can sleep for a solid 6-8 hours, she can’t. So he doesn’t need any bloody “long lie each” crap until he is doing the nights or she is getting to sleep through. Like in 8-10months time.

I would be pointing out that I am up all night but if he wants to do it he’s welcome to for that “extra” hour. Life is exhausting with small children

I'll try this. He'll say though that he wakes up to tend to the toddler. Which he does. Except she wakes up in the night maybe once a week 🤣

Get yourself a white board and pen, every time you get up in the night write down the time and then the time you go back to bed.

You could say you’re tracking baby’s food intake or something.

Once he visually sees the amount of sleep you are not getting in the night, he’ll likely stop thinking he’s a martyr by giving you a meezly 60 mins lie-in in the morning.

Do you not reply "yeah and I wake up with the baby multiple times a night so you can get a full night's sleep. It's called parenting." Every fucking time?

Wow, maybe say in front of onlookers. “it’s almost worth changing to formula, we can swop & you can do interrupted nights, & I’ll get up an hour before you.
—Tosser—

It's hard for him to get himself ready with the toddler in tow. I know she can be hard work in the morning, I've done it for nearly 3 years. He's not woken by baby at all, I sleep in the spare room with her.

Well then "Once a week, tops" is your response; especially if he is saying this in front of other people.

I think there definitely is some resentment. He's had to do more with the toddler while I tend to the baby. I think he sees the toddler as being much more difficult to look after, which she is in some ways, so he thinks he's doing more. I've been a SAHM and our toddler had a strong preference for me until recently so I've also done probably 90% of the parenting but now he's having to do more. We did discuss this when we decided to have a 2nd though, so it shouldn't be that much of a shock. I don't think he enjoys being with our toddler, he has no patience with her at all. It sucks because I WISH I could have more 1-on-1 time with our firstborn, she's fantastic 😭

congratulations on your new baby.

Your DH is being a bit of a dick. Either do the whiteboard thing, or text/whatsapp him every time you wake with the baby at night, or just... wake him every time too.

And yes, whenever he spouts that rubbish, tell whoever you are with that he is a whining manchild and you are doing all the night feeds for a new baby.

I would start saying "I let you sleep all night through. Every day while I am up several times a night"

Often the harsh reality of parenting is a more brutal smack in the face for men when the second child comes along. Their life may have changed quite little after the first was born (especially if you breastfed and coslept and he went back to work after 2 weeks). When there are 2 kids, suddenly it all catches up with them. Yes it’s hard getting ready with a toddler - you already knew that but he didn’t. Yes it’s tough when they’re cranky at bedtime / won’t eat dinner / cry about bathing…. he has lost the buffer of you. He needs to realise that he’s just catching up with you, not overtaking your contribution!

No he should appreciate the fact that you are letting him sleep all night and not expecting him to help care for the baby at night so he has 1 child for 1 hour and wants a gold star? They are his children at home he should be helping care for them.

This! With a comment to say that while he gets up and ready with toddler you are catching up sleep from being up when baby being up in the night

"Yes dear, you let me sleep until 7.45. and I let you sleep through the night while I'm up with the baby at 12, 3 and 530" (sigh) sorry he's being a bit of a dick!

It’s hard, but this time is short and the waking through the night passes quickly enough. You need your quick retort to remind him, and others, of how your nights are, but keep it lighthearted as you need to work as a team. DH and I found the move from one to two the most difficult, coinciding for him with a new job and long commute. Hormones released during breastfeeding do help with disturbed sleep, but your DH doesn’t need to know that if you need maximum sympathy.

Tell him he’s right, he should get to “lie in” until 7:45 some mornings, so you’ll take it in turns.

Now all he has to do is learn how to lactate so he can breastfeed during the night multiple times, probably with cracked and sore nipples, and also function on a broken night’s sleep, and learn how to carry on as normal after you’ve kicked him in the nuts every morning to remind him that your nether-regions are still recovering from pushing a human out and you can swap.

I’m sure he’ll be up for that 🙄