AIBU for expecting to 'sleep in' every day?

[SpeedyBulletTrain]

My partner and I have two children, aged nearly 3 years and 4 weeks old. I'm a SAHM and partner works a standard 9-5. Our newborn is exclusively breastfed so I've been doing all the night wakes/feeds/nappy changes etc, of which there are many but I'm happy to do it all as there's no point in us both being up. Since baby was born my partner has been waking up with the 2yo at around 6:45 (sometimes earlier, sometimes later) and getting her breakfast sorted + doing some household chores and getting himself ready in the morning. I've been getting up around 7:45 with the baby, getting baby changed and dressed, getting clothes for the toddler, and dressing myself (literally 5mins, no shower, no makeup etc) before coming down to take over with toddler before he leaves for work at 8:30. The last couple of weeks he is constantly mentioning that he lets me have a 'lie in' every morning. I'll tell him I appreciate it as it means I get enough sleep to function the next day when I'm looking after both kids, but the constant half-complaints about me sleeping in every day are really starting to irritate me. Every time we see friends or family he'll talk about how he gets toddler ready every morning while I have a lie in. Am I being unreasonable in thinking that he's not doing me a special favour letting me 'sleep in', he's surely just doing his basic responsibility as a parent??

I agree with others when he mentions that he has let you sleep in because he got up I would say yes because I let you sleep through the night you are well rested and can get up with the toddler

YANBU

Classic case of a parent who’s in paid employment, viewing the SAH parent as not having to ‘go to work’.

Caring for a baby and toddler is very hard work, despite being unpaid in most cases. It’s a very responsible, intense and important job. Not a moment to yourself.

Especially when postpartum and breastfeeding. That, in itself, requires support.

He needs to appreciate what you and your body have gone/are going through to nurture his baby. Pay you in kind. And realise that parenting is very hard work and both parents have to do it equitably.

To appreciate each other, parents should remember they could end up doing it all on their own. To remember how lucky they are to have the other parent sharing the load. He should consider how he’d cope as a lone parent.

Express and swap for a week!

Sorry your partner is a dick who needs an audience while he takes care of his own child.

I despair of men. What the fuck is wrong with them?

This.

Ye gods...

I’m a woman. I went back to work at 8 months PP, my partner did paternity leave from 8-12 months, including all the night wakes.

I found going into full-time work infinitely easier than being a SAHM and handling night feeds and changes.

For the next 3 nights, I'd wake him up every single fucking time the baby wakes and see how he likes it. Arsehole.

In reality, I probably wouldn't do that. However, I do find men try to score points all the fucking time. So now I announce when I tidied the Legos, or filled the dishwasher, or wiped a countertop. You need to do the same. Announce every morning how many times you've woke up. Announce every single thing you do for the toddler and for baby. If he wants a petty competition, let him have it.

I also have a newborn and am doing all the nights. DH gets up before me and gets my DH ready and off to school. DS has ADHD and is not easy to deal with. Then DH usually makes up a bottle so I can sleep. Baby hasn't been sleeping well, so I often sleep to 9, 10, even noon sometimes!
DH has not once complained. Yours is being a jerk. He's not getting extra credit for parenting his own child. Your work is enabling him to have both a job and children. He should be thanking you.

Yep yep yep! OP this is pretty much the situation we've had too, and still do 6yrs on! I'm a night owl so I do bedtime/packed lunches, he does dinner & breakfast, it works..hopefully for the foreseeable! It's all about fair division of labour and until he's actually experienced it, he won't know...suggest asap you book a nice weekend away and leave him with both ;) That said it's not a competition, even better book in some childcare so you can both have a night away, whinge to each other how hard parenting is, talk about nothing by the children, then fall asleep by 9.30 together 😂 Still worth it! Hopefully a small wrinkle in the blanket of life 🙃

Wake him up every single time you get up. Make sure he is awake enough to understand what's going on. Let him go back to sleep. Do it again in an hour, or whenever you have to get up again.

Let's see whether he thinks you're having a lie in or not after that.

Haha omg this is a man.
you know caring for 2 los is also a full time job, and actually the most stressful beyond being an a and e dr, even if it doesn’t pay?
be for real.

Another one who liked the idea of being a father, but can’t handle actual parenting

No your not being unreasonable. He is doing the bare minimum with his own child and complaining about it. My husband lets me sleep in most weekends if I dont get up before him and my youngest is 2. My kids still wake through the night most nights and i tend to them. I wake all kids up week days and do all the household duties, kids duties, cooking, appointments, errands and animals. When we have a newborn, he makes it a point to do all the night feedings when he is on his on his time off , when he goes back to work I do all night feeding through the week unless im completely run down then hubby does it, and on weekends hubby does it. Hubby's comes homes and cooks some nights and if the house isnt cleaned because I gave up through the day or wasnt home early enough to do it then he tidies up. Its a team effort to have children and as I said, you partner is doing the bare minimum for a child he helped create. Your not in the wrong. Its not like your sleeping all day and doing nothing. I only also sleep in until 7.30. I cant sleep longer.

Cant find the comment . But this is definitely a man. What has working got to do with parenting. Woman work full time jobs and continue to parent all the time. Of he was single and had kids then he would have split custody and do all the kid minding, housework all his own errands and food shop and all life events on his own . Working is the bare minimum. being at home with kids all day is also a full time job, do sahm not deserve a break from their full time jobs.

This. Which is exactly what I insisted on when DDs were little and DH got Sundays. Kept us sane.

The move from one child to two is pretty challenging. I remember getting into a spiral of competitive tiredness with DH, because we both felt like we were doing all the work, which in effect we were because we were used to only dealing with one child.

I agree with PP about not getting sucked into this as it's never good for a relationship. Absolutely remind him that you cover the nights, and that whilst you appreciate him getting up with the toddler, it's only what's expected, and not a great feat of generosity on his part.

I would not want to look after a toddler when I’m getting ready for work so. Agree with him.

Lean into it. Praise him, tell him how well he is doing, and suggest he do even better by letting you sleep in until 9 at the weekend.

Want to, maybe not. Have a duty to do the bare minimum for your own fucking child and spouse, yes you do. So tough, get on with it.

You don't understand, or you're just being obtuse?

Exactly. A very high number of men are sitting at desks with a cup of coffee and responsibilities that exist on a server yet this is trotted out again and again and again.

Who does want to?

Whats amazing solution then oh wise one ;)

She wants to breastfeed, she stays up and does it ? Or do you want him to start lactacting in the evening ?

Being up 3/4 hours before he has to go to work every day is ridiculous and id be resentful too !

When my second was a newborn our eldest had terrible sleep apnea that meant my DH had to literally hold him in a particular position all night every night for several weeks so he could breathe until he had adenoid surgery. Your DH is a parent doing a fairly minimal amount of parenting by the sounds of it. As parents, you're both responsible for taking care of the DC and one another, and at the moment that means he has to get up a bit earlier than he'd ideally like, poor dear. I'm sure you'd ideally like to not be woken up multiple times a night but you accept it as part of parenting. It's about time he did the same.