AIBU for expecting to 'sleep in' every day?

[SpeedyBulletTrain]

My partner and I have two children, aged nearly 3 years and 4 weeks old. I'm a SAHM and partner works a standard 9-5. Our newborn is exclusively breastfed so I've been doing all the night wakes/feeds/nappy changes etc, of which there are many but I'm happy to do it all as there's no point in us both being up. Since baby was born my partner has been waking up with the 2yo at around 6:45 (sometimes earlier, sometimes later) and getting her breakfast sorted + doing some household chores and getting himself ready in the morning. I've been getting up around 7:45 with the baby, getting baby changed and dressed, getting clothes for the toddler, and dressing myself (literally 5mins, no shower, no makeup etc) before coming down to take over with toddler before he leaves for work at 8:30. The last couple of weeks he is constantly mentioning that he lets me have a 'lie in' every morning. I'll tell him I appreciate it as it means I get enough sleep to function the next day when I'm looking after both kids, but the constant half-complaints about me sleeping in every day are really starting to irritate me. Every time we see friends or family he'll talk about how he gets toddler ready every morning while I have a lie in. Am I being unreasonable in thinking that he's not doing me a special favour letting me 'sleep in', he's surely just doing his basic responsibility as a parent??

He could take both kids one day at the weekend and let her sleep without bothering her.
he could do night duty - there are loads of ways she can sleep. He can latch and watch the baby, she’ll be so tired she will bloody sleep through it.
he could burp and change the baby.
they are both working - it’s just he’s getting paid and she is not. You’re meant to help each other be less tired not expect one to just suck it up. Jesus Christ.

You are both working all day. You with a new born and a young child, him in his job. So that's fair. On top of that, there is the night work and the 'unsociable hours' early morning and evening duties to do, which need to be split evenly between you. As he seems to think the current arrangements work in your favour, ask him what split of those hours he would consider fair. Perhaps he would prefer to do nights, bringing baby to you to feed, but doing everything else, and you get up an hour earlier in exchange? But i suspect not.

My solution is that he does a fair share of childcare.

I'm a woman actually.

Tell him you will tot up how many hours of sleep you've had since dc was born and he can do the same.
Sleep fucking Top Trumps.. He is a knob.

Oh dear.

Depends on the job really. I was off a year on maternity both times and we split the nights - had two terrible sleepers. I'd go to bed at 8pm and he'd stay up until 1/2 and we'd swap. We discovered we could live and function indefinitely on 4/5 hours of sleep in a row.

But my husband works an office job that he's done for years so was perfectly capable of having an extra coffee or two and getting on with it. I however couldn't drive the children safely if I didn't have a chunk of sleep.

Every single time he says this, you could say sweetly “I think you’re forgetting that I am getting up [x] times a night to feed and change the newborn. If you could breastfeed, then we could swap roles”. And you could even say “or how about we bottle feed her, you can get up in the night and I’ll let you sleep in until 07:45 while I get up at 06:45 with the toddler - totally happy to swap” (I don’t think you would need worry about opening up a whole thing about whether you would be happy that your newborn would be bottle fed over exclusively breastfed at this point, as when faced with the option of doing all the night wakings I have no doubt he would have precisely zero desire to swap!)

I’ve just remembered when my two were babies (18 months apart) I used to go to bed at 9, my DH did an 11/12 pm feed. I would get up at 3 and do that feed and he would give a 6 am feed. Combined feeding worked well for us as both of us got roughly 6 hrs sleep. Both were a month premature and needed regular small amounts. I also found that giving formula at 11 really settled the babies until 3.

how many kids have you got? Those of us with one than one are all waiting…

DH is being a dick here. You’re not ‘sleeping in’ you’re sleeping after being up through the night

You are not ‘having a lie in’ you are waking up at a different time. What you are doing is feeding another human being for 12 hours and not requiring your husband to do it for you. Feeding another human being is exhausting.

I would definitely do this.

And probably throw in something like - 'well, you went to bed at 11pm so getting up at 6.45am gave you 7.45 unbroken hours sleep; whereas I got to bed at x pm, up again at y o'clock so even sleeping until 7.45 I got no more than z hours of unbroken sleep.'

He's being a dick.

How about he does night duty when he's not working the next day?

Yes. I was given a copy of “Breast is best” by Penny Stanway before I had my first so I was aware of this when I was breastfeeding and this probably made me relaxed about being able to go back to sleep quickly.

This!

He's clearly a lazy arsehole that resents a new breastfeeding mother who is up every night an hour or so sleep in the morning, before minding two very young children.

He really is an arsehole.
Time you told EVERYONE how you let him sleep through every night whilst you are breastfeeding the newborn in a separate bedroom.
Unbelievable.

Being a SAHM when your partner is a lazy arsehole is never a good idea.
He resents parenting his own child.
He resents doing the bare minimum.

Loser. Don't have more children with him and perhaps think about returning to work.
You are far too vulnerable when he is the way he is.

Time for him to be woken up to do baby’s night time nappy changes.

It's bf or husband not partner and he chose to get up to feed your toddler so its his fault if he's choosing to be an actual dad and help you and it's not technically a lie-in if you are up several times to feed baby

Top stuff. Right on the chin!

No good trying to score points off each other on this. You are really tired with all you have to do - as expected with a new baby - and he is clearly feeling tired with what he has to do. Before you both start resenting each other you need to talk this out and resolve this with some sort of compromise.

Get up at 645 tomorrow and cheerfully throw yourself into it woth the toddler. Tell him to enjoy the lie in because he's doing the night with the baby. There's absolutely no reason you can't swap and have him bring her to you in the night.

One night and he will be desperate to go back to your current arrangement.

Then talk seriously about what would work better. Maybe you go to bed at the same time as the toddler and do all baby wake ups between 12-4am or vice versa, next person gets 3am-745.

Communication is important here. He’s not seeing your night time labour or appreciating what your body is going through. You’d be justified to be in bed much longer! Educate him, and absolutely get him to do a night shift with you and then get up at 6:45 if he thinks that’s fine!

Also, it’s his toddler too right? He’s not doing you a favour by taking care of his own child. Men blow my mind every day, I swear.

No no no, it’s not a lie in, it’s recovering from the constant night wakings. You both get the same amount of sleep, but yours is broken into sections and his is constant. This approach is exactly what my DH and I did. I did every single night feed and only woke him up if the kids had stomach bugs or were under the weather etc. He got up at 7, got the kids ready for school and put the baby in the pram and walked them all to school. Then I’d be awake and ready to face the day. He knew I’d had severe pnd previously and washed to do everything to help me as he knew how vital sleep is to my mental health. Amazingly , due to his support and commitment to being a good dad I didn’t have ANY pnd with 3 and 4. With 1 and 2 their dad was so useless I was almost hospitalised and under all sorts of medical and social work people.

You've been up all through the night ... remind him of that in front of family & friends.